To Tell or Not To Tell

"Then it occured that the men one after the other had so called slips.... Their wives started to be less and less supportive and understanding .... Then there were huge quarrels ... sometimes separations, ....devorces...then the men started gradually to disappear from the forums never coming back or very rarely coming back after some longer time."


as you say. there are slips. This is how wives usually find out. porn addiction has a way of coming back. so chances are even if you keep it secret, your wife will find out.

we believe it when our christian men promise to forsake all others. we do not expect them to be involved with something so shocking and vile. We dont 'become less understanding' because our men are being honest. We simply cannot be married and in union with these virtual prostitutes any more. It destroys our souls. To say we leave because we have been given information we shouldnt have, is unfair. We should have had disclosure of what we were joining our souls to in the first place

the only instance i would say not to tell, is if you are in a new relationship, realise you have a problem, and beat it successfully and for a long time way before making a commitment. Other than that, you are not giving your wife the information so vital to her decision to stay in an adulterous relationship

believe me the spiritual consequences are real and severe. When we marry our souls are joined, and what you see with your eyes, we see with our soul. I would see full screen shots in my sleep of exactly what my husband was viewing. God was warning me I was opened up to all those vile things in my spirit. Its also not uncommon for children of the porn user to have nightmares.

lets turn it the other way. if your kind, quiet christian wife was sleeping with other men, trying to stop but failing would you really rather stay ignorant? Really? Something that would redefine the whole marriage as you knew it? I think you should know so you can have the freedom to make choices in the marriage. Same for us alongside the thousands of women we see as you chosing over us

We are writting about two different aspects of this addiction. First, I stated only that telling the wife doesn't mean that it'll heal you both or will cause your sobriety.

You're writing about consequences of this addiction. I agree with you here. But if I tell the wife or not it won't stop the horrible destroying results of the sin for all the family and even society.

I agree that before the marriage the addict should tell his partner about it so that could choose if she wants to risk (if she is wise she should leave him ). The marriage wouldn't be valid if he didn't tell.

What I wrote is about how it is useful to tell the wife if you truly want to quit the addiction. Here the only solution is Jesus' help not human's one.

If you are a believer, married, with children it's better to honestly fight this addiction together with the Lord and not tell the wife.

It's enough that a man will do what Jesus said and he will be free, even cured as in my case. I did so and now my marriage is not destroyed by this addiction.And only Jesus can guaranty that my marriage will be successful. Providing that I will listen to Him, believe in all He said and do what He said. It's enough for both spouses anf family .Nothing else is needed or useful.

I completely agree with this. My partner has taken the "if I don't talk about it, it doesn't matter" approach. If he only knew how he is cheating himself out of complete love, acceptance, and intimacy. He is blind to how his actions affect me. There is a reserved part of me that will never fully trust him.

The other day, I was able to state an analogy that hit him close to home. I thought he would finally understand the pain I feel. He ended up being angry towards me for expressing my feelings. A relationship is only as good as the risk involved... and that risk is truth.

I have read and reread this thread several times, before deciding to respond. I will be totally honest as a wife, knowing what I know now about SA and the mind boggling nightmare I am living in.

I have told a few close friends during heart to heart talks, that if it were possible for me to go back in time and NEVER find out about my husband's addiction, I would gladly go back.

I say this from a totally hypothetical and selfish perspective, but it's true. I know that it is impossible to do, but in light of what my daughter and I have suffered, I would gladly have a lobotomy tomorrow. The crushing devastation that I felt and still feel is beyond comprehension, beyond any hope of reconciliation, beyond description.

To go from fairy tale to living nightmare has been the worst hell I have ever experienced thus far, including the death of my brother and parents. Unlike Dan and Armor, my husband showed only a brief remorse at getting caught, then proceeded to isolate himself emotionally from me because I could not give him trust quickly enough. It is a complete catch 22...he is under scrutiny and I am the police, a horrible feeling for both of us.

He abandoned us 8 months ago. I finally got to speak my mind to him last Saturday, and all I wanted to know was, " Why did you marry me?" He said, "Because I love you." Maddening! SAs are devoid of the ability to experience real love because of the nature of their addiction. He is SO self deluded, that he actually thinks he loves me, yet he has done NOTHING to demonstrate that for 8 months. It is all lip service meant to deflect blame and discomfort.

To clarify, I am glad I found out about my husband, because he was putting me and my daughter in danger. Would I have married him if I had found out beforehand? Absolutely NOT. So herein lies the key to this whole discussion. CHOICE.

He robbed me of the opportunity to know the truth. He selfishly involved me and my daughter in an ungodly lifestyle with NO regard for the toll his deceit would take. He committed fraud on the altar when he promised to honor and love only me. As far as I am concerned, he is a criminal.

Any man that thinks that he can conceal his sin to spare his wife is actually compounding the problem, and setting himself up for a failure of epic proportions. He is insulting the vows that he took with her, and he is putting almighty God to the test.

A single man isn't in a triune covenant relationship with God and wife, but if we are born again, and choose to join a local church, we become a part of THAT body, thus becoming accountable for our conduct. The apostle Paul preached strongly against the danger of sexual sin, particularly in the church. We must all answer to God one day, and when I am tempted to sin or do something I am unsure about, I ask myself, "Does this glorify God?"

My marriage is over, though I prayed for one year for God to grant a miracle. My husband STILL has shown no remorse or even aplogized for what he has done. YES, I would like to erase the past. NO, I did not want this divorce, but my husband's choices have brought me here...a choice that I was not allowed to make.

Bless you Brave for your kind words. Your affirmation of the struggle reminds ME that there are those who are willing to fight the good fight, and to keep trying even when it is at great personal cost.

Your description of insanity rings very true, for me and for him. Our behavior became so jaded, calculated and deliberate until it was hard to tell what was real and what was purely contrived. The sense of reality and freedom is completely lost in the maddening swirl of emotions. Thank you for saying that, the comment helped give me sense of clarity.

I just got up from the floor in prayer...I prayed for everyone on this site I could think of by name and in general...brave, amy, elle, hope, steve, armor, dan. This is the only chance we have to survive.

Brave, please, please don't give up. I can tell you that even at the roughest, most brutal times of struggle, your wife would much rather face the struggle WITH you than without you.

The innate sense of loneliness and isolation I feel right at this moment very nearly takes my breath away. I would have done anything, short of committing a crime, to make my husband stay. But instead he left, and took most of my heart, mind, self esteem, joy, contentment and security with him. Don't let that happen to your family! Trust God, resist the devil and he will flee from you. Speak the name of Jesus aloud, often...Satan hates that. Don't be overcome with evil, but overcome evil with GOOD. God bless and keep you all.

Dan, I still do pray for my husband every day, sincerely, and for my enemies. I pray that God will truly break his heart so he can see the light. I couldn't do that for a while because I was angry and had to ask God to forgive me and take away the things that were keeping me from Him. We are all just sinners saved by the same grace that Jesus gives to all. If my husband had shown one iota of effort to save our relationship, I would never have filed for divorce.

Tell? Don't tell? I think I would feel as though I were walking around under a concrete cloud, with the possibility that any moment it could come crashing down on my head. I know my husband would have never confessed to me, had I not been presented with irrefutable evidence. Unlike you, he isn't repentant...and may never be. But I will pray for him nonetheless, for repentance and that God will not allow him to deceive and destroy any more lives.