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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2017 14:11:36 GMT -7
Hey Amy, Kelly... i saw your posts.. i just wrote you a message back but right at the end i accidentally hit the back button and it deleted.... ugh! I will write you guys later... 😄
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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2017 17:11:31 GMT -7
Ok.. lady's what i was saying before i deleted it!!! .. was ... i know i need to just rest in god..i am trying.. i promise! I have tried to be patient with my husband and just let him figure it out but he falls deeper and deeper into it.
Like for instance i went a year without him being s*xual with me and i really didn't question him much.. i suspect porn but were in such close quarters in this rig.. i thought certainly not... so i just kept praying and praying.. i do pray more now but i just believe he might be having man troubles and didn't want to embarrass him... and then i find everything out and find out its been happening all along!
I know i should just let it go.. but i am still want to somehow save my marriage so im fighting with everything I've got... i know its only hurting me worse fighting so hard. He makes effort then he falls.. he told me he would like to think he can stop but he really feels like he never will.... Its hard.. most day's!
I think one of the reasons im so unglued is because.. we spend all of our time together in the rig... were never apart, when he's a little frustrated, or moody, or angry because he is obstaining, or just any emotion.. i can feel it... im constantly apologizing and i did nothing wrong! I just can't deal with the anger when were so stuck together all the time... so we are still working on changing that.. i think that will be a big big help! Because now im the moody one because of the P.
I have a question for the ladies and the gentleman on here?? Will.. whats your input? I hold his hand right before he is going to the back to rest and i pray over him out loud.. always one prayer that has something to do with his issue.. either addiction or, lust of the flesh.. i ask god ti wrap himself around him and be his mind, eyes, heart and hands.. at the close everytime.
And then i say another prayer right after that its usually uplifting.. i thank god for my husband and my marriage at the close everytime..
He seems annoyed by this and seems to do it for me but doesn't have his heart in it. I feel prayer is prayer and will do good even if its not exactly what he wants to hear and usually goes right to you tube after it and views his P....
Sooo do i stop praying together like this with him??? What do you guys think??
Kelly, you are doing so good with this too.. thank you for your encouragement! Us wives sacrifice alot for our families! Keep your head up.. im trying to do the same!
Thanks Amy , Kelly! Love, hugs and prayers
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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2017 18:58:22 GMT -7
Hey, GHP, keep praying. When we pray we are planting seeds, and just like planting a flower seed or a tulip bulb, they don't flower as soon as we plant them. They take nurturing to take root. Your prayers will also take root. I pray the simplest prayer over and over all day long. I just say "thy will be done, Lord", thy will be done". I say other prayers too, but when the road is too long and I cannot find the words, I just say this over and over. I know that God's will is better than mine. I prayed for the longest time for healing and restoration in my marriage. I do not see that happening, so all I can ask for is God's will to be done and to hold on to the promise that wherever his will takes me, he will go along with me.
My husband will not admit that he has an addiction. He puts more effort into covering his tracks and being deceitful than it would take to work on it. He will die this way until he makes the choice to fight like a man and get on his knees.
It is only natural that you are fighting ... but change up the game a little and fight for you. You are just as worthy of fighting for as he is.
Gotcha covered in prayer, sister!
Gracey
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Post by Deleted on Feb 1, 2017 6:59:32 GMT -7
Hey gracey... i think you are correct.. i am meaning no harm by the praying and atleast it plants a seed... Good way of looking at it...
My H and yours are probably gonna be in the same boat but i guess i gotta wait and see.. as far as me never wanting to quit! I hold out hope but my future is definitely not stable. Nothing is promised to me.
Thank you you for praying for me.. i really need it.
I pray your day is good and peacful. Love you.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 1, 2017 11:47:36 GMT -7
GHP, I think you're amazing and you're doing great, so I hope it hasn't seemed like I'm trying to lecture you or tell you things you already know. A lot of what I write are reminders for myself because I'm so used to problem-solving, I need practice and help with getting out of God's way and letting Him do His thing. I just thank God this is a safe place to talk and vent, and that you all are so supportive. Offering prayers and mental hugs as always.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 1, 2017 20:42:35 GMT -7
Hey kelly.... No!!! .. not at all i don't think your lecturing me... i need to hear things.. sometimes several times.... I used to be so on top of my game and i had such a good memory.. now i feel so confused and jumbled all the time! Nothing in my world makes since...
