Please Pray For Me Today

Hi, Lady How's it going?
Happy Thursday!

"Your reclusiveness isn't unusual, I have seen it in other women with marital issues as well."
Yes, I don't doubt that there are women who find it hard to reach out about their husband's sexual addiction, especially when it hasn't been up until recently that people are finally starting conversations about it.

I was just watching another documentary about porn addiction called Addicted to Porn: Chasing the Cardboard Butterfly (2017) and it mentions that pornography addiction isn't even covered in the current DSM, which is in its 5th Edition. That's pretty crazy, when you consider that over 50% of divorces these past years have cited excessive pornography use as a reason for the dissolution of the marriage.

But my reclusiveness has nothing to do with my husband's PA - I made the choice in 2012 before him and I even met each other.


"Five years without consistent fellowship seems like a long time though. How does your husband feel about this?"
You are right - 5 years is a long time without physically engaging with other people for praise and worship and bible study, etc.

Fortunately, I have had 30 years of fellowship prior to the last 5 years. And the Lord has certainly worked miracles in and for me during the quiet time that I have had without a bunch of other people in my life. I love it and am not willing to give it up. I certainly do not deny how valuable it is to have that fellowship, since I have experienced it my entire life. But I also will not deny how valuable my reclusivity has been to giving me the peace and quiet that has yielded me some of the best and most fruitful years of my entire life.

For me, it just basically boils down to a lifestyle choice that I have made freely an willingly.
If I want my 'old' life back, I can get right back to it with the snap of a finger if I so desired. (I babbled about it to Amy I think in one of my first posts on here to give whoever would be interested an idea of where I am coming from so that my reclusiveness would not be misconstrued as something that needed to be "fixed" or changed.)

I wouldn't ever recommend anyone go through anything like this alone, but it's my decision to remain reclusive and things are getting easier, not harder.  
I am thankful for the strength, courage, and wisdom that I know has only come from His grace, or I would not have made it, I am sure!!
I think that my previous relationships with men have given me soooo many useful experiences that have really helped, also.

Experience is both unquantifiable and invaluable! You learn from everything, right?
Past pains I never knew would ever be of any specific use to me have made me so much stronger so that I want to stay to fight for this marriage!
I praise God for all of those experiences that I have gained through all of my previous relationships, including getting a previous boyfriend into an alcohol addiction program when I was 22 years old. Those particular experiences that I had with him and his addiction taught me a lot. 

My husband knows the ins and outs of my decision to become reclusive, and he's known these things about me since we met of course.
My willingness to pursue a relationship with him was a really big deal at the time.
He states that he "married me without an intent to try to change me and that it doesn't bother him in the least that I am reclusive."
He believes that I "shouldn't be pressured to socialize with people any more than he should be pressured to stay at home and not socialize," and I completely agree. We have a balance and it works out with us just fine, according to both of us.

He has just found God and just started going to church, and I have told him many times that if he felt alone or that if he wanted me to be by his side at church on Sundays that I would be more than willing to do that for and with him, despite not wanting to be around other people.
I offer him this because I know from my my past relationships and past marriage how nice it has been to have my significant other attend church with me every Sunday (requirement for being my bf/husband). He states that I should only come if I want to come and be around people and that it's ok that he goes without me, so we are doing just fine with that right now.
Also, it is important to remember that just because we don't go to church together on Sunday mornings doesn't mean that we don't listen to the word together, listen to worship music together, or pray together.

We have pretty open communication about where our relationship is at, and it's pretty honest (with the exception of his PA struggles.. there have been lots of lies there...) so I think we are fine right now.
If things need to change, we will have a discussion and I will have to be willing to come to a compromise - not a big deal.
This is actually something that I bring into discussion often, about once or twice a month, to make sure that husband is being honest with me that it is still ok with him. Just because I have made the best decision I have ever made in my life doesn't mean that it will always be the best decision for the entire future of my marriage. I actually brought it up just last night and we had a lengthy discussion about it again, and we are still both on the same page as to how we feel about it. 

"It sounds like you've been wounded by people who have told you what to do rather than hearing you out and being there for you as a friend. I do hope you find people who make you feel safe in the near future."
I think in my life, I have been blessed with many non-judgmental and sincerely loving friends.
My parents were definitely judgmental and told me what to do a lot instead of listening and just being there for me, but parent's aren't perfect and they just want to protect their child.... I get it now.
It's unfortunate that I couldn't share with my parents all of the things that my friends know/knew about me for fear of being judged or blamed.
They aren't always judgmental and they don't always blame me for other people's actions, but it has happened often enough in my lifetime that I just choose not to share a lot of things in my life with them. Sad face.

From your posts, it sounds like you have been making some real progress in the forgiveness area- what a blessing!!
Stay strong, Lady! 
Bless you!

I quit smoking a month ago.
I have smoked about a pack a day for 16 years and basically quit cold turkey.
It's been great! And way easier than I thought it would be, Praise God!

But terrible shortness of breath, coughing, wheezing started about a week ago.
(This is common when smokers give up cigarettes- my lungs are trying to recover and function properly now that there isn't all of that poison going into them every day- it should get better soon, from what I have read and heard).

I spent the entire weekend in various stages of panic where tears would actually just start rolling down my face no matter how hard I tried not to cry - I was in such distress because I couldn't breathe. I have never had breathing issues before. It was torture and probably one of the scariest medical problems that I have ever encountered, right up there with my migraines and past seizures. (Been seizure-free for years now - and without medication - Praise God!)

