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Post by ladystrong on Feb 13, 2017 20:02:17 GMT -7
I think this one is better for reconciliation: www.youtube.com/watch?v=yrNVTZdipjEI have to say that it took 2 years for my husband to be truly convicted. And in that time, I realize that I should have really looked for consistent actions instead of words to really believe him. It was the same things your husband did: cry tears of "repentance", constantly telling me he'd stop X, Y or Z because he saw that it hurt me, etc. Every 3-6 months something would resurface or something new would come up. It was brutal. I loved him and wanted to see him really come back to the Lord, to change because he knew what God was saying, not just for me. The final straw for me was seeing actual porn on his IG account. I firmly believe God led me there to prod me to get help for us. I was about to leave with the kids that night to stay at a hotel and he realized how he seriously needed help to come out of the dark and into the light. Soon after we met with our pastor and about two weeks later, he confessed about the affair. WORST DAY OF MY LIFE. It's a different situation with your husband though. I'm glad you decided to separate from him. I pray that he'd be truly convicted this time around. In any case, it's still your decision to stay or leave. *HUGS*
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Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2017 8:39:50 GMT -7
i have confronted my husband now for 14 1/2 years. He has yet to repent. He ( after all these years just now is half heartedly addressing it ) He may or may not have stopped using porn...its hard to even distinguish this because his words and actions around me have not changed at all. I really beleive he is only seeing the problem as an addiction ( which it is ) however i do not beleive he is treating it also like betrayal / adultery ( which it also is ) although it's addictive behavior a sickness of his mind spirit and soul ..... it's one of the 7 deadly sins ( lust ) and i beleive needs to be treated as adultery for total healing between us. It is both ... an addiction for him that caused betrayal towards me. He has sinned against God which has had a negative effect on he and I together.. my husband has not shown any different behavior towards me at all or a new way of relating or any of that. I am statying my distance from him -----we are unable to come together as a couple with God together I am not a judgmental person really I am not - I am also a sinner .... I just cannot even wrap my mind around why someone would get married and then purposely want to betray and harm their spouse emotionally again and again knowing that it is traumatic for them. In my veiw that's traumatic abuse. I have tried to be supportive I just do not understand why when two people marry why one does not want to do all they can and know to do to go to God and try something new to help themselves ... he does not want anything different than what he has always done. I cannot force someone to seek God nor cause anyone to desire change.... I have wasted my breath and time and life with this person and they could care less about anything that they have done .... this is betrayal and lies and extremely traumatic for me. I spend day after day just trying to cope and praying and I am anxious and sad instead of living I am surviving like a prisoner to my husband's lust issues with other woman and he makes light of it.... claiming he has had no idea that it hurt me.... although I have told him almost daily for years that it did. Also he feels it's no big deal because he has been an excellent provider of material things he feels that is good enough for me..... there is no coming together on anything he just does not get it.... he blames me and says I am crazy. I now have a large support group outside of this website and have been in SA for wives recovery for many months now.... honestly I no longer want to deal with the lies and horrible disregard of our marriage and I have chosen not to. I will be leaving here very soon I am looking for my own place now. I am being abused emotionally by his betrayal and I am on the verge of insanity ....I refuse to live this depressed horrible way any longer with him. I am a joyful happy person in my core who wants to shine and his behavior is just too much. I try so hard to see good inside him I just know it's there .... however I honestly see dishonesty and just meanness in him instead - I feel emotionally fearful - I have to flee here I am done fighting for my marriage.... my husband maintains that he loves me however I just cannot grasp that a husband who loves their wife would even want to use betrayal to harm them. I read this today and want to pass it on: Repentant people accept their limitations. They realize that the consequences of their sin (including the distrust) will last a long time, perhaps the rest of their lives. They understand that they may never enjoy the same freedom that other people enjoy. For example sex offenders or child molesters, for example, should never be alone with children. Alcoholics must abstain from drinking. Adulterers must put strict limitations on their time with members of the opposite sex. That’s the reality of their situation, and they willingly accept their boundaries. Repentant people are faithful to the daily tasks God has given them. We serve a merciful God who delights in giving second chances. God offers repentant people a restored relationship with Him and a new plan for life. As of this morning none of this has come to pass with my husband 😟
