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Aug 7, 2009 12:16:44 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2009 12:16:44 GMT -7
Your conundrum about not wanting God to hate you keeping you from sin, but not actually doing so, reminds me of one of my favorite passages: It is God's grace, not his wrath, that teaches us to say no to worldly passions. That is such a mind warp for us who struggle with addiction. We tend to be very performance-minded and struggle with the concept of grace. I like to say that we have a non-stick teflon coating when it comes to messages about God's grace. It's like we don't believe it. I looked that up in my KJV Bible. What a great verse. It is a help. You are right, when we are condemned we sink into a pit, and in that pit the only way to go is further down, because who wants to see light when you are bathed in darkness? I would like to present an analogy I was thinking of recently. I know I am not the most worse off person, I know that many have endured more than me (Allbeit in different ways?) It seems to me that when someone so young is subjected to violence, rape, whatever all the worse from a parent, that it is the same as reaching into a computer and jumbling the wires inside. Through the deceitfulness of lust brought about by a destroyed psyche (That Satan is happy to take advantage of) Satan reaches into that same miswired computer and now is able to short out wires that should never be shorted together. Does that make sense? Please pray for me.
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Aug 7, 2009 13:31:34 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2009 13:31:34 GMT -7
I don't think any addict would ever wonder that. Of course it makes no rational sense, but we've all experienced that day after painful day and year after painful year. That's how addiction works. We act out, and we feel desperate shame and loneliness, and part of our response to that is to try to feel better by acting out again. It doesn't make sense, but it's how all of us have lived large portions of our lives.
And I think your insight is wonderful that part of the way out is discovering again and again and again that nothing can separate us from the love of God. Another part of the way out, I'm also pretty sure, is discovering that however shameful we think our acts have been, we can still be loved by other humans, too. I can say to my fellow addicts and to my counselors and to my family things I thought it would kill me to admit, and still they love me. You have come here and unloaded a lot of things that must be eating you up inside, and nobody has said boo. Instead, people have welcomed you with open arms. We need to see that, too.
You are not forsaken and not abandoned, not by God and not by your fellow humans.
You're doing great stuff.
Tim M.
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Aug 7, 2009 16:28:57 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2009 16:28:57 GMT -7
Thank you, TM2. I was actually being bombarded today with thoughts of how much I must be a freak to you all. But I felt it wasn't coming from God. It was definately of the devil. Another blessing, I am starting to know the difference!
Thanks guys.
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Aug 8, 2009 7:17:56 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2009 7:17:56 GMT -7
It seems to me that when I find myself weak and in the middle of sin, when I stop condemning myself, God will open a light and show me some things, like He did when I was struggling a few nights ago. Where I had held these things close to myself, and inside, afraid to let them go, now i am confronting them in the light that I am still loved.
I am reading the stories of men who have endured similar things on Exodus International. It makes me feel not so alone.
Yet it seems as if these feelings of worthlessness and suicide are almost as ingrained in me as hunger and thirst. I know they are, because in being as weak as I have allowed myself to become, I defaulted to the "easiest" emotion. After fighting battle after losing battle, struggling to the point of near catatonia time and time again in my life, I am so exhausted, so beat down, so lonely, so alienated from God (Or felt that way) I just would give up.
All the time Satan is telling me to put the gun to my head, or make myself up a noose. Why is it that the most difficult, depressive and awful times I have lived seem like great things to go do again? I remember being a drunk in North Dakota. I would stay home and watch videos all day, or go drink with my friends.
God has also shown me that my struggle isn't anywhere near over. I don't want to admit it, even to myself, but these scars go so damned deep that I am going to have to confront things I never wanted to see again. Maybe even the memories of my childhood.
I feel like this thread is an outlet for me to express some things i haven't been able to express, but in a light, the light of the realization that Jesus still loves me. It's amazing how stupid I can be, to be loved by God and then get so far from Him that it seems like He hates me.
Pride dies a horrible death. Every slight pleasant emotion you allow to enter in you becomes a barbed, twisted thorn that is difficult to remove later.
I had fun at the motorcycle meet. It was nice to be a part of something. It was nice to be wanted.
I have realized today and yesterday that my goal of being perfect is not going to happen in this lifetime, and that I have so far to go. Niether of those things are things I want to admit.
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Aug 8, 2009 14:32:52 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2009 14:32:52 GMT -7
I don't know why I am so weak. I am sitting here in this chair and crying. How can I be so foolish? What is so wrong with me that I am willing to sacrifice my sanity for a few seconds worth of relief?
