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Post by Deleted on Feb 2, 2017 23:43:14 GMT -7
This summer will mark 20 years of marriage. 11 years ago my world was rocked when I found out the man of my dreams and father of my 3 young children had been involved with 3 different women. He was extremely remorseful and repentant. It was the darkest time of my life. I forgave him and life went on.He continued to struggle with pornography and had various accountability partners and filters on ''tis devices. fast forward to January of this year (almost 11 years later. While going through a credit card statement I never knew we had, I found hotel charges. Once again the rug was pulled out from under me. After days of confessing (falsely) to a one night stand with a women from the first time around he finally told the truth and the truth may have set him free, but it darkened my view of the world and of him. He had been meeting call girls from the poem sites and risking EVERYTHING for dirty, filthy, meaningless sex. He is out of the house (advice from our pastor) and I'm completely and utterly numb. I feel no anger, sorrow, rage... nothing. (Well I'm Disgusted. ) I really don't see how one comes back from this. My heart is ice cold and I want to grieve but I can't. I feel like if I don't break through this "emotional constipation I will not be able to figure out the next steps. Do I throw in the towel? Do I let him back in? He is clearly a sex addict and is now in therapy. (As am I ) I never fully healed from the damage he did the first time around. I doubt there is anything left in me to give. HELP
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Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2017 14:05:34 GMT -7
Hi kram. Hugs hon. I am glad you found us.
What you are experiencing...The numbness...Is normal. It's part of the grieving/healing process. When you are ready you will go through the rest of your feelings. I am also glad you are seeing a therapist. That will help.
Your relationship will figure itself out. Just concentrate on yourself and your children right now. You need time to heal and wrap your head around what has happened. Something you need to think about, if you haven't already, is getting tested for STDs. There is a link to a page that talks about STDs in the Resources forum.
Hang on hon. I am praying for you.
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Post by ladystrong on Feb 3, 2017 16:01:11 GMT -7
I am so sorry . I agree with Amy, first step is to stabilize yourself: make sure you're eating, getting lots of fluids, exercising, talking with other women who you trust. It took me about 5 days for my body to get thru the shock of my husband's affair that happened two years ago. Im doing a lot better now, approximately 50 days after the disclosure (he told me right before Christmas) but I lost a lot of weight because nothing tasted good, not even chocolate. It is normal to have that numb feeling. It's also good that your pastor already knows about it. Since you have three children (we do, too) and you're in shock, I would suggest asking a friend do a meal train for your family for a week or two. This helped my family tremendously, so that I could just concentrate on me. Also, try to remember that this is not your fault. This lies on his shoulders and is a result of hidden things in his life that were never resolved. A good book that I read thru was "Every Heart Restored". It was a good start to my healing process. I am praying for you.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2017 16:42:59 GMT -7
Thank you both. I did get tested for a wide range of STDs. A humbling and embarrassing process. Should get results Tuesday.. I know you said this numbness is normal but don't most people freak out and cry or scream? What he did was uncomprehensible. And I don't feel anything. My brain goes through it and I'm like... yup that's REAL bad. And that's it. There obviously was some deceitful money issues too so it was suggested I look into legal separation but I can not even process that now. I also have been listening to one of my favorite groups (Casting Crowns) and I keep feeling led to let myself be "held" by Him. Can't figure out what that looks like. I'd understand that if I was a blubbering mess on the floor, or a violent psycho, but I'm not. I am truly the "walking dead". If this numbness goes away won't it be odd that months down the road I do start freaking out?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2017 16:54:58 GMT -7
Numbness is the deepest sign of trauma. It happens because your brain can't process the feelings yet. It's like a safety mechanism. It happens when your body thinks it needs to survive. When things calm down and you feel "safe" your mind will start to process the emotional upheaval that you are going through.
I will warn you that you are going to beg and plead for that numbness when you start to process the emotions hon. Which is why I am glad you are in therapy and talking to your pastor.
You are in my prayers sweet sister.
