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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Jun 13, 2023 5:42:58 GMT -7
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jun 13, 2023 13:50:52 GMT -7
I didn't have lustful thoughts much. That's great. That's where it all starts. When I choose to say "No" to that first look or that first thought, there isn't going to be a second, or a third, or a fifth, or an eighth. That's the easiest path for me. Far easier than allowing my fleshly brain and eyes to roam wherever they please with no restraint. And then trying to keep myself from going over the edge of level 10. That's torture. And being that my flesh is so broken, how important it is that we walk in the spirit; not leaving the Lord's side. He cares for us.
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Jun 14, 2023 3:22:11 GMT -7
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Jun 14, 2023 15:03:18 GMT -7
God please help me to trust You today.
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Jun 16, 2023 8:38:10 GMT -7
Nothing exciting at work. Had a good day.
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Jun 16, 2023 22:51:38 GMT -7
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Jun 18, 2023 2:50:05 GMT -7
Some fear/anxiety today but went to a meeting and now ok. God helped me.
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Jun 18, 2023 20:29:27 GMT -7
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Jun 24, 2023 7:59:28 GMT -7
I have been going to 12 meetings daily for 6 days. It's helpful.
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Jun 26, 2023 18:39:33 GMT -7
The goddess that doesn't exist
In my life, I have idolized people, specifically women. I have looked at them as some 'glorious, beautiful creature, oh so pretty, so so great'. I have been lied too. I have made them into an idol. I have thought "Oh these women can help me, she can heal me, she smiles and soothes me, she's nice to me, she can make me happy, she can do what I sexually want"
Porn is not to blame, but my sick heart that wanted to sexualize all women. That is to blame. When I put blame ONLY on porn and neglect my own responsibility, this is believing a lie and also a legal term "lying by omission". I have to admit and accept my issue.
Admit
1. I like sex 2. I like how sex makes me feel 3. I like to look at a women's body.
Now, God created us all sexual creatures, so that is also a reality for me. God, however, gave one women to one man and one man to one women. That is how God put the two together. He didn't intend Adam to have Eve physically, then also allow Adam to freely roam in his mind, to fantasize about other women..
God didn't give men and women to each other, JUST to have sex, IN ORDER TO GET BORED AND MASTURBATE TO OTHERS WHO ARE NOT THEIR SPOUSE, that is perversion, that is upside down, that is what a lie is.
You mentally think/obsess about a women, who is not your spouse. You think "she is not harming me" and "God doesn't care doesn't see what I"m doing"
That is a lie.
God is holy and God wants to see us walk in His ways. His holy ways. Not look at some women, constantly walking around with an erection to use her as my sexual toy. That is what Satan wants. To make us think "women are trash, just sex, just pieces of meat, see how they expose themselves with bikinis, she, really wants you to do it, so indulge"
Do we really wonder WHY? People become sexual perverts, cheating on their spouse, having threesomes, having all other kinds of sexual immorality? Do we really wonder why?
It's inside our hearts. Evil is inside our hearts. Wrong desires as God has already declared what God DOESN'T want. God doesn't want us to be unfaithful, or liars, or lusting after any other people who are not our God-given spouse, that is adultery, sexual immorality.
