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Post by ladystrong on Aug 10, 2017 10:27:50 GMT -7
HUGS my friend. Not so good things certainly come out of mouths when drinking is involved. Have you ever told your son about the adultery and the porn that has happened in your marriage? We plan on telling our sons before they get married. I hope to be healed by then, which is about 20 years away, because we feel like it's better to be honest and open about it and prevent further generational sin and great pain (there's history on both sides of our families of adultery). The next generation is at stake and this sin needs to stop somewhere and it starts with us. Anyway, I'm glad the meds are helping and I pray that you would reconcile with your son.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2017 12:00:56 GMT -7
GHP, your son using alcohol to the point of not being able to control his mouth makes hime the coward. That's just my opinion which is probably skewed due to what I have recently been dealing with and my past history of dealing with alcoholics.
Hang in there hon. You are strong.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2017 13:55:37 GMT -7
Hey lady... Yes we told our son... when my husband crossed the line with checking out craigslist for an affair ... i told him i easent living in silence anymore. He better tell our son or i would.. so he told him... my son was very upset... He is definitely struggling with life also..
Amy.. i agree... I've been telling him he needs to get his drinking under control but he's 24 and thinks he knows everything... i guess he just might have to learn the hard way..
Thanks lady... i hope you are both doing well.. Hugs..
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2017 6:59:11 GMT -7
Hi friends its been a while...
One of the things i find to be for sure about a porn user is as long as you never speak about it then i think they think it doesnt really exist. As soon as you speak about the issues then its like it brings it to light.
My husband is a master at the Art of as long as were not talking about it then everything is fine and its not happening clause.
His silence tells it all and then as soon as i say ... I'm checking in to see how he is doing and whats going on in our relationship.... his body language and attitude and unwillingness to give any specific details lets me know it all to.
He is famous for saying everything is fine ... were fine... but what that really means is... im still looking at porn here and their and maybe MB every now and then.. i love my sin and secret life. But i refuse to talk about it... and if you push me to talk about it ... im gonna start being mean and use curse words and with hold affection from you and treat you like i really dont care about you at all. I will treat you as if you were just trash i want to discard and not a living breathing human being with feeling.
I think i have finally come to the place that i know my husband is gonna be a lifer! Everything is on his terms.. We have zero intimacy unless he wants to. I am not allowed to make advances. I just get shut down.
It crazy... i think i am finally in the i just simply dont care anymore phase.
I've been sad , hurt, angry, frustrated, I've felt all the emotions. I've tried it all... begging , helping, praying, encouraging, staying quiet, being vocal, porn blocking, taking his phone at night, I mean just everything....
Finally getting on anti- Anxiety and Anti depression meds have Numbed me out to a place that i just really dont have the energy and strength to deal with it all anymore. My almost 30 year marriage is just not what i thought i was gonna look like or feel like at this late stage in my life... its just time to suck it up and face it. Just breath it in...
So... were does one go from here... Well for me... i just dont feel like starting over in life. He has stripped me of so much. Its very hard for me to trust men now. I never wanted to be like that but ... after this many years of this... its just a side effect i guess.. i tried to fight feeling that way ... and i feel bad that i do feel that way now. Most of my wants are gone... dreams are gone... i keep myself pretty numb to make it threw... i do find happiness in a few things and people but im pretty guarded now. I dont like to give advise on marriage or life in general... mine is a failure so why would i share..
I feel i must be doing some good for the people i love because i can see it in their smile. I just feel Numb in general with pretty much everything. I will stay with him until i die... i guess... i just dont know any different life and am really scared to go see what another one would look like... what if i get disappointed with that to...
If he has another physical affair.. i will wait until he divorces me... or i will divorce because im not gonna keep dealing with that. I might as well be alone. If he keeps it to the "occasional porn use and masturbating" i will do my best to live in this life... even though its not real... its just the cards i got i guess... I'm tired... I've had to fight to survive my whole life... I'm just tired!
