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Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2017 20:53:22 GMT -7
He's watching videos right now as i type this. . .we just had what i thought was a loving conversation about how horrible this feels..wasent 10 min later and he's back at it... now i feel sad and worthless...hopeless.. i hate this... this destroys a wife!i just wish i knew how to help us... how to save my marriage!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 7, 2017 8:00:15 GMT -7
Hugs! I am so sorry hon. You are not worthless! Remember who you are daughter of God! God loves you passionately. Who else would give up His life to be able to have a personal relationship with you for eternity? Do not let these wrong thoughts win hon.
Have you set down boundaries with your husband? One should definitely be a porn blocking software like Covenant Eyes, XXXChurch, or Secure Teen. Be sure to setup the admin password so that your hubby can't guess it. Also group therapy like SA or Celebrate Recovery. And individual counseling for you both.
You can not fix your marriage on your own. It needs to be a team effort. Unfortunately your husband hasn't hit rock bottom yet. It's going to take that in order for him to see that this sin addiction is destroying his life and controlling him. What his rock bottom is...I don't know. It's different for everyone.
Stay close to God hon. Run to Him when you are hurting. Let Him comfort you. Praying for you.
Isaiah 41:10 ESV
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Romans 8:35-39 ESV
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 7, 2017 12:53:42 GMT -7
Thank you for your kind words.. we do have ever accountable on his electronics.. i hold the pass word.. He doesnt want help for his issue.. we already tried that.. I made boundaries but he still looks at stuff but he still looks at stuff and says he always will.. i fear his rock bottom will only be hit.. if we divorce.. and i was trying to stay married but its so hard.. I am trying to stay in hids word and in the light but i feel crazy alot! I feel super stressed out and get obsessed with what he looks at..
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Post by Deleted on Jan 7, 2017 15:16:34 GMT -7
What are the consequences when he breaks those boundaries? Are you enforcing those consequences? Are you in counseling?
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Post by Deleted on Jan 9, 2017 13:19:30 GMT -7
Good idea ther3se! Two big thumbs up from me.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2017 20:20:46 GMT -7
Godshealingpower ... I am telling you that there is something in the air! My husband has pushed every button I have. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Truly, I am sorry! In my opinion, you can do everything short of cutting his fingers off but until he makes the choice to quit viewing, he will find a way. My therapist told me recently that I needed to start being still as I was giving my husband too much data on what I knew and how I knew and instead of that putting him in a position of wanting to quit his habit, it was only making him go deeper underground. I see that now ... the more I talked, the more he hid. If this is the choice that they make, they will find a way.
You are not alone in feeling crazy ... I think I am ready for the Loony Bin. I do fine when I am at work, or cleaning house, mowing the yard, but when I am all alone and it gets dark, the thoughts in my head make me sick to my stomach and overpower me.
I had an especially hard time over the weekend. I have never known for sure how long my husband has had this addiction. The most I ever got out of him was "4 years". Friday we were having a not so pleasant moment and out of nowhere, I discover "10 years". But then, I have read and I have heard that we really should double what they tell us, making that 20 years! I cried like never before. In my head, it feels like God has protected him and helped him hide his secret for all those years while I have been the one that has been praying, serving, gong to church and trying my darnedest to be like Jesus. I spent the entire weekend crying and being so upset with God. God knew ... for all those years, he knew.
You are not crazy ... and when you are in the dark and cannot see the light, just remember, God will always show up with a light for you. Always!
Prayers and Hugs to you
Grace
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Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2017 8:18:32 GMT -7
Hey ladies.. Sorry i have been caught up in the drama and haven't really had the strength to respond....
Amymine712, No, im not in counseling at this point.. we are team truck drivers and it makes it pretty impossible to find the proper kind of therapists that is knowledgeable with partners of porn addiction.. everything i have read has told me i definitely need the right kind of counseling or it will just do more harm..
