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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2015 23:24:14 GMT -7
For many many years I've been addicted to porn and unusual, ugly fetishes. This Monday i received God's call, right after I masturbated to my worst fetish. I desired to stop because I could feel it almost phisically, that I am a slave to my desires. Tuesday God answered my prayers, and directed me to an article online where i read that the porn actres that most contributed to my decsent into darkness has found the Lord. I also learned the dark secrets that hide behind the closed doors of Porn industry, and how those women suffer. Learning such things, andmost of all, seeing an interview with the porn star, who all of a sudden was saying such sweet loving things, and looked really beautiful, in a clean and Godly way, had a huge psychological impact on my life. I feel like the shackles have been broken, and now it's up to me, with god's help, to ascend to the surface. I'll be posting here from time to time, asking for prayer, encouragement and help. I'll be also glad to give you all I got.
This is my 3rd day without masturbating. i hope it will last as long as possible.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2015 3:26:00 GMT -7
Uroy91, You are at day 3 and so I suspect the temptation will get stronger. You will need to pray and fight it with all that you have. Depending how long you have been in bondage to this sin and how deep you have delved into it it may take some considerable time to eradicate the images that your brain has stored up which keep resurfacing. Make sure you "cut off" all access to porn in any form. Be radical in eliminating sources no matter how innocent they seem (e.g. lingerie ads)! Then after cutting off all access you will have created a vacuum in your mind that needs to be filled with a better alternative. The Bible, The Gospel, Christian music vs. secular, Christian talk radio or t.v. programming instead of secular radio/t.v., etc. You have sought help and recognize your need to turn towards God for help. That is tremendous and encouraging to me at least that you can turn the tide. I think I mentioned previously to you to check out SettingCaptivesFree.com - there is great free help there. Also, check out CovenantEyes.com and look for their blog and resources. Again, mostly free stuff including an e-book I think called Your Brain on Porn. Keep us posted - we all want to help and each person's story and suggestions have value. We will be praying for day 4, 14, 24...until you are truly free. Blessings,Nikanor
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2015 4:50:02 GMT -7
Hi! You are right, I suffered some temptation this afternoon, but I managed to put it to silence with some prayer and meditation with God. I think God suggested me a method to kill lust when it surfaces, and I want to share it here. Whenever you feel like watching porn or lusting after someone, instead stop and pray for those people that appear in porn videos. Pray for the pornstars, try to love them and wish for their wellbeing as people, and you will find it even more shameful and difficult to lust after them later. It works for me till now.
@nikanor I know convenanteyes. They started me on this path. i read all of their resources. I'll try SCF, as you suggest. i long for freedom. I'll keep you updated.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 6, 2015 0:08:39 GMT -7
Hey Al, Nice to hear back from you. I assume you can find my accountability log. It's right next to yours. Congrats on your 3 days. Praise the Lord! Please keep us posted no matter what. We want to spur you on. Some things I would like to encourage: 1) Set your boundaries. Write down what you consider acting out to you. When I wonder if something I did was acting out, I should be able to refer to my boundary sheet to resolve any of those questions. The flesh can be very slick in trying to justify our sin. 2) it's good that you're incorporating some God time in your day. Keep it up. Make a point to do some good things in your day. To me, that's where the real battle is. For much of my life, I spent it doing one of two things, acting out or fighting to stop acting out. Either way, the enemy was thrilled that I was spend.so much time focusing on my addiction. So now I make it a point to do a more positive approach. It's not how long I'm sober, it's what am I doing with the life God gave me. Just being sober by itself isn't good enough, God would rather have me bearing fruit throughout my day, even when I'm not sober. It took me too long to learn this lesson. I hope you can pick it up faster than I did. 3) masturbation has been a tough thing to stop for me. But this process has been very rewarding. Before I was married, I established a night plan for myself to help me through the night which was the most trying time for me. If you want, I could dig it up and share it with you. Anyways, having your presence on this site is very encouraging. Thank you for sharing. If you have any more helpful ideas that are working for you, please share them. Kevin
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2015 0:48:44 GMT -7
Hi Kevin!