I was cleaning out an old truck yesterday when I found a bag of Bugler tobacco. I used to smoke 3 packs a day, I could kill a carton in a week. I smoked since I was 14. Sometimes I smoked because it brought me that much closer to death. Then I started to experience pain in my chest. I asked myself do I really want to die from cancer? Or was it just some temptation from Satan to succumb to an easy thought of laying down one day and never having to struggle again. Only a year ago I quit again! For 5 years once!
Why is it so hard for me to believe that there remains hope for me? Given everything I have been through I am vulnerable to the spur of the moment feeling of hopelessness that clouds out everything God has done for me.
Thoughts of quick redemption run around my head, just within reach. But never obtainable.
I know, you can read this and say "You need help", it's true, but I have always been this way.
It seems every negative thought that comes into my mind I try to counter with "God still loves me". Everytime I associate that thought pattern with "God still loves me" it makes me able to stand on my feet.
Yet, I still sin. The answer is on its way.
It seems the only time in my memory where my life was worth living was when I spent time with a particular animal at the sanctuary (I never molested him). When I felt depressed, he would grab me and wrestle me down to the ground where we would fight (not really though he is much stronger and faster than I am) until I felt better then he'd leave me alone. I bonded to him, and him to me. He was everything I had, he was what I had been asking God for since I was just a child. I haven't seen him in almost a year, now.
I have spent my entire life becoming somebody else, a rotten human being.
Now I wonder, how difficult is it to even see the real me? Is the real me the kid that died at the age of 3 when his father beat him mercilessly?
I fight and I fight and I fight and never triumph.
God has promised He will fight my battles for me. How do I let Him do that?
One thing is for sure I have learned a lot the past week. I know it is not hopeless or I'd already be dead.
I don't want to bother you guys. Please don't feel obligated to me. It helps me to type like this here. Is that OK?
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Aug 8, 2009 16:14:16 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2009 16:14:16 GMT -7
We are here to listen and encourage.
TruthSeeker
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Aug 8, 2009 23:34:31 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2009 23:34:31 GMT -7
Sure it's OK. Our inability to reply in detail to every post doesn't mean we don't read and don't care.
We all need help. Things that help me include getting help and sharing with others who have found or are finding freedom. They show me that there is hope for me, and that I can dare to trust.
Tim M.
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Aug 9, 2009 8:39:36 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2009 8:39:36 GMT -7
Sure it's OK. Our inability to reply in detail to every post doesn't mean we don't read and don't care. We all need help. Things that help me include getting help and sharing with others who have found or are finding freedom. They show me that there is hope for me, and that I can dare to trust. Tim M. Amen! Thank you! I had a good time at church today. I always struggle at church and pray constantly, not because I feel I should but because I am under heavy attack. How interesting to me that so much is revealed to me recently. I feel my old self coming back to try to curse me again, after 4 years. I think that as I grow and learn that the god I was afraid of is not the God of the Bible that I will grow stronger. "Help me today as I suffer and struggle" has been my prayer. Yesterday while on a ride in the desert, I felt that one of the artists who's work I had been looking at needed to know that God loves him. I was thinking to myself "Why doesn't he draw more stuff like this?" and I felt a voice say "Because it hurts him to draw it". Some doubt went through my mind, and in looking for a way to get a hold of him I saw some stuff that wasn't good per se, but I just kept going. I was already dog tired so I went to bed. Today I thought about it some more. Even if he laughs at me, or whatever, I want to do it, because I feel the sorrow I see in some of his pictures. Anyway, it seems to me that I should have emailed him last night instead of giving up. My hear is telling me to wait, now, because he probably needed to hear it last night and not today. I am praying on it, please pray for me too. Thanks!
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Aug 9, 2009 9:18:26 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2009 9:18:26 GMT -7
Hi Dave,
I thought of you during our morning message. Our pastor was preaching from 1 Peter, talking about preparing our minds for trials. One of the things he pointed out is that when we choose to follow Christ, even though we know that He is ultimately victorious over Satan, there are many battles between now and then, and Satan is not going to make it easy for those of us who have joined his enemy's army.
It takes some time before our sermons get posted, but he started the series on 2 Peter last week, (which is not posted yet,) but perhaps you would find it food for thought.
www.calvarybaptistchurchnj.org/now/page_006.htm
TruthSeeker
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Aug 9, 2009 10:34:01 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2009 10:34:01 GMT -7
I don't know if I should post what I wrote. It is intense.
