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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2021 20:35:26 GMT -7
I know what you mean about people idolizing others who have so many days/months/years of sexual sobriety...it's how the world measures their success. It's very limited because anyone can say "I'm a grateful recovering sexaholic, I got xyz day/months/years and I'm learning about step 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12 etc... and my sponsor told me that I need to .......and I have learned how to better ......" and people all reply as "nice share man" and they get kudos for "working the program"...
I was a part of that for many years, it really made me "want" to be able to say what they were saying and "how" they were saying it. I bought the SA Whitebook, quoted from it, shared my ESH (experience, strength, and hope), and whenever someone replied with a good reply, it boosted my self-esteem and made me feel good, it made me feel like I was "working" the program and being "blameless" in the sight of the members there. It's a part of me that "wants attention" from others, even those who were like me, a sex addict.
In the recovery circles, they told me very offensive things like "you had better fire that @#$@#$@#$ you call g-d and get yourself a new one"..and these were quote unquote "Christian?!" members telling me this? I was shocked. How did that match to what the Bible says?
It doesn't. plain and simple.
I learned this from just reading the Bible, this is what I learned. Jesus said "Go into all the world and preach the gospel and make desciples teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you"
So I made a choice, was I going to follow the world's way to get "sexually sober" a term that really just means (I stopped acting out by porn and masturbation, which is sex with self, which is lust, which is adultery, a spiritual problem, yet they (world) claim the answer is a spiritual one, yet they claim to have the answer, a connetion to a higher power, who is not the Lord Jesus Christ)......or do I find out who this God really is, the Lord Jesus Christ, when Jesus said "not everyone who says to me Lord Lord will enter into the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of the Father in heaven..and I will declare unto them I never knew you, depart from me you workers of lawlessness" ...the Jesus that says "Judge not lest you also be judged" the Jesus that says "Come unto me and I will give you rest" the Jesus that says "anyone who comes to the Son the Son will in no way turn away" the Jesus who says "take my yoke and learn of me"....
I right away reject all worldy hope, recovery programs, unless they were going to admit the Jesus Christ was Lord, and the only way to get not only sexually sobriety, but a new heart, something the world can never ever give anyone, except that Jesus makes them born again and forgiven and put back on the right path the path of doing what is right in God's eyes.
Even, wordly circles told me, "dominic, you are too narrow minded that Jesus is the only way, because there are many others not christian yet have more sobriety than you".....I was like "yes, it's true, these other muslims, or buddhists, might have more "technical sobriety" than me.....but.... I was lost....
Do I really know Jesus Christ? I think so. Is it because I have 1 day, 1 month, or 1 year or many years? that could be a sign, but that is not the test, the test if I know Jesus Christ is found in the Bible.
This is how I examine myself.
Do I manifest the fruit of the Holy Spirit? Honestly, I admit no, but doesn't the Holy Spirit fill me or show me or help me, I say yes, so why do I say no that I don't manifest the fruit of the Holy Spirit? It's because just me, I'm a selfish, angry, jealous, prideful, lustful person, and I'm not bragging about me being super humble, I not even humble. maybe this post i'm already in pride. I don't know.
Jesus did say, "by their fruits you will know them" and Jesus also said "judge not lest you be judged" so how so I put these together? Jesus said "remove the log from your own eye first then you will be able to remove the speck from their eyes"
so we have all logs of sin somewhere.
is the log of pride bigger than the log of porn masturbation? maybe, I don't know the size of logs but we have to understand principle and when I say this, I'm saying it to myself. I not trying to teach you without applying the same to me, because that is like a form of hypocrisy, I'm not God to tell others what to do, just a guy who is trying to live out the Christian life, not depending on my self, but asking God for help and speaking to you in a clear conscience. Still only God knows my true motives and hidden sins.
I can't say what is the answer, except that we follow the scripture,
Proverbs 28:13 'he who hides his sins will not be successful, but he who confesses and forsakes them.
We acknowledge our sins, but how do we forsake them?
examples of this are seen in the Bible, some early believers burned their sorcery books.
We can burn our wicked books, sites, contacts, intentions, iphone/android, video games, music, movies, and whatever is taking your time away from spending it with God in prayer, bible reading, etc. Also Internet.
If you absolutely need the internet, you can use it with accoutability, this is how I think, still I have broken wifi at home a few times but still came back to it, so what did I need? honesty to my wife and her accoutability. It was painful, but in the light of what I did to her, in light of me trying everything possible to earn back her trust, I had to do these changes, but before I could do these changes, I needed a right-relationship with God.
