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Post by Deleted on May 11, 2016 22:40:45 GMT -7
To clarify, all signs on sky and earth say that I'm not a sex or PMO addict any more. For example I have my free choice again. If I did PMO it would be my complete free choice, without compulsion.
I feel like a surviver from Titanic. Now I only understand all addicts, all sorts of them - drug, eating, computer games, workaholics....because most of my life I had been one of them.
One can I say - all the people who are not addicted think that it's only a decision. An act of will. If you really want you can be free, you don't need to do what kills you and your nearest.
But I say if you have cancer can your will help you? Obese people being accused of eating too much. What do they do? They try to loose their weight for decades...
What is free will? People think we have this because God gave it to us. But we often forget that we lost our ability to freely choose in the garden of Eden. We have only some rests of the pristine free will.
You feel sad, angry, disappointed.... Try to command your mind to change the emotions, use your ,,free,, will.
So far as people don't understand that the ability to choice is given them by God in an honest prayer in faith, they won't be free and healed. Free will is a temporary grace of God. We people only think that we posses our mind and body. The truth is - we are possessed by our mind and body. We are their slaves.
That's why we need Jesus.
It's not useful to accuse addicts. This won't give them the power or motivation because accusations apeal to free will. But they don't have one.
So, wives of addicts, the only thing you can do for your (former) man is to pray and
The only thing you can do for your healing and happiness is to pray. Prayer brings salvation.
That's why telling or not telling the wive about this addiction brings NOTHING besides giving or not the cruel information.
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2016 19:32:28 GMT -7
Your explanation of addiction is eye-opening for me. I would be interested to know if you think that some/all of these addictions are demonic in nature? Not necessarily possession, but influence?
The reason I ask is because I know the potential for every conceivable sin lies within each of our own depraved minds and bodies. I have dealt with several addictions throughout my life, but each time I have been able to moderate behavior and then stop. I know now that it was only because I have Christ dwelling in me. I don't believe a truly saved person can be possessed, but may be influenced and controlled by a demon. I know we all suffer temptation, from the flesh and from Satan, but I am talking about a specific, familiar spirit assigned to one person. Just curious, thoughts anyone?
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2016 19:39:51 GMT -7
Quick question. My husband has repeatedly lied and refuses to come clean on his own. He states that he just cannot see himself confessing to me, mostly due to obvious and various fears. But is it God's will for a husband to keep the wife in fear, in order to keep himself from having fear himself? I know this is a different take on the topic. But a lot of times this is not our first discovery of our husband's behavior.
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Post by Deleted on May 13, 2016 4:18:26 GMT -7
the fathers of my church say that moderate, rather weak temptations come from our flesh but sudden, strong, violent, longlasting come from devil.
As I was an addict I always experienced strong urges, temptations after some days of sobriety, so I think it was infuence of devil. Usually, after about 3-6 weeks of sobriety I had extremely sharp urges one day. It was so strong and sudden of nowhere and almost irresistible. It was often connected with sudden panick attack in the middle of the night. I felt then as if a terrifying creature was in my room. My fear was enormous. So this link - strong urges and fear caused that it was for me extremely difficult to continue sobriety. I couldn't stand these emotions and body reactions so I always gave up. I think it was a job of the devil. After my healing I haven't experienced such attacks anymore. Jesus has exiled the evil.
,,But is it God's will for a husband to keep the wife in fear, in order to keep himself from having fear himself?,,
I think if a husband confesses or not the fear will be in both - him and his wife. Fear is a consequence of every sin. So the will of God is don't sin and if you do this you have no problem with fears.
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Post by Deleted on May 13, 2016 5:40:04 GMT -7
Welcome beauty. I have to agree with Dan. Fear is always present when you are dealing with sin. God's will is for us not to sin. However we are sinners. So how are we suppose to handle our sins? We are to repent and ask forgiveness from each other not just God. Your husband should be repenting to you and asking for forgiveness. That builds trust and helps rebuild a broken relationship.
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Post by Deleted on May 15, 2016 2:27:52 GMT -7
they may be a slave to the sin but they choose to lie and to offer all the false reassurance, to provide 'evidence' that they are Godly now. If only they could have been honest that they cannot fight this alone, and begged us, please secure the pc! Please take off that TV channel! But no. The slavery to porn might be out of their control at its worst. But the choice to hide it and fabricate an illusion for us, is intentional, and therein lies the greatest harm for us as wives. The hiding.
