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Post by Will on May 22, 2018 2:09:47 GMT -7
Hi guys,
just checking in as its been a week since my last one. Was not going to but then thought, really I should. Especially as I just narrowly avoided stumbling just then, about 10 minutes ago (praise God for Jesus' strength to resist!) I have a youtube account with a bunch of subscriptions for Rugby League content - this is on my 'whitelist' of subject matter that is okay to watch. Basically there should be nothing but games, highlights of games, people talking about players, etc, on there. Was watching some updates and then bam right on the frontpage is a video called '18+ Girl Fails' whose thumbnail image is a woman in a wet top almost exposing herself. I clicked on it but then moved to a different tab. Thankfully a few minutes later praise God came to my senses and remembered the 'wide berth' rule and was able to tab back and close the window.
Disappointed that I clicked on it, of course the enemy knows how to throw such evil at us when we're going good. he has no new tricks and when we resist him he flees from us, because Jesus Christ of Nazareth is Truth and has already defeated him.
For me, the danger point is when things are going well and I'm getting complacent and arrogant. Last week I was still massively struggling in life and was just being attacked from all sides. This week thank God the fruit of some sobriety has brought some blessings from the Lord and things are quieter, mercifully. That is of course why the attack from the enemy who was defeated. Praise God for Revelation 20: "And the devil that deceived them was cast into the lake of fire and brimstone, where the beast and the false prophet are, and shall be tormented day and night for ever and ever."
Also have been really struggling with the issue of whether I'm really saved or not. I think I am or will be because Jesus is good and loves us and promised to finish the good work He started and that those who seek shall find. But am aware that some people have absolute assurance of salvation. I don't have that, and still struggle with issues in my soul.
A wonderful thing about having a bit of sobriety is increased clarity. Realise how much of the last 13 years as a professing Christian I have spent doing things for God out of the flesh and what 'I think' God would want. And wow how much of them have totally failed or been vain efforts. Realise how pointless it is trying to serve the Lord without the Holy Spirit's clear guidance, to hear Him and listen and be directed by what God wants in that situation at that time. Praying for a closer and more intimate relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ, to be saved or to know that I am saved, and to be filled with the Holy Spirit.
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Post by savedbygrace on May 22, 2018 5:00:37 GMT -7
Praying for a closer and more intimate relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ, to be saved or to know that I am saved, and to be filled with the Holy Spirit. Amen! As you walk with Him each day, may He grant you that! |
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Post by Deleted on May 22, 2018 18:47:02 GMT -7
What I have found in my walk is that people who are trying to walk with Christ and are questioning their salvation are saved. The questioning is either the Holy Spirit trying to get your attention about an area in your life that needs changing or it is Satan trying to get you to doubt and give up.
You are making progress Will. It wasn't too long ago that you wouldn't have turned from that video. Good job. Praise God!
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Post by Will on May 22, 2018 22:01:22 GMT -7
Thanks guys! Really appreciate the support! : )
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Post by Will on May 30, 2018 2:01:33 GMT -7
Hi guys, time for a weekly check-in. Well things have been going well. 5 weeks tomorrow God willing. Struggling a lot today. God has blessed me in many ways recently and as always I'm having a hard time accepting His blessings! I think for some of us with low self-esteem we are just not comfortable with things going well and feeling successful. It makes me somewhat uneasy and fearful and jumpy. I have to learn to accept that God loves me, as He loves all of us, that He IS love, so it's okay to just accept that. Many years of rejection, isolation and loneliness has made me a horrible, thick skin of cynicism and bravado, I find it hard to accept basking in God's grace, and not keep trying to earn it or recoil from it. Also the fear has me jumping to 'over-praying' in a superstitious way, keep cancelling prayers and starting them again, because I didn't do them right! Pretty crazy. The enemy is still attacking me with the 'are you really saved?' thing. Less so but still there. Guess the good side is that the 'coal-face' of this addiction for me is coming up now. Whenever hit the place where I have not been before - this is about the longest period of cleanliness (not indulging lustful thoughts or at least rejecting them and asking Jesus to take them away when I realise they are there) since the age of about 10 years old. So the enemy is really throwing everything at me (spiritually) to destabilise me. I just have to remember Jesus. Not the idea but the real man. That I committed the crime and deserved to go to the cross but He took my punishment for me, even unto death, so that I could go free. Know that the way to be free is love and gratitude to the Lord Jesus for that, and the encouragement from glimpses of His Kingdom and its beauty and light, and the blessed hope for the future. Still struggling! But the Lord Jesus is my strength and keeps me going  |
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Post by Will on Jun 5, 2018 23:59:30 GMT -7
Hi guys, well I stumbled on Saturday and again on Sunday  Just wasn't vigilant enough and not remembering actually what I just wrote in that last post - that this weekend would be under a lot of attack because it would be the longest period of sobriety for me ever. As usual tiredness was the main thing that weakened my defenses, and complacency - forgetting the 'zero tolerance' rule. But at the end the real reason has to come down to my own wicked heart and its lust and selfishness. God really blessed me yesterday. After a clean day on Monday, well it's very difficult after this happens to motivate and be obedient, because of the self-loathing that comes along. After work I was heading that direction again, just not enough willpower to fight against the temptation. But before I had a chance to look at anything, the phone went and it was a good friend of mine that haven't spoken to for months calling to catch up at exactly that moment. This is at least the third time God has blessed me that way, with moving a friend to call me right then. Thanks God! I should be thankful that the periods of sobriety are getting longer and there is progress. Just disappointing not to be past this already. God is good and merciful and am praying to Him to give me the strength that I don't have, especially not this week. |
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Post by savedbygrace on Jun 6, 2018 6:33:17 GMT -7
Yes, I too am very familiar with the self-loathing. Thanks to God for that friend, and the timing! I find that many miracles God does in my life are miracles of timing. Just that reminder that He loves you and cares about the battle you are in! Praying today will be good! May God encourage your heart. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 6, 2018 7:20:58 GMT -7
God Bless that friend!