By a right relationship with God, I mean, trusting in Jesus Christ as your whole soul, life, sobriety depends on it, and a promise to God that I will not do it, I will not lust anymore, I will not secret contact any women, I will not live unholy, and I can't do it Jesus unless you empower me, I am totally lost and depending on you.
In my story, what made me broken was seeing the tortue and pain of those I loved because of my sins. My God was tortured - Jesus Christ, not only that, my wife was tortured, my kids were and it was all because of me.....who selfish and evil I am. I'm hell-deserving, and God doesn't want that for me or anyone but we make our choices and we pay the price for our sins.
1 Co 10:13 our temptation is common to man.
Let's look at two examples.
Joseph ran away from Potifar's wife and said "How can I do this wicked thing and sin against God"
This was a man who didn't even hear about all that we know but even his society was so wicked (same like today) where adultery was rapant. He (joseph) knew enough about God that He didn't want to offend God, so this is where the focus should be, we do not want to offend God.
God didn't create my body to be used for porn and masturbation. He told Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply.
But what if she (my wife) isn't in the mood? Do we have a Bible example? Yes.
Where does the Bible say a man can wait long periods of time and have no sex?
Joseph in the New Testament didn't know his wife Mary until after Jesus was born.
That is what scripture says. Joseph.
That had got to speak volumes.
Here is a man who was married, knew "I'm married to my wife, who is with child, and I have to wait, but this wait is worth it, the Son of God was going to be born, so I will wait"
Now He could have said "hey women, this is my marital duty, let's have sex, I mean your already pregnant, and it's not going to hurt anything" NO, Joseph did not say that. He waited.
Can you and I wait for 9 months if we are married? Honestly, honestly?
If we are married, we are begging our wife for sex a lot and when she is on her period, probably even asking 'hey babe' can you uhhh, give me some help here?
We are really (I am sick) sick.
Our sexual immorality is so deep, it needs spiritual surgery, which is crying out to God for a new heart and a new mind. And when we feed our soul the Word of God and worship Him, all of it works together to make us men of God, that we should be.
And a man of God is not put on a pedastal like "Oh look at Saint AAAAA or Saint BBBB, and how he was such a ...."no, we just see that it was God (like Joseph in the OT and Joseph in the NT) worked through them.
The Bible says that these men were just like us (1 Co 10:13).
Elijah also was a man like us but in prayer God listened to his prayer to stop the rain.
It's our faith.
I'm in the same boat like you. As a fellow man and fellow brother and what I wrote I say first to myself, not speaking down, not sounding "holier than thou" no way man. I'm not worthy and Jesus is the Only Good and Holy One.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 10, 2021 0:20:18 GMT -7
I've not been perfect. I entertained more fantasies yesterday and was oggling a fair amount of women. I don't remember about today. But my mind and eyes often go on automatic. I lust without thinking. When I check out a woman, I go from 0 to sex in less than a split second. However, God has really stepped in to show me to error of this pattern that I've practiced for all of my life. I'm seeing more that this pursuit of adultery will only lead to a dead end. I've been wrong to try use women as a means to obtain validation. It's been a mistake. For much of my life, I've showed no restraint when it came to keeping custody of my eyes and mind. Since no one will ever know, looking and thinking will never hurt. But it does. RU Principle # 2: Every sin has its origin in our hearts. In other words, I think it before I do it. And then the thought turns to lust, and then to porn and masturbation. RU Principle # Small compromises lead to great disasters (otherwise known as little sins lead to big sins). And then the porn leads to actual adultery. Fantasy, masturbation, pornography are all building block behaviors. They all frustrate my desire to commit adultery. I see it for what it is, desiring something that I cannot have. It feels pleasurable for a brief moment. But in reality, it leaves me empty in the end. And yet, I still need God because I cannot say, "No." Sometimes, I cannot resist. My flesh wants to do what my flesh wants to do. I have no self control. But God is bigger than all of this. He can do the impossible. He makes the impossible, possible. Never give up, ... never. This journey of recovery is totally worth it. Having a small moment of clarity at times is worth the journey no matter how long it takes. For me, the journey has taken over 30 years. I'm a slow learner. I just focus on today. I'm not giving myself the thought of what might happen tomorrow. I'm not going to worry if I'll lose clarity and go act out tomorrow. I'm not giving myself permission to think about that. I wasn't sure about posting this video, but Alexander Grace gave a really good description of what's been going on with my eyes. This definitely describes my behavior to a "T"
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Apr 2, 2021 11:12:15 GMT -7
I'm going to start off mentioning that my flesh is weak. It still wants to commit adultery. I was hoping that, one day, my flesh would just stop. I've come to terms with the fact that this is how it's always going to be. I'm not going to be able to control my flash, and God's not just going to take it away either.
