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Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2017 14:14:59 GMT -7
Today is a really bad day for me.. i jave been super emtional and just sick with monitoring him and knowing all that he does.. since he wont stop..
So i came to him and said that i have a need .. i asked him to please stop looking at stuff and clicking pics of stuff to save for later.. sitting right next to me.. it hurts me and i get unhinged and i freak out. He said no.. he's not gonna stop doing that.. he said i want the truth and that's the truth or he could lie! He said if i make it an issue then he will just start staying in the back all the time...
I said you cant love and respect me enought to spend that time with me... he said given his answer clearly not.. WOW! he said since i snatched his phone from him yesterday.. he's not even sure he wants to be in this marriage... i was shocked!! .. because its only the 2nd time i have ever been disrespectful like that in 27 years.. and any little thing i do..has become marriage ending to him...
I think i just realized this isnt gonna work know matter how much i want things to be better.
Im a wreck today.. i dont know how to do this..
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Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2017 17:23:30 GMT -7
Hon I am sorry. Do you have a place to stay at or someone you can stay with? My advice would be to separate from him for now. Give yourself some time away from him to clear your mind and then decide where to go from there.
Getting some space between you two sounds like the best option for now. Being couped up in such a small space with him is causing you to be physically sick.
I am praying for you sweetie.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2017 19:54:12 GMT -7
I am going to tell you what I think, and I hope that you are not hurt even more, as I do not want to ever hurt you or anyone else for that matter but ... REALLY! Snatching his phone is "disrespectful" to him. He wants to end the marriage because you snatched his phone! I would pack his stuff and tell him "Tootles".
Let us talk "disrespectful" ... He is showing no respect to you, to God, to your marriage, or to your family by continuously watching his porn and masturbating. It would be bad enough if he did it in private but to do it with you right there. I find that not even respecting himself. Makes me want to knock him upside the head.
He sounds like a bully ... you do not have to accept this as your lot in your life. This is not what you deserve. If he cannot be the man that you need than you need to tell him to get the hell out of your way so that you can find the one that is.
I may sound as if I have my "stuff" together and I am tough. That is not how it was in the beginning. I was just like you ... I cried, I made myself physically sick, and I wanted to go to bed and never get up. It was only after therapy, reading everything out there and sharing with all the great people here, that I was able to stand again without my knees buckling. I only got "me" back when I finally realized that there is nothing in this world that I can do to save my husband but I can save me. I started seeing myself through God's eyes instead of the eyes of a selfish porn addict that could only think of his next "fix".
You do not own this, he does. Personally, I think that you need to stop policing him and put all effort into getting you in a safe and healthy place. This is about you, right now. Save you and let him save himself.
I am going to hold you so close in prayer ... God will make a way for you. Trust him (and believe me, I know that can be hard), but he is the one man that will never let you down.
Love and Hugs.
Grace
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Post by Will on Jan 15, 2017 3:46:55 GMT -7
Hi Godshealingpower,
know this is the 'for wives' section but your story is so heartbreaking, there are a couple of thoughts I had reading it that thought may be of some use:
- the fact that he was looking at self-help, motivational videos means that he too is not happy with the situation. Believe me, I am almost certain that your husband knows that it is his own fault. He is probably not happy with the way he is behaving, and certainly knows deep down that his behaviour is the main problem, but may feel powerless to know how to change the rut he is in. Sounds crazy but one thing I have learnt about addiction is that it always comes from pain, and is not easy to control or change behavior that has been used as a bandaid to numb the pain, even when it is our own selves that are trying to change it.
- is he a Christian? If not it is hard to know how to appeal to him. But if he is, is there a Pastor that you both respect that could talk to him? I say this because really agree with Gracey's statement that 'policing' him may not be the best approach. Basically, if he is a Christian then someone could remind him that if he continues down this road he will burn in hellfire for eternity, and there is nothing worse than that and never a point where it is a good idea to give up. And if he truly understands that, then he must at least come back to fully trying to quit this behavior - getting help, etc. BUT, maybe you are not the best person to tell him that? We guys feel like we should be in charge. It is very difficult for a man to be controlled or policed by his partner, because this is like a double failure for us: a) we have failed to do the things we were supposed to do, that we're being reminded or bossed about, and b) we are failing to provide the leadership role in the relationship as well, and we are now being bossed by the woman, that makes us twice as pathetic as a man. So it can often come across as being just a constant reminder of how useless we are.