Finally told my husband I would like to go to the ER, which of course we have no way to pay for.

Got treatments while in ER that got me able to breathe again, pulse oximeter averaged around 94 but with treatments we were able to get it back up to 100 - but it rapidly fell as the minutes ticked on without the albuterol breathing treatment.

Got my feelings hurt by h because he made some comment about just telling the doctors that I was sure I wasn't pregnant instead of having to wait for a pregnancy test to get my chest xray and I answered "well, an xray can be very damaging to a fetus, so it's better just to double check and be safe" (I have 2 years of active radiography experience in various hospitals in my hometown) and his response while he sat in the chair across the room was "I'm kidding. Don't you know what a joke is?"
Uh. I wanted to just disappear. I'm in the ER for Christ' sake. I can barely breathe, I have been suffering immensely for days. Give me a break.

To top it all off, after we got home from the ER, I finally was able to breathe and fall asleep and I had a horrible nightmare that H was watching porn in the kitchen. These dreams do not happen frequently, but they have happened often enough  these past years with my h and it always turns out that they are 100% correct. When I woke up, of course H was not in bed with me anymore. I opened the bedroom door and as soon as h heard me walking down the hallway, I saw him shut the laptop real quick.
Uh. I am so sick of this scenario.
I can't wait to move out of this house and leave all of these horrible memories behind. I hate walking down that hallway. Hate it. 

I was honest about it and told him that I had just had a nightmare about him watching porn in the kitchen and I asked him what he was doing on the laptop.
Of course he told me he wasn't watching porn, and of course I said, "Ok." And am trying my best to to even think about it because what's the point.

But when I got back in bed after trying to catch my breath, hitting my inhaler, trying to stay calm and just praying "Jesus, please help me breathe" I laid in bed and just started crying. I am so sick of this but I know that I must continue on.
H got in bed and tried to touch me but his touch made my skin crawl, which is not a pleasant feeling and that made me feel even worse and I cried even more. I'm so sick of feeling guilty. I just prayed for Jesus to please just give me some peace and to help me breathe.

When H fell asleep, I still couldn't sleep so I got up and in between trying to breathe normally and coughing up God knows what from my lungs, I cleaned and did laundry all night in between wheezing and coughing and feeling like I was going to pass out and tried to just get back to a normal state of mind.

H woke up in the morning for his coffee and I was pleasant as I could be. I told him that his plans for the day sounded great.

He seemed irritated at me (after all, I'm not the perfect little bubbly wife that he expects me to be, so naturally, I have a problem and I need to fix it so we can move on and he can go about his day care-free...) got up to me and said "So how long's it going to be before we have a normal conversation?" His inquiry made perfect sense when you think about and I am glad that he asked, but he was aggressive and rude about it.

I told him I didn't fully understand his question. I just spent the entire night cleaning the house, and I was not ignoring him or being rude to him or anything when he came into the kitchen. I was just sitting in a chair at the kitchen island, had a movie on, and was going into bouts of coughing stuff up here and there and trying to keep breathing normal. I answered his questions and told him that his plans for the day sounded great. I know, I'm such a terrible wife.

He answered my request for clarity on his question by saying, "How long before we have a normal conversation? Should I just avoid you for a day? 2 days? The rest of my life?"
He made me feel like I had done something wrong and it was up to ME when IIII was going to decide we were going to be 'normal' again.

Uh. I am so sick of always being the bad guy when I haven't done anything, especially at times when I am in extreme physical pain.
My mind instantly went to the day where I was stuck on some stupid island with him in which we had to get a boat ride back and on that day I developed a terrible terrible migraine and all H cared about was staring at some woman in a slutty bathing suit on the beach for 2 hours, despite me asking him to please help me feel better. He was irritated at me that I wanted his attention when he clearly had better things to look at. Talk about hell on earth. I have forgiven these things, but the memories are still there. I can't help that my human brain functions properly...

Anyways, back to this stupid story-
I told him if he wanted to avoid me the rest of his life then that was fine, that was up to him.
He told me that he was just kidding when he said that.
"Oh. Ok." was the only response I could muster to that comment.

I told him that a day away from him sounded great.

I really need to try to relax and stay calm, make sure and keep my breathing in control so I don't have more bronchospasms and not think about him and this porn crap.

I'm going to be honest here-
This sucks. I'm so sick of this stupid drama.

THANK YOU, JESUS FOR EACH BREATH THAT YOU GIVE ME!
Thank you Jesus for helping to feel at peace even with all of this physical sickness and these various stresses with my H.

Thanks for the well-wishes, Amy!

It took me about a week or so to taper off of the cigarettes, actually, but getting a vape really helped!
It tastes so much better and won't give me cancer, yay!
Before I knew how long h was going to go without work, I bought him a vape, too so hopefully he eventually quits, also.

If anyone on this forum is interested in quitting smoking, I have found an affordable vape that works well (I have tried 2 in the past few years, and this one is the BEST!) and am always here to encourage you or send links to the vaping products, if you want them to help you quit smoking cigarettes.

PRAISE GOD, I can breathe so much better today - it seems each day gets a little better!

H found some work today so that's great, too.

I don't know what to do about his internet access.
I actually have no idea if he is watching P or not now, to be honest.
Just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.
I have been praying for God to please block any nightmares that I have about him watching P if that is not the case anymore.