AA step 6: Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
I asked him to remove this. He said, "No, my grace is sufficient for you."
It forces me to draw near my master, Jesus Christ. It's better this way.
Serving Jesus equates to freedom from sin. I sense and feel the freedom in this.
The Holy Spirit has been addressing some old beliefs that I've held on to.
The three second rule
Progressive victory over lust
Masturbation
All of these are forms of moderation. And moderation has not worked for me. It's not enough to cut out the porn. I have to submit my entire mind and body to the Lord Jesus Christ. Walk in the spirit and I won't gratify the lusts of the flesh.
I've mentioned before, I do not have any worldly wisdom or fleshly weapon that's going to guarantee someone out of this.
I got nothing.
But our Lord Jesus is not of this world. He is a power that is bigger and greater than anything in this universe.
I feel free. I'm not lusting. I'm not fantasizing. I'm not craving. I'm not white knuckling.
I want to keep it that way. For when I lust, I reopen those dopamine channels in my brain.
I'm finding out that God's grace is indeed more than sufficient for me. What a miracle.
Sin is a prison that is worse than any prison imaginable. My flesh does not think so, but that doesn't make the statement any less true.
There is no worse prison than the prison that I came from.
I haven't started working out yet. But I am eating much better. No more junk food, no more fast food, no more soda. And I'm restricting my calorie intake. I guess if I'm learning to control my mind with the help of the Holy Spirit, controlling my eating shouldn't be that difficult. My belly is too big.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Apr 4, 2021 22:31:21 GMT -7
So last night, I entertained some sexual fantasies before drifting off to sleep. I repented. The Lord has forgiven me. I'm supposing that I was not walking in the spirit at that moment, but in the flesh. My major concern was that I would be reopening those pathways to more pursuit of adultery.
This morning, we went to church for the first time in a year. All this time, we've been watching it online due to Covid-19. But since it was Easter Sunday, and our kids were getting a little bit restless with watching church on TV, we decided it would be a good time to start going in person again.
After church, I took the family to an Asian buffet. And to my relief, I wasn't allowing my flesh to ogle at women around me or to entertain fantasies. Yes, my flesh still wants to act out. and there was a point while sitting in church, I was feeling happy that I've been staying away from pornography and masturbation. But then I remembered that just last night I was entertaining sexual fantasies. I was sinning against God. And I realized that my pride leads me to believe that my sin is not such a big deal. But it is to God and it should be to me too. And here's why.
At the Asian buffet, I realized that for one price, I can eat as much as I want. My flesh will tell me to stuff my face and to get my money's worth. Similarly, I can buy sweets and junk food at the dollar store and get food that makes my flesh feel good at a very low price. But I'm realizing that the cost of unhealthy eating is more than just about money. Even if the food was free, there's still a cost. Is eating in excess worth the damage it does to my body? No, it is not. So I chose not to stuff my face today.
The same goes with lust, fantasy, and leering at woman. Even though I can do these things for free. They don't cost any money. What I'm learning that even if it's free, it's not really free. There is a cost. that goes to viewing pornography on the internet as well. Every sin originates in my heart and small compromises lead to Great disasters. Entertaining lust is not worth the price I pay for it. It damages my self esteem, my focus at work, my relationship with God, my marriage, and my family. It's good that I humbled myself, and repented immediately as opposed to allowing the sin to fester because of my own pride. Thank you, Jesus.
One more thing. I recognize that leaving all of this lust behind exposes an incredible void inside me. I cannot ignore it or deny it. It's there and I need to allow God to handle that. I need His help.
Today, we chose to get rid of cable. Too many shows on Disney were supporting alternative lifestyles different than the traditional family model that God designed.
