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Aug 11, 2009 16:38:04 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2009 16:38:04 GMT -7
Thank you for taking them time to type that.
I haven't given much thought to the misplaced anger situation. I suppose, you are right. I have an unreasonable expectation that everything should be fine, and I don't know where it came from, but I am trying to be rid of it. Some things get ingrained in you and it is hard to shake them loose.
I am driving a large diesel truck to pick up food for the homeless and hungry, but I don't really interact with them.
I am friends with the homeless in town, but there's not much I can do around them, except drink.
One thing I do, is when a poor person has car troubles I will repair it for them usually for free. It can be a burden, but I have made some good friends from it.
In fact, today I am helping the son of the sister of them wife of the people I am staying with. His Ford Ranger locked up (Warped head, water in oil) and I am helping him pull the motor and put a new one in.
It seemed after my last post, that I was freed of some torment. I was reminded that my release from the bondage of the attack was nearer than I thought.
The guy's mom made home made tacquitos [sic] with homemade chile (salsa) and it was fantastic. For a brief moment I felt like "Dude, you are OK".
I rode home on the bike and did a temperature check by feeling the side of the engine case, and boy, it was running cooler than it ever has. What a blessing that is.
OH! Something amazing happened!!
I got a call from a 406 area code. I debated whether or not to answer it (I get calls from bill collectors all the time) but I did. It turns out it is Daniel, the homeless guy I moved out of the exotic animal sanctuary! It's been almost a year and a half since I saw him last! The Lord has been laying him on my heart to pray for, and I have been. It turns out not only is he doing well, but he also has the old 1960's era Yamaha scooter I helped him to get running good. I thought he'd lose it, being homeless, but he still has it. That's amazing!
I had to drop everything I was dong and talk to him. Wow, it's been a while. I was wondering how he was, and if I would ever even hear from him again. I was blessed by this a great deal. It is hard to wonder about how a friend is doing.
I also had some thoughts while I was riding the bike to help the guy fix his truck.
That, God is working on me. God doesn't take a break, or forget about me and say "Oh crap! I forgot about him!". Things may seem a way in my mind, but the truth s God is forever working on me while I live.
So I thought "Why then is my progress sometimes stunted?"
It is because I allow myself to be carried away with emotion (Good or bad) and go somewhere where the devil is leading me in my mind, and pretty soon I am running away from a bad situation I created.
The point God made with me is that I need to continue to stay the course He has laid out for me, with the confidence that I am going to one day, not have to endure int his world anymore, and that it will be His will when it happens.
Like "Dude, stop worrying". Easier said than done when I am under heavy attack or temptation, but I feel that God is going to deliver me out of a lot of things I thought would always be there to hurt me. He sort of has to, for me to be able to progress.
He also reminded me that "I will always love you". No matter how stupid I get. It is just good to have that knowledge in my spirit every once in a while.
Tomorrow someone else is driving the truck, so I can sleep in, that's a blessing, too.
But I hear you about the compassion. I have struggled with that a lot, with people. In order for me to have the mindset I had when I was growing up, I had to look down on everyone. I hated and despised people, because all they were good for was hurting me.
I cannot really jump from that mindset to a caring one without a lot of help. God doesn't want me caring more for animals than for people, so He is working on that with me, too.
Daniel asked me how the animals were doing at the sanctuary, I told him I didn't know. I haven't been there since I saw him last.
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Aug 13, 2009 12:01:28 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2009 12:01:28 GMT -7
Yesterday was my birthday and don't even say it, please. I thought I might have two shots of Vodka and a cigarette, so I did. I hiked up to a tall hill with my binoculars and looked over the desert. I rolled a small cigarette from the tobacco I found. I then laid down on a rock and slept. Since I have been walking the way God has been wanting me to walk the past few years, in spite of horrendous oppression and fear, I now realize that God has been blessing me. I have been blessed with being placed on a path to growth, and more blessings. However, since have been caving in to my flesh, I am starting to see how much I have screwed that up. I have opened a door to temptation that in the past has been so severe it has affected me physically. I am reading a thing about temptation written by a Christian. Here is a quote from it: www.reformedonline.com/view/reformedonline/Jesus%27%20Advice.htm In other words, resist temptation, find a wife, get married and just be happy.
I guess it depends on who you talk to.
Probably one of the most important things about my condition was revealed to me yesterday, and I feel the need to share it.
At some point in my young, ruined and shattered life I found myself contemplating life.
I had to have been thinking about life in its entirety. Thinking about how we struggle, sweat and slave, then die.
I know I thought "There's no way I am going to do this" and sought about creating a fantasy world where I didn't have to die, I didn't have to struggle. I have been terrified of death since I was a very young child, thanks in part to my mothers hypochondria, which she effectively passed onto me. I simply convinced myself I was not going to die.