That probably sounds crazy but maybe if there was a male authority figure that could talk to your husband about this, he might receive it better?
- Finally, a friend of mine and me came up about 10 years ago with what we arrogantly think is the ultimate rule of relationships. Here it is:
'You always want what you can't get'
Right now you are more than 100% available to your husband. You are constantly there for him and ready for him. Don't know about the separation idea but, are there friends or other activities that you can get involved in? Because, emotionally, it seems like you are constantly running towards him and available to him. He doesn't have to worry about whether you will be there (not physically, but emotionally), because you always are, and maybe he is running away from you in response. But if you find other interests and activities and get into those and are diverted somewhat, guess what? All of a sudden he looks over and thinks 'huh? That's not the usual amount of attention she pays to me?' And he has to pay attention to understand what is going on.
This may be a dumb idea, but I've found it always to happen. When you get involved in other stuff (thinking Church, Bible Study, womens' groups, Gospel Missions, btw NOT suggesting you try to make your husband jealous), and so you're focused on something else and no longer going towards the other person, all of a sudden they feel that you are no longer so available to them, and they are interested again.
Think this may be how 'horse-whispering' works. You run towards the horse and it runs away. But if you run towards it then turn around and walk in the other direction, the horse also turns around and starts following you!!
Sorry for the long ramble. Didn't mean to intrude but God bless you and remember you are important and valued by Almighty God, and that is what really counts.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2017 8:11:24 GMT -7
Hey everyone...
Amymine712.. Your so nice.. everybody here makes it so much better that im not dealing with this all by my self...
No... i really dont have anywhere to go.. you see my son, girlfriend and my 4 month old grandson live with us... well, live with us is a loose term because we are hardly home.. but they stay in our house and were trying to give them a spring board to get back out their on their own since they got the suprise of being pregnant after fully protecting themselves against it.. God said "TA DA" your having a baby!... lol! After the initial shock.. i thank god for him he is a major happy place in my life.. i can be sad or upset and one look from that little guy melts it away...
So you see its hard to just pack up and leave right now because my son has been threw alot in the last 2 years and this would cause them alot of suffering for us all to have to go... however when my husband tried to cheat back in may.. i did have him tell our son because i had been suffering and protecting our son from his addiction his whole life.. i also felt him having to stand to our son and tell him the type of man he really is might shock him into change... i guess we will see!
My son is aware and does not like what his dad is doing..
Gracey, I can here in your message how angry it makes you .. just like it makes me and it makes me smile... i love that about you! I can tell you have my back.. so does Amy! Thank you guys
I dont take offense to what any of you guys say.. it doesn't hurt me that your saying it .. it hurts to hear the truth... some of you have been dealing with this longer than me or may understand something i dont and i need all the thought and advice i can get.. advice is even amazing from ones that have suffered the addiction themselves.. i find their thoughts very valuable information because they can tell me what my husband wont.. i have great appreciation for all of you... so no worries! π
Will, I think you are right i am to avaliable to him. I have always given my all to the people who mean the most to me and i am learning that it is not always a good thing..
He is a christian and we did get him help from our church minister.. it helped for a little bit but not long.. but we haven't been to church as much.. either! I asked him why does he turn away from god.. he says he doesn't.. i told him his action show other wise!
I dont want to give up on my husband because i know god can help him but i have to figure out how to take care of me and not care what he is doing.. while i try and get my life together.. i need to emotionally detach somehow!
My husband is extremely selfish.. his whole family is this way its strange all his brothers and sister are very selfish.
I think his pain stems from his family because he has never really wanted much to do with them.. i only met them once and very brief before we were married and they havent been a very big comfort for us during our marriage and his father has the very same issues.. his father has been tormenting his mother for like 45 years with his porn addiction. He is 70 years old and still does it! My H hates for me to say he is just like his father and wants me to just endure the crap like his mom.. He is ashamed of himself and acts out alot with his behavior when we try to talk! I think a lot of his issues steam from his childhood.. We are currently at odds and not speaking with his family right now..