Yes I found your log. I'll read some of it later
All of your words are true and helpful. I'll keep them in mind.
This is my 4th day, and surprisingly I feel no need to watch porn or masturbate. When I think about my fetishes they suddenly lost their charm after I learned about the ex porn star that found Jesus. I saw my fetishes and porn as they really are, that pointlessness and ugliness, and I don't feel compelled to watch it. I don't know how long will it last. Lust will grow stronger and stronger as days pass, but I say to myself that if I ever reach a point beyond which I can't take it anymore, I'll masturbate with no porn, images and I'll do my best not to have fantasies. That of course if i reach my limit, as extreme solution, so that porn will have little to do with my arousal.
Until now I'm feeling fine actually. I realize that my necessity to masturbate was largely because I needed a stress killer...and emotional surge, and porn did it for me everytime. Everytime I doubted God, I sought porn. But I found a surprising faith Monday, and it feels wonderfully strong and unbreakable. God fills my heart with reassurance.
Today i met a girl at university. She was so kind and pretty. I fell in love the moment we started to talk. It's a beautiful feeling!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2015 3:30:34 GMT -7
Uroy91, Four days and counting - Congratulations for this is no easy task. Habits by their definition are tough things to stop, but ohhhhh the joy when you can kick the bad habits. Its a day at a time and it sounds like you have a good plan to deal with temptation but know that Satan isn't going to give up so easily and will ratchet up the temptation levels so be ready. With God you can overcome this. We are still sinners in the end and slip ups are likely so like the old cowboys used to say "when you fall off the horse get right back on". There are two books you might find of some help in fighting temptation: 1) A Gospel Primer for Christians, by Milton Vincent and,2) 95 Theses for Pure Reformation, by Mike ClevelandBoth are small books which is great for busy people. They are wonderful to keep reviewing when temptations hit and to just keep meditating on for your spiritual growth. I mentioned to Kevin to set a goal and plan a celebration when you reach, say, 15 or 20 days, then set another when you reach that goal. There is a Canadian t.v. show called Red Green that is about a lodge of men. They have a line often recited - "We're pulling for you cause we're all in this together", then they close with their lodge motto "I am a man, I can change, if I have to, I guess." I hope we are all a little more positive than this and acknowledge that God can do anything in our lives. Blessings,Nikanor
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2015 4:03:33 GMT -7
Hi nikanor. Thank you for the encoraging words, and the books. I'll try to take a look at them
Right now I write because In the past hour or so I'm facing temptation again. My fetish kicks in and darkens my reasoning. For a moment I was scared I wouldn't be able to resist it, but I'm praying to stay strong, and I write it down here so i may read your encouraging.
PS: Why is the forum so....empty? Where is everyone?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2015 18:45:19 GMT -7
Hello friends.
I feel like a total failure today. This night I was assaulted by a wet dream. I didn't masturbate or watch porn since Monday, and suddenly I have a dream about my sexual fetish and boom...it happened. I wake up and find a mess... I need encouragement and explanations: what exactly are wet dreams? Was it my fault? Do I have to reset my day count? I feel like I failed, did I? Please help, and pray for me.
edit:
Today i suffered severe temptation and a complete emotional shift. From calm and serene I became frustrated, desperate and crazy. All because lust started to kick in. It obfuscated my perception of reality, it made me recall images I've been trying to supress and it make me think highly irrational stuff. All started last night, when i was reading some atheist comments on former porn star Shelley Lubben, leader of the Pink Cross fundation. They were saying all bad things about her, how she does it for money, how she rescues porn stars just in order to abuse her in her fundation and similar stuff. I hate it, I hate doubting! I read all sort of stuff and none is coherent, and who should I believe? For a moment I almost thought that porn stars actually like what they're doing. I know it sounds terrible, but it's the lust that makes me think such things. As long as I believe they're being harmed and they hate their porn career, I find it difficult to masturbate to porn. I feel like my flesh is rebelling against me just to get to orgasm and makes me believe the wrong stuff! I hate myself for not having more faith...I want a good coherent life. By the way, it's been the 5th day I went without porn or masturbation, not counting my wet dream. It hurts so much it's almost a physical pain. Please someone answer me.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 7, 2015 11:42:37 GMT -7
Hey Al,
Please don't beat yourself up. That is what the enemy wants you to do.