And i know i talk and vent and post alot but i dont have much going on being on a truck all the time.. so all you guys have been a life saver to me... i too am very thankful we have a place like this to just get it all out!
I really dont mean and disrespect or harm to my husband by venting either... i just need it all out of my head... i need other people who get it.
I wish like anything that none of us even had a need for this kind of support but since we all do unfortunately... i thank god for the help!
Thank you for your support and kindness.. Prayers to you sweet lady!
Love and hugs!!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 2, 2017 9:46:27 GMT -7
Well.. i wish i could say today was a good day but.. today im feeling like their are only shreds of me left to survive! My husband won! His accountability app has been removed from his phone! He hates me because i know eho he is and what he does and knowing what he does slowly kills me every second of every day... Honestly before i found out.. our marriage wasen't half bad.. but now i don't know what its gonna look like anymore or if our marriage will exist!
You guys have all told me he has to wanna fix himself , he has to want to change it. Right now he clearly doesn't want to. Policing him has just made him resent me.. and i haven't done nothing but try and i live with the pain this causes me everyday! I don't know if i will ever feel good enough! Pretty enough! S*xy enough!
I don't honestly know if i have the strength to do this. To trust him blindly since he has failed me so many times.
Everyone said to let go and let god handle it.. well im out of the way now God... please handle it! I am just holding on to the bible and praying for a miracle!
I dont have the strength to keep thinking about it or talking to him about it. I don't know if what i want is even possible anymore.
I'm so confused, in this life.. and i keep clinging to the life i have because that's all i know.. and i was born to be a giver not a taker!
Right now i feel nothing, not one thing. I feel hollow as if someone took a knife a carved out my inside and only left my shell! Because i am just not who i used to be..
Its not ok for life to hurt this much everyday! This has got to be hell because thats all that makes sense!
So i am gonna rest in god and drop to my knees and lay it at his feet! It takes everything out of me to do it but maybe that his will.. for me to let go!
Im so tired.. i dont think i have ever been this tired! My mind hurts and so does my body!
On aore positive silver lining kinda thought! I'm gonna try to take this sour sour lemon life gave me and turn it into something that resembles lemonade! God willing!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 2, 2017 14:09:13 GMT -7
Hugs and love GHP. We all come to that point in our lives over one thing or another. For me its has been several different things. God must really love me to want to keep pulling everything out of me and fill it with His goodness...To remake me into what He sees. It is never fun or easy.
How are things going with you getting off the rig?....Or maybe just take a vacation separate from your husband....He drives while you spend a few days with your grandbaby. I think the time apart would help you come to terms with things and help you get on a more even footing emotionally.
Hang on sweetie. You are worth the effort.
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Post by ladystrong on Feb 3, 2017 17:07:36 GMT -7
GHP, I pray that your husband would repent. I pray that you would heal. I pray that God's will be done. Amen.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2017 20:37:58 GMT -7
I pray for that too. You're amazing!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2017 22:10:04 GMT -7
Hey ladies... Well today was better than the last few days.. I'm using coping skills to keep me from losing my mind if i even suspect he is viewing stuff!
I sing christian music, or i talk to someone on the phone.. i pray of course.. i just do anything to keep my mind from obsessing over what he is doing and viewing! Its helping but it slow going!
Amy... getting off the rig is turning out to be a problem so im not sure thats gonna happen for a while! The vacation idea was a good one i think i will work on that! I could use some girl time with my friends! Thank you for saying im worth it.. i always thought i was.. i may not have a Perfect body but i am good to my husband and i am selfless ( or thats what mist of my friends and family tell me)..
Kelly & Lady .... Thank you both for praying for me..i feel all the prayer is helping me... i get this warm feeling in my chest and god is listening because when i was falling apart two days ago.. right at the moment it happened i got a text from 2 friends with prayers for me.. it was crazy! God knew i needed that!
My life is just so .... so.... heck i dont know.. not the one i thought i was gonna have at 27 years married and 42 years old !!!
Anyways... i am still doing great on my eating and i know i have lost more i just haven't been on a scale yet to know how much! Im still just working on me! I didnt cry today.. wooohooooooo! I can't believe i have tears left!
Thanks everyone... Love you guys!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2017 15:23:37 GMT -7
Good job on your eating habits and using coping skills to counteract the negatives that porn brings into your relationship! This addiction/sin changes everyone not just the addict and it's up to each individual as to how we let it change us. I am happy that you are leaning on our Father and becoming closer to Him.
