Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2017 18:58:23 GMT -7
Hi GHP!
It's so sad to see a grown man lie like a little child.
It gets very old VERY quickly and yet, somehow the arguments and his problems are all our fault, right?
It's not about answering a question honestly and being a mature grown up, it's about saying whatever he can say to get what he wants at the time
(Not to get caught, to seem like he cares, to get back together, have sex, etc etc.)
It's not about ACTION, it's about how well he can pretend to care and make himself look good to get back into the house.
It's not about moving forward and treating me the way I deserve, it's about dwelling in the past and finding reasons and excuses as to why his s***y behavior is continuing. (Because it's of course someone else's fault that he acts the way he does!)
It's not about dealing with the REAL issues that I CLEARLY and PRECISELY point out to him, it's about starting a fight, blaming me, then storming off so he doesn't have to actually do anything.
It's not about having a husband who shows me that he loves and respects me, it's about him sitting around and thinking of how great he is for talking such a big game about how great he is going to treat me.
"For years and years everytime H would say he was sober.. i completely believed him and put all my trust back in him and we were the happy little family again until he burst the bubble again! "
Ugh. I feel your pain on that one, it was the exact same way with us, too!
I would believe him and encourage him, only to have the Lord show me exactly what he was doing. Every. Time.
God would make sure he got caught, and I didn't even have to try. I would pray and tell God that I needed His help in seeing the truth because my husband was making me feel like I was crazy with all of his lies. For years, God was faithful in putting the truth right up in front of my face - constantly.
I wondered how my H could be so dumb (like a kid with crumbs on his face swearing up and down that he didn't eat the cookie), but realized that it was all mostly the Lord stepping in to show me what kind of man I really married. Thank You, Jesus for showing me the truth!
A few months ago, my H was even dumb enough to point out something on his phone to me that he was perplexed about and I instantly realized it was because he was on the internet on a data plan- He at first totally denied having any internet access on his phone ("I don't have internet on this phone, I told you! I don't have an internet plan on it!") He then quickly grabbed his phone out of my hands (like, obviously, very desperate to get it back) and I saw him click the little 'erase history' boxes and I realized that he was still being a manipulative little liar.
Since he was finally caught red-handed in yet another lie about internet access on his phone (the most recent of many, MANY lies over the years about his phone internet capabilities and usage) he then proceeded to make up some story about how he had to buy some data for church band practice once because the wifi was out at the church and how he never used it at home.
I confirmed with his phone plan all of the data that he had been using and when, and guess what??? It was NOT on church nights- it was anytime he wanted to while he was here at the house.
What am I doing wasting my time with this child? Ugh. Pathetic.
To this day, he still uses his phone for internet because he knows that I have qustodio on my other laptop that he uses while he is living with his boss.
But he tries to pretend that has nothing to do with it since he has installed qustodio on his phone. Do I have access to that? Of course not! If I had access to that, then how would he lie and hide what he's doing online?? He wouldn't be able to! ...It's better to just not offer me access but talk about how he has qustodio on his phone so it seems that he is being a good little boy.
And I am suppose to believe that he is sober? Don't make me laugh- I'm going to need a little more proof than that, sweetheart!
To this day, he talks a big talk about how much more responsible he is being with his time and how he is staying off of his phone.
Hmmmm.... since I've been hearing his fascinating stories for years now, they don't seem to have that charming sparkle that used to hold my attention anymore...
"Also what you were talking about in arguments. I have figured this out about my husband.. i have to be very specific in what i say to him or he just lies and denies.... let me give you an example."
Oh yes, GHP. Oh, yes. Ohhh girl. You know. .. You know what exactly is up. I'm so sorry your husband put you through that.
I learned from my other relationships that when you are dealing with a liar, it is imperative that you choose your words very carefully and very precisely so that they have no way of turning it around later and denying everything again. Because you can bet that as sure as you're born, that's exactly what they'll do.
Also, ask them totally calmly like there's not even a real reason why you're asking. Just making conversation.
Also, don't react to anything he says in these instances, let him do all the talking. Just listen. Ask more questions here and there nonchalantly as the opportunity comes up. WAIT until that particular conversation is over before calmly addressing the contradictions. Liars thrive on convoluting conversations, denying that they said things, and starting arguments so that they have an excuse to storm out or make you give up crying and raising your voice (God forbid you do THAT, for heaven's sake!) in confusion and frustration so that they don't have to deal with their actions and they can blame communication breakdown on you, not the lies they are telling you.