There was more than likely some distortion in my young mind of scripture. I can almost guarantee it.
Instead of listening to the scripture I learned in Sunday School, I probably just got involved with the spirit of the discussion, rather than the substance. This left my mind open to emotional distortions, coupled with my need for a fantasy world where I wasn't so ruined inside, Satan had a field day. And he still does today, literally 30 years later.
"Isn't it great, kids? We are going to live forever with Jesus!" And in my mind: "You're not going to die, Dave, you're going to live forever with Jesus.... Here on earth just like you have been".
So I told myself "I am not going to die because I am a Christian!"
I have been living under this deception for a long time, and when said as an adult it is hard to believe I would be harboring something so juvenile.
But it makes sense.
Only recently have I been thinking about the misery that is my life, and a voice tells me: "Do you think you are going to endure this forever? Because in your heart, that is exactly what you think".
I have been saying to myself the greatest blessing God could give me is the gift of death. Why? Because then, I don't have to live anymore. And it's not that... Not living.. It's living HERE. Where life is cheap. But I don't say it out loud. I cannot live like this forever, and God has shown me that He loves me, over and over. I have to hold out. I was given a vision and it has kept me going, and alive do varying degrees.
So, after convincing my young mind that I am not going to die, I set out to build a world around that distorted reasoning.
Like I said before: A world of emotions. Why work hard to feel like you have accomplished something when you can just FEEL like you have? Except that sine changes that and opens the door to allow Satan to wreak havoc in your mind. Because I never trusted God to make my life worth living I set out to do it myself. Later, copious drug usage and drinking helped me achieve a higher state of delusion. Only today, after 30 years, am I starting to wake up to all of this.
Thus begins my cold and lonely road to the realization that one day, I am going to die.
Except, that during those dark times of introspection, when I am looking deep inside of myself, seeing all that is wrong, I am uplifted with the thought that one day I will die and I will not have to struggle anymore. One day, I will be rid of this life. And that brings me a great deal of comfort.
I understand that God is sorting things out.
I am struggling now even more with God, with resentment, over my situation. As bleak as things were in my old mind, they are similarly bleak, except now, they are more based in reality.
And now since I have yielded to temptation, I can feel my old mind, curses and all, starting to come back.
Since what happened to me at the exotic animal sanctuary, I was subjected to so much mental trauma, I became another person entirely, I had to, to survive, to be someone who wasn't deserving of Hell. Still, I try to earn salvation. I have been pleading with God to spare me from my old self.
God has shown me a lot. I am to have a ministry for homosexuals, I am going to have wealth, I am going to have a wife. What does all that matter when I am still me?
When I am able to look at all that I have become, all that I am, all I have tried to be, it is overwhelming. I have heaped the curses on myself until things were so dark it was God alone holding me together. How do you undo 30 year old habits? How do you break lifelong curses? Part of me knows God can do it. Part of me sees the old garbage comes back. Part of me is scared God doesn't care anymore.
Part of me wonders if God is helping me because it wasn't my fault for what happened to me when I was so young. The things I really wish I knew. I have missed out on 30 years of living as a human being. As someone who trusts God with their life, and not their easily manipulated emotions.
We are reaching a new phase of Gods presence in this world. Things have never looked bleaker, but they are also hopeful. I have taken comfort int he Bible verse that says "You were born for such a time as this".
I am torn between the thought that the Christian life is one that should be rich in blessing and devoid of suffering, and the thought that it may be a life desiring death, more and more, as someone in the desert desires water.
My mom once told me I cannot help how I feel. I sure hope she is wrong about that. I also dread the thought of going back to bondage and trying to make myself a sinless robot.
In the end, in spite of how bleak I feel things are, I am trusting God. I am trusting God by choosing to remain alive, to believe that there is hope for me, even though I cannot fathom it.
I understand that my understanding of God is warped and has been that way since I was very young. I understand that being transformed, having my mind renewed in truth has been a long and difficult struggle.
I know when I stand before Jesus, His presence will not be through a cloud of distortion. It is my sincere desire to be the man that God was wanted me to be. it is my desire to have a Holy relationship with Him, who has kept me safe all of my life. I want to walk the path that He has for me, because at the end of that path, at the end of the road is rest, not a delusion of eternal life unchanged. Sometimes I think about Jesus in Biblical times, and I think about what I would do. A sorrow wells up inside of me, a spring of an unfathomable depth of pain wells up when I envision Jesus. I see myself dropping to His feet and crying all of my pain away. Crying until I had poured out all of the pain of my life. Would He let me lay there and cry for all that time? I have to believe He would. I wonder if there were people suffering similar things who did actually drop down and cry like I envisioned myself. I will sometimes think that I am so damaged, so destroyed that I would need to be brought up to Heaven to be healed.