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2017 16:28:30 GMT -7
It has been awhile since I've updated. I took an information "fast" for awhile as the many books, friends, counselors, pod casts, and videos seemed to just muddy the water with their varied opinions. I turned to the only book I knew I could trust and spent those hours in the Bible. One would think after reading the last statement that the next one would be how much better things are. However this is far from the truth We are still separated and unfortunately my numbness wore off and I hit Riock bottom. It's the most horrendous, gut wrenching, life stoping pain that I could have ever imagined. It has even taken in physical characteristics. I feel like every rib is broken and I can't breathe. To compound the pain, my lovely husband has now decided that "his road to healing" requires no co tact with me. He has blocked my. Number and says that "he needs to take care of himself and the only reason I share my pain with him is so that I can inflict pain on him. Does that sound like a repentant, remorseful man who is trying to make amends? I am actually "feeling the way I feel" for the first time in 11 years (when he offended the first time) and his response is to run for the hills and leave me alone bleeding out from the wound he created. He says thins like "here we go again" and "I deserve to be respected and treated kindly" and here is one of my favorites "what are you doing to help me through this". Umm seriously? Before you jump to any conclusions about what I am saying to him please understand that for the first three months I never shed a single tear, never confronted or reminded his of what he did. In 30 years together we have never raised our voices. So this isn't me spouting off ugly hurtful obscenities. This is me for the first time.. ever... grieving over the loss. The loss of my safety and security. I am not being mean in My "outbursts" simple allowing my feeling to flow. He can't handle that. He never could which is why I had such a walk around myself. Which in turn impacted our marriage. So now I show my vulnerability and he slaps me in the face. Do I really "let him off the hook" and deal with this pain alone? Does he not have some responsibility in cleaning up the mess he made? I went to the courthouse to by the papers I need to file but not emotionally ready to fill out 124 pages. Not do I think I'm in the right state of mind to do this right now. I'm so desperate and feel so alone in this pain
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Post by ladystrong on Apr 11, 2017 21:57:15 GMT -7
It has been awhile since I've updated. I took an information "fast" for awhile as the many books, friends, counselors, pod casts, and videos seemed to just muddy the water with their varied opinions. I turned to the only book I knew I could trust and spent those hours in the Bible. One would think after reading the last statement that the next one would be how much better things are. However this is far from the truth We are still separated and unfortunately my numbness wore off and I hit Riock bottom. It's the most horrendous, gut wrenching, life stoping pain that I could have ever imagined. It has even taken in physical characteristics. I feel like every rib is broken and I can't breathe. To compound the pain, my lovely husband has now decided that "his road to healing" requires no co tact with me. He has blocked my. Number and says that "he needs to take care of himself and the only reason I share my pain with him is so that I can inflict pain on him. Does that sound like a repentant, remorseful man who is trying to make amends? I am actually "feeling the way I feel" for the first time in 11 years (when he offended the first time) and his response is to run for the hills and leave me alone bleeding out from the wound he created. He says thins like "here we go again" and "I deserve to be respected and treated kindly" and here is one of my favorites "what are you doing to help me through this". Umm seriously? Before you jump to any conclusions about what I am saying to him please understand that for the first three months I never shed a single tear, never confronted or reminded his of what he did. In 30 years together we have never raised our voices. So this isn't me spouting off ugly hurtful obscenities. This is me for the first time.. ever... grieving over the loss. The loss of my safety and security. I am not being mean in My "outbursts" simple allowing my feeling to flow. He can't handle that. He never could which is why I had such a walk around myself. Which in turn impacted our marriage. So now I show my vulnerability and he slaps me in the face. Do I really "let him off the hook" and deal with this pain alone? Does he not have some responsibility in cleaning up the mess he made? I went to the courthouse to by the papers I need to file but not emotionally ready to fill out 124 pages. Not do I think I'm in the right state of mind to do this right now. I'm so desperate and feel so alone in this pain You're not alone. He has some major issues that he has to deal with on his own with God. No one else can really convict or change him. You're right, he is still unrepentant and that sucks. Your husband absolutely has the responsibility of cleaning up the mess he made. But, it doesn't sound like he has hit rock bottom to really change or to heal alongside with you. Do not base your healing or not on his change in behavior. You will have to walk through this healing process with God alone at this point since he doesn't want to make contact. Place your husband and your marriage at the altar and let the Lord take care of both. Trust that God will take care of it all and keep staying on your path of healing. You cannot change your husband but you can let him go to God, you can forgive him, and you can be healed. I have physical responses to my pain as well, though different from yours. It's good that you are finally grieving the loss. I'm still going through the grieving process and it's been 4 months since the disclosure. I still cry many tears, I still feel anger, I still feel depressed. But I won't stop seeking God and His healing for my life and my marriage. *HUGS*
