Hey guys...
Thank you guys for sharing Amy and Kevin.
You guys always really make me think with what you have gone threw and the things you have overcome. You guys are doing good work on here. Lots of knowledge to learn from!
Well, i wish i had good news but i dont...my husband and i had a good week... or so i thought. Saturday night my husband got upset because once he had fell asleep i moved his phone up to the front with me.Ā I don't mean for it to be controlling. I just figured if he wakes up in the middle of the night like he has in the past and reaches for it. Their will be less temptation if its not their and i get such bad anxiety when im driving thinking about what if he wakes up and starts looking at stuff that i didn't think it would be a big deal if he is asleep to move his phone
Up front with me so i could have peaceĀ while i drive... so i could just let the bad thpughts escape my mind.
I was wrong he was upset and told me not to bother his phone. I said if you will let me explain he would understand that i didn't mean to cause a problem. He said he didnt want any explanation and i said we had a good week and progress was made we were happy so i didnt want to fight over something so small.. he said you were happy this week i was not.
I said what?
? I was here with you. You were clearly happy unless you were faking it. He said I'mĀ not gonna talk about it and im not gonna answer any questions . He said he wanted to think. I was left dazed and confused!
About an hour and a half goes by and i say we have gotta talk. Reluctantly he dies and he says... he wants me to stop moving his phone and he says their are alot of little things that are bothering me like.. i did what you asked and i stopped looking at stuff sitting right next to you... so now your taking my phone so were or how do you expect me to do anything that i "enjoy". I said i thought you were obstaining from P use... he said I'm not anymore ... i said why ?? He said because of you and whst you do. You just push and push, with the prayers and bringing it up to me. I ssid i havent pushed nothing.. i said i have only encouraged your victory over this and told you i respected your struggle.. he said that's what i mean pushing it!
At this point i was just dumb founded because i listed to whst Amy said and i didnt get overly emotional or gushy. I just ststed my that he was regaining my respect with every day he fights to be clean... and i mentioned to him that as this progresses this will get hard white knuckling it and that Kevin suggest getting proper support and that he didn't have to be ashamed or embarrassed to talk to someone because other people struggle to. He daid nothing so i left it at that..
A little later he says.. i told you this will always be a problem and that once we get back on the rig after our days off this time he is gonna do what he wants and start viewing stuff again. SO... i told him that if this was gonna be the way he was gonna be that i wanted off the rig... and not when its convenient but now!
That this is killing me and affecting me physically , emotionally and mentally and what i am being subjected to is very unhealthy for me. He says he understands and has been thinking i needed off the rig to.
I said so you would rather have your P and MB then have me on the rig... he says YES!
I said so why cant you jusy continue to obstain from it since you hsve already done it a week... he said good question.. and then said i dont really habe an answer for that.. he said just because i guess... i said so our relationship is not worth it to you... he ssid i wouldnt say that but i really dont know.....
So thats were i find myself at this morning... and i am so frustrated and upset by it!
But like you guys have said.. his words and actions dont match because then were at home he is very attentive and he rubs my back and worries if i have an upset stomach because of stress.. he actually told me he loved me.. which he hasn't done in a while without me saying it first.. which makes me feel more confused... ugh!!!!Ā
This change is gonna cause us big financial issue's so im sure he will figure out a way to blame me for that to. He wont realize that his addiction is destroying our foundation and keeping us from being one.... and a good team! He wont accept responsibility for it at all im sure... it will just be one more reason to add to his long list of reasons to resent me.
Kevin, my husband says he has goals and he says he has a relationship to god..
His goals are to start a small homebased buisness.. i have supported this dream several times and continue to. I have helped him and sacrificed in everyway i know how to get him where he wants to be. The last attempt ended in epic failure and all on his part.
We quit our jobs, we investedĀ time and money, we gotĀ educated, spent lots of time with people who had success in the field and when it came time to preform he choked. I was doing well but he really struggled. I had never seen that from him before. It almost felt like what i would imagine a midlife crisis to be like. I was super worried about him and I didn't belittle him or get angry. I continue to support him and then he mad the decision to just stop doing it completely so in order to survive and deal with the added debtĀ we had to get back on a rig.. which is something i didnt want to do. But i supported him and did it anyways..Ā
He says to this day that i was fully invested and fully supportive that itĀ was all him...
The thanks i got from all my love devotion and support was for him to try a cheat on me with soliciting s*x from a woman on craigslist. Here we are again him wanting to try a new homebased buisness and i am being supportive even though i have reservations about it bevause i don't want to be hurt again. He has invested a small amount of money and lityle effort but is already seeming to hold himself back. I told him that i felt as long as he had the sin in his life daily by using the P and MB and having marital issue with me thst he is blicking his life from truely being the way he wants it to be. That he needed to stop turning away from god and repent... he said he already knew that and didnt need to be told it by me. I told him to stop it then ... he basically said he doesn't want to he enjoys it!
He does have emotional and communication issue's that stem from his childhood. He doesn't have a good relationship with his family and acts like he really doesn't give a crap and when i challenge him on this he says i need to get it threw my head he really doesn't care if things ever get straight with his family!
He doesn't respect his father or mother and hates if i say he is like his dad or thst our marriage is turning out to be like his parents with all the P use and him shutting me out like his family does him! I jave behged him to work threw his childhood issue.. he refuses to do internal work on his life and dig deep. He says he is not a deep person and i am to deep of a person sometimes.
He acts like a teenager that knows it all.. everything he should be doing to have the life he wants but acts out instead of actually using his knowledge. He told me a little while back that he knew all the problems in our marriage were basically his fault. That he was really trying to ask himself did he want to be married and he does! Does he really want to be with me... he does! But yet continues to destroy it or sabotage it....
I am not a perfect woman but i am WILLING TO DO WHAT IT TAKES... i do make tons of effort to be good to my husbsnd, loving, respectful, to trust him, i stich myself up over and over and over again after everytime he slices my heart open with his mistake's or his sin. I try and deal with him in the way god wants me to and not out of anger. I am willing and able to be a team mate threw the tough storms of life . I am a good wife! A good woman! But he just doesn't seem to care... or as he says"Ā i care... but just not that much"
Im so tired.. i havent slept much in like 24hours..he is sound askeep like he doesn't have a care in the world... I have no idea how im gonna do this.
I guess it really all comes down to " HE LOVES HIS P AND MB AND LIFE OF SIN MORE THAN HE LOVES ME"
I aked him the question of did he love the P more than me and his answer was i don't know....
I guess that should be my answer. If he cant immediately say no.. i love you more than anything. Then i guess that should be my answer.. and that cut is very deep!
Hugs, love and Prayers
GHP