I personally never put wet dreams in my bottom line or inner circle.
Most of my friends in recovery didn't even put masturbation in their bottom line.
In SA, masturbation is automatically considered acting out and loss of sobriety. They are unique among the S fellowships in that matter. However, lusting is not considered acting out unless you are not claiming progressive victory over it.
Given the fact that you are pretty new to this, I would find it unusual for anyone even in SA to consider what you did as loss of sobriety.
I think Satan is playing the accusation game with you.
Wet dreams are not specifically mentioned in my boundary sheet. They fall within the category of lust and fantasy. To me, they are technically in my middle circle. The last line in my middle circle reads:
Refrain from any lust and fantasy as much as you can. Don’t get legalistic about it. Focus on loving yourself, God, your wife, and others in healthy ways. Refrain from these behaviors with a positive attitude and looking forward to the learning experience of enjoying everything that God has in store for you. And if you do fall into lusting or fantasizing, do take measures to regroup yourself and get back on track.
When I made a decision to place masturbation in my inner circle, the same concern about wet dreams was an issue for me. But as I progressed, wet dreams just did not occur as frequently as I expected. As you progress in your recovery, I'm certain that you'll have a similar experience.
Bottom line is don't be too harsh on yourself. That never works. I applaud your success in avoiding porn and masturbation. 5 days sober from all that is an amazing task.
Al, you are very awesome. And I am so glad you are among us. Keep up the good work.
As to your previous comment about the emptiness of this forum, I choose to not let it bother me. There are more than enough people on this forum to get what I need. Not to mention the number of nonmembers that are simply viewing our posts. There quite a few of those actually. Your thread has gotten almost 80 views so far.
I've come to believe that I need to focus more on my participation as opposed to the participation of other members. Know this. I myself intend to post here for a very long time. I consider myself a lifer. I'm not cured of my addiction and God is perfectly alright with that. And give it another month and you'll find someone else reaching for help on this forum and you will be there to greet him and spur him on. And God will use you to start something cool, at least in someone's life.
You've already made a difference in me. I'm sure others here can say the same.
Keep it up, Al. You're doing great.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 7, 2015 19:27:33 GMT -7
Hi Kevin.
Thank you for the answer. I didn't know about innerc and other circles stuff. Where do you get that info from? Can you send me a link?
Yesterday, that same night I came across a tempting picture...in a moment of weakness I searched for it myself. I avoided masturbation; what I did was just very superficial stimulation. I didn't even take my jeans off...and it lasted shortly, because I soon lost interest. How to put it...I found the strenght to quit that webpage (that wasn't even a porn page), and I went to talk with a Christian friend of mine who gave me encouragement in that difficult moment. I don't know if what I did resets my days count, because I didn't masturbate, yet I did lust. I'd love to say that is my sixth day without masturbation, but I may be mistaken. I just know I lost sobriety for a short time, and I found strenght to return to sobriety, with God's and my friend's help.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 8, 2015 2:12:14 GMT -7
Al,
It is good to hear back from you again. I'm glad you are hanging in there.
The three circles boundaries comes from a pamphlet published by Sex Addicts Anonymous.
You can view my boundary sheet on the first page of my accountability log. Hope that helps.
Lord, continue to provide my friend, Al strength and perserverance during this trying time. Thank you for carrying him through this. We receive and pray this in Jesus' name. Amen
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2015 4:52:54 GMT -7
I thank you for your prayers Kevin. I also pray everyday for you and all the members of BG.
In your experience, how long will it last until I begin to feel free of the urge to masturbate? It's been six days now, and I still feel the call of porn behind me. I still kind of miss it. When will I start to feel better?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2015 9:22:22 GMT -7
I'm sorry to say it...i failed.