I will definately check out your pastors sermon.
On second thought, I prayed about it, and I have a peace about it.
The following actually happened to me. It is intense and terrifying. It is also a testament to the fact that God can do anything.
Thank you for that.
This morning during Sunday school (For adults) the teacher was talking about how God forgives us, it was what I needed to hear.
My pastor also spoke about how we can turn from God, but He is still there for us. Who did the forsaking? my pastor said.
About 4 years ago while at the exotic animal sanctuary (I know I have talked about this before) I was overcome with an unreal temptation. Previous to that I had swore I would never allow myself or one of the animals to be demeaned by a sexual advance. Even though the owner professed homosexuality and allowed homosexuals and outwardly homosexual/zoophile (bestialty) to go there and spend time with the animals I never would associate myself with those people and asked why the owner would let them come there.
I later told the owner about my past, and about the temptation that had come on me.
All she said was that "She will bite you", half jokingly.
I pet her tummy and then realized what I was doing and ran out of there. It was like a switch had been flipped as soon as I got out of the pen and "things" were suddenly all over me. I even felt a physical sensation akin to a knife cutting me across my belly. I know this may make shivers run down your spine, and it should. Over the past 4 years, the first two especially, I was host to demonic torment that I almost never had relief from. It was constant. "Give up, you're going to hell" was repeated over and over and I felt things holding onto me, literally, physically, over my face, over my chest, on my back, and on my shoulders.
I ran back to my trailer, pleading with Jesus to spare me. I felt something with sharp claws or finger reaching into my chest wher emy heart was, and another thing grabbing my throat.
Over time one by one these things left me. I cried out to God a lot, read His word and was tormented by every verse mentioning Hell. I still have trouble reading the Bible.
I will never forget the first one that left. I was riding my motorcycle to go see the animal I had bonded with. I was rounding a turn to the road that led to the sanctuary. It was like someone pulled an icicle from INSIDE of me, through the top of my body.
I had no idea what happened, all I know is that I blacked out for a millisecond, felt horrendous fear, then was fine again. As fine as I could be, anyway. Later that week I went to Nevada to see some friends who had a farm, and I was struggling with that experience. I wondered if something evil had got me. But, as I prayed God showed me that it had LEFT me. It had left me angry.
I believe in total I have had 7 or so experiences since that time of things leaving me. One while I was overcome with weariness, I went to sleep. I was literally shaken awake, like I had suddenly come into contact with high voltage.
I remember reading about how the disciples were amazed, that when the demons left a certain man, the demons did not "tear" him.
Guys, if you are wondering what it is meant to be "torn" trust me, words and earthly emotions cannot come close to describing it.
So I prayed that if God was willing, not to let me be "torn".
God was so merciful, when the next ones left me they didn't hurt me. They were forced away.
Recently, a friend who knows about the attack told me I had no idea, there were demons all around me, but that the angels were on their way, coming to destroy them, and that my time of deliverance was sooner than I thought.
Something I am reading in the Exodus testimonials struck me:
"Stubbornly I said to God, "I'm leaving You in this stairwell" and entered the hallway leading to my apartment. Suddenly my eyes were opened to see hundreds of demons charging toward me. Terrified, I raced back to the stairwell and said, "I didn't mean it, Lord. I don't want to leave You; suffering with You is better than the alternatives to suffering without You." "
"Hundreds of demons charging" about describes it. Satan was allowed to do to me everything he wanted to, except for affect my physical body (To make me ill and take my life).
Every weakness, every rebellion, every thing that was inside of me that was not of God was quickly overcome.
I never contemplated suicide, because I knew I was so close, I would probably just do it.
During that time, right after the attack, I came to live with some Christians. I helped them caretake their property (600 acres in the hills what a view!) and helped them take care of their restaurant.
Even though we not always got along (I told the wife about my sexual issues, the husband wasn't so concerned with it. I realize this was a mistake for me) they are deep in my heart. God did that, because I struggled with them a lot. I just tried to be a servant, in light of what happened, I was trying to be a super Christian good guy person, because I didn't want the torment to get any worse.
I couldn't let go of the pain and fear I felt, not when it was holding onto me like that. I was paralyzed with fear.
Only now am I able to relax enough to allow God to show me some things.
I know you are thinking that I am exaggerating, or maybe I am just totally nuts, but in truth I am watering it down a little.
Why did God allow that to happen?