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Post by ladystrong on Feb 3, 2017 16:57:21 GMT -7
Everyone's process is different. I was a raging "you know what" when my husband first told me. I called a few of my closest friends and disclosed everything to them. But, a couple of days afterward, I felt like I was having a hard time crying and letting it out. It took music for me to break down and cry. It's an emotional and unpredictable roller coaster. I asked my therapist if it was normal for me to look and act "normal" at the gym: happy, saying hi to everyone, even inviting a non-believer to our church. Yup, it was normal. I thought I was neurotic but she reassured me that it's normal. Sometimes I fell ok and other times I am back to feeling angry and hurt. Anything can trigger the feelings, but for me, it's submitting those feelings and thoughts to Jesus that help me move on quicker than the last time I felt those emotions. It's still a struggle though. Good that you are wanting to be "held" by Him. I just lay on my bed and weep sometimes or curl up in a tight ball and listen to music. Or other times my kids will come and give me a hug. He even uses our kids to give us comfort. I remember asking our pastor if there was a "plan" for me to follow, something that could help me to take action. He just said that there wasn't a real plan, just that I would keep seeking Jesus in the wake of the shock. Glad you got tested for STD's. That is no joke. I pray that it comes back clean for you.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2017 20:56:51 GMT -7
I downloaded the book you recommended. I gobbled up the first 4 chapters. I felt relieved reading how my feelings were normal. Especially the parts about how disgusted I am with men in general. I have read a lot over the years about how men are wired differently and even "good men" struggle with this type of sin. Believe me I get it. I have heard it time and time again. But honestly every time I hear it I get angry. It sounds like a "cop out". Yes, we are all sinners, and sins are equal in God's eyes. But we have power over that sin. And paying for hookers and destroying your family IS A CHOICE. He was not powerless. If I hear this again I might really loose it. This isn't my 1st ride at this rodeo. We are talking about multiple affairs 11 years ago, followed by 10 years of pornography, and ending on years of draining our kids college funds for hookers. Why do I keep hearing this "minimizing" message. Yes it is an addition, yes men struggle differently than women, but come on...
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Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2017 22:27:08 GMT -7
I agree if i hear one more time... "don't you know it normal.. every man looks at porn" OR " i dont think looking at porn is all that bad.. maybe you should get over it" Im gonna scatch their eyes out! And scream!!!!!!! 😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠ðŸ˜
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Post by ladystrong on Feb 3, 2017 23:41:16 GMT -7
I downloaded the book you recommended. I gobbled up the first 4 chapters. I felt relieved reading how my feelings were normal. Especially the parts about how disgusted I am with men in general. I have read a lot over the years about how men are wired differently and even "good men" struggle with this type of sin. Believe me I get it. I have heard it time and time again. But honestly every time I hear it I get angry. It sounds like a "cop out". Yes, we are all sinners, and sins are equal in God's eyes. But we have power over that sin. And paying for hookers and destroying your family IS A CHOICE. He was not powerless. If I hear this again I might really loose it. This isn't my 1st ride at this rodeo. We are talking about multiple affairs 11 years ago, followed by 10 years of pornography, and ending on years of draining our kids college funds for hookers. Why do I keep hearing this "minimizing" message. Yes it is an addition, yes men struggle differently than women, but come on... After Part I, Part II and III will go heavily into the male thought process. It was hard for me to take about a week after my husband's disclosure. Took me a couple of days to pick it up again and keep going. Did your husband ever get to the root problems that made him turn to lust? Part III addresses those reasons, which helped me to see that my husband had a TON of issues BEFORE we got married. He's still processing through it all with me, telling me some memories that made him feel particularly uncomfortable, inadequate, unguided, and vulnerable. You're right, your husband did make a choice to sin. He didn't learn the first time around that this should NEVER happen again on any level. Were his accountability partners reliable? It sounds like the continued addiction to porn kept that door open for him, that he wasn't truly repentant. You also said that you had not healed fully after the first disclosure. What kept that wound open? Were you both seeking counseling at the time, separately and together as a couple? I truly feel for you and your situation.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2017 0:44:37 GMT -7
I think part 2 may need to wait for awhile. After his 1st disclosure I learned of some childhood trauma o his end. I know that this was/is the unresolved core of this addiction. We were in therapy (together) for years but never individual. I never fully healed due to many reasons. I truely forgave him and believe it or not rarely even thought above his past transgressions. But I always knew something wasn't right. I protected myself and the walls got higher as his porn usuage continued. His "accountability partners ( several over the years) either were "snowed" by his lies or not hard on him when he told the truth. I had lost hope that God would restore the marriage so I went the the motions as best I could. After this second incident I learned much more about his trauma and he is now in therapy for it. However his past did not need to dictate his future. It's almost as if that pain he experienced in his childhood he has now deflected onto me. He saw the damage he caused 11 years ago and he not only chose to re-offend he upt the anti by committing any ever more outrageous act. Who does this? What kind of person willingly, purposely, knowingly, causes harm like this to another person???