I am doing the work book Facing Heartbreak.. steps to recovery for parteners of sex addicts by stephanie carnes and mari lee... It is very helpful but also very hard to get threw.. it really makes you think and sometimes i just dont want to think about it anymore....
I do have porn blocker "Ever Accountable" on his phone... That is one of my boundaries... if he wont keep it on his device's then i cant stay married to him because on may 25th 2016 he solicited sex from a woman on craigslist and got caught before he could do his dirt ... i hold the password and am in control of the account ... This addition has been going on for 27 years my whole marriage.. When i realized nothing has changed after 27 years of discovering, crying , him promising to never do it again and me stitching my heart shut and learning to trust and forgive him again... only to find out it has never stopped he has only gotten better at hiding his dirt... i made the mistake of telling him.. to just be completely honest with me or we were gonna have to divorce.. also one of my boundaries... Well he is pretty honest now... he has made it clear he isnt interested in stopping and that if im gonna be in this marriage that i better accept it.. I made another mistake of saying i might could just deal with the videos but not with him trying to cheat with women.. even though now i suspect that he has had additional affairs in the past and has hide them... So now.. he watches hulu, direct tv, and you tube to see his smut... he has stopped the hard core stuff or i would see it on his reports... but it still kills me everytime...
Because i have 27 years of scars from this man... since i was 17 years old . And now in his mew found honesty he is getting bold with it...
Let me paint you ladies a picture.. imagine being in a car and your in the front driving and praying for god to heal his heart of lust and praying to got god that you are still thankful for your marriage even thought it causes you terrible pain and anxiety.. asking god to show him mercy and love so he will repent.. then i pray to help me have peace of mind so i dont obsess over what he is viewing and how i look nothing like these women do and asking god to help restore my peace before i lose my mind... And then imagine your H is in the back seat and their is only a curtain that separates you while he is back their looking at 20 somethings doing sexual things on you tube or all the other sexual crap he looks at on hulu and direct tv.. and that only if he even shuts the curtain because now.. he is bold with his new honesty...
It makes you wanna rip you hair out and scream...
Ther3se, i did get bold yesterday, he said he was going to bed and shut the curtain.. i started praying as usual... i had to go to make a stop so i opened the curtain and he was on his phone instead of sleeping.. he had just laid down not more than 20 min.. so when i asked him why he was on his phone he said he just woke up and grabbed it till he felt sleepy again... I knew that was a lie! So i had this feeling come over me.. it was rage i guess.. next thing i know i snatch his phone out of his hand ... to see what he was doing... he was lying of course but i started shaking all over.. i couldnt say a word and i could tell he was shocked as much as i was... He went straight to sleep after that and he hasent mentioned it to me..
Gracey, its a everyday struggle for me and i try and let god lead my mind and thoughts and i rebuke the devil everytime he gets in my head..
Im starting to just accept the fact that this is never gonna stop.. he loves his addiction more than me.. That we will probably end up divorced even though i dont want that.. i took my vows very seriously and i make a decision everyday to still love him and be kind and loving even though every fiber of my being screams no.. he will just rip your heart out and eat it!
He did mention to me not to long ago that my weight is an issue in our sex life... He didnt try and blame his porn use on it but he said my weight doesn't help the situation.. even though when he is not poisoning his mind and heart with that smut our sex life functions just fine.. and he was doing this when i was 16 and 17 with a perfect body so i doubt he is being truthful in saying what he is.. i just feel it is an excuse to push me further away...
I was sexually abused for 2 years as a teen by a friend of my moms that she trusted.. i have issues with weight and wanting men to find me attractive.. I had a body men begged for. I developed very early and it seemed like i must of had a tattoo on my forehead that said.. "its ok to touch me inappropriately" because it seemed like everychance a man got to do it .. he did! Once i was married and still a pleasant size 125pds.. i had a man try and be very inappropriate with me at work..he got me soaking wet with a hose while i had on a white shirt and bra and then proceeded to rip my shirt open and have his way.. i fought him off but i immediately told my husband and he did nothing... nothing! I thought once i was married i would have a protector and wouldn't be alone in this.. now we were just kids (16 & 18) so maybe i was asking to much of my husband but once i realized i was still alone in this fight. Here come the weight gain...
