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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2017 8:36:56 GMT -7
GHP the 3 steps forward and 4 steps back is normal in addiction recovery. It takes time to learn good coping skills and how to turn to them instead of the addiction. It also takes time to learn and gain strength. Keep praying. As long as your husband doesn't give up, he will overcome.
I am hurting. My back is acting up. I have a degenerative bone in my low back that bothers me from time to time. Nothing they can do about it yet...Guess it needs to be much worse before they look at surgery. Chiropractic care doesn't work anymore. The joys of growing old. LOL
I am so glad you joined our community here GHP. You are truly a blessing.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2017 14:05:02 GMT -7
Help me **** just hit the fan and i dont know what to do! My son confronted my husband!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2017 15:55:26 GMT -7
Oh my! GHP let them handle it and stay out of the way.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2017 15:58:50 GMT -7
Your husband needs to be confronted. It usually hits home better when it's another man doing the confronting. So let it happen. Your son may get through to your husband better than you could.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2017 21:27:14 GMT -7
Praying for you, sister! Hope all is well. Maybe this is the answer to all the prayers that you have said. God uses who and what he has to to get through to us when we do not hear him. Maybe your son is who he needs to hear.
Love to you.
Grace
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Post by Will on Jan 30, 2017 8:10:54 GMT -7
Hey guys, thought would just jump on here, maybe to put your husband's side of things a bit (so get ready with the plates!) I know it is his fault, and he needs to take responsiblity for that and do more to get it out of his life, but I do think I can understand some of his reactions. Couple of thoughts reading through your last messages: you said "I kinda feel he us trying to be mad at me for it and for praying for him so boldly right before he gi8es to the back to relax . I just feel its when god wants me to pray for him... even though lately i pray for him pretty much all the time! " That sounds exactly how it feels when someone or something (the Holy Spirit) is having a good effect on us to trigger our conscience not to act out. It sounds like that praying is a wonderful thing and you should keep doing it! He knows that it is a good thing and good for him but the ego side of him is trying to make him feel bad and resentful about it because it wasn't all his idea (but failing, Hallelujah!). Of course if we all only do our own idea we will end up in hell! So it is just the difficulty of the process of dying to self that makes him 'trying to be mad at me...for praying for him so boldly right before he goes to the back to relax'. That sounds just great. God is righteously acting on him because of your prayer and like all of us he is not always happy to accept God's loving help. But deep down he knows it is good and a huge blessing! The second thing was connected to it: ' well made me realize maybe he really does love me and he doesn't want this for his life. Before he just seemed so cold and just like he decided this was his life and P was what he wanted. ' I think I can promise you that NO-ONE wants this for their life. I don't believe anyone (except maybe temporarily very youthful and foolish people - and they soon realise their mistake) decide that porn is what they really want. It is a horrible and controlling addiction, not something that anyone chooses or likes. I think I'm safe in saying that porn does not make anyone happy. A porn addict is a miserable and unhappy person. That's the fact of it. I am truly so sorry that I have only just got back on this site after over a week (because of my own P problems! So this is just my two cents!) and wasn't here to read when you asked whether you should tell him you were proud of him. Honestly I would have told you not to say anything. Think Amy's advice is always good but you know men and women are just different in some things. And if it was me the phone moving would have sent me just flat out crazy! Know that probably sounds super strange to a women but you know I think we are just wired differently. Guess it is that thing about who is in charge. The praying and the rest of it is amazing but when it seems to your husband that you are trying to be the leader over him I doubt that is going to have a good effect for anyone. He needs to be the leader otherwise he is failing at his number 1 responsibility. And to him (I guess it seems), he would have to do something about that before anything else can be fixed or even looked at. From what you said though, it sounds like his statements in the argument are a reaction to the phone incident, etc and of course he really does love you and was happy with the way things had been going but just didn't like the phone thing - 'I said so why cant you jusy continue to obstain from it since you hsve already done it a week... he said good question.. and then said i dont really habe an answer for that.. he said just because i guess... i said so our relationship is not worth it