Because I was so convinced by the voices I heard, that I would go to hell, I wanted that animal more than I wanted God. So, God let me make that decision. Either because I had accepted Jesus when I was very young, or because I cried out to Jesus I was spared.
Through it, I have realized a lot. Even right after, God was helping me. But the anxiety never gave me a break. It was a living hell, almost liek God was saying "You thought your life was bad before!"
I have learned so many things about myself through, it, things I may not have learned otherwise.
Also, I realize these things happened to me, due to my fairly unique mindset, I could handle it. How many people can say they could deal with a demonic force that they could physically feel holding onto them.
When they would try to make me notice them, i started to say "There's nothing I can do. God is working".
God also gave me a far-off hope. Something that Satan could not take away, the thought that my redemption was inevitable, I just had to hang on.
A series of miracles happened to me also during that time, when I had calmed down enough (About a year and a half after the attack) to allow God to show me some things.
I will say this, my friends. If you doubt a word of what I am saying, there is One who knows the Truth. Ask the Holy Spirit to show you if I am lying about this. If it shakes you to your core, I apologize, but I am ultimately the one who has to overcome it.
You may ask yourself why I would ever go back to that place after all this happened to me, and so much I have not talked about.
The draw I had because of those animals was very strong. When I was in the pen with that particular animal I bonded with, I would always pray (Even before the attack). "Lord, make my relationship with this animal something that makes you smile". He honored that. Even the owner of the sanctuary said that he belonged to me. My heart breaks when I think about him, because he is penned up in a small pen by himself, and doesn't get visitors.
After I told the owner what had happened (I felt she deserved to know what I had almost done, and my sexual past) she was fine with it. SO long as I never actually did anything like that was the unsaid effect I got from the conversation.
A week or so later I helped a homeless man move out of there and I never returned. She sees me in town and asks me why I don't come to see the animal anymore. She can't understand why I would just abandon him and the sanctuary.
Plus, I did a *lot* of work there, and was skilled labor, I could run and diagnose electrical circuits, I was proficient in all the aspect of plumbing she needed, I was willing to work myself half to death for the animals, and I was very proficient with the computers.
Not only that but I had a number of guns and I knew how to use them, because the owner had had instances of people shooting at her animals, (One animal was shot to death form outside the sanctuary) drugs being dealt around there, etc, and needed someone to protect her and the animals. I was happy to do so.
But the feeling in my spirit that I shouldn't be there never left. I fasted, I prayed, I just wanted to be with the animals.
People I know from my church know the lady who owns it and are dumbfounded why I would just up and leave. "She's a nice person!" they say. Yes, she is, but she is running from God! I was "The Christian" and tried to help her, told her the witchcraft was not of God, and she agreed but things just didn't change.
Others in my church know about the sanctuary and think me wise for not going back.
I miss the animals, especially the one I bonded with. I pray for them, because I know what is allowed to live over there. I have seen the faces of one of the animals there turn from an animal into something contorted, as if a demon was wearing the facial skin and fur of the animal. The personality of the animal went from sweet, docile and loving to angry in a split second. It scares me to talk about it, but I did see it. My hear has been beating heavy since I started writing this.
This has been the most traumatic experiences I have ever had, and it is going to take a lot of recovery for me.
I have been literally too afraid to turn to God, because I was so scared He would say "Too bad, you made your choice". Even though I had been held in His arms when I was 14, and even though the miracles had happened to me, I still felt so afraid. I now know this is a tool of Satans to keep me from coming back to the Healer.
It is exciting to see what God is going to do with me in the future. I would wager that not too many people have been through what I have been through. He has called me to minister to those who are broken like me. My experiences at that sanctuary are part of that testimonial.
I ask God to "Count me as an overcomer in your kingdom" and "Count me worthy to escape the tribulation!".
He has promised me a wife, and the vision He gave me while on the property of the people who took me in will never leave me. In fact, the vision mostly has been what has been keeping me going.
Yesterday I was praying that same prayer, and His voice said "You already have overcome". How wonderful it was to hear that!!
Recently I have been tempted, in times of desperation, to go back and live there. Not if I want to stay in Gods will, and not if i want the vision to come true, and not if I want to stay on the path the He has chosen for me, however difficult and lonely.
I ask God, to let me have the animal I bonded with in Heaven. I say "Even if he means nothing to me in Heaven, let him be my constant companion".
It says that the Lion shall dwell with the Lamb, in the Bible, and it also says that the animals await the redemption of man (Romans 8 18-23).