Take that vacation hon. The future will work itself out.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2017 17:23:46 GMT -7
Thanks Amy.. I hope your feeling well today?? Thanks for being their!
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Post by Will on Feb 9, 2017 2:32:53 GMT -7
Hey guys, sorry again Godshealingpower for very slow response! I would say definitely keep praying! Prayer has been called 'the greatest untapped resource in the world' and it is so true. As I'm sure you know it is astonishing the power it has, because God is right there. Especially if your husband seems irritated by it. Like I was saying before, that 'irritatedness' is often the Holy Spirit affecting your husband and him being annoyed that it is reminding him that what he is doing is wrong. Be careful though, just because someone is annoyed doesn't mean its always the Holy Spirit! Not good just to annoy people. But when it comes to prayer, honestly I don't think it can very often annoy people for the wrong reasons. Maybe only if you go on too long? I feel sorry for your husband because it sounds like he doesn't realise that giving in to it is not inevitable. Does he have any other interests? I have found that hobbies are useful. Where are his guy friends? What are they like? Are they Christians? Has your husband ever thought of coming on this forum? Might be difficult as this is your support place, but maybe one like it? It is super helpful to hear from other men who have a similar problem. It has been great for me listening to Kevin as well as people like Mike Genung, who have been through it. Just to hear that it is POSSIBLE to beat this thing, is a big piece of news. Honestly I kind of feel like Christian Pastors need to step up a bit more as well. Do you and your husband attend a Church, what is the Pastor like? I think he needs to talk to your husband about this, just my two cents. Who are the male role models in your husband's life who can talk to him seriously about what is important? I think they are the ones who may be able to have an affect on him to TRY at least. Well hope that helps. God bless you. Don't forget it's got NOTHING to do with you being 'good enough! Pretty enough! S*xy enough! I promise you, absolutely nothing at all! This is a spiritual battle between light and darkness. It is very very difficult for men to fight but we can win by calling in the Cavalry - Jesus Christ the Lord! "God will do your fighting for you. Rely on Him to be your strength instead of trying to bring strong on your own." Amen!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2017 8:53:49 GMT -7
Hey guys, sorry again Godshealingpower for very slow response! I would say definitely keep praying! Prayer has been called 'the greatest untapped resource in the world' and it is so true. As I'm sure you know it is astonishing the power it has, because God is right there. Especially if your husband seems irritated by it. Like I was saying before, that 'irritatedness' is often the Holy Spirit affecting your husband and him being annoyed that it is reminding him that what he is doing is wrong. Be careful though, just because someone is annoyed doesn't mean its always the Holy Spirit! Not good just to annoy people. But when it comes to prayer, honestly I don't think it can very often annoy people for the wrong reasons. Maybe only if you go on too long? I feel sorry for your husband because it sounds like he doesn't realise that giving in to it is not inevitable. Does he have any other interests? I have found that hobbies are useful. Where are his guy friends? What are they like? Are they Christians? Has your husband ever thought of coming on this forum? Might be difficult as this is your support place, but maybe one like it? It is super helpful to hear from other men who have a similar problem. It has been great for me listening to Kevin as well as people like Mike Genung, who have been through it. Just to hear that it is POSSIBLE to beat this thing, is a big piece of news. Honestly I kind of feel like Christian Pastors need to step up a bit more as well. Do you and your husband attend a Church, what is the Pastor like? I think he needs to talk to your husband about this, just my two cents. Who are the male role models in your husband's life who can talk to him seriously about what is important? I think they are the ones who may be able to have an affect on him to TRY at least. Well hope that helps. God bless you. Don't forget it's got NOTHING to do with you being 'good enough! Pretty enough! S*xy enough! I promise you, absolutely nothing at all! This is a spiritual battle between light and darkness. It is very very difficult for men to fight but we can win by calling in the Cavalry - Jesus Christ the Lord! "God will do your fighting for you. Rely on Him to be your strength instead of trying to bring strong on your own." Amen! Not sure if you all have perused the resources section here but there is a Christ centered men's only forum dealing with sexual sin that Kevin helped start. The original link to it is there but I will link it here in case you are interested. www.katharosministries.com Of course Blazing Grace also offers a Men's phone support group. Here is the link for that. www.blazinggrace.org/mens-support-group-for-sex-addiction/
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