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Post by ladystrong on Feb 4, 2017 9:44:34 GMT -7
Hurt people, hurt people. Sin doesn't make any sense, that's what I'm learning thru this time of healing for my marriage. I have tried to make sense of my husband's affair by asking question after question after question, but I realize that I'm never going to understand it all. I can only understand so much because I'm human and because God wants me to walk by faith. All I know is that God knew this was going to happen and He allowed it to happen to us. He gave my husband over to his lust and my husband met the "devil incarnate". It seriously scared the crap out of him to be with this woman who was the absolute opposite of love. Anyway, I wrote a quick poem that kind of helped me put the questions to rest for a time:
He was dumb, deaf, blind By God's will and divine plan None can understand
I don't think it was God's perfect plan, but I think He allowed it to happen because my husband was obviously not walking with the Lord like he thought he was. He was very deceived and his eyes weren't opened until right after the act. Then God basically allowed him to be tormented for the next two years during which he did not confess it to me. Unfortunately, I was tormented, too, not knowing the root cause. But during that time, He was doing a deep work in me to let go of the fairy tale marriage and believe that He loved me more than my husband ever could. He also put people in our lives at the right moment who were there to support both of us right before my husband's disclosure.
Right now, you might not see so clearly because it's still very raw. God's plan is unknown, but one thing is for sure: He's doing a deep work in you to clean out the wound, heal it with His soothing balm, and make you stronger. I have to remind myself of this as well. You are not alone.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2017 15:29:24 GMT -7
Hurt people, hurt people. Sin doesn't make any sense, that's what I'm learning thru this time of healing for my marriage. I have tried to make sense of my husband's affair by asking question after question after question, but I realize that I'm never going to understand it all. I can only understand so much because I'm human and because God wants me to walk by faith. All I know is that God knew this was going to happen and He allowed it to happen to us. He gave my husband over to his lust and my husband met the "devil incarnate". It seriously scared the crap out of him to be with this woman who was the absolute opposite of love. Anyway, I wrote a quick poem that kind of helped me put the questions to rest for a time: He was dumb, deaf, blind By God's will and divine plan None can understand I don't think it was God's perfect plan, but I think He allowed it to happen because my husband was obviously not walking with the Lord like he thought he was. He was very deceived and his eyes weren't opened until right after the act. Then God basically allowed him to be tormented for the next two years during which he did not confess it to me. Unfortunately, I was tormented, too, not knowing the root cause. But during that time, He was doing a deep work in me to let go of the fairy tale marriage and believe that He loved me more than my husband ever could. He also put people in our lives at the right moment who were there to support both of us right before my husband's disclosure. Right now, you might not see so clearly because it's still very raw. God's plan is unknown, but one thing is for sure: He's doing a deep work in you to clean out the wound, heal it with His soothing balm, and make you stronger. I have to remind myself of this as well. You are not alone. Lady you are blessing to this community. I thank God for bringing you here.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2017 22:14:21 GMT -7
It's been a little over a week since I first posted. The incite I have read from the ladies out there has been comforting and helpful. Here is an update.... STD tests are clear. My husband and I are still in individual therapy. He is still not living in the house. I registered and will be attending a conference for wives of PA's and SA's in April. (it is put on by New Life and is called Women in the Battle). I am still numb, have not expressed any deep emotions over the last disclosure. AND I AM MORE CONFUSED THAN EVER.
I am now REALLY seeking thoughtful wise advice about where to go from here. Through therapy I have come to realize that I may have emotionally "divorced" him many years ago. It started with lack of trust and turned into lack of love for him. Remember his first set of affairs was 11 years ago, although I forgave him there was not restoration. He continued to make poor choices and although I prayed and prayed that God would soften my heart it only got harder. We became like roommates. This may be why this last revelation has not rocked me. So here is my dilemma....