Oh yeah the self loathing is probably the worst thing to deal with after a stumble. Put your armor on and stand under God's grace.
I will be praying that God strengthens you this week.
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Post by Will on Jun 6, 2018 22:34:45 GMT -7
Thanks guys!
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Post by Will on Jun 21, 2018 1:20:48 GMT -7
Hi guys,
well its been a couple of weeks since I last posted on here. Still struggling, succeeding more often than failing. I got to 37 days then stumbled. Had a strange few weeks really. Extremely difficult situation at work. My company does not seem to be run very well. They keep losing big clients and seems to be close to sliding into freefall. A couple of weeks ago 3 people were suddenly fired, including the other member of my team. So everything is changing and not really for the better. Have kept my job thank God, but barely and the atmosphere there is pretty terrible! Everyone looking over their shoulder and expecting the worst. The whole office now is only 12 people! On top of that of course there is now a ton of extra work for each person to do, so quite full on.
Have felt really under attack spiritually as well. I think this is a good thing, have felt closer to the Lord Jesus recently and that is wonderful, and the enemy has really been throwing a lot at me because of it and that is kind of fine because he can't win.
A number of Christian friends have pointed out how important it is to read and or hear the Word daily. Am trying to make reading the Word of God the last thing I do before sleep, and listen to the Word read aloud on the way to work. It really is a great strength and a sword (of course!)
Also got a sponsor!! A brother and Deacon at my Church, Joe, agreed to sponsor me and said I could call him if felt weak and likely to fall. Very blessed.
God bless you all, Praise God!!!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2018 11:27:49 GMT -7
Sorry you are under so much stress lately. I will be praying for a good solution for you on your job situation.
I am very grateful to our Lord for bringing you a sponsor! What a blessing that is! Be sure to contact him at least weekly even if you are doing well.
Praying for you brother.
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Post by Will on Jun 22, 2018 15:33:44 GMT -7
Thanks Amy!
Thankfully see Joe every Sunday at fellowship. Actually can report a really blessed experience when I confessed this sin to my brother. Had already told a sister at the Church about it in relation to my becoming a member. She was also there and we had a wonderful fellowship together discussing not only that but many other things also.
A great spiritual help and like a 'punch' of the Holy Spirit came from the meeting. Praise God.
It truly is a blessing to confess our sins one to another.
Thank you Jesus!
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Post by Will on Jul 3, 2018 0:02:47 GMT -7
Hi guys,
well its time for my Tuesday check-in. Things going okay praise God, but had a VERY close near miss yesterday. At Church on Sunday the Pastor asked for people to come up and give their testimony. The Holy Spirit prompted me to go up. I gave my testimony and it was a blessing - there's quite a bit of difficult-to-talk-about stuff in my life, but everyone there was a beloved brother and sister in Christ and I was okay about being completely honest about some things that I haven't really in that way before. Two others gave their blessed testimonies as well, and it was great!
However, the fellowship was kind of spoilt, partly by me. We had ANOTHER members meeting following the service to talk about how to deal with the wicked Baptist Association basically trying to shut us down. After giving that testimony, I really wasn't in any fit state to be getting involved in some political discussion, and should have sat back and been quiet. Instead though I ended up getting involved and was probably a bit unfair to one of the Ladies there. Anyway it didn't go well and was a really emotionally difficult thing for me, after having poured my heart out.
So of course the next day after work (that sucked), I was feeling dejected and sorry for myself again 'oh why doesn't anything go right' kind of stuff. And got close to looking at inappropriate videos on Youtube. Also lost control of my imagination for about half an hour. The Holy Spirit remembered me to pray though, and the Lord snapped me out of it. Thank you Jesus! Am stoked to have remained free from watching something really unclean, it really was the Lord who made the difference.
Please pray for me on Thursday. Am going for deliverance prayer, hoping for a big breakthrough against the enemy's bindings, by the Blood of the Lamb.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2018 7:40:52 GMT -7
Sounds like you had a breakthrough already. Instead of giving in, you prayed and that is a breakthrough! I am praying for you to continue to have these breakthroughs and I will pray for God to deliver you from this sin in His way. That could be one small step at a time or one huge leap. Just remember that God is faithful even when we don't have things go the way we expect or want them to.
You were vague on what was said during your members meeting. So I am going to ask one thing and I am not expecting a response to it. It's between you, God and the woman. Do you need to apologize to her for the way you treated her?
Have a Blessed day brother.
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Post by Will on Jul 5, 2018 5:23:32 GMT -7
Hi Amy, yes you are right about that, I have apologised, we had a blessed reconciliation and prayer meeting on Wednesday  Praise God for the Holy Spirit! |
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