Some people may say there will be no animals in Heaven, but I don't believe that at all. Not with what I know about God.
Sometimes when people you care about have left you to die, God will send an animal to comfort you.
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Aug 9, 2009 12:56:00 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2009 12:56:00 GMT -7
Hi Dave,
One thing that encourages me is that Satan only took a third of the angels with him, so that means that the faithful angels outnumber them two to one. Also remember that "Greater is He who is in you, than he who is in the world."
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Aug 9, 2009 13:01:12 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2009 13:01:12 GMT -7
Amen! You are right. Not only that, but the remainder work for the most powerful guy in the universe.
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Aug 9, 2009 13:35:26 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2009 13:35:26 GMT -7
True, indeed.
Tim M.
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Aug 11, 2009 11:10:13 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2009 11:10:13 GMT -7
These past few days have been a struggle. I have lost and I have won.
Something the Lord showed me was about my attitude.
In not being a father to me, my father did two things. Starved me for male affection that has turned into an addiction to other forms of male affection.
The second thing it did was it prevented me from becoming a man.
I have been through a lot, more than many people. But still, when I endure little things, the small things most men will endure as a part of life, I will let it ruin me.
God showed me yesterday that I was never taught when I was younger how to "deal" and "cope" with the unfairness of life. I had to try to do it on my own, instead of getting wisdom from a loving father, I used my own mind to survive.
I was getting angry with God again, for letting me live, for putting me back here on this earth. Like He does, He said "If you will calm down I will show you something. You won't want to hear it, but it is for your own good. All of these things you are angry with me about, you are angry because your father never taught you how to deal with life."
When someone like me becomes a soldier, I would be forced to become a man, to "find myself", to shear away all of the worthless baggage because any time I could be killed, and I would have to be ready for that.
So when little things come, like a red light camera with a short yellow light, I freak out. When I am cut off, I get furious. When the slightest injustice happens to me, I get mad. Real mad, and it burns inside of me until it burns out or I am shown how nonsensical it is, accept it, and calm down. Sometimes I know how unreasonable I am being, but I still continue, because sometimes it just feels good to be angry.
What a woeful life one lives when one lives for emotion alone.
When I was growing up, maybe I was just too sensitive. I do not know the reason. But, I figured out that if I think about a situation, or a person, or words, that if I say a certain thing, act a certain way, I could manipulate a situation and make things work in my favor. More importantly, I could be a person that I was not, just by trying, and changing myself. I was a scared, scarred, destroyed little boy, who took everything everyone said to heart. Satan knew this and sought to have people single me out for torment. Instead of trusting God to help me work with the pain of life, I trusted myself and escaped the pain, through anger.
The problem is, the the Bible says that is witchcraft.
What you are doing is trusting yourself, trusting your easily manipulated emotions, to make your own life. You trust yourself to tell you how to "be" and eventually you lose who you are. Because, you are not alone when you take this path. Do you think God is the one who is putting those thoughts into your mind, to "Do this", or "Act that way"? You lose who you are, and you also become unable to function as you really are. You cannot talk to people without thinking about what to say, instead of saying what comes naturally.
It also opens up so many doors to other things that are not from God. You step out of Gods protection, His realm where He can protect you. The only problem is, that in that realm, you have to trust Him, and trusting Him can be painful, and frightening.
You also never grow up. Because you never allow things to "happen" as you trust God, you are your own engineer, and by design you never, ever grow up. Life is about your experiences and how you deal with them, not your experiences and how you feel you should respond to them. That isn't to say you don't think, but don't try to put the entire world and every consequence in your mind. That's Gods job. That is why some people seem to act like total children when they let loose. They wonder why. Never experiencing life, never being vulnerable, you become an immature child in control of an adult body. The best you can do is act mature.
It also bolsters your pride. Your Goddamned pride. The pride that keeps you away from God, because for a while, you were in control. Why trust God? Why do you need Him?
I struggle with this. I hate my pride, I hate it so much. Until it comes down on you like a ten ton hammer, all your sin tangled in a web so sordid you can't even tell who you are anymore.
Strapping Young Lad has a song called "Dirt Pride". That's what pride is. It's your own foolishness telling you that you are in control.
To a degree, everyone who is not a manipulator is trusting God in their day to day lives. They just do not know His name. They do not understand that by not being afraid of people, they are not trusting themselves in life. Many of them do not know that in not trusting themselves, they are actually trusting God, without even knowing it.
That is why manipulation is called witchcraft. It is a joint effort (Whether you know it or not) with Satan to influence any given situation in your favor.
