Today I cracked

Dear friend, know that staying strong sometimes means being real and being broken. You're not alone in getting feeling so sad that it's hard to enjoy your babies. I have felt the same way, too. Know that it's ok to cry in front of them. I cry often in front of them because there are so many triggers for me but the grace that lies in doing that is in the compassion that they show towards me. Your tears are not forgotten; God holds them all in His hands.

It's also ok to not trust your husband yet. You've been hurt really badly and he has to really make the decision to do EVERYTHING in his power to win you back. It does not sound like he is there yet.

Know that when people are in so deep with their lies and denial they will try to make you out to be the crazy out of control person. Hurt people hurt people and don't even know it. They don't know that they are valued and loved by the Lord so they end up not valuing or showing love to others. That is what my husband did for about two years before he finally confessed and repented. I almost left him and that's when he felt enough pain to decide to take the chance to confess and change. Your husband has to be convicted by God in order to change. I pray that he would be convicted soon.

I also pray that you would know that you are a strong woman in the Lord. Don't give in to the lie that your life is ruined because there is MUCH HOPE for you. You know your salvation is in the Lord so keep crying out to Him. You can change to get to a more normal weight in a healthy time frame, not your mom's time frame. Keep standing up to your family or cut them off for a time- whichever one gives you peace. Be gentle on yourself while you're getting sick and give yourself time to rest. Is there someone who can watch your kids while you rest? Can you turn on a video for them to watch while you rest? That's what I do. Your babies love you so much, I pray you would see God's joy through them.

I pray that He would give you direction as to what to do next in your marriage. This sounds pretty dire at this point but your husband isn't getting it. Do you have friends you can lean on at this time? I know now what I would do if my husband was not repentant.

Praying that you'd get rest my friend. This is such a rough season for you. But, it will not last forever. God is doing a deep work in you through this and you'll come out stronger than you were before. I know this because He's doing a deep work in me, too. You're not alone. *HUGS*

Jay - I feel the same way. I do so well for long stretches and my husband knows and sees this. That's when he pulls out all the stops and hammers me with the same negativity. I read ALOT and whatever I am dealing with I look up, research and read to educate myself about it. From what I have learned and also can apply to my situation is this: I was doing pretty good and happy .....my husband used porn, woman and sex addiction. There where lies upon lies. I was fed gaslight pills .... toxitcy for years upon years. He poisoned me over a slow amount of time. He did that to keep me in a fog. I knew something was missing ....I did not know what was happening. One day I hit road bottom and began seeking answers and truth for myself. I cleared away as much childhood past pain and issues as I could and I felt better but still .... my marriage. I suffered greatly.... then I would have a breakthrough and gain some higher ground. Each year my husband became more distant and bolder with his lies and I too became sicker. Finally I after years I was really down. I got more and more outside help for myself and built a support up. I too became strong and confident in my recovery. My husband sought help with his sex addiction. However nothing changed. He has continued to lie to gaslight me and to push harder. As I read up on these things I discovered that he is intimate anorexia and that deep inside himself although on the outside he says he wants a restored marriage he does nothing towards the restoration as far as on a person level with me. I have just last night learned through my research that with his Intimacy anorexia there is little to no hope for him to want restoration. It's been a living nightmare. i have felt totally controlled by him. It's awful o feel like I am in a concentration camp. I feel myself floating away from God. I understand this all has to do with spirituality. If I am spiritually fit I fare well through the storm. If not I seem to start to drown. I just get so weary of the issues and although both my children are married adults I have grandchildren and our family is so important to us both that is the main and only reason that I stay. Also my work is seasonal most years and I never can predict what my income level maybe from month to month..... although I can easily find another line of work so finances would really not be an issue at the end of the day.
I know I will leave. I cannot pycologically bare this. I know we are suppose to stay committed and I do not believe divorce is an answer ....I find joy outside my home with friends, work, suppprt and in myself and my personal growth .... my marriage is always the saddest most depressing and devastating thing..... my husband knows what he does. It's a controlling issue to keep himself safe with little to no to low levels of intimacy. I quit playing along and I call him out on it. Boy .... he really attacks me verbally and pycologically then! I pay a high price for calling him out on the truth. There is no resolutions ever. I know how you feel. I don't know what I would do with young kids at home. You sound like you are really feeling trapped ..... it makes it hard! Just remember that anger is really fear and hurt ..... I also understand about the ridiculousness of the blame. It can be almost funny at times the lengths and ways of the blame i get from him. My husband works away. When he's gone I am so happy inside and out and when he's home I stay physically ill and traumatized due to the ongoing emotional abuse and from be starved and deprived of love

Goldie... i just wanted to say thanks for putting into words in a way that i just cant seem to do.. your post feels like your talking about my life.
Prayers to all you ladies..
I pray God gives us strength..

Sounds like you are very attached to your family even though they don't have healthy boundaries. Why do they feel the need to contact the pastor at all? That's bizarre and controlling. You're going to need to set up some boundaries to keep them from getting into your business. It's not okay to be doing what they are doing. I would encourage you to watch a few of Patrick Doyle's YouTube videos. All of them have really helped me to break free from unhealthy thoughts, to be able to see who is a safe person, and how to set up healthy boundaries.

I'm no doc but I'm pretty sure you are going through some depression and it's making it hard for you to stand up to them because it takes so much more energy to speak up. Do you have a sister in Christ who can speak truth into your life right now? Someone who you can call at any time of the day for help and who will be a sounding board? If you don't already have one I will pray that the Lord would provide you with someone who can be a friend or a mentor. God did that for me and my husband very quickly a week before the "you know what's" hit the fan.

I'll pray that God will show you how to take action in your circumstances. Take care of yourself my friend!

My family is very controlling. When we left their church, they blamed my husband and threatened him. I don't know why I fear what they say or think. We are very close. They have always controlled me since I can remember. They hate anyone they can't control. They worship their church as God. They are always worried about what the church people think. They say I make them look bad by not being there. They even tried to lie on my children to stir up drama and try to control me. Also because they know I don't have anyone but them. They say it is the devil or pride when I don't let them control me.

I am so sorry you are dealing with so many issues and no were to turn.. your family adds to it.. i can see were this is very difficult for you..
Im praying for you.. we are here if you need us to listen...
Hugs..