A few years had gone by and i took most of the weight off but then discoverd my husbands addition and affair with a co worker on our 5th year of marriage and i have been on a endless cycle of my weight going up up up and down a little everytime i get the strength to lose more he slams me with another lie or deception... I have been a very good wife to him. i was a stay at home mom for 18 years at his request.. their to handle his every need and want.. being as pleasing to him as i could in everyway.. never denying him sex even after his affair and suspecting him doing it again.. after all his years of porn abuse.. i have still been by his side loving him and begging him to be faithful to me so maybe i could heal myself.. but no.. instead he just blames me as often as he can!
I cant describe to you all how i feel.. but im starting to get very very angry.. the little poor pathtic begging side of me is starting to die...
Now i can feel the anger... and i dont want to make it worse and be a destroyer of our marriage like he is... i want to fight to save us.. but im beat down and tired and scared! I've lived with my H longer than my own mother.. the world feels like a scary place to me.. Either way i feel like i lose...
Oh! And lets not forget that somehow after all of this.. i still love him... I still love him... i just wanna cry!
HOW CAN THIS BE MY LIFE!!!!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 12, 2017 18:26:56 GMT -7
Oh hon. I just want to give you a long hug and take you out for a cuppa joe so we can visit. You have so much going on and I feel inadequate to address everything. My heart hurts for you.
First you are right that he is using your weight as an excuse so that he doesn't have to take the blame.
And him throwing his porn use in your face! Oh my hon you have a right to go apeshit on him. I would have thrown that phone out the window...And I would get rid of dtv and any other access he has. I am mad and I am not his wife! Use that anger you feel hon to change your life. You may not be able to get your husband to stop viewing porn but you can change how he treats you. He is disrespecting you and that needs to stop. You can also change how you treat yourself. You are not a welcome mat to be trampled on and you need to stop viewing yourself as such. You are the daughter of God! You are a princess in God's eyes. You are loved and you deserve to be treated with love and respect.
I am praying my sweet sister in Christ.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 12, 2017 19:54:14 GMT -7
Oh man! I really feel for you. You are in pain. And your H does not realize it. Some thoughts...
A PA is going to act out no matter how fat or skinny you are. Your H knows that, and he knows that bringing up your weight is simply an attempt to get less attention and blame on him.
And the fact that he's blatantly acting out on Youtube and Hulu? Playboy is more softcore. He shouldn't be on any of that, if he wants to keep his marriage.
However, it's apparent that he's got you a bit wrapped around his finger. Because you love him so much, he figures he can take advantage of the situation by still acting out without the fear of you leaving him.
But I can't imagine him choosing to change his behavior if you choose to do nothing. This man is an addict. He's on drugs. He cannot stop even if he wanted to. And he's made it clear to you that he doesn't want to so you'll just have to live with it.
Many women would not put up with his behavior. They would leave the situation immediately. I'm not suggesting divorce just yet because I hate divorce. I really hate it. But if you don't create shock into his life in the form of separation, he won't change. I know that would hurt, but I don't want you to live the rest of your life in pain. God is good, and He's been known to zap people into sobriety. But for most of us addicts, it's been a long, slow, painful process. And we don't usually consider change until we've hit a big bottom. You've already put up with it for 27 years. And there are many women that have put up with it for just as long or longer. The choice is up to you. If you choose to stick with him, be aware that he won't change. You can't do anything about that. But if you create some trauma, that would be his best chance of considering recovery. It's not guaranteed, but it's your best shot. And if it doesn't work? Then you're still in a better place than you are now. You'd be better off alone without love for the rest of your live, then to live in marriage filled with P. It just hard for me to bear hearing the pain that you're going through. And a big part of me wants to see you relieved of your pain. Read "Love Must Be Tough", by James Dobson.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2017 7:54:19 GMT -7
Amymine712, I read your post yesterday and i burst into tears... I dont know what im supposed to feel or think and when someone understands my pain.. i thank god im not insane... somebody else knows how it feels.. you all have been so helpful.. Thank you for all your kind words and help...