I, too, have had my husband write things down and sign them.
I have turned my phone recorder on and listened to our whole conversations or arguments over and over again to confirm that I am not living on some other planet and that yes, he did answer and say exactly the things I remember him saying. It's so exhausting.
It makes me feel like if I was going to go through all of this, I should totally go ahead and have some kids right now, too - Kill two birds with one stone kind of thing. And at least I know my children would be faithful to me and care for me for the rest of my life (hopefully) unlike the path my husband keeps choosing for us, which is taking our relationship straight to hell. But kids are totally out of the picture for me now, even if I wanted them, I wouldn't be able to have any with him. Why on earth would I want to now build a family around this messed up relationship?? NO WAY. ..NO. I'd be insane to bring kids into this marriage. One kid in this marriage is enough for me to deal with.
"I totally get what your trying to explain.. its not us and yes we should all be adult enough to not lie and be deceitful to our partners.. its crazy! And its not to much to ask.... "
THANK YOU for getting it! I was starting to wonder if I was just a deluded, diva princess for wanting those basic things...
"No.. us as women ... were not perfect but from all your post it looks like your doing everything you can to save this marriage and it makes me crazy when our H cant see that! And somehow we become the one to blame... They turn us into exactly what they dont want from all the pain and lies and then are mad at us when we dont trust them or we question them or arent waiting to be bubbly and to please their every need when they walk in the door...
They start to wonder.. what our problem is like we just woke up one day and decided to be this way... its so darn frustrating!"
Tell me about it!
I used to be so happy and content. Now, in order to get back to the old me, I have to pray that God keeps my husband out of my thoughts for the day.
Spouses shouldn't have to live that way, that was not God's intention when he designed marriage.
But I chose to marry him, so I have to live with the consequences and I can deal with them like a big girl.
And furthermore, I have to encourage him and tell him what a great job he does on the stupidest, littlest things that an adult man should just do without being asked-
Oh WOW! Honey! You finally cleaned your toilet! Yes, you're right! That looks great! Great job!
Oh HONEY! That's so great!! You did the dishes! Oh WOW! Thank you SO much!! That's so great that you did that, good job!
Oh Honey, you went to work today and made money to pay bills- WOW!!! You're so great!! Thank you so much! Good job!
*eye roll*
I love encouraging people, especially my husband, and I don't care if in my own head I think it's for stupid things - If I see that they clearly need the positive encouragement in order to grow up a little bit and become more stable and dependable as a person or spouse, then fine, it's no skin off my nose.
But it's gotten to the point now where if he does the littlest, stupidest thing, he expects me to fall down groveling like he is the king of the universe and I just don't have it in me anymore. I suppose I would still have TONS of that left in m if he hadn't spent the last 4 years breaking me down.
And, God forbid, I have a day where (because of HIM), I am not kissing his a** the second he walks in the door, then that makes it okay for him to treat me like crap because hey, he can always blame me later for it since I am obviously already having a hard day. So then it's my fault, since I am not being the perfect little wife pet that he expects.
Do you know the favorite thing that my husband likes to say to me before he storms out like a little kid to take his toys and go home?
"I'm sorry you're having a bad day, I'm leaving now to give you your space."
What a cop out.
My husband is not sorry I'm having a bad day. He could care less. Obviously.
He's not leaving to 'give me space' - he's leaving because he's a selfish man that doesn't want to acknowledge what he's doing to make me miserable.
It's all about avoidance and blame-shifting.
So he says his favorite line and then leaves to do whatever he pleases for the rest of the day while he leaves me here to fantasize about what my life would be like with a man who actually loves and respects me. It's not a very smart move on his part, but he continues to choose that path.
This marriage has made me realize that my past relationships weren't nearly as bad as I thought they were.
That's a hard lesson to learn.
"I truly understand your struggle... I pray you have a better more peacful day today... keep your head up! "
THANK YOU, GHP!!! I will and I hope that you do the same!
You have come such a long way and I am so proud of you for staying strong for yourself in your marriage and for taking care of YOU - You deserve it!
I am going to refocus on all of the blessings that God has given me and just focus on ME tonight. Yay.
Thanks for empathizing and for encouraging me.
This forum is such a treasure-trove of knowledge, enlightenment, and truth.
Thank you for being a part of it, GHP!
