To Tell or Not To Tell

Chirp....chirp....chirp. Boy did you open a can of worms.

I will say this...there are many women on this forum that have stood by their men in spite of their men not being honest with them. The lack of honesty has/had destroyed their relationship with their spouse. Lying is the worst thing an SA can do. Your perception of marriage isn't realistic or biblical. Marriage is a partnership...a close intimate friendship with the added benefit of sexual intimacy. I know respect is a big deal with men which is why they should come clean with their spouse. What tears down respect? Not being able to trust someone. What builds up respect? Them being honest and watching them change and grow and become the person they want to be.

If you do not trust your spouse to stand by you during a difficult time, maybe you married the wrong person. There are just a few incidences where I would advocate divorce. Those being...abuse, both physical and mental, and there being no true change and repentance (basically the refusal to man up).

I would suggest, if you can handle it without triggering, to read some of the women's threads. Ellekay would be a good place to start. Also broken1969, Christmyanchor, kevinskay and his wife Irisaflower are both on here. You also need the perspective of a married man going through this so kevinskay and Braveheart would be good to read and maybe get in contact with.

I think if you take the time to read my accountabilty thread you will see where I stand. God spoke to me very directly about telling my wife and I have. A few times when I have been reluctant to tell, my wife comes to me and says she had a dream I was acting out. I feel so much better when I can be honest. It also is the main thing that keeps me from acting out. I hate hurting my wife and being a convenant breaker. I have friends whose wives can't handle it so they dont tell. I recently took part in a very intense marriage course by Family Foundations International and they insist that married couples confess everything and anything that is a secret between them. I would say in a good marriage spouses can tell when something is wrong. I am an elder in my church and have confessed to other elders and pastors in our church without being judged. Your attitude only drives sin underground because there is no honesty, confession and grace. I feel badly for the wives here whose husbands don't see and feel or even care about the pain they are causing their wives. BTW there are lots of situations where the roles are reversed and the wife is the one that is addicted. This is not a sin that only targets men. As for overcoming this on your own, it is not recommended anywhere that I have been involved. You may give up one addiction only to replacve it with another. God wants to deal with the underlying root character issues in all of us. It's called santification.

We will never be completely santified in this life my friend.

I can see Armored Servants point of view.  It can be much easier to choose not to tell the wife in order to avoid the blowup that will occur.  Wives probably won't understand why their husbands are doing this.  Still, I believe that honesty truly is the best policy.  Some thought about why:


If I'm not honest with my wife about where I am pertaining to my sin, then not only am I cheating on her, I'm also lying and deceiving her as well. Great! that's more sins against her.

We're only as sick as our secrets.

Telling her won't damage the relationship, the relationship is already damaged due to my acting out.

Keeping secrets from my wife damages the intimacy between us, something that is vital for our marriage to succeed.

Most wives would want to know, and they would feel that they are entitled to such information being that they are married to their PA husbands.

If a PA doesn't tell his wife, there is a huge possibility that she'll discover his acting out on her own. And when that happens, it will be World War III.  I've seen this happen numerous times.  And the husband has always seriously regretted keeping this secret from her.

If a PA is consistently lying to his wife, she will lose trust in him. And that trust will be long and hard to earn back.

If someone lies to me, I can deal with it. It doesn't hurt me a great deal. But other people are different. For many wives, lies distort their entire reality. And they play back all the things that occurred since that lie. I think my ex was much more upset about my lies than she was about my acting out.


It's not easy practicing tough honesty with a spouse. It will challenge the relationship to its core. And it may not survive. But I can't find any good reason for a PA to lie to his/her spouse and giving him/her the idea that everything is okay in the relationship.  What she doesn't know can hurt her.

Are you kidding me?

"My wife might act differently if she knows i'm a porn addict
So I wont tell her"

thats called control and manipulation, witholding significant information she is entitled to have, to make a decision on whether to stay in the marriage.

taking away her ability to make a decision- a form of abuse

leaving her in the dark about all that is wrong with the marriage (that she will be able to sense, trust me, but she will think its her fault probably)

because you dont want her to know what you really have done? You want to appear a man of integrity? Well, sorry, but you're not, and that is something she deserves to know

The only commendable thing in your post is that you are trying to beat this without being found out first. (TRYING to beat. Believe me at 30 days you are not cured. especially when you are determined to keep it secret.

repentance leads to confession to those you have wronged.That includes the wife whose covenant a porn using husband has defiled.

I'm glad you arent married.....thats all i can say

i'm not a feminist man hater
i am a wife whose most significant pain and emotional and spiritual damage has come from my husband deciding that "what she doesnt know wont hurt her"

so very , very wrong

i was committed to stay with him to help him beat his addiction
to share his struggles, to stick with him through his sickness

he decided not to share and to do it on his own. But of course i found out. There was the worst damage

i may not be showing christs love in my bluntness. But a man who decieves his wife is not showing christs love either

oh, and i am still with him. in spite of being in trauma therapy for the reason of his monumental deception

I should be congratulating you? i did commend you for trying to beat this before you ruined someones life. But it actually takes 3 years to rewire your brain. Not 30 days.

Admin Hat ON......

Please keep this discussion civil. There is no need to be name calling. We will have different points of view from both sides of this addiction and from different genders. Yes this is a heated topic but it can be handled with civility.

Remeber we are all here to heal and learn.

Admin Hat Off.....