If i ask him to get someone to help him like a man that he might respect he says no.. he is to embarrassed and ashamed! He like's to keep his porn life secret but i refuse to do that anymore.. i have let most of my family and his know and that has put up even more issue's with his family because i made it clear thst his father has been a very bad example of a man and husbsnd to his children when it comes to his porn use and how it has affected his son's all of them have an addiction due to the father!
I have started doing something in the last 3 days that just might have helped us a little bit i think.. as soon as he goes to the back bunk to "rest" as he calls it.. i pull the truck over and take his hands and pray out loud for him/us..
My prayer usually goes... Dear God, i want to thank you for my marriage and for my husband. Lord we are at a crossroads and our marriage is in need of your healing power.. lord, Satan is robbing my husband of a heart of love and obedience to you by tempting him to fill his heart with lust. Lord i pray that you show love and mercy to my husband in his time of weakness. Dear lord wrap yourself around him and be his mind, eyes, hands and heart and banish Satan's temptation for him like only you can do. Please give us love and patience with each other and open his eyes to the pain he cause me. Lord give me strength because satan wants to destroy my husband and my married and by way of destroying them he wants to destroy me.. satan i rebuke you in the name of jesus christ. Be gone from our life you are not welcome here! In Jesus name i pray AMEN!
So as i was saying i have been doing that lately and he doesn't stop me and i noticed he is not looking at as much stuff and lastnight i think he didnt look at any at all! that would be so amazing if true! He doesn't want to be like this forever but he doesn't handle conflict well or feelings well or even talking well.. that also stems from his childhood! He just ignore's things and he thinks it will just go away but it never does! Im an over communicator because i learned early on you can solve anything if you truely want to... he loves that and hates that quality in me... he wishes he has it but hates when i use it on him.. He is an amazing man when it comes to helping or solving any body else's stuff but refuses to look inside and really work on himself! If the problem is about him.. he just shuts down and becomes a real A**!
For me, you are all right, i just gotta start to focuse on my needs and healing and stop whining about his crap! Its just real hard to do that in this rig so im trying to figure out how to get off.. i stay on here because when we are off working jobs at home.. i have fear he will have an affair but i guess if he's gonna do that then i might as well stop fearing it and i will know its best to end our relationship... i wont stand for that.. i have had to deal with enough!
You guys have provided a great place for me to let out how i feel and it keeps me from the edge ... alot! Plus i think some of my support is tired of my whining and just wants me to divorce already but its hard to walk away when you believe God can heal and you have spent your whole life with someone and your marriage wasent always bad! Or maybe its just the person i am.. i have been given up on as a child and left.. so it's very hard for me to do the same thing to people... but mostly its because he has only admitted for a few months now thsts its a real addiction and im trying to give him time for us bith to understand that and give God time to work on his heart...
Plus i need time to get stronger like you said Gracey!
On a more positive note.. im happy today.. im gonna see my son and grandson and that fills me up with happiness! πΆπ¦
I also am trying to lead by examples for my husband, i have started putting down my vice's.. like soda, sweets, emotional eating! This is day 5!!! π€ I figure if i can beat my demonds and he can see that then he can beat his.. Plus if this marriage is going down.. its not gonna be because i didnt give it everything that i got.. that way i can live the rest of my life in peace knowing i did what i could.. no regrets!
I want to thank you guys so much.. and i pray for all my new friends.. i pray you all have a blessed sunday and thank you for keeping me in prayer...
((HUGS)) ππππππ
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2017 11:30:55 GMT -7
It sounds like God is planting ideas in your head on how to deal with this. God is so good that way! Your situation is unique and only God knows what will work for you. Keep listening to the ideas the Holy Spirit puts in your mind. You know, by working on yourself you will change all your relationships for the better.
Have a great day hon and enjoy your grandbaby.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2017 18:59:02 GMT -7
Good advice, Will. Please, never feel that you are intruding ... I welcome any and all perspectives. You shared some good thoughts.