I guess the truth is.. being told for so long im not good enough or pretty enough.. and feeling worthless has got me frozen with fear...
My married life is hurtful to me.. but im also scared of what a single life would be to.. what if its worse? I don't want to die old and alone.. i never saw that for my life... im a good woman and a good wife.. why cant he just love me.. want me... My head never stops, i dont rest , thank to god my emotional eating has stopped, some days i do feel stronger and other just weak and scared and mad as hell... why dont i just walk away!
Im not financially stable either.. i was a stay at home mom for 18 years so i never graduated high school and i never got a career... we are responsible to help people like my mom and his brother and our son... so if i stop being the glue so many people will suffer..
Oh god.. just writing all that down.. makes me sad...
I haven't been crying as much so thats good..i do think im trying to have a nervous breakdown... all of you have been a big help..
Kevineskay, Hi.. your message hit me the hardest because you are a man and your my husbsnds age and i know you must understand him...
Thank you for sharing with me..it has ment alot because i want to understand him.. he never shares his feelings or thoughts about his addiction me... i cant say thank you enough.. its good you continue your fight..
I have been praying for him and i ginally got brave enough yesterday to speak out to him about what god has put in my heart.. He keeps watching motivational videos and things like that so i asked him to share with me whats going on in his mind.. is he unfulfilled in his life.. does he need things to be different.. how can i help him as a wife... He closed up and tried to run from the questions... which he absolutely hates for me to do is question him.. he says i ask to many questions.. i only ask them because im left in the dark! But i pushed threw and told him to please talk to me... I said.. to him that he may never reach the life he wants or the goals he wants or success if he continues defying god by keeping sin and the devil in his life daily.. god wants him to have a beautiful life but he cant keep abusing what god has given him , why would he give him more. That the sin of porn is a road block to any happy life he might have with or with out me. That not only do i care for him as my husband but as a man. I dont want to see satan win in his life, As his wife the porn keeps us separate and we are an amazing team when we are one in gods eyes and nothing can stop us but he keeps us in constant torture with his sin.. I beg to him to make a stand, lets fight this together, lets turn off the cable, no internet, lets get him a different phone , lets erase the porn from his life so he can be free and happy , i told him god wants me yo tell him all of this before its to late and as much as it hurts me i will stand by him every step of the way fighting for him, with him and for us.
His response was, He got mad, said i was just trying to control him, he said he enjoys the porn or what little he gets to see since i have a block on his phone.. he said you cant even call what he gets now porn really! That we made an agreements that this is the way things were gonna be.. for a long while.. him doing his dirt inside the boundaries and if i didnt like it, then we might as well take the block off his phone if i wasn't going to stick to the agreement... he said he understood what i was trying to do and it only makes things worse and doesnt help.. thst i only focus on tne porn but their is more.. i asked like whst .. together as one with god we can beat anything!
He got all mad and when straight to the back and started watching a soft porn movie on hulu.. I pulled the truck over and went back their and asked if i could pray for him and our marriage.. he agreed, we prayed. He said he he loved me and as soon as i started driving again he went right back to looking at the porn.. like nothing happened! I was devistated.. he must have zero human emotion to be that cold!
I was gonna be comming threw the town my mom lives in so i called her and asked her to meet me for dinner.. my mind was blown and i just wanted to cry but im so tired of crying..
She meet me and threw out talks because she knows it all and it causes her great pain to see me hurt this way... we decided i only have 2 choices..