P.S. I know that a lot of my progress has been because of the people who are reading these things and praying for me, sincerely. I thank you, and want to say that it is doing me good. I know kind hearted people are being led by the Spirit to keep me in their prayers and it is making a difference.
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Aug 13, 2009 14:30:29 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2009 14:30:29 GMT -7
More introspection and listening to the Lord, I have realized two things.
Part of my pride and arrogance is wanting to have the same mind, to be comfortable and unchanged. The problem with that is that while we still live we are flawed. So I am trying to hold on to a flawed state.
In holding onto a flawed state, I resist the changes that God would have me make incrementally over time. These changes are almost always universally painful, difficult, and burdensome, because they are tearing down what I have built up. So, I have made a life of for the mostpart, resisting them.
It is very easily to be deceived in this state because it is derived from pride, pride that says: "You are master of your own mind and destiny and you have it all together.". Of course, that's not the case at all.
I was reading last night in a devotional about anxiety. How it stems from you believing that something is on you that you are unable to take. But the Bible says we are not given more than we can take, even though it seems as if we are burdened beyond relief sometimes.
I might as well resign my hope for a painless life. I have to take the good with the bad, and not live in a fantasy that has been proven a source of misery.
Please continue to pray for me.
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Aug 13, 2009 14:38:34 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2009 14:38:34 GMT -7
Hi Dave,
Your ponderings bring to mind Psalms 119:105. "Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path." At some point I remember it being pointed out that a lamp, especially those of biblical times, was not something that would illuminate much distance ahead. While not being able to view further down the road may conceal that a rough area levels out, it also precludes us seeing and fearing a mountain ahead, distracting us from what God asks of us right now.
I wonder, sometimes, what kind of salt or light I might be, whether or not I would remember to have compassion for unbelievers, if my salvation had brought insolation from the trials of this world. How often does it appear that the rich and famous are surrounded by friends, only to be rapidly abandoned and/or mocked by them when their fortunes are lost, or stardom wanes? By contrast, how many lifelong bonds have been cemented under the most horrific of circumstances, such as concentration or POW camps? Yes, I might be inclined to judge God's faithfulness by what He's done for me lately, rather than what Jesus did before I was born, but by what standard could my faithfulness to God be measured? Would I really want to offer Satan the opportunity to accuse me of only being his servant for the blessings, as he did Job?
TruthSeeker
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Aug 14, 2009 6:18:29 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2009 6:18:29 GMT -7
doleorequiem,
I'm just touching base as someone who is still reading and listening. Much of what you write about is too deep for me to be able to reply meaningfully, but I continue to read.
Two very brief quotations from your earlier posts on which I do have quick comments:
Well, who else is there? As the disciples say, Lord, to whom shall we go?
Obviously this isn't an argument in favor of death, which was the context of the remark, but I think there is nothing more certain than that heaven does want you, and all of us. We've all made a lot of mistakes, but we make those mistakes as Christ stands beside us, weeping, waiting in patient sorrow until we have suffered enough to take the hand that is always extended to us. If my 30 or 40 years in hell have taught me anything, it is that.
Tim M.
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Aug 14, 2009 10:39:19 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2009 10:39:19 GMT -7
doleorequiem, I'm just touching base as someone who is still reading and listening. Much of what you write about is too deep for me to be able to reply meaningfully, but I continue to read. Two very brief quotations from your earlier posts on which I do have quick comments: Well, who else is there? As the disciples say, Lord, to whom shall we go? Obviously this isn't an argument in favor of death, which was the context of the remark, but I think there is nothing more certain than that heaven does want you, and all of us. We've all made a lot of mistakes, but we make those mistakes as Christ stands beside us, weeping, waiting in patient sorrow until we have suffered enough to take the hand that is always extended to us. If my 30 or 40 years in hell have taught me anything, it is that. Tim M. Time, thanks for the reply. I think you have misunderstood. When I say "Why trust God", it is the foolish thought process that fuels the prideful belief that I can control my own destiny, including spiritual things. I have been realizing, steeped in temptation, that I have been shunning God, saying to Him "No thanks, I can handle it". Deep down I am also saying "No thanks. I know what You want. You want me to suffer. I know this because with few exceptions it is all have ever done. I don't want to be indebted to you". Scary, huh? Coupled with my diseased mind, I have neglected ever letting God have the deepest parts of me, the parts that Satan can prick and cause me grief and sorrow. Now, I must confront these strongholds, that for me, are so deep they go into the physical realm, some of them. I have tried to make my own way so deep inside of me that it seems I don't have a place to hide, not even in my own mind. I don't think too many people can understand, and I don't think I'd really want them to. I know God has given me the strength to live, but slowly