Their are moments in my life i feel i could lay down and never get up again. I dont feel i would be missed at all... well my mom would miss me. In the back of my mind i think im preparing to be alone in my golden years.. im sure he will trade me in for a new model .. as they say these days. I think right now as i type this that after all these years and all my effort.. after trying to be the most loving selfless wife i could be. The most forgiving i could be. In the end none of it mattered... i gave all of myself... all i had to give.. poured all the love out of me.. stayed faithful and loyal and none of it really mattered or helped... A few tears still fall out of my eyes when i think about it... like now... but i cant even really cry about it anymore... It just is what it is... my life!
Pain has become second nature to me. Fear too... i pray and pray... i get some relief but it always come back...
This message is not meant to be a pour pittiful me message.. i just really think im comming to terms with it ... right now and im writing it out because many of you all understand or i pray that some of you never understand and maybe think im crazy... that would mean your life was better.. that your choose a different path... Thank god for that... These are also the ramblings of of a woman in alot of pain...
Moving on...
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2017 7:39:57 GMT -7
GHP, hugs hon. I have missed you and I have been praying for you. I knew you were having a tough time because you haven't been posting. Change and stepping out on your own is not easy. It's scary as all get out. I hate seeing you so depressed. I hope and pray you can find some peace with your decision and find some joy in your life as it is. Are you still in counseling?
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2017 8:33:08 GMT -7
No... she wasent very helpful... im looking for another one...
I'm doing ok... i just have finally come to terms with the situation... giving up! He acts like things are great but their not... He still gives me his phone and stuff but now he has resorted to when he leaves to like run to Wal-Mart for me.. he takes forever and its one road over... and when we are out at a store he will say i need to go ta the bathroom and rhen spend 30 min in their while i shop.. comes out really happy... and all lovey dovey... So i give up... if he cant control himself to go to a store or to the toilet... i just cant deal... He wants me to live in a blind state.. like he is doing nothing wrong but the fact is he is... So... so be it... its just a matter of time before he messes up so bad he cant come back from it... Acting out with craigslist or something... so i will just do my best to stay strong and wait... but putting my heart into just isnt an option anymore...
He makes sure of that!
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2017 8:49:23 GMT -7
Hey Amy... i miss you too... i pray your doing well... i hope things are much better for you .. I kinda feel like the depression and anxiety is a little better... Anxiety is way better.. I will get threw one way or another... God willing ...
Thank you so much Amy for the prayers.. Love you ..
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2017 16:46:44 GMT -7
You know... their comes a point to where you have to ask yourself... how much are you gonna take... how much can one human being due to the other before the other just breaks... cracks .. snaps... loses their freaking mind... You began to wonder... just when am i gonna be hospitallized with a nervous break down...
My husband just admitted that he is looking at porn when he is either running an errand in our car or in a public toilet.... PUBLIC TOILET...
I JUST WANNA PUKE AND I FEEL A RAGE IN ME...
I have lost all respect for my husband and i no longer trust him... i probably will never trust him again.. no matter what fairy tale he tries to pretend we live in...
Nope ...
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2017 17:05:45 GMT -7
I forgot to mention why i was upset... I told him that i wanted to know where he is looking at porn and he told me he wasent gonna tell me ... because then i would be watching him... so he told me it was none of my business....
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Post by Will on Sept 25, 2017 23:34:38 GMT -7
Hey GHP! Don't give up! This is a valley but there are hills too! WE miss you And you are a blessing to us on this board. So that's quite a few people right there that you make a difference to. "In the end none of it mattered... i gave all of myself... all i had to give.. poured all the love out of me.. stayed faithful and loyal and none of it really mattered or helped... " I don't think that's true. The Lord God Almighty sees everything, He sees you pain and your tears and your prayers are stored in Heaven, where you have also stored up treasure by your loving kindness.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 26, 2017 1:56:20 GMT -7
Hey Will... I pray my messages finds you doing well... Thanks for your kind words... I have missed all you guys too.. i think of you all often and and I'm always saying a lityle prayer for my BG friends...
I'm pretty Beat Down Will... i don't want to give up but he just keeps hammering away at what is good and kind and loving in me. Its sad... my own spouse feels toxic to me... hurts me ... I'm tired ... im so tired...
I wish it was not this way... I wish i was enough....
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Post by Deleted on Sept 26, 2017 7:22:56 GMT -7
I would like to know do any of the other wives experience a behavior with your H... Where everything is goodish.. he is loving, kind , respectful, everything seems amazing and good... UNTIL... you question him about his porn use/addiction.