1, To stay married and know that he is going to do this and i will have to keep swallowing it and sharing my husband with his addiction forever. I will have a sorta stable life and i say sorta because i live in fear constantly that he will try and actually cheat or talk to women on chats and such. Thats why i agreed to the boundaries i did was because of fear. My family will stay intact and i wont have to actually deal with him showing up to a family function with some other woman. He says i am the problem. That if i just let him do what he wants inside the boundaries then we will have a good marriage and all will be fine. But thats hard when im being constantly rejected! He says i need to just focus on the positives in our marriage and stop looking at what needs to be fixed.. he says i do all of this to myself by keeping up with what he does...
Or
2, I can leave him... which i also hate divorce, never ever wanted to be divorced and i am having a very hard time looking at my life threw that lens.. seperation would be financially very hard and he would just got sleep with women.. im sure so i fear that.. Im scared im gonna be changing one crappy life for another, yes i would feel free from, the porn, trust issues, lies , deceit, free from feeling not good enough.. maybe! Because then would i ever be goid enought to be with another man.., maybe i could focuse on healing the years of sexual abuse before i was married and then all the emotional and mental abuse i have suffered at the hands of my husband only god knows if i could beat it. But then i would be alone, no one to share my life, my husband was my best friend, i have been with him since high school... oh i have such fear.. i am consumed with it..
See how my crazy mind works, i know im beat down and feel so stupid that i cant decide whats best for my life, And i feel ashamed how pathetic i must sound to all of you...
I have a backbone when it comes to me fighting for anyone i love, but when it come to me and what i need i feel spineless.. Most days i hate me... And i hate to hate anything...
Im a good woman and i am mot horrible looking.. some people say im very pretty and attractive.. Why cant he just want me and love me... I can only imagine my potential if i only had a husnand that invested into me what he does his addiction..
And im rambling.. I feel so destroyed.. i feel so insecure.
But i know all of what you guys tell me is right... and true.. some of you have lived threw worse im sure.. Sometimes i try and tell myself my life isn't that bad and i should just shut up and suck it up..
I feel such torture.. I just want to love him and be loved.. God please help me... please help us!
I thank everyone for their thoughts hugs and prayers.. i know were all strangers but atleast you all understand me and i get some peace by getting all out of my head... even if for brief moment!
THANK YOU!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2017 8:57:00 GMT -7
I am glad you realize you have 2 options and that you reached out to your mom for support. Let me shine a light on some things you have said.
First your husband will not be happy in the boundaries you have agreed to for very long. You see this addiction is progressive. To get the same high you need to go deeper into the addiction by looking at worse stuff and acting out. So your husband will push and keep pushing against those boundaries.
Second I want to ask you a question. How do best friends treat each other? You do not need to answer me just think about it. What I am seeing and hearing isn't what I would consider a best friend relationship.
I know how you feel about being stuck. I have been and am currently in such a situation. I also understand fear. Fear of the future and the unknown. I have to remind myself that God has me and the future covered. He is more equipped then I to handle it. Fear of that sort is just Satan trying to stop you from moving forward and keeping you bowed, broken, depressed, and hopeless.
Sweetie we all need and want love in our lives. People will never be able to fulfill that need in us. They will always fall short. That need can only be fulfilled by our Lord. (Something else I have to keep reminding myself of). You are loved and wanted and needed. You are God's greatest want and need. He wants you. He needs you. He loves you.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2017 10:26:16 GMT -7
You are so right!.. i gotta get my head in a better place! I can do it.. i have survived before.. Thank you Amymine712.. Hugs!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2017 19:48:33 GMT -7
Hey, GHP (godshealingpower) ~ I read your message this afternoon while at work and sincerely, have had you on my mind since. I wish you were right next door so we could sit and talk through this. Oh, I have been where you are and I know the pain and I would do anything I could to take it away from you, if only for a day.
I have not been writing much as of lately mainly because I am in a "fed up" state of mind. I am so fed up with this life that I wanted to go to bed and never get up. Actually, that is what I did last weekend. We had some awful words, well, I had words, he had lies, last Friday night and it pushed me to a state of being that I did not recognize. I got out of my bed last weekend to go to the bathroom and that was it. I did get up Sunday morning and go teach my Sunday School class but came home and went right back to bed.