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2017 1:54:48 GMT -7
My dear sisters, I'm am so sorry for all your pain and for all we wives go through. Kran, my husband has said stupid and mean things like that too. When he moved out and we were talking about when he might possibly come home, he said to me "not for a long long time since you can't stop getting angry with me and you'll just keep kicking me out, which isn't right or Godly." He told me that I'll "face God at the Bema seat and have to answer to Him for how I've treated him." He now says he did those things because he hadn't given up the porn. I believe that. Hugs and prayers to you.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2017 7:39:46 GMT -7
Your not Alone.. we are here.. we know your pain. Us wives live it everyday..
Your post was hard to read.. i can feel all your pain. I feel the way you feel. The pure devistation of the reality that what you have spent your life building can be gone in a blink of an eye. The love and trust we give our husbands and they keep looking somewhere else instead of to us the ones that have been standing by their side believing in them and then they crush us like a bug under their shoe...
You have gotta to worry about yourself now. Your health, well being, mental status, just all of you! We have no control over their choices but we do have control over how much we subject ourselfs to the abuse. The Devil would like nothing more that to destroy you while he is taking your husband down. Dont let him.. you gotta fight for yourself, your peace , your happiness...
He has blocked your number. He is sending you a clear message that he does not care about your needs. With Gods help you can pick yourself up and learn that you can find peace among all the devistation.
I'm so sorry for your pain. Rest in god my friend let him heal your wounds one at a time. You are not Alone!
Hugs, love, prayers...
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2017 10:21:12 GMT -7
Your not Alone.. we are here.. we know your pain. Us wives live it everyday.. Your post was hard to read.. i can feel all your pain. I feel the way you feel. The pure devistation of the reality that what you have spent your life building can be gone in a blink of an eye. The love and trust we give our husbands and they keep looking somewhere else instead of to us the ones that have been standing by their side believing in them and then they crush us like a bug under their shoe... You have gotta to worry about yourself now. Your health, well being, mental status, just all of you! We have no control over their choices but we do have control over how much we subject ourselfs to the abuse. The Devil would like nothing more that to destroy you while he is taking your husband down. Dont let him.. you gotta fight for yourself, your peace , your happiness... He has blocked your number. He is sending you a clear message that he does not care about your needs. With Gods help you can pick yourself up and learn that you can find peace among all the devistation. I'm so sorry for your pain. Rest in god my friend let him heal your wounds one at a time. You are not Alone! Hugs, love, prayers... I couldn't say it any better then GHP. I had to put down my tablet and go pray after reading your post kram. My heart aches for you and I have been where you are. Hang in there sweet sister. Music speaks to our heart and soul in a way no other thing can so I offer this song to you.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2017 12:11:05 GMT -7
To all of my fellow survivors of betrayal... thank you for your words (and songs). It means so much more to hear from women who are not pretending to understand my pain but but from those who have felt it, and are feeling it now. I don't have to find words to explain what I'm feeling because you actually know. I spoke to our pastor who explained to me that he advised him to do this. (not block my number but to cut off communication with me for now). WTH? He said that right now my husband is not where he needs to be and any interaction with me is moving us backwards. He agrees with me (and you all) that he has not hit rock bottom and does not deeply understand the gravity of his sin. This coupled with the childhood trauma he experienced he needs to be removed from me (for my benefit). So analytically I understand, but emotionally I find that a hard thing to except. This entire situation has now turned to what he needs to heal, and screw me. Who benefits from this arrangement? He still gets to see and talk to the kids, live rent free in MY parents house, see his mom (who lives with me) (long story) and not have to be accountable for the damage he created. I suffer alone while he gets to live a "normal " life.