Godshealingpower, I so get that you feel as though you cannot leave right now because of your son. That was exactly how I felt. My son was living at home and I did not want to rock his world. He moved at in the fall, I now have options.
I found that I found the most peace when I became silent and started listening to God. I am not going to say that it is easy. I find myself many times wanting to take matters into my own hands. Every now and again I have to remind myself that I am not God :-)
You will be okay ... I say that and I believe it. One year ago if you would have told me that I would have rolled my eyes. Just this afternoon I had coffee with a friend and I said for the first time "I am okay, I really am okay". And I meant it. I AM OKAY! I can and I will make it through this. Now, saying that does not mean that I will not have moments where I am here crying and ranting ... but for today, I am okay.
I also wanted to tell you that my husband is very much like yours in that "communication" is just a big word to him. He would rather bury his head in the sand and act as if all is well. I on the other hand, I could sit up all night talking.
Here if you need me ... Be well and Love you!
Grace
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 16, 2017 16:09:41 GMT -7
Good sharing, Godshealingpower. I like the way that you're trying to make the most of things right now. And that you're looking at the good things in your life as well.
God bless you on your decision to place boundaries on your eating habits. And congrats on your 5 days. Would you like us to hold you accountable for that?
Some thoughts. PA has been the most difficult thing to deal with in my entire life. Nothing has come close. I'm certain that food is a very challenging thing for many people. I've enjoyed food more as I've gotten older, but my desire for food probably isn't as strong as yours. And if you consider yourself an overeater, well, I think that can be very similar to PA or SA. Very hard to stop. I'm mean food is everywhere, and you just can't stop eating altogether. If this is an area of stronghold that you can come out of then your life will be better indeed.
Your H would stop the P if he felt he could, but he is so enslaved to the high that acting out brings that it's too difficult. I'm certain that he's tried and failed many times. And now he's given up hope that he can stop altogether. He feels like he cannot change even if he wants to. Millions of men have found themselves in the same situation of a love/hate relationship with P.
As an SA, I've had to deal with the following fallacies,
S*x is my most important need S*x is equal to love I am a horrible and worthless person No one will be able to meet my needs
Horrible fallacies that have played in my head since I was a child. And it's taken many years of Godly influence to turn those bad tapes in my head to something that's more real. But I hurt a lot of people in the process. I've been in his shoes. I know what it's like to feel like I've have no choice but to pursue physical s*x. Otherwise, life did not seem to have any meaning. You mentioned that you wanted to know more about what's going on in his head. Hope this helps to give you a more clearer picture. Thanks for sharing.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2017 8:17:13 GMT -7
Good Morning BG,
Amymine712, Gracey, and Kevineskay, Thank you all for your encouragement and kindness. You guys always give me something to think about.
We were off since sunday morning. I'm always glad to be at home. My H always acts just like a loving, happy affectionate H at home. We get along good. I have way less fear of him acting out. He stays off his phone and focuses on family and being better... i get so much relief at home.
We had a small victory last saturday night. The last night we were in the rig.i have been praying with him everytime he goes to the back "to relax" and noticed once i took off driving again things weren't quiet like they usually are. Which usually means he is view things he shouldn't. He was laughing alot and this went on for hours. It seemed he made an effort not to look at P. The next day on the way home i just asked him straight out. Did you look at P.. He said NO! I asked were you making an effort not to he said yes. I told him how proud of him i was and how amazing that was and that he could do this and I'm still standing by his side... he smiled it seemed to make him happy! Now i know this was a small victory against satans grip but i will take it! I am trying not to get my hopes up to high just incase he slips a little but it sure was nice. So for my H this makes 4 days without P. Oh, i pray god continues to give him strength to fight satans temptation!
Our time at home was good. Our grandson is so cute and he's getting so big. We both love being grandparents!