I am going to share with you some things that I have learned and some things that I know ... You are not crazy! Never feel stupid ... oh, sweetheart, there is nothing stupid about you, me, or any other wife that is faced with this. You are not stupid and you are not crazy! You are a wife that is walking around with a broken heart. And I really have to tell you, sister, that if you feel ashamed because of how pathetic you sound, you need to go back and read some of the messages that I have written! You have nothing to feel shame for. You need to know that you can come here and throw anything out ... we are all here for each other. There may be days where we can laugh and joke, days where we have nothing but tears or anger and there are days where we do not even have it in us to type any words. The good, the bad and the ugly ... we are sisters and we can take it!
You asked the question, "why don't I just walk away?" ... I ask myself that so many times. I finally know the answer. This is ALL I know. I married at 20 I am now 54. This is the only thing I know. I am ready to leave. I have had enough. There are no feelings left in my heart for my husband. He is just a someone that tells lies to me now. My heart is dried up where he is concerned. Maybe, this is all that you know, too. When this is all that we have ever lived it is hard to see what is behind door #2.
The first thing that you need to do is to begin loving you. You are worthy of love. You are not ugly, you are not fat, you are not stupid, and who the hell cares that you did not graduate from high school or have a career ~ The way that you look or the degree that you hang on the wall do not define who you are. Who are a precious daughter to the King! No degree or career required for that title.
If your husband beats you down enough and makes you believe that you are worthless than maybe one day you will be okay with his addiction because you are a few pounds overweight or you are not as pretty as the women he watches and just maybe, you will excuse his behavior and you will take ownership of his addiction because it is your fault for not being perfect. Do not give into that way of thinking. Try so hard to see you as God does. He looks at you and he sees his precious daughter, made in his image.
So much I had to say to you but it is leaving my head ... I do want to tell you that just like you, I struggled with the leaving. I want to leave (and I will leave) but in the beginning I was petrified. Not because I need my husband for anything but because I do not like divorce, I did not want to tear my family apart, oh, this is funny, I hated that I was hurting my husband! And the biggest one ... I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that my husband is so into this addiction that he will let it end like this. I finally realized that this was not MY choice but his choice.
I will not live the remainder of my life coming in second to porn and affairs. This is not the life that God created me for. For now, I have no fear. I know that when the time is right, God is going to line everything up perfect for me and everything will fall into place.
I say this so gently and kindly to you, honey, there is nothing that you can do to make your husband quit this. If he wants to chat with women, he will, if he wants to meet other women, he will, and he will watch all the porn that he wants. He has to want to quit this. He has to have a change of heart and do some really hard work.
Find peace, if only for today, in knowing that when you decide on a course of action that is in line with God's will for your life, nothing in heaven or on earth will be able to stand in your way. God will get you there, safely.
Hugs and Love to you.
Grace
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 13, 2017 20:54:52 GMT -7
You ladies are saying some really good things. I'm glad that you're agreeing that a husband's addiction is not the wife's fault. A PA is not going to stop because his wife got pretty enough or s*xual enough, or nice enough, etc. A wife did not bring this on her H.
And this puts the wives in an extremely painful situation. They just want their marriage back, the one they fought for 20 years, and the PA is simply thinking about getting his next fix.
By the way, Amymine is right. PA is degenerative. If I start acting out with soft P, I will move on to hard P. Then I will need more P and more extreme forms of s*xual acting out to get my fix. It's a big void inside of me always wanting more, and if I don't get it, I get moody and angry, just like a dopehead. Sound familiar?
And it's so crazy that the spouse can do absolutely nothing to change him. He's got to choose recovery for himself. And the wife finds leaving him extremely painful. So instead, both parties in the marriage often feel this sense of entrapment in their marriage.