I hear your thoughts... "trust in the Lord, cast your cares upon him, let his healing wash over you ". I have been a believer all my life and have seen God move in many ways. But..... on the practical side I don't understand how He can make me feel better. I so desperately need to hear the words from my husband to comfort and reassure me that a divorce is NOT what he wants. I don't know how God can calm this chaos in me. I know God sees and feels my pain but I want my husband to feel it to. Do you think that it is wise council to "cut off communication "? I feel that is going to bring my walls back up. So very sick and sad....
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2017 12:54:04 GMT -7
I'm sorry to hear that and am actually appalled that a pastor would advise your husband to block your number, especially without discussing that with you first. I really hope i'm misunderstanding something here because im really angry on your behalf. The one thing I do agree with is that your husband has not hit rock bottom yet. I totally understand what you mean about the focus belonging on you and your needs instead of your husband's. I feel like that myself. Yesterday, I told my husband he should ask someone what empathy is because he certainly lacks it now. I understand that SA/PA people have experienced trauma, but they also cause a lot of it for us, their victims because of their choices. We are not acceptable casualties in this war. Sending hugs, prayers, and concern for YOU at this time. God bless you.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2017 15:25:31 GMT -7
Kram, I cannot say whether or not what your pastor advised your husband to do was good council because I do not have the full picture of your relationship. 2 things to keep in mind about this...1. he didn't tell your husband to block your number....2. pastors are human and can give bad advice.
You know your relationship better then anyone else. Sit down and really think about it. Has your being in contact with your husband during this time helped or hurt you more? If you come up with more helps, then talk to your pastor and husband.
Also...What about your children? What if you need to get into contact with the hubby because of an emergency with the kids?
Another question...Is he helping you out financially? If not, that needs to change asap! He needs to support his family.