Satan lies and says "look at her, she makes you horny, she the little goddess (aka sex slave) you have been wishing for, take her"
That is the pervert trash inside the lust
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Jun 28, 2023 0:28:35 GMT -7
Hello, my name is Dominic. I am a s-x and love addict. I had no contact the my qualifier (person of addiction) for over a month now. Things are getting better. I'm attending 12 step meetings everyday, praying to my God. I'm glad I found this sub to serve or share or whatever my purpose will be. This is what I have discovered about me so far. 1. I idolize a women's body 2. I want her (any/all) women to love me I've had this addiction since I was age 5. At this age, I had s-xual experiences with a neighborhood girl then the discovery of hard core p-rn ruined my life. I fantasized about having s-x with my 3rd grade teacher and this was even a private school. So much shame has been in my life. I had my first girlfriend at at 7th grade and she cheated on me with her ex-BF in front of me by holding hands, that was enough to make me think all women are sluts (don't judge me, as you know I am a slut too). I did lots of shameful things that are very sad to mentioned here. Nothing illegal but incest type stuff with family and cousins. Seeing my parents walk around the house naked, finding porn from moving from house to house, running into the adult section into old video stores (90's/80's). I didn't know who I was or what I was becoming. All I knew was from my 5 year old telling me that 'all women know how to give s-x and are willing" so I followed and was devious into this path of life. At church, same thing, I found girls my age who were willing and they were some of faithful church go-ers. My dad would tells me to stay away from bad women who just wanted to play with my body parts. I secreted wanted them too. I was so messed up. High school lost my virginity at 16 while ditching church having s-x with a 15 year old girl (I was not her first but she was my first), under a bridge. This was a 2 1/2 year engagement. I went to join the USMC and she cheated on my . My brother told me so, said she was kissing our neighbor and saw her. I believed my brother because this girl/my fiance gave me or@l s-x on our first date we met and was this kind of person and I was addicted to women like this. Anyway, the military sent me to Japan, where I had s-x with prostitutes. I met my wife, who helped me get clean from cigarettes and alcohol but I was still addicted to porn. While she was pregnant with my 1st born, she found the p-rn, creams and tissues (evidence) by the PC and the type of porn (bl0wjob videos). She wanted to leave me. Like I said, my brain is warped into thinking that women are just good for s-x. Why? Because I'm sick for it. I crave it. What changed? How did I stop watching porn? How did I come to know that I also had issues with "emotional/love affairs?"? (I had three love affairs so far). I knew it, I just knew it inside my deep soul. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew from a child, that I was doing something shameful even when I discovered masturbation and ejacuated before I even had any sperm (age 7?), I had shame. But I didn't know how to stop it, I didn't know how to speak to anyone. I figured if I spoke to my dad, he would beat me or tell me to stop it. I figured that if I spoke to my mom, I would be seduced by her or lie and hide it (even she found the porn under my desk drawers). Part of my sick addiction was fantazing about them because I saw them naked and my mom and dad had s-x at night when I could hear the door locked and in there for a long time. Once time, I opened the door and she jumped off so fast off of dad. I was not stupid. Age 5, remember? Now about my religious upbringing, I was raised as a Christian. I was told that I can go to hell for sinning, and it made me very very afraid. I was told that God sees my heart and my mind (this is why and it explains to me why I felt dirty and shameful after masturbating as a child). God didn't strike me dead, so I figured this is all OK and just say "sorry" for later. I did. I did say sorry so many times. Everytime, I heard a message of accepting the good news and Jesus, I raised my hand, I would pray the sinners' prayers (I still do this today too, so you know where I am currently). I have a lot of guilt and shame, but part of me is a skeptic that doesn't believe in others, because I think "if I'm like this, aren't they all just like me?" This is judging but in recovery I know it's true but the judging is not one of "haha, I'm better, but Oh crap, we are all broken" and this revelation with the revelation of a God of love who loves me, and still does is the help I am getting to make it through day by day. I don't care what you believe in and I don't care if your something else. Recovery has taught me to forgive myself, accept God's love, and try to do it better. I know this is the right path for me. I just know it.
I don't care no more about juding prostitutes as "whores" because I'm a bigger whore, so it's hypocritical and also not productive. Do I think prostitutes are whores? Yes, of course, but the meaning I apply to the word "whore" for me, not for you, but for me is not one of a negative one but a reality of "this world of mine is filled with sexual junk" that I can't escape. If I"m being honest, I have been addicted like this for years, and it's sad how a women doesn't know or perhaps they do know. Perhaps they do care, but can't change their beauty. I don't care. I'm not gonna blame massage parlors, and prosititutes for my falls/relapse. It's my fault, I must take ownership. It was my heart that wanted to be seduced, it was my empty void that I was seeking to be filled by their breasts, their eyelashes, their eyes, and such, It was my idolatry and it was my lack of self-control and I let myself get seduced and intoxicated by her. If she grabbed my privates and I stayed, it's my fault. I don't blame her anymore. She is sick as I am. If I let go my resentments of her (that "it's her fault her a$$ was showing), if I let go of that BS, then I can see, that it was Me, this person in charge, trying to take over the world, his world, a false god, I'm a false god. Anyone who seduced me and wanted me, was also believing a lie, they thought I could save them from their emptyness, much like I was looking to the women, the siren, the prostitute to say me from my emptyness. I hate it. I don't hate them, I don't hate me, I hate it, the hate my sick evil ways.