We are separated right now. I originally felt this was best to give me time to heal, Time to mourn, time to figure out my emotions. But it seems as if this is about as emotional as I am going to get. Now I think that there are only two options. One is to divorce now. Separation seems like prolonging the inevitable. The other is to have him move back in and see if restoration is possible. Can't do that (restoration) if we are separated. The only "hang up" I have (or reason maybe keeping up with the separation) is although he claims to be "sober from his addictions"I really do not see any remorse, repentance, or brokeness in him. But what exactly does that look like? I knew what it looked like 11 years ago (this time it looks nothing like that) Last time I was convinced he was a very broken man, he cried all the time repeating how he knew how much I hurt blah blah blah. And look what that show did... I let him back in the house and he continued his porn and later brought in the prostitute piece.
So here's my questions? what does true repentance look like? Can you have true repentance and feel deeply remorseful for your actions and then do the act again? Can I really even see those things if he is not under the same roof?
Thoughts?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 13, 2017 7:32:34 GMT -7
Kram I am at a loss as to what to tell you to do. I do know that showing remorse and repentance is possible without him being in the home. Also restoration is also possible without him being in the home.
If you are not seeing any changes in him, then what he is probably doing is what we like to call white knuckling...And that will lead to failure and repeating the sin.
True repentance will look like a complete 180 with his relationship with God. You will see it in his actions and deeds. That kind of change is noticeable. He won't get it right or be strong in his relationship with God in the beginning but the change will still be noticeable.
As far as what you should do...Pray hon. Don't move or decide anything without being absolutely sure it's from God.
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Post by ladystrong on Feb 13, 2017 10:34:54 GMT -7
Dear friend, I have been thinking about you. I'm so glad that the testing was cleared, I was really concerned for you. I'm glad you're still here asking for help. I want you to remember that it has not been very long since his disclosure and you are still processing through a lot. With all that happened 11 years ago, the wound was still very open and never healed. I still think what you are feeling or not feeling is normal. I guess the question is, do you want this marriage to be TRULY HEALED? It might be too early to answer that question. It was not really healed the first time around and that's why you are dealing with this now. I have been wrestling with this question again and again with God. I know it in my heart that my marriage can heal and can produce good fruit that glorifies God, but GOD has to do the internal work with me and my husband. And my husband and I need to work TOGETHER to heal. This has to be a joint effort otherwise nothing is going to change, it's just going to be "fluff", empty promises, insanity. I am seeing what true repentance looks like but I am not quick to absolutely believe my husband and give him all of my trust again. This is what it looks like for my husband: -Daily spending time in the Word in the morning/throughout the day -Daily reading material that is biblically focused -Reading through and working on the Couples Workbook with me, listening to me and my concerns/hurts/fears and writing them down -Daily communicating with me by way of text messages, coming home to talk with me and make lunch for me and my kids during lunch/dinner time -Fully paying attention to me when I am talking -Meeting with our pastor weekly to keep accountable for his thoughts and actions (and actually WANTING to meet with him) -Weekly couples counseling with our pastor (committed to doing this without resistance) -Allowing me to go to therapy, no matter the cost -Asking me what specific things he can do for me to win me back -Daily communicating with me after the kids are down -Giving up pot, alcohol, and porn (using Cov Eyes for computers and iPhone) and calling people if he is struggling -Forming friendships with others (I always wanted him to have a good set of friends since we moved) -Basically he is sacrificing EVERYTHING for me because he wants our relationship to be restored by God's conviction (without me abusing him or making unrealistic demands) These are the things I am watching him do daily and I am taking stock of them. But, this ain't no, "Ok, it's been two months now honey and you've shown me your good behavior, you're off the hook" kind of commitment. I need to see this same behavior over months, probably years to know he's totally repentant. The CONVICTION needs to first come from the Lord, though. Without that, he'll just continue in worldly sorrow rather than Godly sorrow. Only Godly sorrow leads one to repentance. How do you know he's repentant? He'll change his behavior over a sustained period of time, for the rest of his life. Here's a video that I watched that Amymine posted in a different thread which touches upon reconciliation and what repentance looks like. I've been watching his videos and have found them to be very enlightening, amusing, and healing: www.youtube.com/watch?v=zMy14T4jpRsI would not make any rash decisions right now. Just keep walking with the Lord, one small step at a time. God will show you if your husband is truly repentant. Praying and grieving with you, my friend.
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