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Post by Deleted on Sept 30, 2017 22:48:26 GMT -7
Hey lady.... Thanks for giving me props on not cursing at my H... he curses at me Alot and i feel so disrespected i decided to not treat others that way... its VERY hard to keep my tongue with him... but somehow i manage to do it....
I think your spot on with the cutting him loose thought. I do love him and it will be the most devistating thing for me to finally just let that happen but if he really wants to keep up his life of sin then its just not gonna work at some point. I'm so tired of being the one that gives a crap!
I am finally starting to realize that i will be ok without him... it has literally taken me years to come to terms with that.. im still not fully their but i have grown alot as a person in the last 9 months and i sm growing more independent... more confident. I'm trying not to let my brokeness rule my life!
You know how this goes... its a daily struggle to keep our minds focused on the positives and not let the pain consume us... so i keep putting one foot infront of the other... one positive thought in front of the other...
Your awesome lady thanks for the support... Hugs..
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Post by ladystrong on Oct 1, 2017 16:31:05 GMT -7
*HUGS*
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2017 10:43:47 GMT -7
Hey GHP. So this is not me disagreeing with your last post, but I just wanted to say that realizing you don't need H is okay, but through that realization, instead of becoming independent, you should begin to become more and more dependent on GOD. God should define who we are. Instead of having a self-confidence, I believe we should have a GOD-confidence. Confidence in what God has done for us, and how He has made us. Confidence in His mighty power and unquenchable love. So in becoming independent from your H, and just humanity in general, you should grow more and more dependent on God, because as much as we pretend we don't need Him, we really do, and we desperately need Him. I'm assuming you probably already knew all this, but God just put it on my heart to say it, and it is something that I am struggling to learn myself. You're in my prayers GHP!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2017 18:32:14 GMT -7
Hey BG Freinds.... I have really needed to talk with you guys! Its been about a month or so since my H kinda shook me up again! So as you guys know this has been going on for a very very long time. I could finally feel myself just not caring anymore... i was tired of thinking about P, MB, Trust,Counseling, emotions just all of it... i was just tired of seeing the books in my house or the truck.. so one day i got the trash can and went around the whole house , vehicles, truck just everywhere and started chunking anything and everything that reminds me of all of his issue....tossed everything! i filled a 30 gallon trash can! My H noticed what i was doing... i rolled it outside and lite it on fire! I WATCHED IT BURN TO THE GROUND! and walked away! It felt sooooooooooo good!!!
I think it shocked my H... from then i was just different. I have lways held hope that he would change.. that our marriage would change.... i hold hope but i simply just dont care anymore and i have zero interests in fixing it anymore...
So... my husband noticed the new me. Then oddly enough we have a few family members that are having rea issues with their men and came to us for advice. I mean we hae been married almost 30 years... i didnt giv much advice because i felt like this was such a joke asking us for help wgen we cant even get it right. But my H had lots of advice to give on how to handle a cheating disrespectful husband ad boy was i all ears... i was hanging on every word that dripped from his mouth! How he said that sge should never put up with that and how he needs to earn her love... i wanted to leap across the table and shake the crap out of him... I honestly could not believe my ears...
He noticed my disgust.. im sure all the color drained out of my face. 2 days later i could tell something was wrong. He was fidgety and couldnt sleep. I figured he would just go MB to go to sleep byt to my suprise he came to me and said.............
I WANT TO REPAIR MY MARRIAGE AND OUR INTIMATE LIFE. I WANT TO REPROGRAM MY BODY AND MIND. WILL YOU HELP ME DO THAT?
sorry guys ... i gotta drive to be continued!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2017 21:11:37 GMT -7
Oh hugs!!!! That's great! It's a long road ahead, but I liked that he asked for your help. I can relate to wanting to shake my H who has so often said one thing and done another. It's been a while since I checked in here that I have a lot to catch up on. I absolutely loved reading a lot of the healing you've been doing. It's hard to go through what we have, but God is always there for us, wanting us to grow more with him and draw near. Hugs again!!!
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Post by ladystrong on Oct 17, 2017 21:13:01 GMT -7
That's awesome that he's seeing you change and maybe wants to change himself. Hoping he turns around
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Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2017 14:13:51 GMT -7
Thanks ladys... but their is more...
So.. i honestly didnt know what to say to him when he asked. My initial though was to jump out the truck! ... lol!