succumbing to thoughts and whatever, I have allowed Satan to whittle away what peace I had. I am so unbelievably tired. I am dealing with the consequences of my sin. It is tempting me to believe that I had no other choice, to hate God because I have had two choices: Falling to temptation OR the empty misery that is daily life. But, I never gave God a chance to help me during those dark times, because I believed that He had abandoned me as soon as I started to allow temptation to take root. Only the past few weeks or so have I started to realize that God is always there for me. But realization isn't applying. Like a spoiled little child I turned my back on God and said "NO!". It has to go to the very root of my existence, the part of me that I took control away from God. So my struggle is two-fold, I have to give it back to God, then allow Him to repair it. I made it a point when I was younger to take control of as much of myself as I could. How regrettable this is for me today. It's like a 3 year old going to work on a space shuttle with an axe and a rocket launcher, then realizing later that he is going to have to live in the spaceship later. I feel that the only way I am going to experience what Grace is, is to suffer more. What other way is there? However, I am comforted with the realization that no matter what, I am going to die one day. Something I need to say, is that with everything that is revealed to me, it is not victory. It's only a diagnosis. I have become accustomed to the thought that I am striving for perfection. I remember way back when (I was 18?) for several years I didn't go on the net, I didn't watch TV, I didn't drink, I felt so filled with Gods Spirit (Or maybe it was the Prozac?) that I felt I was literally perfected. Until.. I looked up some furry stuff on a work computer. However, it seems today that the direction I want to go, is back there. To "Perfection". Burying all the disease to fester deep inside, and to pretend I am perfect. Some Christians today profess to have reached a state of perfection. They have fallen into an awful trap! feel the way to redemption is not to hold onto any absolutes. I have found that by holding on to absolutes, that absolutely anything can happen to you. The only absolute is that God loves me. And even that absolute is about as bright as a candle inside me, it seems. I fear sometimes that I have not strayed from God but rather I was never close to Him. He gave me supernatural experiences so that they would be my strength, because I refused to allow Him to help me in the day-to-day. Satan saw how vulnerable I was and pounced on me and did horrendous things to me. Things only God can help me with, that no medication, or counseling can cure. I know God hasn't given up. In writing these things it really helps me understand myself better. But, sometimes honestly the only thing that keeps me from giving up is the thought that I may go to a place even worse than this planet and the hell I have created for myself here. I just need a lot of help, and only God can give it. I have no hope otherwise.
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Aug 15, 2009 0:00:22 GMT -7
Post by john on Aug 15, 2009 0:00:22 GMT -7
I've been listening to "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller on audiobook. I don't know why, but I feel that something in the chapter on loving ourselves is relevant to you.
He talks about the verse where Jesus says we are to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. The author had a very hard time receiving love and had a string of bad, failed relationships because of it. He felt he was able to give love, but wasn't able to receive it himself because he hated certain things about himself.
He realized that by giving love to others, he was asking them to receive his love, but he was unwilling to receive their love in return. He realized what a prideful and even hypocritical thing this was - to deprive them the opportunity to give love when he expected them to give him that opportunity.
Anyway, I thought it was profound. It's a really good book if you haven't read it.
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Aug 16, 2009 12:17:45 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2009 12:17:45 GMT -7
Thank you for that reply, John. It seems when I focus on any one of my problems I am wading through a telephone line terminal (Thousand if jumbled wires) and suddenly I am less concerned with the individual problem and more overwhelmed with the general nature of my overall neurosis.
Last night I went to bed and was going to fall asleep when I was reminded that because I didn't email the artist I talked about earlier, that I needed to wait 7 days and do it next Saturday. So I got back up, prayed and prayed, and emailed him. I spoke from my heart and told him about how Jesus still loved me even though I was screwing up. I told him I was his friend, and that I can empathize with him, all of which is 100% true. I feel a sorrow for him in my heart because I know it is something we both struggle with.
I woke up today with the revelation that my entire spiritual life has its foundation on emotions. What's wrong with that? you may ask. The Bible says we are not o go by sight (Feelings, things you can see and touch) but by faith. Which is good advice when I start to feel like there is no hope for me, from hopping on my bike and making myself a truckers hood ornament.
God showed me this morning that I haven't really truly meditated on His word, and actually BELIEVED any of it. I always had an accompanying emotion and said "Aww that's great Jesus is going to do that for me". Not "I can apply this to my active life and literally believe this is going to happen for me!".
This did two things:
1. It let me build my feeble house on sand. This is why Satan had a field day with me at the exotic animal sanctuary. If you attack someone who believes he is doomed deep down, how long will that person endure? Satan was hoping I'd pop myself, like I fantasized about doing all my life, and just get it over with. But I endured. I endure.