Example... Honey.. im just checking in to see how things are going with you fight against porn. Things seem to be good but we haven't spoke about it in months and were still not sexually active so.. I'm just wanting to check in... You told me you wanted to be more active with me and went to the Dr for help but the ... nothing??
Then he responds with.. i fell off the wagon a few times but were fine.
I say thanks for your honesty. Would you mind telling me were that happened because it wasent obvious like normal so we need to set up a boundary.
He says No... i will not tell you were or how...
I say as your wife its my right to protect my marriage so you staying honest and sharing with me is super important.. So the place your choosing to do this needs to be stopped to help our marriage. It could only really be in 2 places. The car or a public restroom. You never have your phone Alone any other time..
He doesn't deny that but just says he will not tell me because.. i will then be paranoid he is gonna do it everytime he goes out of the house... and that what he does is none of my buisness when he leaves the house. He said so stop talking to me and stop asking me questions... And to leave him alone.
So i did... i was up all night trying to come up with a solution for the problem.
I woke this morning and told him that with what he said to me yesterday about its none of my buisness what goes on when he heads out of the house... that i cant trust him. That statment gives me no way of trusting my H. What does he suggests as a solution. He said ... I dont know! I suggested turning the internet off his phone when he leaves or installing an App again.. He said now your just gonna piss me off.. and that would just be ridiculous! I agreed how ridiculous it is but apparently thats what needs to happen in order to keep trust. His action cause our life to have to set boundaries and keep on top of things. If not their will be no trust and i will need to guard myself. He said no i dont need to guard myself. That he is not gonna do it everytime. I said unfortunately.. he has lied so much that its hard for me to trust that. I said all of this calm no yelling. I continued and saud i wasent trying to be disrespectful to him.. im just trying to protect our marriage as well as myself and him. I said i know you have used the car before for porn use and now public restrooms are an option since you take your phone in their to "play games".. i trusted you when you said thats what you were doing and now you have given me reason to doubt you. And by not sharing with me where your doing it.. i will now assume anytime you leave the house and are gone a long time like you have been lately... that you are up to no good.
He then got pissed and said he wanted to be left alone.. refuses to talk to me about these convos anymore.. he is sick of my questions and he really just doesn't care... stuck his head piece in and ignored me... sat over their fumming.. I tried asking why he got so mad. Its just a simple convo to a problem we need to build a solution for... he proceeded to continue his childish behavior.
But add alot of F words and more colorful language like that comming from him in the convo. I DO NOT curse at him.. i feel it is highly disrespectful. Very degrading.
So now he is in I DONT CARE MODE... so he will now.. be disrespectful to me, threaten me with Divorce, not talk to me, not hug me or touch me, not say i love you, ignore me, keep his head set on and act as if im not in the same tiny 10x10 box that he is in, withold affection, basically treat me like im his enemy... etc...
Do you guys ever experience this type of behavior with your spouse when you try and check in with them or talk about their porn use?
The whole as long as we never speak about it it doesnt exist and our life is peachy but i like to have a secret life that we dont talk about... behavior.. As long as im a good little wife and dont ask any questions i will love you and treat you well but if you question me... You are my enemy!
Ugh... how the Heck did i end up in this kind of life... I dont think im ever gonna stop asking that question!
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Post by Deleted on Sept 26, 2017 9:05:01 GMT -7
Hey Amy... i miss you too... i pray your doing well... i hope things are much better for you .. I kinda feel like the depression and anxiety is a little better... Anxiety is way better.. I will get threw one way or another... God willing ... Thank you so much Amy for the prayers.. Love you .. Things are in an upheaval for me. Had to call the cops on my brother, he was arrested, I got a restraining order, now in the process of moving, going through the change of life, panic attacks. Through it all God has my back. He blessed us with a place mom and I can afford and allows pets. My aunties helped out with a car and money to help with the move. It's during these times where I truly realize how much God loves and blesses me.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 26, 2017 9:13:09 GMT -7
Ok... I'm tired of feeling like a negative nancy today... YUCK!
On a positive note...
My Grandson had his 1st Birthday Yesterday... we were home to celebrate with him and it was such a joy.. He is the light of my life. He is the one big bright spot in my world.. i just cant get enough...