I sat their quite with my head going 100 miles an hour. I finally looked up and said i have always been here to help you. I have never lost hope. If your serious some things will have to be put in place and boundaries set. He interupted me and said he didnt want to get into that now because he was interested in being intimate with me right then...he said please dont have any expectations because its gonna take his body a little bit and his mind to reprogram itself so he might struggle. I took a deep breath and said ok! So for 3 weeks things seemed good . He was intimate with me alot and he didn't have much trouble. But i started to feel fear again. Does he think im attractive. Do i look fat!!! And yada yada yada!!! I just kept my mouth shut and was giving of myself. Then the 4th week... nothing! Seemed to not be interested at all so i asked if he had looked at any P or photos he said NO.. BUT he got irritated when i asked.. so i dropped it... Now its the 5th week and nothing!
So we had a discussion.. i explained to him how all of this makes my emotions feel and how when he goes from wanting to be intimate multiple times a week to then zero it begins to build insecurities about what is he doing again in his phone. I told him i still have no reason to trust him because he has not put anything in place to secure a boundary for himself so trust can begin to rebuild. He blurted out" i told you to set up the app" i said you absolutely did not.. he said well i was thinking it maybe i didnt say it.
So guys... here is were im at... I dont want to be the one responsible to set the app on his phone. I dont want to deal with all of this anymore. I am starting to feel weird and upset again...im emotionally eating again. I have been threw all of this before many times... i feel like he can turn it off and on like a switch.. how do i keep myself guarded and protected but still helping him and trying to see if this time its for real... ugh!!
I want to trust it but i just dont know..
What do you guys think???
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Post by ladystrong on Oct 18, 2017 16:16:13 GMT -7
Don't let him control your emotions, especially since he's been all over the place in committing to change. All you can change is you. Stick to what you know works for you, like eating well and exercising, and finding what you like to do without your husband. Like I said in Kelly's post, he's got to want to change for his own sake.
You won't be able to sustain being his one accountability partner. He needs other men in the mix who understand what he's going through. Without that component he may continue to view you as his "mommy" who checks in with him all the time. This often leads to resentment and bitterness.
It's good that he's willing to make some changes but only long term commitment and consistent action will win back your trust. If he's truly willing to fight for the marriage he won't continue in making excuses, lying about his porn use or lying about meeting up with other women. He will also be patient with you as you heal, which may very well take years.
I would keep boundaries and consequences for crossing boundaries clear to him. He needs them really badly. You can set up a future meeting to make changes as necessary. Like, if alcohol is an issue, you can set up a time frame of abstinence and then if he's doing well after that time frame, you can change the boundary a little bit to give him more freedom.
Forgiveness and trust are the two things you don't want to just give out freely to him. He has to earn trust and you'll have to work on getting to a place of forgiveness. A good book which kept things simple and covers all types of affairs/adultery was "How to help your spouse to heal after your affair". It's a short read and one that I think would help spouses understand how to help the one who has gotten hurt.
Well, that was a lot! I sincerely hope that he's willing to do the work to change and that he's wanting to meet or at least call other men to talk with about his issues. *HUGS*
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Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2017 17:04:09 GMT -7
Thanks for all the reminders... my head gets scrambled when he does all of this...
Ok... i gotta get it together! Remember to breath... Hugs...
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2017 8:41:53 GMT -7
Hon I agree with Lady. The one thing I would like to add is about setting up an app like Covenant Eyes. You can set it up for him but he needs a male accountability partner that can get the weekly emails. In fact I recommend doing it this way. That way you have control of the password and he can't go in and disable the app when he gets the urge to look at porn. This way he also can't view you as his parent because you will not be seeing the emails and having to confront him about them.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 9, 2017 14:09:34 GMT -7
Hey guys ... i need opinion on this incident with my Husband... please ...
My H just had his first real bad temper tantrum since i have been put on meds and since the app has been back on his phone... Normally im scared to death that he will will be mean and withhold love and affection ... normally when he starts blaming me and manipulating me i internalize it and wonder why im so bad.. whats wrong with me...
But this time i told him this could have been avoided had he respected me and thought enough about my feelings to talk to me first be for he went to the back with his phone.... he didnt seem to get it... but thats what i needed to feel comfortable about the situation.