Hugs and prayers
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Post by ladystrong on Apr 12, 2017 20:17:04 GMT -7
To all of my fellow survivors of betrayal... thank you for your words (and songs). It means so much more to hear from women who are not pretending to understand my pain but but from those who have felt it, and are feeling it now. I don't have to find words to explain what I'm feeling because you actually know. I spoke to our pastor who explained to me that he advised him to do this. (not block my number but to cut off communication with me for now). WTH? He said that right now my husband is not where he needs to be and any interaction with me is moving us backwards. He agrees with me (and you all) that he has not hit rock bottom and does not deeply understand the gravity of his sin. This coupled with the childhood trauma he experienced he needs to be removed from me (for my benefit). So analytically I understand, but emotionally I find that a hard thing to except. This entire situation has now turned to what he needs to heal, and screw me. Who benefits from this arrangement? He still gets to see and talk to the kids, live rent free in MY parents house, see his mom (who lives with me) (long story) and not have to be accountable for the damage he created. I suffer alone while he gets to live a "normal " life. I hear your thoughts... "trust in the Lord, cast your cares upon him, let his healing wash over you ". I have been a believer all my life and have seen God move in many ways. But..... on the practical side I don't understand how He can make me feel better. I so desperately need to hear the words from my husband to comfort and reassure me that a divorce is NOT what he wants. I don't know how God can calm this chaos in me. I know God sees and feels my pain but I want my husband to feel it to. Do you think that it is wise council to "cut off communication "? I feel that is going to bring my walls back up. So very sick and sad.... I hear you with wanting your husband to SAY that divorce is not what he wants because it would be proof that he still loves you, still cares about you, and still has hope for the healing of your marriage. But, if he's not repentant, he may never say those words. Do not base your faith in God or your healing from this on your husband's response because the truth is, he might not change or he might not change at the pace that you want. I can see that you absolutely love your husband despite his sin. But you said you are "desperate" for a positive response from him. It sounds like you are putting too much weight on his response. If you love him, let him go to God. He has got to have a rock bottom experience with the Living God and you're going to have to get out of the way. You can't make your husband hurt like you, that's God's job. Don't look to your husband for comfort or reassurance because he can't give that to you. The only One who can is Jehovah Rapha, Jehovah Jireh. God is breaking you of your dependence on your husband. God is doing that same thing for me, stripping away all of the junk, flushing out all of the lies that I've believed for so long and replacing it with total hope and dependence on HIM. Cling to Him for all of your needs, pour out all of your pain, anger, frustration to Him. He can handle it. I agree that the living arrangement sucks. Since he is getting support, are you getting the support you need to heal? Are others helping to take care of you? Do you have another sister to meet with regularly to talk or have fun with? You need outlets, too. Can you write down all the ways that God has shown up in your life to see and claim that He is faithful? That way whenever you feel doubtful, you can bring out that list and KNOW that He was with you then and He's with you now. I'm going to keep praying for you. You are not alone in your suffering. God is pruning away a lot in you and me so that we would yield good fruit through the pain and so that HIS glory would be revealed to others.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2017 21:58:03 GMT -7
Hey I took a few days from here to watch some recovery DVD's and talk to my counselor and pray plus I have been very busy allowing God to peice myself back together a little at a time. I am sleeping better too and am aware of what I eat, when I eat and how I eat. I have been staying focused on me and what I need to be doing for myself. This helps me deal with things in my marriage better. Also I work and I have really put a lot into my work lately. My husband went to a 3 day intensive treatment program. He had been clean from porn the 2 months prior when he left. He now has 90 days clean from porn. With masterbation he now has 2 weeeks clean from that. He reads his material daily and prays daily and since he works away on a job site ocation plus sleeps and eats there at the job camp calling anyone is almost impossible from his work. He barley manages to get a call into me most times. However I can see and am experiencing the slow changes in him little by little. I think when he comes home from work the two of us are suppose to go back to the same treatment place together for me to go through the partener sessions. And him do his sessions and then we do some together. This would be good. I think he is doing well because when he left he told me he was gonna keep an open mind.....and when he first got to the treatment they diagnosed him with Intimacy anorexia. It's a new discovery......dr's found that when sex / porn addicts got into recovery and stopped using porn their lives and relationships did not get better. So dr's started looking into this and found that these