It's so sad to see a grown man lie like a little child.
It gets very old VERY quickly and yet, somehow the arguments and his problems are all our fault, right?
It's not about answering a question honestly and being a mature grown up, it's about saying whatever he can say to get what he wants at the time
(Not to get caught, to seem like he cares, to get back together, have sex, etc etc.)
It's not about ACTION, it's about how well he can pretend to care and make himself look good to get back into the house.
It's not about moving forward and treating me the way I deserve, it's about dwelling in the past and finding reasons and excuses as to why his s***y behavior is continuing. (Because it's of course someone else's fault that he acts the way he does!)
It's not about dealing with the REAL issues that I CLEARLY and PRECISELY point out to him, it's about starting a fight, blaming me, then storming off so he doesn't have to actually do anything.
It's not about having a husband who shows me that he loves and respects me, it's about him sitting around and thinking of how great he is for talking such a big game about how great he is going to treat me.
"For years and years everytime H would say he was sober.. i completely believed him and put all my trust back in him and we were the happy little family again until he burst the bubble again! "
Ugh. I feel your pain on that one, it was the exact same way with us, too!
I would believe him and encourage him, only to have the Lord show me exactly what he was doing. Every. Time.
God would make sure he got caught, and I didn't even have to try. I would pray and tell God that I needed His help in seeing the truth because my husband was making me feel like I was crazy with all of his lies. For years, God was faithful in putting the truth right up in front of my face - constantly.
I wondered how my H could be so dumb (like a kid with crumbs on his face swearing up and down that he didn't eat the cookie), but realized that it was all mostly the Lord stepping in to show me what kind of man I really married. Thank You, Jesus for showing me the truth!
A few months ago, my H was even dumb enough to point out something on his phone to me that he was perplexed about and I instantly realized it was because he was on the internet on a data plan- He at first totally denied having any internet access on his phone ("I don't have internet on this phone, I told you! I don't have an internet plan on it!") He then quickly grabbed his phone out of my hands (like, obviously, very desperate to get it back) and I saw him click the little 'erase history' boxes and I realized that he was still being a manipulative little liar.
Since he was finally caught red-handed in yet another lie about internet access on his phone (the most recent of many, MANY lies over the years about his phone internet capabilities and usage) he then proceeded to make up some story about how he had to buy some data for church band practice once because the wifi was out at the church and how he never used it at home.
I confirmed with his phone plan all of the data that he had been using and when, and guess what??? It was NOT on church nights- it was anytime he wanted to while he was here at the house.
What am I doing wasting my time with this child? Ugh. Pathetic.
To this day, he still uses his phone for internet because he knows that I have qustodio on my other laptop that he uses while he is living with his boss.
But he tries to pretend that has nothing to do with it since he has installed qustodio on his phone. Do I have access to that? Of course not! If I had access to that, then how would he lie and hide what he's doing online?? He wouldn't be able to! ...It's better to just not offer me access but talk about how he has qustodio on his phone so it seems that he is being a good little boy.
And I am suppose to believe that he is sober? Don't make me laugh- I'm going to need a little more proof than that, sweetheart!
To this day, he talks a big talk about how much more responsible he is being with his time and how he is staying off of his phone.
Hmmmm.... since I've been hearing his fascinating stories for years now, they don't seem to have that charming sparkle that used to hold my attention anymore...
"Also what you were talking about in arguments. I have figured this out about my husband.. i have to be very specific in what i say to him or he just lies and denies.... let me give you an example."
Oh yes, GHP. Oh, yes. Ohhh girl. You know. .. You know what exactly is up. I'm so sorry your husband put you through that.
I learned from my other relationships that when you are dealing with a liar, it is imperative that you choose your words very carefully and very precisely so that they have no way of turning it around later and denying everything again. Because you can bet that as sure as you're born, that's exactly what they'll do.
Also, ask them totally calmly like there's not even a real reason why you're asking. Just making conversation.
Also, don't react to anything he says in these instances, let him do all the talking. Just listen. Ask more questions here and there nonchalantly as the opportunity comes up. WAIT until that particular conversation is over before calmly addressing the contradictions. Liars thrive on convoluting conversations, denying that they said things, and starting arguments so that they have an excuse to storm out or make you give up crying and raising your voice (God forbid you do THAT, for heaven's sake!) in confusion and frustration so that they don't have to deal with their actions and they can blame communication breakdown on you, not the lies they are telling you.