What he did was... he took his phone to the back to watch a movie and relax .we all know he usef the word relax before and he would look at porn.... I asked if he was ONLY gonna watch a movie.. no trolling the net... he kinda popped off snarky... idk i might... That sent my radar up! I pulled over and said i was uncomfortable with this sudden change.
He threw a full on fit.. throwing his phone , cussing screaming, blaming me.. he was saying .. i knew it... i knew you were gonna act like this... I spoke calmly tried to explain but he would not listen... Screaming at me to drive and shutting the curtain... he still would not hear my side... He kept saying the app is on the phone what else do you want... Saying how much i annoy him.. and my gosh cant i just relax...
But what he doesnt understand is he misused the app and betrayed my trust before ...many many times with the app on. I would give him chance after chance to do the right thing and i got detrayed almost everytime.
What i needed was for him to acknowledge that he understood he did detrayed me before. To explain to me he was wanting to go use his phone in the back again and let process that before he just up and made the decision to do it... That would give me good faith that he is following threw with his word. It would show he is trying to communicate and thinking of how his decision will effect me. But no! He refused to listen. He just kept blaming me for ruining his relax time. I never once said he couldn't take his phone to the back or that he couldnt watch the movie. Only when he said he might troll the net was when i pulled over and said i was uncomfortable with it... Thats when he threw his fit!
Do you guys think i handled it wrong?? Am i being unreasonable?
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Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2017 8:06:26 GMT -7
Hugs sweetie. Short quick answer...no to both questions.
He is having fits because he wants nothing to change. He doesn't want to change and he doesn't want you to change. You are changing and he is beginning to see it. When he throws his next one, remain calm, explain your thoughts and feelings and don't let him draw you into reacting as you used to.
Your accountability app may let you add websites to it that are in the no go zone. You should find out. It will help you feel more safe when he takes his phone to the back.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2017 11:23:34 GMT -7
Thanks for the reassurance.. Im getting much wiser to the games and manipulation. I felt confident in my stance. I just wanted to make sure it seemed reasonable to you guys. I stayed calm. I was more throw back by his child like display and filthy mouth.
He woke up next day like NOTHING had happened... i asked if we were going to discuss the situation and he said no.... move on! That was no suprise!
Which his unwillingness to communicate and problem solve i am starting to view as control and manipulation ... dont you think??
I am very happy it didnt take down to being sad or deppressed... im still growing!
Thank you so much for your help.. your the best Amy! Prayers my friend!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2017 22:46:16 GMT -7
Hey guys... I am sitting here reading my old post and i realized that its almost been a year since i joined BG. January 6 2017 was my first post. Sadly not much has changed. Im pretty much right back at the same spot i was then. This is all so pointless. The good part is the meds keep numb enough that i just really dont care much anymore. My marriage will probably never be the marriage that i hoped it could be. My H will never change. I really dont trust him. I probably never will. Im exhausted from all the effort it takes to fight this. I sleep pretty much all the time. If im not driving im usually asleep.. its best to just keep myself guarded and numb. Im happier in that place. I hope that all my post actually helps someone one day. Maybe a wife struggling or a husband who see how much pain a wife is in. Pain... it's something you get used to i guess. I figure my marriage will fail at some point.. maybe when i finally let go... I wanna rest... sometimes i wanna pack my car and never look back.. I dont even fear being alone anymore.
You guys have been wonderful to me. Lots of help and support but i guess im at a place were their is not much help left to give me and my fussing is just repetitive and annoying... trust me.. i get it and i apologize for it ..
Everyday of my life i will hope and pray this sickness will let go of my H... The question is will i be the same after the war... no i wont! Im definitely different..
My Faith and hope is running low. Mostly i want to disappear. Peace would be heaven to my mind!
Good luck in your journey my friends. I pray you will all find love, happiness and joy... I'm gonna sign off.. im asking Amy to delete my account.. i think its best i go. Their is just not much left to say. No more help needed.
Take care everyone... Hugs and prayers GHP
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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2017 7:39:32 GMT -7
Ghp you are not allowed to go any where. I so wish I could actually force you to stay. We love you as a sister and friend. Seriously if nothing in your marriage changes, you are still welcome and wanted here. You have blessed all of us with your kindness, love and wisdom.
I have messaged you with how to delete your account but I implore you to stay. I love you my friend.
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