2. Necessitated God proving Himself to me. God has use of me, I am told that by people who don't even know me. Am I special? Maybe, in a "You were born for such a time as this" way. Do I want to scream for God to take my life from me? Absolutely. Just because someone is chosen for something doesn't mean it is something you yourself are able to handle (Which is why I in particular was born for "Such a time as this").
I called my mom today and unloaded a lot of my problems to her. One thing I said is that I know, I understand that I will be OK in the long run. But that doesn't help me today. I told her about the stove. I may have at another point in my life. She knows I am a *****ed up person. I said "I don't know what all happened to me when I was younger but..". She is the one who told me I was abused since I was 3 (I don't remember, so I asked and she told me).
She had me go through an exercise where I say out loud 5 things I am touching, 5 things I am seeing, and 5 things I am hearing. Saying each thing, with one less at the end. Like, I am touching my socks, my pants, my shorts, my chair and my laptop. Then, I am touching my socks, my pants, my shirt, and my chair. Then, I am touching my socks, my pants, my shirt. Then, I am touching my socks and my pants. Then, I am touching my socks.
Then repeat it for when you are seeing, then what you are hearing, because when Satan attacks you he has trouble doing so when you are concentrating on something else.
After the revelation this morning, it hit me hard and I was freed a great deal by it. I felt good, like healing had begun. Halfway through church I was burdened a great deal by everything. I ran out of church, (When the service was over) and my prayer was answered, nobody tried to stop me to talk to me.
I also didn't tell anyone about my birthday, but they had me fill out a card at church about me, and I put it down. My brithday came and went, but they still had a delayed birthday. The guy who does the announcements said in front of the church "Sorry David we missed your birthday I apologize about that", to which I said "I didn't tell anybody about it..." but he just kept going. They had me stand up and everyone sang happy birthday to me and a few others anyway. While I was standing, they said "Anyone else having a birthday this week?" I chimed in "You aren't getting out of it, you might as well stand up!" Haha. At least some people laughed.
I have been asking God to take my life from me. I am so tired, I tell Him. I just can't do this anymore, I say. I wonder if the hope that is deep down inside of me is actually there, or is it just a survival mechanism? God reminded me today that I am going to be married to a woman I love. I can only fanatsize what that will be like, because I honestly have never experienced it in my lifetime. But I get caught up inside myself in fantasies a lot, so I can't think about it too much. My desperate mind grabs onto anything pleasurable and holds onto it with tenacity. It is quite a fight to let go of pleasant things, that can quickly turn into misery.
I am trying not to let bitterness overcome me. It comes on me not as bitterness, but as relief. "Just hate everyone. It's easier that way. Go somewhere and just... die. There's no hope. Just give up. Do you really want to wait for something afar off?" it says. Satan will never tempt you with feelings of truth.
I hunger for two things anymore. One is truth, the other is rest. Not sleep, but eternal rest.
My warped mind, 30 years old, and I mean old, has never been "right" or "healthy". I have trained myself to believe a deception, to ruin myself my entire life. I know no amount of counseling, drugs, or whatever can help me overcome the ingrained. Only God can do that. He knows what I am going through, though I ask Him if He sees sometimes.
All have to do is continue to survive. Climbing mount Everest for some people is undoubtedly easier than waking up and forcing the thoughts of self initiating an absence from life is for me personally.
It seems like in order to be satisfied, and "Comfortable" with the outcome of continuing to live, someone has to be blamed, it has to be someones fault. My father? Whoever did whatever when I was younger? Me? Drug dealers, gang members? Pride keeps me from blaming myself.
I am learning not to live in the spirit of things, in the perceived spirit of people, and things. This is the essence of manipulation: Assuming people are thinking a certain way, and trying to manipulate the outcome. It is a lonely realization that ultimately people cannot help you, cannot sustain you. You are all lone. You are going to live alone, and die alone. Nothing anyone does to help you ultimately matters. Only what you do for God means anything at all. Everything is futility, "Vanity" as it were. Discovering your entire life is a lie is acceptable only when you are struggling with so many other things that it's sadly just another drop in large bucket of lifelong problems.
"I will never give you more than you can endure" is true. But I have been pushed right up to that line, and then farther, just to show me, oh yes, you can take much more than that. When God is done with me (I saw a ray of light for my situation today. I can honestly say I haven't seen one in 4 long years. One that real and strong, anyway.) I am going to be thoroughly rid of my "Chaff". But you have to remember God never said He'd use gentle mechanical separation, no this process is to be done entirely in fire. Better in the agony of life where there is hope yet than in the agony of death, where all hope is lost.
The ironic thing, is that after what happened to me at the exotic animal sanctuary, this burden of honest introspection is actually, at times, a relief. Better than feeling demons grabbing you, raping your thoughts. I have to wonder, is that what an unbeliever experiences when they die? It happened so fast. Being ripped apart by things you cannot see, overcome with fear that a human being was never meant to endure? A fear so tangible it was like wading through water sometimes? I am thankful I am not in the actual Hell. But that doesn't lessen the pain of what I have endured the past few years.