So my heart really goes out to wives of PAs and SAs. I won't judge them either way whether they choose to stay or leave the PA husband. Both directions can seem like a long and difficult journey. Godshealingpower, Gracey, may God truly direct your paths and provide you wisdom and hope for the future. It does get better than this. This too shall pass. Bless you.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2017 7:57:49 GMT -7
All of ya'll words and thoughts make perfect sense... and it hurts to know their true... I still just cant believe this is happening even though i see it right in front of me...
Kevineskay, your right about the acting out and angry part. He is mad right now because he has not gotten a fix in 2 days without me getting in the way somehow.. even if i didn't try to stop him on purpose.. He still lies constantly even though he knows i know he is doing it.
Today he wont even speak to me...
What in dealing with has got to be some form of abuse... he acts like he has no emotion , no remorse, disrespecting me daily with P is ok but if i do the same and disrespect him by snatching his phone out of his hand after asking 5 times to let me see what he is viewing...while he is steady trying to get out of what he is viewing.. well you see thats not ok.. he gets appalled at how i could be so disrespectful... He's just not used to me being that kind of person because i would never act like that before..
All of this is really caused me huge's amounts of stress and anxiety to the point its effecting me physically and he don't seem to care.. my stomach has been so sick for a while now.. and i burst into tears crying hysterically because its hard to tolerate the pain my body feels and i went to him for comfort.. and i was shock by his behavior.. He threw his hands up and said "not this again" i tried to tell him i was not crying because his behavior but because i dont feel well...
I feel like my husband is just gone.. i dont recognize who he is.. he used to be an amazing loving man that thought the world of me. He loved to do things for me and take care of me. He treated me well and he was kind... and his porn use was going on then... But about 2-3 years ago something changed. He said he decided one day to just stop having "intimate relations with me" so we werent active for almost a year and i still just stood by his side and didn't question things much but kept begging him fir us to seek counseling or for him to talk to me but he wouldn't during this time he has huge angry outburst. I couldn't say hardly anything that might challenge him with out being screamed and cussed at... lots of F bombs which he had never done before and i felt extremely disrespected by but no matter how many times i asked he wouldnt stop.. and still dont if he gets to upset. He would threaten divorce almost every argument and i would be shocked at wear all of this was comming from...
Then he tried to cheat got caught before he could follow threw with it. And then he had to confessed that this P use has been going on all along. Everytime he got caught and said he would stop .. he lied! Even after i forgave him over and over..He said he wanted a divorce and i didnt try to stop him but he came back in like less than 10 min after he walked out and said he was sorry , snd loved me, and wanted me, he didnt want this in his life anymore. We got help, counseling, church groups, accountability partner.. things started to seem better and then one day he slipped and got caught and then he said he wasn't gonna keep doing this that he didnt want help..
I told him that the porn blocker had to stay on his phone because wasent gonna deal with the cheating and the women.He can't be trusted not to cross the affair line! So porn blocker stay on or were done. He's alot nicer to me now. But completely blocked off from me, it seems like were just going threw the motions but their is not that close connection that i need. He is Less angry but gets very upset that he is being monitored by me. And me having to monitor him is hurting me so much because i see everything.. but if i dont do it he will cheat.. i feel! He says i am very different now even thought i try not to be.. but im dying. I can feel me dying inside.. this is all slowly killing me. Some days im happy, some days im numb, some days in mad, some days i can't control the crying... And all of this is happening in a 19 x 8 box! Because we live and work together in a rig. Which we both used to enjoy do much and now i get anxiety the minute i get in the truck because i know he is going to go behind the curtain and view women and MB and deny me! let satan continue to poison his mind against me...
This has been going on our whole marriage in secret and our marriage was good.. he was loving an attentive.. not angry.. why cant it stay like that now?
Maybe to much has changed or maybe it can't be the same because i know the real him now...
Today.. I'm just sad.. he is 2 feet from me and i feel lonely...
I hope everyone else is having a blessed day... i pray that god blesses you all! Thanks for all your support!
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