When it came time for us to get back on the rig last night.. i didn't want to!I was doing everything in my power not to cry infront of my kids but i just couldn't control it tears kept welling up in my eyes. My son's girlfriend kept asking me what was wrong but i couldn't hardly speak. I dont want the peace to end. I get bad anxiety when we start to get back on because he does his dirt in their and it causes me so much pain. He seems more like the man i remember at home and on the rig he gets distant. He lets the P separate us from being one. It almost feels like a double life. This would be so much easier if i didn't love him and if i didnt believe in him. He has goodness in him and i dont want to give up on him. So.... i will continue to battle satan with prayer and the bible. I don't want the destruction of my family and god willing i will keep trying.
As for me i have stuck to my commitment.. its day 9 or 10.. i think i lost count! Lol! π€ but i have not had soda, chips,sweets just no junk in general and i have not emotionally eaten anything. I have been doing very well considering! I am down like 6 pounds. I am still trying to focus on me and whats best for my life... boy that sounds weird... i have always only thought of my life as a WE, not ME!
Sure Kevineskay, you guys can help hold me accountable.. I also wanns say thanks for sharing and giving me a glimpse into the way a PA/SA mind works. I also had a question for anyone suffering with this addition.. is it possible him being sexual with me can actually trigger him to want more P.. because i noticed if were intimate.. he seems to want to view stuff almost immediately after???
Well, today will be a test of my H will. We are both very tired since we got back on the rig and today he will get time to ne back in the bunk alone with his phone, so i pray god gives him strength to fight it!
I pray everyone has a blessed Wednesday and thst you have peace in your hearts and minds. Thanks again! ((Hugs)) Love, GHP π
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Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2017 11:43:59 GMT -7
Hon have you looked into local driving? That way you could be home at night. Just a thought.
Praise God for your husband's victory! Tge heart change is amazing! It's just the beginning though. It is most likely he will stumble a long the way. All us addicts do because we have to learn to ignore the urges and use good coping skills. Each time he will get stronger. Keep praying with him and celebrate his victories.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2017 18:17:29 GMT -7
GHP .... God Love 'ya for the 10 days with no soda! My doctor told me last Thursday "absolutely no more Diet Coke". I had my last one Thursday at 4:30 and I am about to die. I have to keep my office door shut so that I cannot hear my co-workers popping their tops on their cans! I swear I can hear the phizz all the way in my office!
I do want to tell you ... I do not eat sugar (breads, pasta, potatoes, etc), well, I do occasionally have Twizzlers, and after about ten days, maybe even less, of not having it, the cravings will go away. After giving up the processed sugars you will be amazed at how sweet a strawberry or an apple naturally is.
I am going to keep you and your husband both in my prayers ... God can do amazing things!
Love and Hugs
Grace
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Jan 18, 2017 19:50:55 GMT -7
I also wanns say thanks for sharing and giving me a glimpse into the way a PA/SA mind works. I also had a question for anyone suffering with this addition.. is it possible him being sexual with me can actually trigger him to want more P.. because i noticed if were intimate.. he seems to want to view stuff almost immediately after??? This is a very good question. For me P and s*x with my wife are two very completely things. It took me a long, long time for me to discover that fact. I can imagine a PA dissatisfied with s*xual relations with a spouse because reality is not the same as the fantasy, magic lady that we build up in our minds and reinforce with P. It's important for a PA and SA to learn to let go of the fantasy and embrace reality. And many PAs don't truly understand the emotional aspect of s*x. To me, s*x was a physical thing. Didn't matter who, didn't matter when, didn't need love. P is much easier to run to. Healthy s*x takes love, emotional vulnerability, time, selflessness. I'm still mastering that myself. So I can imagine a PA wanting to indulge in P after s*x with his/her spouse. But I don't always believe it triggered by the act of s*x itself. It could be a reminder to the PA that healthy s*x with his wife does not give him the same gratification as P, and his flesh longs to seek what it's forbidden. Oftentimes, because the PA is confused between fantasy and reality, he then feels a sense of entitlement. He feels he's entitled to a more "complete" s*xual gratification. From P, he learns that everybody else is getting their gratification, so he is missing out by settling for monogamous s*x. I want to share that you really are enough. S*x with you should absolutely be enough for