Why do witches and warlocks commune with Satan and cast spells?
It also opens up areas of the brain that should never be open to you. When you choose to open these areas up, you are unleashing a horrendous burden, by taking control of your life from God. There are things that people just shouldn't know. In the end, without exception, they will become a 10 ton weight, crushing you. Giving those areas back to God is as difficult as changing who you are, and who you have become. You have been this persona all your life, and changing is not quick nor is it easy.
You're probably thinking "Well if you know so much how come you're so ****ed up?". I don't know. I have the knowledge, but the strength, the willpower, the want and desire I lack.
There are times when I say I would rather be dead. I don't want to go to Hell. Certainly Heaven wouldn't want me. So, what? To never have existed? I think about it, and that would be sad. All I have is my love for wolves. There's something inside of me that won't let me dwell on that too much, to have never existed. Like a survival mechanism, or something living in me that cries out "THAT'S NOT THE ANSWER!"
Why not? I'm so tired. I am hanging on, because I really don't have a choice. I have made myself weak, and all of my poor choices have suddenly collapsed on me. How many more times must it happen? I don't even feel like a human being. When I think about it, I don't want to die, I just don't want to live.
I wish I could be a person who could trust God for everything. I am trying so hard, but the mire of much that is the old self is like a glue trap.
I have so much growing to do. Because of my iniquity and my sinning recently, I am fighting even moreso for my sanity. Was it worth it? It NEVER is. But why is the end result always hidden from me when I am in the midst of temptation? I suppose that s just the nature of it.
The wife of the couple I lived with after the sanctuary incident had a brother. He rode a motorcycle like I did. He was also abused when he was younger. You could see the pain in his eyes. He would tell his sister "I just don't want to live anymore".
One night, God took him home, it was a hit and run he was on his bike.
I think some people let life become such a burden, when they feel they have run out of options, that they just give up. I feel I am one of those people. There is a way out, there is God, but I don't even have the strength to smile sometimes, let alone choose Gods will.
I understand that God knows this, and has been really kind to me, in spite of my experiences.
I have felt a bullet travel along the hairline of my temple. I have had a bike stall just before I flew sideways into a busy highway. I have had a heart attack from drugs. I have had a loaded shotgun, and a loaded pistol held to my head on two different occasions. I have been laying on a desert road with my body broken and a rib in my lung, dying. I have died from an injection. But I still remain. God wants me alive or I would have died a long time ago.
I want to do what God wants me to do. I want to live the life that God has for me. I don't want to substitute my own disgusting righteousness for His. I cannot see a way out of everything I have done to myself. But I know there is hope and redemption. It is the now that I struggle with. It is the times I spend alone, the times I am hit with what I have become, that my heart is run through.
I ask myself "What is the point? What is the point of me?"
I know that if I endure, if I wait, I will feel better. It always passes. But while I am enduring it, sneaks up on me like a small rabbit and hits me like a freight train.
God, please don't despise me or forsake me. I am trying. I feel so unworthy.
I have ordered some literature from Exodus.
I had a dream about the animal I bonded to last night. I miss him so much. I feel so alone sometimes it is just overwhelming.
On a good note, I adjusted the valves, synced the carbs, and richened up my motorcycle a little, and the thing runs great now. I love my motorcycle. Sometimes all I have to look forward to is riding to the store.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Hello
Aug 11, 2009 12:05:58 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2009 12:05:58 GMT -7
Hi Dave,
Please forgive if I am writing things that you have already considered, but I just don't want to assume.
You have a right to be angry, with your father for abusing you, and your mother for letting him do it. (I wouldn't be surprised if he abused her, too, and even adults can be so paralyzed by fear and poor self-esteem that they won't utilize women's/children's protection programs.) Have you considered the possibility that you are displacing your justifiable anger, which you may never have been able to express to your parents, on to these daily irritations?
Scripture tells us "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. ... And do not
grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling
and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God
forgave you." Eph. 4:26-7, 30-2 NIV
An important step, which may be a ways down the road for you, will be to ask God to help you to forgive your parents. Anger and bitterness hurt us more in the long run than they do the object(s) of our anger.
I realize that your own life is tumultuous at present, but is there anywhere in your area at whitch you might be able to volunteer to assist others who are struggling, applying the compassion you have shared with animals to your fellow humans?
I am not looking for you to answer these here, just presenting some things for personal meditation.
Continuing to pray... TruthSeeker
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