to you... he ssid i wouldnt say that but i really dont know..... ' Sounds to me like he DOES really know and your relationship IS worth it to him. But don't you think you kind of backed him into a corner there? Why have a serious talk to him when you know he's mad at you? If you for any reason did want to stay on the rig with your husband, one argument could possibly be 'I promise I won't touch your phone again and won't bring up to you when I'm proud of you for not watching porn, if you will let me keep praying, do the workbook and just CONSIDER getting a 'dumb' phone that doesn't have internet access' (maybe get some books back there? Old school but good for avoiding porn!) Something like that? I know you might think 'what is all the fuss about the phone?' but honestly the phone thing would be a massive red flag for most men I believe. Just to try to explain, I think it would seem to him that that action indicates you are trying to take authority over him. Whose phone is it and who is in charge of that phone? Don't mean to be blunt but just trying to explain his reaction. You know, Winston Churchill said, 'when you are going through hell, keep going!' But I think the reverse is also true: 'when you are going through Heaven, stop!' Maybe it wasn't Heaven, but it seemed like you were on a good roll there when he had a week clean (and are now again, maybe?). When you as a couple are having victory in Christ Jesus, why change anything or do anything new? Hey Kevin thanks for your post it really struck me. I guess I am in the whiteknuckling category exactly as you describe. Though am not sure how to get out of it. Mind-blowing that the Lord told you He didn't care about your sobriety. Yet it sounds right, it's the underlying things that are the problem and the porn-watching is the symptom. Godshealingpower it sounds like your Husband has similar other issues that are causing the porn problem. Porn addiction is fundamentally self-destructive, it is no surprise that he has good plans and wants to bring them to fruition but the porn addiction and whatever is causing it is holding him back. " HE LOVES HIS P AND MB AND LIFE OF SIN MORE THAN HE LOVES ME" I honestly don't believe that is true. As above I don't think anyone does love or want porn fundamentally, but also it seems to me that his responses indicate that it is not true. He just seems like he's not that great at articulating why he's mad at you, and at that point he doesn't just want to agree with you completely because he doesn't think the argument is all his fault. "Addicts hate themselves. Think about it. If you love yourself, you won't destroy who you are. Addicts destroy themselves with their addiction. One of the steps all addicts have to go through is learning to love themselves." AMEN! Highly recommend this video from Amy about dying to self: blazinggrace.forums.net/thread/3027/little-humor
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2017 9:53:40 GMT -7
Will, thank you! Great post and insightful. I am glad you felt comfortable enough to show me where I got it wrong. I guess I don't understand why men wouldn't want to know our respect for them was growing. Is it demeaning in some way? You are right men and women are wired differently. I do my best to try to understand men but I am not always successful. I am glad we can have these kind of discussions.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2017 14:07:36 GMT -7
Thank you will for your detailed explanation.. it is much appreciated!
I would like to say things are good but their not.. my son and H worked out their issues. That i am thankful for!
But when my H got back. He told me right in front of mt daughter in law that he would always have this issue with P!
So... i guess their are no words left in me....
Thank you ALL for everything you have helped me with...
Love, hugs and prayers..
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2017 16:58:01 GMT -7
GHP, your husband is reacting to the confrontation with your son. He seems to over react and lash out with words of hopelessness and then he dials it back later on. Give him some time to calm down and think.
Take your heart to God. Let Him comfort you sweetie.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2017 20:46:56 GMT -7
GHP ~ You will find your words again, and your heart will beat again. I know this feeling ... been there. You stand up only to get knocked down again. Keep standing, God will hold you up when you feel as though your legs are too weak to hold you. Tell your heart to beat again.
This explainable pain that you feel right now, is just for today ... joy comes in the morning. God knows how loyal and faithful you have been, not only to him, but to your husband as well. He will take care of you.
Your husband does not want to give this up, you cannot make him. You only have power over you.
And I just have to ask, your husband has made so many comments about your weight, and deep down, you blame yourself because of the weight. Is your husband a Robert Redford look alike? If he were on the beach, would all eyes turn to him? When he walks into a restaurant do all the ladies start drooling their food down their chin? I bet not. If he is anything like my husband, he is overweight, losing what gray hair he had, and aged incredibly from all the deceit and lies.