I, too, have had my husband write things down and sign them.
I have turned my phone recorder on and listened to our whole conversations or arguments over and over again to confirm that I am not living on some other planet and that yes, he did answer and say exactly the things I remember him saying. It's so exhausting.
It makes me feel like if I was going to go through all of this, I should totally go ahead and have some kids right now, too - Kill two birds with one stone kind of thing. And at least I know my children would be faithful to me and care for me for the rest of my life (hopefully) unlike the path my husband keeps choosing for us, which is taking our relationship straight to hell. But kids are totally out of the picture for me now, even if I wanted them, I wouldn't be able to have any with him. Why on earth would I want to now build a family around this messed up relationship?? NO WAY. ..NO. I'd be insane to bring kids into this marriage. One kid in this marriage is enough for me to deal with.
"I totally get what your trying to explain.. its not us and yes we should all be adult enough to not lie and be deceitful to our partners.. its crazy! And its not to much to ask.... "
THANK YOU for getting it! I was starting to wonder if I was just a deluded, diva princess for wanting those basic things...
"No.. us as women ... were not perfect but from all your post it looks like your doing everything you can to save this marriage and it makes me crazy when our H cant see that! And somehow we become the one to blame... They turn us into exactly what they dont want from all the pain and lies and then are mad at us when we dont trust them or we question them or arent waiting to be bubbly and to please their every need when they walk in the door...
They start to wonder.. what our problem is like we just woke up one day and decided to be this way... its so darn frustrating!"
Tell me about it!
I used to be so happy and content. Now, in order to get back to the old me, I have to pray that God keeps my husband out of my thoughts for the day.
Spouses shouldn't have to live that way, that was not God's intention when he designed marriage.
But I chose to marry him, so I have to live with the consequences and I can deal with them like a big girl.
And furthermore, I have to encourage him and tell him what a great job he does on the stupidest, littlest things that an adult man should just do without being asked-
Oh WOW! Honey! You finally cleaned your toilet! Yes, you're right! That looks great! Great job!
Oh HONEY! That's so great!! You did the dishes! Oh WOW! Thank you SO much!! That's so great that you did that, good job!
Oh Honey, you went to work today and made money to pay bills- WOW!!! You're so great!! Thank you so much! Good job!
*eye roll*
I love encouraging people, especially my husband, and I don't care if in my own head I think it's for stupid things - If I see that they clearly need the positive encouragement in order to grow up a little bit and become more stable and dependable as a person or spouse, then fine, it's no skin off my nose.
But it's gotten to the point now where if he does the littlest, stupidest thing, he expects me to fall down groveling like he is the king of the universe and I just don't have it in me anymore. I suppose I would still have TONS of that left in m if he hadn't spent the last 4 years breaking me down.
And, God forbid, I have a day where (because of HIM), I am not kissing his a** the second he walks in the door, then that makes it okay for him to treat me like crap because hey, he can always blame me later for it since I am obviously already having a hard day. So then it's my fault, since I am not being the perfect little wife pet that he expects.
Do you know the favorite thing that my husband likes to say to me before he storms out like a little kid to take his toys and go home?
"I'm sorry you're having a bad day, I'm leaving now to give you your space."
What a cop out.
My husband is not sorry I'm having a bad day. He could care less. Obviously.
He's not leaving to 'give me space' - he's leaving because he's a selfish man that doesn't want to acknowledge what he's doing to make me miserable.
It's all about avoidance and blame-shifting.
So he says his favorite line and then leaves to do whatever he pleases for the rest of the day while he leaves me here to fantasize about what my life would be like with a man who actually loves and respects me. It's not a very smart move on his part, but he continues to choose that path.
This marriage has made me realize that my past relationships weren't nearly as bad as I thought they were.
That's a hard lesson to learn.
"I truly understand your struggle... I pray you have a better more peacful day today... keep your head up! "
THANK YOU, GHP!!! I will and I hope that you do the same!
You have come such a long way and I am so proud of you for staying strong for yourself in your marriage and for taking care of YOU - You deserve it!
I am going to refocus on all of the blessings that God has given me and just focus on ME tonight. Yay.
Thanks for empathizing and for encouraging me.
This forum is such a treasure-trove of knowledge, enlightenment, and truth.
Thank you for being a part of it, GHP!
) (<---- haha.. See what I did there?)