I wanted to post something informative and enlightening and hopeful, but this is what I have.
All I ask is that you pray for me when I am on your hearts. Prayer works!
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Aug 16, 2009 12:41:21 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2009 12:41:21 GMT -7
Allow me to add one thing:
I have been living my life on my own, including fighting Satan, on my own. This has created a tremendous burden on me that is evident in my writing. I am beginning to wake up and understand that I simply cannot do this on my own anymore.
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Aug 16, 2009 13:03:33 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2009 13:03:33 GMT -7
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Aug 16, 2009 15:16:21 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2009 15:16:21 GMT -7
THAT IS FANTASTIC! Thank you!
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Aug 25, 2009 17:12:27 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2009 17:12:27 GMT -7
So, I have been traveling the road of wondering if God has abandoned me. I was so afraid He did, but eventually I stopped worrying. If He did, what can I do about it, I thought.
I told a friend at church my struggles, mainly about not ever being intimate with a woman, only men. I told him about the exotic animal sanctuary incident, too. He shared some things about himself, too. But he was sort of taken aback by the comment that a 30 year old man can go that long never having been with a woman, and not only that, only men. I saw him in the library and he was acting nervous. I don't expect people to be accepting, supportive, and loving. I'd like to think that I could go my life battling it by myself but I felt led to share it with him.
Today he called me with some struggles of his, and mentioned the library incident. He said he thought I took what he told me and was judging him by it (HA!!!!). I told him I thought he was judging me by what I told him.
I received a big dose of strengthening today.
I have to tell you guys this: I have been battling with a vacuum of positive emotions and simultaneously facing a question of faith.
For example, I feel completely abandoned by God, yet, the verse "I will never leave you or forsake you" pops into my mind. While I am essentially completely emotionally terrified, alone, insecure, etc. I am forced to believe it on faith without any emotional backup. Because, I have said before, my previous relationship with God was based on emotion and no real belief.
I fear this is becoming more common.
I saw a vision a few days ago of a Bible so watered down that it was universal, Jesus is a teacher and nothing more. Even more disheartening was the thought that it was mainstream, and true believers were in the minority, shunned for their closed minded beliefs.
These are some times we are living in.
I was with a friend of mine who is a former Marine sniper. He has massive emotional trauma, that goes well beyond what I can type. He was telling me that he has recently discovered that "You sometimes just have to suffer through it". I can type it now, but it is difficult to accept when you are presented with suffering the magnitude of which can seem life and death at the moment.
Something I want to share: The reason that homosexuality is so difficult to overcome, is simple, but it's complex.
The day to day mind of a man who is so emotionally scarred that they require sexual attention from another man is so radically different than the mind of the heterosexual male. How so??
Well, there's no arguing over the fact that homosexual men have baggage and issues. Due to the survival mechanism of the human mind, men who have same sex attractions simply work "around" the difficulties of a horrific childhood, an abusive father, an abusive mother, abusive friends, abusive whatever. You cannot act like you feel inside. You obtain happiness from things that normal people would not look twice at.
So, when you are confronted with temptation, in your altered state of mind, you are forced to make a decision.
Leave all the comfort of your mind, deny everything that gives you the least bit of happiness, or surrender to these desires that are stronger than the desire to survive itself. Oh, and the decision must be made NOW. Don't turn to reason, you will be shoved back into the decision. If I didn't know better it'd be easy for me to say "I was born this way". That's how Satan works. You are forced into a checkmate. You have to deny your very self, everything that is good in your mind. It's horrible, confusing, and an awful thing to deal with.
This, I believe, is why I have been forced to deal with my faith in a non-emotional basis.
Because, during those times of temptation, the thought of a sinful indulgence can, if you allow it, to completely override every survival mechanism, and rational thought you have in your mind at the time. You want it like someone who is five minutes away from death of thirst in the desert, wants a glass of cool water.
I have been crying out to God to take my life from me more and more. There is a feeling of relief when I do. But, recently, especially today after being strengthened, I feel better. I feel that I dare not type anything during some of those dark times.
I was visiting a rehabilitation center for the drug addicted today, and was talking to a 19 year old kid. He has tattoos all over his neck, his arms, hands and fingers. He's a good guy, but he has been through so much. He made the decision to leave the center. I could see the pride in his life "I just don't feel welcome here". I told him it stems from pride, but he just kept talking. I told him sometimes we have to suffer. He had none of it and left.
There are very dark places in my mind, that I am shamed over. Like my anger towards God. Anger is a light word. But, I am starting to realize that God does not WANT ME to run away from it. But instead, run to it. Because, if I ignore it, it will remain, but if I run headlong into it, I am forced to confront it, and the logic behind it, and the emotions that are attached to it.
