Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2009 14:57:27 GMT -7
Hello,
I installed an internet filter. It helps, a little. But due to the nature of furry 'art' there are some furry websites not covered by the filter. I emailed the filter company about it but they haven't done anything.
I have no excuses, I looked up some furry flash animations. While I was waiting for them to load, I closed them one by one. It was difficult to do. I feel so alone. I haven't been getting sleep because of my sinuses. I have almost had 3 weeks of awful, sporadic sleep.
One thing I have understood is that furry porn is highly addicting for someone who is weak. Because, furries do not exist. The very idea of it is laughable, so it lets you go to an area of your mind where it is pure fantasy. Part of you says "it's not hurting anyone or anything" and lets your imagination run. But... I have found that in all the terrible things I have indulged in-when I escape them, or think I have escaped them, it's furry porn that I go to.
What is the draw for such things?
Honestly, so many people have.. "Experimented" sexually with their pets when they were younger.
So, this porn, bridges what is socially very unacceptable with a more "human" aspect to it, but still so far fetched you are free to use your imagination, which allows you to fully involve yourself.
Somewhere during my sordid childhood I decided that I was responsible for everyone in my life. That, I was responsible for their sins, for their actions, to keep them happy, etc. This sick realization has been a burden on me for so long it became part of who I am.
God has shown me that this is not the case. I am only responsible for myself. During the brief but intense flashes of this realization, pornography really seems like a small mountain to merely step over. But the roots of the fantasy addiction go deep.
However, when I am strong enough, yes, strong enough, I will overcome.
Homosexuality is a weakness, a weakness that stems from never having fathomed what it means to actually be a man. Honestly, when I submit to another man I forfeit everything that has to do with what God made me to be. I literally am tempted with desires-but never truths. I know full well about the involved homosexuality, how promiscuity is a way of life. Monogamy is as rare as, well, unicorns.
I have talked to homosexuals, even homosexuals who claim to have searched the Bible and "found" that God really doesn't have anything against homosexuality. But I know better. It would be so easy to slip into the lifestyle, selling my body for another temptation-never satisfaction.
Yet... I still struggle!
I get so down on myself. I used to think that by literally believing if I indulged in homosexuality I would go to hell, that that would keep me from doing it. But it only allows me to say to myself "Well, I did it now. I might as well plunge full in". I know that I know that I know that God has a wife for me, a wife who is perfect. I have women at church who come after me, but I know in my heart-none of them is "her". I think that if God would just put her in my life then I would have something to combat the homosexuality with.
But the problem is that that is not true. These roots of perversion and wicked desires often are thought rooted out but they are not.
That's why you see Christians who say "I suppressed my homosexuality for 20 something years". Nothing terrifies me more than that.
I know God is faithful. I know that the thought of being with a woman is more wonderful than I could ever imagine. I can't judge anyone, but I can say when I see my friends sleeping with multiple women they are missing the point. They are cheating themselves out of a lifetime of fulfillment Gods way. I can't wait for what they are taking advantage of.
I also know that because of the alternate reality I have nurtured since childhood, that I have more to overcome-and overcoming is more terrible than anyone can imagine. You have to go against what has ever brought you what you feel is... your only source of hope, joy, etc.
I am not looking forward to the battles I have been going through. I hope I have the strength, and the ability to trust God when the temptations come. It is frightening for me, because I am not trusting myself anymore, but a god who has seemingly abandoned me and left me time after time, even though that is not true.
Somewhere I fostered an image of a god who is cruel and terrible, and waits to cut me down. This is why I lash out sometimes at God. I got stranded the other day with my little truck out in the desert while offroading (I was trying to do something for myself. I have been helping people with their vehicles for virtually free, and I wanted to have fun).
I damaged my radiator very badly and had to walk home. I fixed the radiator, but getting out was such a difficult time, I had to drive a few miles on a shredded tire. I was so close to screaming at God. I just wanted to have fun, but no. It does me no good. It doesn't benefit me at all to hate God. God loves me, He held me in His hands. It is why I lash out and say why give me that then put me back here in this place?