I'm tired of sugar coating my crap and saying junk like "I"m only human" that is BS, Would hitler say that? I am only a killer of 6 million jews because I"m just a human, just a socialpath? BS. This is why I have chosen the path I choose now. A path of honestly. I"m jacked up. I"m so wrong. I need to look at women as my sisters, fellow human females, NOT whores, NOT prostitutes, even she's a s-x worker, and love them as a pure honest way? But how on earth can I do this? I see them and I just get an erection. Like this. "This women doesn't belong to me, if I cheat on my God, by breaking trust with God, and drink water from this well, this women, who can't offer me true and living water, I'm gonna be deceived and placing a demand on this women, putting her on a pedestal, a burden, she can't carry, and would be foolish to think that she can fill my cup" She can't, so I won't let those lustful ways intoxicate me. She is not a god/or goddess, not matter what my thoughts, tv, movies, tell me. Porn has not taught me anything. My s-x addiction has not taught me anything, except that I'm sick, I"m horny, and I can't seek my orgasms anymore, for it's just empty meaningless pleasure. After multiple ejaculations a day, it's not enough. When does it stop?
When I am ready. When I am done with it. When is that. Everyday. It was yesterday. It's right now. and Hopefully will be the same heart resolve tomorrow. But what if the women comes to me again? What is my plan? Will I pass the test? If I am with my God, If I am connected to my God, If I am trusting in my God, asking for help, I don't need to worry about the "what ifs". That's it. Thank you for letting me share.
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Jun 29, 2023 6:55:26 GMT -7
I had a good meeting today with Kevin and Sandy. I was encouraged by their godly wisdom and counsel. I need to pray for my marriage and be a man of God. I need to let go of shame, and remember my identity in Christ. God help us please.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,742
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jun 29, 2023 10:41:25 GMT -7
There was a lot to take in this morning. It's not uncommon for those struggling in sex addiction to also struggle in their relationships. And it's not as simple as stopping the acting out behavior. That doesn't fix much. Shame not only drives me to act out. It also drives me to avoid conflict, be passive, hide my flaws, always be nice, avoid making my desires and needs known. And shame is very subconscious. I'm not consciously aware of it. But the behaviors point to the root. The behaviors don't lie. Actions speak louder than words or beliefs. "No More Mr. Nice Guy", by Robert Glover, has been the best resource I can find on identifying and dealing with this toxic shame. But this guy is not Christian. He abdicates sharing of fantasy in vivid detail, and he abdicates a proper way to MB. So I really don't agree with all of his ideas. But, he did a great job in helping me to identify my hidden toxic shame and how it was destroying my life. Another pillar that needs to be addressed is on the foundational differences between men and women. "Discovering the Mind of a Woman" by Ken Nair is a good resource. As well as "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray. It's important that we embrace and develop our masculine side. Our wives yearn for us to be strong, confident, ambitious leaders that they want to look up to. Women don't want to look down upon their men, and they despise weakness in them. They want to lean on them; not the other way around. SandyJWE mentioned in this morning that she refuses to be a sex recepticle. It's very important to distinguish that women and men define sex differently and have sex for different reasons. The important questions to ask are... how are shame and a false image of women sabotaging my joy and happiness? Why does the wife pull away sexually? Why do women have sex? And what would cause a wife to not want it with her husband?
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Jun 29, 2023 14:18:53 GMT -7
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Post by Ɖσмιиιc on Jul 2, 2023 21:38:15 GMT -7
There have been spiritual attacks on me. In my dreams too. At work, things are good. I'm keeping my work professional and not personal, which means, that I'm not engaging in any kind of personal asking of questions and flirting. I think God is helping me.
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