people had issues with intimacy and began treating that instead. Dr's found that when they treated the Intimacy anorexia that the porn / sex addiction would stay in remission and that these people where happier and had better lives and all the relationships especially with the spouse greatly improved quicker, better and long lasting. The spouse is encouraged to do certain things and participate in this process in specific ways that are taught through sessions or dvds ect.....so my husband has done well with this approach. I myself have a recovery program that I am working and I see my own counselor .... it's not about the porn or sex addition. It's about the root of where that comes from. For my husband it's Intimacy anorexia ( IA ) they push thier spouse away fro them causing distance anyway they know how and the spouse becomes living in basically a prison starving for love from the iA . Porn and sex addition are a symptom of the IA. I am glad he got to the root of it and that's what he is being treated for. It's working well. However if he had not gone to treatment with an open mind or willingness this may not have happened. I know it will be difficult for it to still be a hard and bumpy road however now he knows what is wrong and what has caused so much of his behavior and thinking and many other things that where unhealthy such as porn Maybe if things are going no where with your situation look into IA and see if it fits your life with your spouse .... there is help for IA and it works well ( for us it has )
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Post by Deleted on Apr 15, 2017 6:44:34 GMT -7
Hey I took a few days from here to watch some recovery DVD's and talk to my counselor and pray plus I have been very busy allowing God to peice myself back together a little at a time. I am sleeping better too and am aware of what I eat, when I eat and how I eat. I have been staying focused on me and what I need to be doing for myself. This helps me deal with things in my marriage better. Also I work and I have really put a lot into my work lately. My husband went to a 3 day intensive treatment program. He had been clean from porn the 2 months prior when he left. He now has 90 days clean from porn. With masterbation he now has 2 weeeks clean from that. He reads his material daily and prays daily and since he works away on a job site ocation plus sleeps and eats there at the job camp calling anyone is almost impossible from his work. He barley manages to get a call into me most times. However I can see and am experiencing the slow changes in him little by little. I think when he comes home from work the two of us are suppose to go back to the same treatment place together for me to go through the partener sessions. And him do his sessions and then we do some together. This would be good. I think he is doing well because when he left he told me he was gonna keep an open mind.....and when he first got to the treatment they diagnosed him with Intimacy anorexia. It's a new discovery......dr's found that when sex / porn addicts got into recovery and stopped using porn their lives and relationships did not get better. So dr's started looking into this and found that these people had issues with intimacy and began treating that instead. Dr's found that when they treated the Intimacy anorexia that the porn / sex addiction would stay in remission and that these people where happier and had better lives and all the relationships especially with the spouse greatly improved quicker, better and long lasting. The spouse is encouraged to do certain things and participate in this process in specific ways that are taught through sessions or dvds ect.....so my husband has done well with this approach. I myself have a recovery program that I am working and I see my own counselor .... it's not about the porn or sex addition. It's about the root of where that comes from. For my husband it's Intimacy anorexia ( IA ) they push thier spouse away fro them causing distance anyway they know how and the spouse becomes living in basically a prison starving for love from the iA . Porn and sex addition are a symptom of the IA. I am glad he got to the root of it and that's what he is being treated for. It's working well. However if he had not gone to treatment with an open mind or willingness this may not have happened. I know it will be difficult for it to still be a hard and bumpy road however now he knows what is wrong and what has caused so much of his behavior and thinking and many other things that where unhealthy such as porn Maybe if things are going no where with your situation look into IA and see if it fits your life with your spouse .... there is help for IA and it works well ( for us it has ) Goldie I am glad to see you back! I will continue to pray for you and your husband. You both still have a ways to go but it looks like you are both headed in the right direction! Praise God! Hang in there sister.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 15, 2017 11:52:22 GMT -7