This evening i masturbated to orgasm. There were two factors involved: I was so aroused I couldn't help myself. I felt bad fro mall the stress i accumulated over the last 6 days...and then I started doubting God, which took away the only source of love that could truly fill the void. The two things connected and made me lose control. I feel ashamed...all my effort...but pray for me so I can get back on the horse! Pray so I can find God's love again. Please. If you have tips on how to avoid further failure please share them with me.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 8, 2015 10:31:44 GMT -7
Uroy91 - Al, Don't be dismayed by the lapse - it happens. The important thing is to get back up on the horse and start counting again. As I said before this is a battle in which you must fight with all that you have, with much grit and determination. You will feel at times as if you can't win, that you can't stop from masturbating, that the images and erotic thoughts won't cease. You will find that the intervals between lapses will increase and eventually you can stop. Many men I have worked with, including myself have been through these early stages of recovery where it seems the "burn" is stronger than your will power. This is true. It is when you finally give everything over to Christ and let him do the work that you will begin to gain victory and eventually become free. Our own human willpower isn't enough. You are doing the right things here by confessing, requesting prayer, I hope reading scripture, and enlisting support from accountability partners (here at BG or anywhere). Understand that a history of prolonged porn and masturbation alters your brain chemistry, not unlike other addictions, the act of masturbation releases dopamine, serotonin, testosterone, norepinephrine, and others that work on our brains and cause, in part, our neurons to re-wire themselves. An excellent article on this is a free e-book publication from Covenant Eyes at www.covenanteyes.com/science-of-pornaddiction-ebook. The triggers of images that you have stored up in your brain will take some time to be eliminated or reduced in significance. You have to cut off all access to porn or erotic stimulation which will leave a void in your time schedule and brain which will need to be replaced by something more uplifiting and redeeming (scripture, sermons, hyms, etc.) and over time the erotic images will lessen to a point of being preventable. It may not be quick however. It has taken months up to years for some guys to stop. Don't be discouraged, it is doable. What you spent months concentrating on to get to point you are at now may take as long to stop and overcome. I lost a job and career and almost a family due to daily porn and masturbation but I was lucky to stop pretty much cold-turkey. I know not everyone can stop cold-turkey but you can stop eventually. I have seen it with younger and older guys - it is the willingness to enlist and follow Jesus and a determination to change that will get you to victory. Take heart - we will be praying for you. Jesus, we pray now for Al and for a change in his heart to follow you and to fight and give up on things that don't focus on you, particularly porn and masturbation. You gave up your life to save us from these wretched conditions we live in full of self pleasure and indulgence that the world tells us are o.k. but we know they are not o.k. Give Al strength and courage to fight and a hear to follow you. Amen Blessings,Nikanor
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 9, 2015 0:46:08 GMT -7
That was a great prayer, Nikanor. I second that.
Al, keep up the good fight. I, myself, am a chronic relapser. I know how you feel.
However, you've been incredibly honest with us this past week, and that is extremely commendable. So please, don't give up and don't lose faith.
I've played the sobriety game for a long time, thinking that I wasn't doing well unless I got sober for at least 9 months. It took me a long time to understand that God doesn't really give a hoot about how much sobriety I have. He cares more about how well I'm turning my life over to Him; how well am I managing my life being that it's been so unmanageable; how well am I improving my relationship with God; how well am I developing, exercising, and appreciating the many gifts that God has given me instead of feeling sorry and pitiful for what I don't have?
God doesn't care so much about how perfect of a tree I am. He knows I'm making progress in that area. He cares more about how much fruit I'm bearing. I could look at my own sobriety and remind myself that I only have 36 days now. For many people, that is not much. But I don't allow myself to use my sobriety as an ultimate measurement of my recovery, and I don't think you should either. I primarily use other tangible methods such as my To-do list to measure my progress.
Nor do I consider what occurred as a failure. For me, the "burn" is always around. It never really goes away. We just learn to gather various tools in our life to effectively deal with it. You are in my prayers, brother.
Kevin
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