him. But unfortunately, he is a PA. Thus, no one person will ever be enough. Even if he had the most beautiful, s*xual, happy, easygoing young girl in the world, a PA or SA will still want more. Look at King David, or Solomon. They had many wives, but they still wanted more. For many couples in recovery, a period of s*xual abstinence was recommended. (usually 90 days) This gives the addict a drying out period so he doesn't get triggered to act out again. It takes pressure off the couple to perform. And gives him the opportunity to discover reality without feeling the entitling need to get high from an O. I'm not certain that your H will want to try this. It's great that he's avoided P for a few days. He has some desire to stop, but he's depending solely on willpower. Whiteknuckling. And that only goes so far. If he's really serious about stopping, he make other major changes in his life like getting rid of his smartphone. Right now, he reminds me of a guy trying to quit smoking while carrying a pack of cigarettes in his pocket. Congrats to you on maintaining your boundaries pertaining to your eating habits. And 6 lbs! What great progress. I've learned that when someone is making better choices with his/her life such as avoiding junkfood or avoiding P, positive changes happen in the person's body and life. May the Lord bless you.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2017 17:18:18 GMT -7
Hey Amymine712, I hope your day has been a good one. I have looked into local work. The problem is it doesn't pay as well and I'm not interested in driving an 18 wheeler on my own. I can.. but i pulled both my arm muscles about a year ago its just really hard getting a trailers legs down sometimes.. but i have been looking i just cant find the right job. I'm gonna keep looking and praying to god to see what direction he wants for my life... our life!
((Hugs)) I will finish later.. i gotta go.. these wheels arent gonna roll all by themselves. Lol! ππππππππ
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Post by Deleted on Jan 19, 2017 23:42:33 GMT -7
You wouldn't be able to drive with your hubby locally? I will be praying also hon. God will guide you.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 20, 2017 8:55:43 GMT -7
Hey guys...
Gracey,your quitting soda too.. wow! Thats awesome! Its been a little easier for me this time around so i was thankful for that. I have continued my goal of staying off soda and sweets... CHIPS are my vice! I love those hot rolled up dorito's diamante chips.. i love any thing that is chili lime flavored.. that is hard to let go.. its easy to eat while your going down the road. I eat if im bored, tired, frustrated, confused,upset, EMOTIONAL... thats the biggie!But by gods grace somehow o have managed not to.. thank you Jesus!!!!! π₯
I can tell im losing more now i just gotta find sometime to walk again.. walking does wonders for me.. niw to just get back to it.
I hope everyone's week has been well i have prayed for everyone. I am learning to lean on prayer ALOT!!!
this week for me has been an interesting one. I am happy to report tjat my H has been off the P all week. This makes 7 days today. And i slmost can't believe it. I sm still trying not to get my hopes up to high because i know its a battle and i know how hard it is..
He has been kinda distant this week not mean or unkind just... well like je will only say i love you.. if i say it first.. but instead of letting the devil win at a new battle i have decided to jyst give my husband some room and pray that as his struggle gets easier he will come around. Today he us a little better than even yesterday. Thank you Jesus!
Is it normal for him to be distant while fighting this???
I kinda feel he us trying to be mad at me for it and for praying for him so boldly right before he gi8es to the back to relax . I just feel its when god wants me to pray for him... even though lately i pray for him pretty much all the time!
Kevineskay, Thank you for everything you shared with me. I never really understood it but im starting to and with all your guys help im learning how to handle him when he tries to blame me...i have choosen to be as loving as possible and give this sometime. Him trying this week lile he has.. well made me realize maybe he really does love me and he doesn't want this for his life. Before he just seemed so cold and just like he decided this was his life and P was what he wanted. God willing.. with all the prayer.. God is transforming his heart.
I want to tell you guys thank you.. from the botyom of my heart.. i have little support at home to cope with this and the 2 people i do have i feel are tired of hearing about it and just wish i would walk away. My H is not all bad. I know the man he is capable of being. I just want to make sure we've given it everything we got. 27 years is a long time to walk away from. Then their is also the pesky little problem of loving him... lol!
Anyways, just thank you all so much for the support. Not sure i would make it without it!
You all have a blessed day.. Ttyl I'll be praying for everyone. ((Hugs)) GHP
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