My dear sisters, Again thank you for speaking truth and sharing experiences into my life. Everyday is a struggle and all I have is the hope and faith that the Lord does not plan on me remaining like this forever. But the struggle is real. In response to your question about whether conversations are moving us forward or backwards.... This IS a valid point. Here's the deal with that. When my husband's betrayal was discovered 11 years ago my world was rocked. I could no longer trust my instincts about people. I had loved him deeply which in turn brought on a pain unlike anything I had EVER felt. I (we) never got appropriate healing from that and I slowly build up walls. Overtime concrete was poured over those walls as my husband was still deep into pornography, I had lost ALL feelings for him (both good and bad). I never showed emotion to him (EVER). In 10 years I never said "I love you", as I really did not think I did. Then when the latest betrayal was discovered I was disgusted, and irritated but remember I did not think I had any feelings for him so... whatever.... Then through individual counseling I gradually was able to put cracks in the wall. So for the first two months after the latest discovery we WERE able to have conversations that were not ugly. However 2 weeks ago God did his first miracle and much like the walls of Jerico, my wall came crumbling down. Then came a flood of emotions unlike ANYTHING I have ever experienced. I realized I did indeed have feelings for my husband which in turn collapsed me with pain over what he had done. I would try to describe it better but I know most of you know exactly what I mean. (That's why this group has been so helpful to me). However the timing of this emotional collapse could not have come at a worse time. For the fist time in 11 years I wanted my husband to assure me, to comfort me, to help me walk through this pain. But.... of course this opened up the flood gates and he was unable to "handle" these emotions. He became defensive, reactive, and would lash back at me. It became ugly nearly every time we tried to speak. He was then advised to cut of communication with me. Do you understand the irony in this? I finally came to the point of needing to "feel my feelings" and desperately wanted to be able to trust my husband with these feelings and his response is to ignore me. I DO NOT THINK THIS IS OK. Had this been the recommended course of action for the first 2 months I would have been fine with that. But not now It is almost as exactly what I thought would happen (why I put those walls up) come to pass. I feared that if I allowed myself feelings for him, he would again choose his desires over me. It feels like he is re-offending over and over again. It seems like he is taking advantage of the fact that I have admitted feelings for him and he is using that against me saying things like "if you need me to comfort you I need to be allowed back in MY house. Otherwise your going to need to figure this out on your own". SUCKS !!!! To answer the other questions... Yes he still has contact with the children (16,18,23) and yes he is still contributing to the household. I just wish he wold start contributing to the restoration.
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Post by ladystrong on Apr 15, 2017 12:56:00 GMT -7
Yeah, that does suck. I have to say though, that when I start pouring out my emotions- the ugly and the sad, my husband either puts up the "time out" sign and brings me back to reality, or says he can't handle the punches and has to walk away. He already knows I just need to work it out with God and he can't help me. My husband has not gone through the kind of childhood trauma you mentioned in previous comments though, so I think he's more able to work with me through it and has more tools to work with. Your husband, on the other hand, sounds like he's been through something major that was never resolved so he might need that additional alone time with God and exclusively with brothers to build up his ability to handle tough situations. He can't handle your emotions because he hasn't seen them in 11 years. That's a major flood that he doesn't have the ability to contain. I don't know for sure but that's what it sounds like.
Look at what is happening now though: you're both getting the help you finally need. It sounds like you have some support, at least from your therapist and pastor, maybe from family. Before, you were stuck in a marriage where no one except you and your husband knew about the porn and made like everything was "fine" when it was actually killing you both. Eventually it manifested itself into hiring prostitutes instead of being stopped. He's finally facing his fears and has heard and seen that you actually do have feelings for him and want to work on this. I'm not just saying this for your benefit, but also to remind ME of how far my husband and I have gotten. We finally have a small group of friends we can trust to pray for us, my husband finally found men to keep him accountable, our pastor is someone my husband feels comfortable around (he was hurt by the church years before he met me), I finally know why my spirit was so down for two years and I can be healed.
Maybe you were specially chosen to take on this task. That's what I'd like to believe for myself and my husband. I don't know if your pastor was right or wrong in saying that communication should be cut off. If you still feel like it's not right, keep discussing it with him. Since you can't talk with your husband, maybe you can write things down just to get it out. I know for my husband and I, we didn't have good communication skills. We got along really well, but when there was conflict, we didn't know how to work through it. We're getting better at it though, so long as I don't dwell on the past and flip out. I hope your husband is working through everything on his side, even if you're not able to speak with him. He shouldn't be demanding to come back home though. He should be doing everything he can to win you back. Unfortunately, not all guys "get it" until they have talked with someone who has gone through the same situation or have taken the initiative to read a book about it.
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