He got his own ball pit and lots of toys and clothes.. he ate his first smash cake.. it was pure heaven..
Can you hear my smiles... my heart is leaping with joy...
I was sick recently and fell off my diet... gained 7 pounds bummer! But im back at it... Gonna continue to kick butt...
Anxiety way better.. depression is so so... it needs some work!
We done a bunch of work to our house.. we might sell it or rent it out... that felt nice but wore me out for sure! Yard was a mess.. house needs alot of repair... but we will get their.. BaBy steps..
My anniversary came and went. We were supposed to go to florida but the hurricanes stopped us..they said no none florida residence allowed... sigh! i was supposed to be in the florida keys sipping a pina coloda with my feet in the sand but the weather had other plans.. double sigh!!
My H did get me a very nice gift for my anniversary which was suprising and very sweet. We did not get to spend any romantic time together though... not a suprise!!!!
Staying positive...
Im really committed to getting healthy and staying active.. im really focused on working on me.
Im also very focused on just comming to terms with my life. I am also learning to come over my fear of being Alone.
Alone in my golden years... Hmmmm... not so scary after all! Thats progress!
I do need to read the bible more.. im falling down on that...
I would like to go to school for something i think... but what? Very good question!
In general.. im not the basket case i was about a year or so ago... my pills really help for that. I do feel stronger in someways but the way i am getting stronger is not gonna have a positive effect on my marriage... im starting to feel like.. if its porn and MB and women he wants then so be it ... he can have it... i will be fine by myself....
I need a new counselor... thats a problem!
Our sex issues strangely are starting to not bother me at all.. i am getting to were im ok with it.. i dont want to be touched by him if he is gonna continue to lust after 18 year olds.. I have a high sex drive and going without it for months or even a year at a time is hard for me. I do not MB or view P to get a release and i do not lust after men with my eyes or mind. I keep saving myself for my husband. But oddly enough i just dont seem to care if we ever get intimate again... he has definitely broke me down their.. But i view my not caring anymore as a positive. That way i dont feel frustrated sexually. But i will save myself for one day the right man will want me and the great things that come along with me...i just know it!
Well i think thats most of the positives for now... Have a great day everyone...
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Post by ladystrong on Sept 27, 2017 7:06:15 GMT -7
Hey GHP, you're doing a great job getting help for yourself, changing and healing. It's so good to hear that you're taking care of yourself in the midst of adversity. I can't imagine how stifling it feels to be in the same place as your H while he's still sinning and doesn't want to take responsibility. And to not curse at him while he's treating you like junk, that takes some major self-control. Kudos to you!
Sounds like your H is still on the hamster wheel of no change. It's been about 9 months since you first posted here and maybe several years that he's been doing this? I'd say it is high time to cut him loose. He isn't willing to change while you are. He's dragging you down when you're trying to stand up and take steps forward.
Proverbs 29:1 says this: "He who is often rebuked, and hardens his neck, will suddenly be destroyed, and that without remedy." You've told him again and again to stop, that it's hurting you, that it's not right. Has he ever been accountable to another brother? Does he consider himself a Christian? As long as this is in the darkness without the support of other brothers whom he can confess to, it's highly unlikely that he will truly be repentant. Biblically, it also says that if a brother is sinning, first you go to him one-on-one and confront him. If he still doesn't listen, you bring in others to confront him as well. And if he still doesn't listen, he gets thrown out of the church until he repents from his sin.
One question that I thought of while I'm going through the healing process of my H's A: Did you both heal from his affair a long time ago? From your posts it sounds like that was not properly dealt with. Did you both go to counseling individually and together?
Through this healing journey I've realized that I do have choices and my happiness does not rest solely on my H, it actually rests on ME. Although my H and I are not marked for D, I now know I could live without him and still be ok. It would be really hard with three kids, but I know I could do it. I needed to come to that point to be truly free. The first time I felt freedom from my attachment to and dependence on him was in April, when I went on my own retreat. I was at peace and didn't think about texting or calling him to see how he was doing. It was true freedom to me. I didn't even feel bad about it, I was happy to be with God.
I'm glad you checked in with us. I hope you find a good therapist who addresses your needs and guides you in the right direction. Be blessed, sister.
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