There is fear in confrontation of these dark things. Because, God did not give us a spirit of Fear. So, why am I afraid? Because Satan sure as hell will. And Satan wants you to remain in your fear, remain in bondage to those dark places. Satan wants you to be afraid of ever confronting your past.
I am realizing more and more that all Satan has is FEAR. When you are rushing into those dark places, you are forced many visions of physical destruction, mental anguish, suffering, more pain, shame, separation from God. But when you arrive in the heart of those places, you find there is none of that. In fact, there is healing. It's like Satan puts up an imaginary impenetrable wall. It looks like an armed fortress from a distance, evil and for boding.
But, when you run to storm it, against all odds, against all fears, you find that it's really a gossamer tissue, painted to look mean, but is easily run through.
The very act of storming those strongholds is a form of faith in God. If you were to try it with your own strength you never would even turn to face it. By saying screw you, I am going there and going against every emotional boundary, you are putting faith in God that none of those things will happen, and that if they do, you trust Him to deliver you.
I am talking like a robot, like a machine, but I can assure you that I am no machine. I have wanted to be one, cold and unfeeling since I was a child, though. I see where that desire has lead to today. So many childish decisions that have been made that have carried themselves nto adulthood and have become things I have to overcome with difficulty today. What does the Bible say about teaching a child the way to live and he will not depart from it?
I would like to be free of every evil thing and be perfect tomorrow, to live life in a world where there is no pain or fear, but that is not going to happen. So, when do I expect my redemption? As I have been: in time, in steps, as I trust God in the NOW and not in the future. As I realize that those Bible verses I know are not things to inspire emotion, but words that I can trust my life and soul on.
It is so tempting to take comfort in the bleakness of life. To give up. To say "This is how evil life is, and I am OK with that." To take comfort in the belief that life will never get better. But I have tried that, and life indeed gets much worse when you give up. No aspirations, no hopes, no dreams, all drowned in a sea of alcohol or drugs, or the pleasant misery of crippling depression.
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Deleted
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Hello
Aug 25, 2009 23:36:12 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2009 23:36:12 GMT -7
Hi Dave,
I'm glad you stopped by--you'd been on my mind.
You are right, that Jesus never leaves us--it is just the lies of the enemy.
In case you hadn't checked, the messages on 1 Peter are being posted now.
God bless, TruthSeeker
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Hello
Sept 19, 2009 11:57:12 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Sept 19, 2009 11:57:12 GMT -7
Well, I have been befriended by a man who runs a local rehab center. He asked me last night to go with him and the people there to a mens function at a church. I went there, and man, what a blessing that was. I was energized, I had hope on a level I hadn't been able to feel (however brief) for a long time by listening to the people preach. It was wonderful.
Then today I look up porn and well you know.
The aftermath is always the same: I have to feel bad. And I do. I feel terrible. All the lusty thoughts that I heeded are now gone. The worse I feel, the more I feel God has forgiven me.
A most wonderful thing occurred to me today: What if Jesus actually forgave me, and wants me to move on? What if He doesn't want me to bury myself alive in guilt? What if there is actually hope for a future for me?
Some things I would like to tell you guys that I have realized over the last few weeks.
1. I am all alone. You may say "No you aren't! You have friends" While that is technically true, the closest relationship a man can be in is with a loving wife. It is something I long for sometimes like someone in the desert longs for water. Someone to love me, and care for me. Someone who understands. Someone to share my life with.
2. All I have is me. Nobody is going to help me but me. Nobody can reach into my mind and make things easier for me. As foolish as this sounds written out, it is something I am having to overcome, with such a warped mind. Nobody is going to become an angel and walk me into the light when I die. All I have is me.
3. I am responsible for myself, and myself alone. I do not have to worry myself sick over my friends' problems, nor should I expect them to do the same for me. This has been the single most wonderful realization that I have come across thus far in my life.
4. I only have so much time to live. Nothing lasts forever. My tormented life in this planet will end one day. I do not have to endure for eternity. (Where did this belief come from? How did it get rooted in my soul??) One day, I am going to die. I have tried to be perfect. I have tried to blame others, to tell myself I am too weak to resist. Deep down, I feel "Dammit, this is not my fault! Look what happened to me when I was young!". When I die, I will be embraced by a loving God, but is He going to want me to believe that then? Or, does He want me to get rid of that thinking NOW, and live a BETTER life for it?
5. Trying to overcome under my own power isn't working. I need Gods help. This is complicated by a sometimes demonic disdain for Him for giving me life. I realize now that it is not ME that is angry with God, but a set of emotions that has been tailored around a disgusting pride that is activated whenever life gets difficult. It is also something I am having to overcome. In the end, it is me who overcomes, it is me who suffers through it. You may care for me, but you cannot help me. All you can do is pray.