It's an awful thing to realize that to get my soul strengthened and ready for service for God, it takes a lot to wake someone up who lives in their own little world. To overcome homosexuality I need to be strong in the Lord, I need to be responsible for my own actions. Nothing that comes easy. This is what stops so many people from overcoming their homosexual temptation. They don't have the strength or foresight to realize that they need the strength to overcome, and that strength comes from allowing God to show you what you need to know to overcome. I have been shown so much.
Yet, I am still tempted. I tell God "Help me, it is all I have ever known".
The Bible isn't kidding when it talks about crucifying your flesh. Who wants to crucify what brings you pleasure?
What's more difficult then realizing that you might not be "cured", but you may have to battle for the rest of your life. I find the greatest falls I have had were when I felt I was "cured". I resisted the devil and the devil fled, and yay I was never to hear from the devil again. Except...
So now I am wondering... What do I *actually* have to do, Lord? Trust You? So I am. I am trying, anyway. I realize that I have entertained so much fantasy that I don't even know which way is really up. I see flashes of what is reality and it is heartening. But I have so much overcoming to do. SO much hate, so much lust, anger, resentment, misogyny and misanthropy. Violence and pain. I strove to be the most evil, bitter, *** ever and now I have to deal with violent visions and demons I used to welcome.
I know that if I was beyond hope that I really do not believe that God would be bothering to work on me, to show me so much about myself, to give me hope, however fleeting I let it be.
it says int he Bible that God knew us before we were even born. "The Lord called me before my birth. From within the womb he called me by my name...He said to me, `You are my servant'..." (Isaiah 49:1,3 TLB); "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb" (Psalm 139:13). So, God knew all about me. I am not "One sin away from damnation" like I tried to convince myself just to be good, while my true nature festered and became carcinogenic behind my fantasy world. It was never dealt with.
So now, in trauma, I am forced to deal with myself, to be still and let God help me. Still I struggle. Still so much is revealed. I wish there was a magic cure, but there isn't. So many roots need to be torn out.
I need so much help but God is there for me, even when I don't want Him to be.
I installed an internet filter. It helps, a little. But due to the nature of furry 'art' there are some furry websites not covered by the filter. I emailed the filter company about it but they haven't done anything.
I have no excuses, I looked up some furry flash animations. While I was waiting for them to load, I closed them one by one. It was difficult to do. I feel so alone. I haven't been getting sleep because of my sinuses. I have almost had 3 weeks of awful, sporadic sleep.
One thing I have understood is that furry porn is highly addicting for someone who is weak. Because, furries do not exist. The very idea of it is laughable, so it lets you go to an area of your mind where it is pure fantasy. Part of you says "it's not hurting anyone or anything" and lets your imagination run. But... I have found that in all the terrible things I have indulged in-when I escape them, or think I have escaped them, it's furry porn that I go to.
What is the draw for such things?
Honestly, so many people have.. "Experimented" sexually with their pets when they were younger.
So, this porn, bridges what is socially very unacceptable with a more "human" aspect to it, but still so far fetched you are free to use your imagination, which allows you to fully involve yourself.
Somewhere during my sordid childhood I decided that I was responsible for everyone in my life. That, I was responsible for their sins, for their actions, to keep them happy, etc. This sick realization has been a burden on me for so long it became part of who I am.
God has shown me that this is not the case. I am only responsible for myself. During the brief but intense flashes of this realization, pornography really seems like a small mountain to merely step over. But the roots of the fantasy addiction go deep.
However, when I am strong enough, yes, strong enough, I will overcome.
Homosexuality is a weakness, a weakness that stems from never having fathomed what it means to actually be a man. Honestly, when I submit to another man I forfeit everything that has to do with what God made me to be. I literally am tempted with desires-but never truths. I know full well about the involved homosexuality, how promiscuity is a way of life. Monogamy is as rare as, well, unicorns.
I have talked to homosexuals, even homosexuals who claim to have searched the Bible and "found" that God really doesn't have anything against homosexuality. But I know better. It would be so easy to slip into the lifestyle, selling my body for another temptation-never satisfaction.