Unless he is perfect he has no right to find fault with you. And one more thing, while I am on a roll, a real man, a man that is made of the good stuff that only God can fill their hearts with, loves his wife through it all. The weight ... Give me a break! We have gained this weight because we carried life ... The precious gift of life was carried in our bellies. A real man would love his wife so much for presenting this gift that he would not even notice the weight or the saggy belly. We carried and delivered babies, we baked cookies and cupcakes for bakes sales (and tasted along the way!), the time we could have spent at the gym working on our bodies, we spent raising our kids, going to ball games, reading them stories, rocking them when they were sick. I would not trade one second of any of that to have a perfect body that could sport a bikini. I am who I am today because of all that I have been through ... Some good, some not so good, but I love me today.
When God looks at you, he sees a beautiful woman. You are just the way he made you. Weight ... if you want to lose weight for you than lose weight. If you are dong it to please him, to heck with it. Nothing you do will please him. Quit trying. He is broken and you cannot put him back together without his help.
A while back, my husband would point out that my hair had gray in it, I shouldn't eat ice cream, I needed to tan, blah-blah-blah. When I had enough, I told him that he was never ever to pick out my flaws again as I was blessed in the fact that most people saw my heart and saw only beauty. Shame on him for noticing gray, and weight gain, and fair skin.
Grab some ice cream , Twizzlers and Gummie Bears and be happy!
I will not quit praying for you - God is faithful and he keeps his promises. You will not go through this storm alone, he is holding the umbrella!
Love you - keep checking in so I know you are okay.
Grace
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2017 20:59:25 GMT -7
I hear your words... i know your right! I know you right!!!!!!!.... i just gotta keep reading them and remembering!! I never used to be this weak! Never!
You are one awesome lady... you have a huge heart .. i can tell! Thank you!
I will keep checking in. I have you in my prayers!
Love ya!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2017 21:12:43 GMT -7
You are NOT weak! Your husband is weak. You are strong and you are brave and courageous. For any wife to have stayed and prayed and believed and held on to their faith is STRONG. A weak person would have gone running for the hills or hid their head in the sand. Heck, there were days that I just wanted to stay in bed (I did do that a time or too). But because we are strong women, we keep getting back up. We hold on to what we know to be true, and that is the word of God.
The weak ones give up and say it can't be done. We have not given up! You are a strong lady! And you are kind and you are good, you just do not feel that right now, but you will again one day.
I was right where you are, it is only by the Grace of God, that I came out standing. I was every emotion under the sun, but when we keep going to God, believing in him, holding on to him, it does get better. It is not in an instant and it is not overnight, but it does get better. You will get better and better, day by day. One day you will wake up and look in the mirror and see yourself through the eyes of God and you will drop to your knees in astonishment at your beauty. Right now, all that you are has been painted by something ugly and evil. God will erase that paint for you ... your wings are broken right now, just like a little bird that fell out of the nest, but God will hold you close until those wings heal and you can fly again!
You are strong and courageous ~ you will fly again!
Love you ... Grace
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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2017 8:39:39 GMT -7
Why can't i get Angry... why can't i fight for myself! I have never felt like all my fight is gone!
I'm so frustrated!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2017 10:17:15 GMT -7
GHP sometimes we have to get out of the way so God can take on the battle. This may be what is happening with you now. We cannot fight the battle for the addict. We try but there comes a time that you realize only God can fight this battle and you need to step to the sidelines and lead the cheering praying section. Take a break from the battle hon and rest in God. Be assured God will continue the fight. Live for God and take care of yourself. Let God deal with your stiff-necked husband.
As Gracey said you are strong but even strong people need some God pampering comfort. Go get some. God is waiting with open arms and lots of love for you.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2017 13:15:55 GMT -7
God will do your fighting for you. Rely on Him to be your strength instead of trying to bring strong on your own. I hear you, though. You must be exhausted because that's certainly how I feel. You're doing great.
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