Just dont understand

I can tell you guys this..i am blessed everyday by all the wisdom, kindness and tough love i am given from you guys on here everyday. Can't say thank you enough.

Gracey,i am usually a straight forward person my self. Especially if were real goid friends. So.. no worries!! i don't take offense, if something is ment to be said out of concern or said to me loving,and respectful i can take just about anything that is expressed to me. i mean i am putting my life out their for you guys to help and have an opinion. I have never been on a chat before. I just figured their has got to be more people out their that suffer the way i do and can understand and offer me some guidance.
I know down deep that what you are saying to me is right! Its just taking my head a minute to wrap around it and my heart along time to accept it. My son gave me some very tough love too this weekend. He is aware of the issues and does not like it.
Everyone says I'm very different now from the confident, happy , secure woman i used to be. You can only hit something with a hammer so long before it is nothing like it used to be. its left distorted, disfigured.. warped. Nothing like what it once was. His constant sexual sin and selfishness agains me and our marriage has been that hammer.

You are absolutely right about my good weeks and good days are usually only good if he is getting what he wants.. i constantly submit to him and not in the good way..I'm realizing! I submit in everyway.. what we eat, what we watch on tv, what we do, just pretty much everything!

Im doing my best to stay in gods word and read the Bible and get what counseling i can from reading books and stuff.. still working on finding a counselor. God willing with all tbe insurance changes and financial changes were about to go threw. Hopefully i will be able to afford it.

He holds all the little things against me. Which i find humorous because i haven't begun to hold the little things that he does against him. I haven't began to be as horrible and evil as i could be if i let the anger start to take control. I just keep treat him in the way i would want to be treated but usually i am not treated as good.

I am gonna rest. I pray i sleep for a week. I need it! Im so tired right now..

Oh Boy! Amy chewing head off gummy bears sounds like fun... oh!! Or breaking dishes.. i would love to just throw everything againt a wall and watch it shatter. That would help relieve some tention!

Love, Hugs, prayers To everyone!

GHP ~ when you mentioned breaking dishes it made me think of this:

Grab a plate and throw it on the floor.
~ Okay,done.
~ Did it break?
~ Yes.
~ Now, say sorry to it.
~ Sorry.
~ Did it go back to how it was before?
~ No.
~ Do you understand?

I love that! Sometimes I want to break plates over my husbands head and then say "ooops, I am sorry", and then scurry out of the room to eat Gummie Bears. (I am Kiddind, I think)

Prayers, love, and hugs from me too! It absolutely is not your fault at all. Knowing that only helps so much, though. We are all in the same boat here. It's painful and it sucks. My heart goes out to you.

You're welcome, sweetie. As always, I read these posts and nod vigorously through all of them. Every time I have caught my husband and brought it to his attention in the past, he finds something to blame on me. Either I'm not watching my weight since our wedding (note that even before I caught him last June he was careful to tell me that I'm cute, but not hot - that was a tough one to hear, but notice he married me anyway and even proposed to me after he had told me that) or I'm doing something else wrong.

In reality, he has been doing this long before he met me, through every girlfriend he has ever had. It's why he is so immature. This (in different ways, since the internet has only existed for so many years) is how he has dealt with stress probably since childhood. It's natural as anything for him to twist things around, gaslight, and shift blame like that. It's never his fault for doing anything wrong. It's my fault for bringing it to his attention.

But, I've never known anything different. I started working on my own issues (why I'm drawn to addicts and always seem to wind up with them) 2 1/2 years ago, but even that is a delicate process because it's a balancing act between figuring out what my unhealthy behaviors really are and avoiding taking the blame for things that are not my fault. I was/am getting better, though. In fact, I had made so much progress that I thought I would not wind up with yet another addict. I was wrong, and my path to him was littered with red flags that, in hindsight, should have sent me running and screaming from him. Still, God has a purpose for my life. He has a purpose for ALL our lives, and ALL things (even these bad ones) will work for our good.

My heart goes out to each and every one of you. It also goes out to myself, as I have to make it a practice to keep it mind that I am a valuable person who, despite knowing of this problem when I matted my husband, does not deserve it. He lied to me and told me he was addressing it. He still lies to me. And NOBODY deserves this.

It may seem that I don't have respect for my husband, and that, although he doesn't realize it, I am the head of my house. I want to respect him, though, and I want him to take that role from me. I pray for my husband to get better and to mature. He did go to his first treatment session at a local Christian addictions treatment ministry, and he has, for now, agreed to go back weekly. I pray for him constantly. I pray for my marriage to survive this. I do not want to get divorced again. But if God allows that to happen, He must have a reason for it. God has revealed to me that he does not want me to keep allowing this sin to exist in my home. I pray that it goes and my husband stays. I pray for healing for all of us. And I thank God for all of you. Let God's will be done, and help me to trust you Lord.

It's a hard road either way. It's easy for people to say things like "Why don't you just leave?", as though that would be the end of all our problems and pain. The first and best thing my program did for me was take the pressure off because I don't HAVE to do anything. My husband's problens are not mine to solve or make easier on him. THAT is the main thing I'm working on. I prayed (and still pray) for God to lead me and help me listen to His directives. What he has revealed to me is personal and individual. I pray I don't push my own agenda so much that I get in the way of His works, and I would never judge anyone for staying or leaving a PA/SA. I also pray that we all lose our fear of demanding that we be treated properly (I, too, had initially felt bad about looking at my husband's phone, but that is small potatoes compared to what I keep finding on it.)

For example, on top of the emotional pain of all this, I am recovering from a bad cold that could have (but thankfully did not) turn into pneumonia. When I told my husband that I thought I had pneumonia, he responded by telling me he was bummed because his mother had gotten on his case about this and he was having a bad day. I replied with "I really don't care how this is making YOU feel. I'm done protecting you and that includes my justifiably telling your mother that you might need to stay with her for a while because you looked at porn again. I just told you I might have pneumonia on top of all this stress. Try asking me how I'm feeling."

I'm not saying do that, exactly. But I am saying that God will lead us all to better things and tell us all what to do in our unique, although similar situations. I'm here if you need to talk. Sending you prayers and love as well.

My H agreed yo do mike's work book for couples with me.. so thats a positive!