Yet... I still struggle!
I get so down on myself. I used to think that by literally believing if I indulged in homosexuality I would go to hell, that that would keep me from doing it. But it only allows me to say to myself "Well, I did it now. I might as well plunge full in". I know that I know that I know that God has a wife for me, a wife who is perfect. I have women at church who come after me, but I know in my heart-none of them is "her". I think that if God would just put her in my life then I would have something to combat the homosexuality with.
But the problem is that that is not true. These roots of perversion and wicked desires often are thought rooted out but they are not.
That's why you see Christians who say "I suppressed my homosexuality for 20 something years". Nothing terrifies me more than that.
I know God is faithful. I know that the thought of being with a woman is more wonderful than I could ever imagine. I can't judge anyone, but I can say when I see my friends sleeping with multiple women they are missing the point. They are cheating themselves out of a lifetime of fulfillment Gods way. I can't wait for what they are taking advantage of.
I also know that because of the alternate reality I have nurtured since childhood, that I have more to overcome-and overcoming is more terrible than anyone can imagine. You have to go against what has ever brought you what you feel is... your only source of hope, joy, etc.
I am not looking forward to the battles I have been going through. I hope I have the strength, and the ability to trust God when the temptations come. It is frightening for me, because I am not trusting myself anymore, but a god who has seemingly abandoned me and left me time after time, even though that is not true.
Somewhere I fostered an image of a god who is cruel and terrible, and waits to cut me down. This is why I lash out sometimes at God. I got stranded the other day with my little truck out in the desert while offroading (I was trying to do something for myself. I have been helping people with their vehicles for virtually free, and I wanted to have fun).
I damaged my radiator very badly and had to walk home. I fixed the radiator, but getting out was such a difficult time, I had to drive a few miles on a shredded tire. I was so close to screaming at God. I just wanted to have fun, but no. It does me no good. It doesn't benefit me at all to hate God. God loves me, He held me in His hands. It is why I lash out and say why give me that then put me back here in this place?
It's an awful thing to realize that to get my soul strengthened and ready for service for God, it takes a lot to wake someone up who lives in their own little world. To overcome homosexuality I need to be strong in the Lord, I need to be responsible for my own actions. Nothing that comes easy. This is what stops so many people from overcoming their homosexual temptation. They don't have the strength or foresight to realize that they need the strength to overcome, and that strength comes from allowing God to show you what you need to know to overcome. I have been shown so much.
Yet, I am still tempted. I tell God "Help me, it is all I have ever known".
The Bible isn't kidding when it talks about crucifying your flesh. Who wants to crucify what brings you pleasure?
What's more difficult then realizing that you might not be "cured", but you may have to battle for the rest of your life. I find the greatest falls I have had were when I felt I was "cured". I resisted the devil and the devil fled, and yay I was never to hear from the devil again. Except...
So now I am wondering... What do I *actually* have to do, Lord? Trust You? So I am. I am trying, anyway. I realize that I have entertained so much fantasy that I don't even know which way is really up. I see flashes of what is reality and it is heartening. But I have so much overcoming to do. SO much hate, so much lust, anger, resentment, misogyny and misanthropy. Violence and pain. I strove to be the most evil, bitter, *** ever and now I have to deal with violent visions and demons I used to welcome.
I know that if I was beyond hope that I really do not believe that God would be bothering to work on me, to show me so much about myself, to give me hope, however fleeting I let it be.
it says int he Bible that God knew us before we were even born. "The Lord called me before my birth. From within the womb he called me by my name...He said to me, `You are my servant'..." (Isaiah 49:1,3 TLB); "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb" (Psalm 139:13). So, God knew all about me. I am not "One sin away from damnation" like I tried to convince myself just to be good, while my true nature festered and became carcinogenic behind my fantasy world. It was never dealt with.
So now, in trauma, I am forced to deal with myself, to be still and let God help me. Still I struggle. Still so much is revealed. I wish there was a magic cure, but there isn't. So many roots need to be torn out.
I need so much help but God is there for me, even when I don't want Him to be.