6. I have become a weak human being, less than a man. It is shameful for me to explore the dark cavities of my soul. To realize that other people who do not suffer as I do can make quick decisions that may affect them negatively, but others positively, whereas I struggle with it selfishly for days and usually choose the easy way out.
7. I have been going about God wrong. He is not my buddy here to make my every life experience nice. His goal is ultimately good, but getting there from my horrid self as I stand now has been bloody, painful, and something I do not want to endure anymore. However, I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I have to learn. Only I can resist temptation. There is no easy way out.
8. The animal I bonded with at the sanctuary is merely that: An animal. He is incapable of truly caring for me on the level that I care for him. He is incapable of listening to my problems and helping me find solutions for them. He is incapable of making me a sandwich. Much of my longing for his company stems from an unhealthy world I built up around him, where he is the center. I am afraid to give him over to God, because I am afraid that God will not return to me any love for him at all. I do care for him.
9. Life is not always pain, but pain, difficulty, hardship will always be part of life. That's just the way it is. Trying to worm out of mental discomfort through mental 'witchcraft', drugs etc is weakness. I have asked God to help me stop practicing witchcraft in my mind.
10. It is almost impossible for me to read the Bible because I am so afraid over every verse that has to do with punishment and condemnation. I feel it always applies to me. The blanket of fear that is thrown on me is difficult to get out from under. I realize that when I read the Bible I do not believe it was written by a loving God. This reinforces my mistaken belief that I have to be perfect, that I have to live up to a standard, and not doing so will result in my damnation. Does this mean I can go out and do what I want? No. But God isn't waiting for me to screw up with a hammer. Maybe, just maybe He wants me to overcome, and not wallow in condemnation.
11. I struggle with homosexuality, bestiality, furry.. ness? Not because I am incapable of overcoming, but because deep down, I DO NOT WANT TO OVERCOME. It feels GOOD to entertain these things. I struggle with the symptoms, but the disease is pleasurable for now. This is the root of homosexuality. One does not want to overcome it, so one seeks the easier path: "I was born this way". It's amazing what people can tell themselves and believe deep down. No, you just don't want to admit that you can overcome it. Because it secretly entraps so much of your thought life, you literally think it's homosexuality or nothing. Homosexuality or misery. When, all the while, homosexuality is making you the most miserable human being alive. I honestly believe it is one of Satans most disgusting, hideous, pleasant and difficult to escape traps.
I constantly have to fight with the thought that I have gone over the edge, that I have screwed up and cannot go back. That when I die Jesus will say "Dave, sorry, you know that one time you did such and such I just couldn't forgive you for it". It is terrifying to stop believing what you know is untrue and face reality.
The last thing I want to happen is to be happily married and end up being tormented with homosexuality. It even scares me to type it, BUT that fear of confronting it in such a way as to destroy it is a tool of Satan. I have asked God to root out homosexuality from me. However, I have been shown it is oh so much more complicated than a "splinter removal" due to its very nature. It integrates into nearly every aspect of your life. It's hard to realize that, because you are not thinking about it specifically when your mind is making routes that Satan will use later to torment you with it. That's the best way I can explain it.
Like, when the demon(s) responsible for it see you are weak, the rush to you and delve into certain parts of your soul, or mind, or even body, and suddenly you are in a fight for your life and there's no way out.
If I had a button I could press and instantly leave this life and go to Heaven I would have pressed it while I was a kid. There probably isn;t a time when I wouldn't be pressing it. Right now, at times of introspection, life is scarcely worth living.
When I entertain thoughts of a final exit, if I am quiet enough, God will perk something up in my soul, something bright and wonderful. It's my life when I overcome. It's my life if I will trust Him. It's my life that is worth living. In moments of such desperation I have asked God if it is there to torment me, or if it is going to happen at all. I can get really down when I let my mind run unfettered. How much of my mind I have left open to attack when I get down is scary. I have been so vulnerable all of my life, seeing it in light now is almost unbelievable. I have to know God hasn't abandoned me.
I have to resist defaulting to such low, low places of dark comfort. I have to hold myself up and realize that the longer I dwell there the worse off I am.
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Hello
Sept 19, 2009 13:28:34 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Sept 19, 2009 13:28:34 GMT -7
Hi Dave, It's good to see you stopping by, and a joy to see how much growth has taken place in the last few weeks. No, there are many things no one can do FOR you, but it is a privilege to ENCOURAGE you as you and God work on them together. As far as I understand from Scripture, the only thing that God cannot forgive is the choice to reject His Son's gift of salvation. Once we have accepted that gift, Romans 8:1 assures us that "There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus." You might find this message encouraging. Jonathan ErvinAnd of course I will continue to pray. TruthSeeker
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