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2016 0:28:30 GMT -7
That's why telling or not telling the wive about this addiction brings NOTHING besides giving or not the cruel information. Dan, it gives a wife or future wife the CHOICE to make decisions healthy for her In no way should a recovering drug addict/alcoholic/ child abuser enter into marriage without letting his fiancee know his past. If she decides she can live with his past and take the risk, thats her decision. But porn, you think he should not tell? Its so dangerous to a wife's wellbeing. We go into marriage naiveley believing our men have pure hearts when they DONT! That is wrong ! The first emotion i felt when i discovered what my husband was into, was TRICKED and TRAPPED I had no idea he had that in him, whether or not he had fully intended to stop and love me and forsake all others I knew he had had other lovers before. I knew he had done things i was morally completely against, but those things were in his past and i accpeted them. If I had known, the extent of his pornography habit, i would have had freedom to choose what i was getting myself into 8 years of lies , 8 years of betrayals, 8 years of opening to all kinds of demonic influence. 8 years of a defiled marriage bed, a child caught up in this horrendous pain. You surely cant say that telling a wife brings nothing of benefit. It brings the cruel information WE NEED to decide whether to keep yoked to these men. I decided to, because it was too late. I was already yoked. But given the choice, i would never have married a man who had such porn issues. Not in a million years. I would have rather stayed single. |
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2016 21:55:02 GMT -7
Ellekay,
I agree with you. We are talking from two different perspectives. Notice that I said - telling the WIFE brings nothing.
Before marriage you are not a wife.
As a fiancee you have to know in order to choice.
As a wife with children, in my oppinion the knowledge brings you and your children NOTHING beside destruction.
I don't say a wife should stay with her addicted husband and he can wallow in his addiction.
I say this addiction, this marriage, this couple, these children, this family can be healed, set free. What is impossible to average people is possible to the followers of Christ because of Christ. The only obstacle or set of obstacles is husband' and / or wife's lack of trust.Trust in Him and whatever He said.
No Christian wife should think that the only solution is divorce, separation or that nothing can be changed because it's as if you said - Jesus, You cannot help me and my family here, You are powerless in this case.
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2016 0:26:58 GMT -7
i dont think any Christian wife on here has suggested the only solution is divorce, but i think all of us agree that secrecy is the most harmful aspect of this addiction for a wife. It is the secrecy and lies that most often that results in divorce - not the porn- as trust is impossible to regain.
There can be freedom and ressurection of the marriage. But not if its foundation is in secrets and lies.
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2016 5:23:06 GMT -7
So, tell me what would you choose if you didn't know about your husband's addiction?
1. Your husband telling you nothing about his addiction but simultanesly having beat it succesfully after some longer struggle, being free from this sin.
2. Your husband struggling unsuccesfully with this addiction but informing you about his failures. And so on year after year without much improvement.
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2016 5:34:07 GMT -7
I know the question you asked Dan was not directed at me but I want to answer it from my point of view. I would not choose either of those options you listed. I would instead choose one that wasn't listed. For my husband to tell me of his addiction and with the Lord's help fight free of it.
One thing that has been overlooked is the fact that addictions rarely stay hidden. It is better for the addict to tell the truth than for them to lie and cover it up and then get found out by their spouse. These things have a habit of being brought into the light one way or another. It is more damaging to the relationship for the spouse to discover the truth and realize that they have been lied to.
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2016 5:50:54 GMT -7
Amymine,
I didn't get found out. I had told my wife about my active addiction but it didn't protect her. She suffered all the things you wives describe here. So where is the difference if the results are the same?
If a husband tells or not is without meaning because his sinful deeds still kill the both the spouses,family, society....
It's impossible that secrecy is the most harmful aspect of this addiction for a wife.
It's infidelity, faithlessness, strong desire for other women, dreams about perfectly beautiful ones...., aren't they?
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2016 6:05:54 GMT -7
if it were possible for a man to quickly beat his addiction with Gods help alone, after being convicted of his sin, then I can see why it would be less harmful in some ways not to tell. If it happened, its dealt with, nothing was suspected, its in the past, I can see why it would make sense not to hurt her
Unfortunately this is not usually the case. a wife KNOWS something is up. She is having bad dreams. Things seem off. if she doesnt know its him, she thinks its her. She also needs severe spiritual help as her soul has been exposed to all that filth.
Aside from that, being instantly healed is , i believe, unheard of. So the wife will continue to be in an unpure marriage. She will sense it in the marriage bed, believe me. A husband struggling with this sin tends to have many other destructive character traits . If a wife is unaware what the underlying problem is, much communication will be 'off' somehow. She will not even know the battle she and her husband are in.
Oh if only it could be dealt with and not affect the marriage at all, your view may be more credible to me Dan. But it just doesnt work that way.
Ignorance might be nice, but its not truth. I wish I could have kept my illusion of marriage , but it wasnt true. I'm about truth.
As for you regretting the harm you caused by telling Dan..well thats like wishing there were no consequences for your sin. Sin harms people. It harmed your wife. Thats the way sin works.
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2016 6:19:58 GMT -7
I don't say it'll be good if you don't tell.
I say it'll be less harmful provided you honestly fight this sin with Jesus. Here is the difference.
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2016 6:27:10 GMT -7
ok. I agree it could be less harmful. But it wouldnt be good. It wouldnt be true. It wouldnt be right.
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