Happy Easter everyone.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2021 6:48:04 GMT -7
So last night, I entertained some sexual fantasies before drifting off to sleep. I repented. The Lord has forgiven me. I'm supposing that I was not walking in the spirit at that moment, but in the flesh. My major concern was that I would be reopening those pathways to more pursuit of adultery. This morning, we went to church for the first time in a year. All this time, we've been watching it online due to Covid-19. But since it was Easter Sunday, and our kids were getting a little bit restless with watching church on TV, we decided it would be a good time to start going in person again. After church, I took the family to an Asian buffet. And to my relief, I wasn't allowing my flesh to ogle at women around me or to entertain fantasies. Yes, my flesh still wants to act out. and there was a point while sitting in church, I was feeling happy that I've been staying away from pornography and masturbation. But then I remembered that just last night I was entertaining sexual fantasies. I was sinning against God. And I realized that my pride leads me to believe that my sin is not such a big deal. But it is to God and it should be to me too. And here's why. At the Asian buffet, I realized that for one price, I can eat as much as I want. My flesh will tell me to stuff my face and to get my money's worth. Similarly, I can buy sweets and junk food at the dollar store and get food that makes my flesh feel good at a very low price. But I'm realizing that the cost of unhealthy eating is more than just about money. Even if the food was free, there's still a cost. Is eating in excess worth the damage it does to my body? No, it is not. So I chose not to stuff my face today. The same goes with lust, fantasy, and leering at woman. Even though I can do these things for free. They don't cost any money. What I'm learning that even if it's free, it's not really free. There is a cost. that goes to viewing pornography on the internet as well. Every sin originates in my heart and small compromises lead to Great disasters. Entertaining lust is not worth the price I pay for it. It damages my self esteem, my focus at work, my relationship with God, my marriage, and my family. It's good that I humbled myself, and repented immediately as opposed to allowing the sin to fester because of my own pride. Thank you, Jesus. One more thing. I recognize that leaving all of this lust behind exposes an incredible void inside me. I cannot ignore it or deny it. It's there and I need to allow God to handle that. I need His help. Today, we chose to get rid of cable. Too many shows on Disney were supporting alternative lifestyles different than the traditional family model that God designed. Happy Easter everyone. Praise The Lord! I am overjoyed to read this! To see the Lord and you make such progress is wonderful to witness! How old are your children? The reason I ask is that I ran across a new book series written by one of the authors of Veggie tales. It's more geared toward grade school and middle school children. Here is a link to the first book in the series. I am reading in book 1. So far it's really cute. I bought books 1-6 the others were not released yet. Wanted to see what they were like and Don and I are planning on having children. Dead Sea Squirrels
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on May 11, 2021 14:50:56 GMT -7
I think today has been a bit easier than yesterday when it comes to lust. I'm still lusting though. I lost custody of my eyes more than a few times today. Other moments, I've been doing well. It's really just easier for me not to look at the womEn at all while driving. It's easier to just not look then it is to look without lusting. Why frustrate myself? But the desire to get my fix is still lingering with me. And yesterday, I was horrible. Near the end of the day, I was checking out every woman. I lost all self control in that area.
I am relieved that my lust didn't progress into acting out with porn or masturbation or escorts or massage parlors. Only a few more hours till I reach day 12.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Sept 21, 2021 22:44:24 GMT -7
Level 0: No urges or cravings of any kind. No fantasies. No temptation whatsoever to think immorally or lust after anyone. Can look at anyone and everyone with perfect love. Jesus was is an example of such a person. Level 1: Minimal desire to lust or fantasize. Very much like level 1, but temptation is low. Can look at anyone without any sexualizing whatsoever. Level 2: Some sexual desire. Some lust, some fantasy. But non-addictive. Such a person in this level can entertain sexuality in a normal way. Even occasional porn use and other behaviors are available. The difference is sex does not consume the individual. A lot of people fall into this level. They can indulge in such behaviors occasionally without too many drawbacks. Such a person is considered a normie. But like alcohol, too much consumption can raise the person to a level of addiction. A lot of recovering addicts wish they could be back to this level; to be able to consume their DOC in moderation. For myself, I have never really been at levels 0-2, ever. And I'll probably never will be. That's okay. If God's grace was sufficient for Paul, it's sufficient for me too. or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. - 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 Level 3: No lust, no fantasy. Just an understanding that the danger of entertaining such will lead to compulsion. Although not partaking in lust, still acutely aware of the temptation all around and choosing not to indulge in it. Level 4: Stronger temptation to indulge in lust or fantasy. But still holding back the urge. Perhaps letting a look or thought creep in, but not much and not often. For me, other nonsexual things can put me into this level. Things such as overeating, playing to many video games, watching too much TV, episodes of anger can raise my toxicity level. As I mentioned before, it's not the behavior so much as what happens in my mind. This is the last level in the yellow zone, what I consider the safe zone. Also, circumstances outside of my control can increase the toxicity level. Stress from injury, family problems, financial setbacks are examples that can raise me from level 3 to level 4. It's important for me to understand that I've rarely been in the safe zone since I was an adolescent and discovered masturbation at age 13. Even during most of my time in recovery, my toxicity level has, almost always, been above level 5. Level 5: Entertaining a slight bit of lust and fantasy. Although, most of the time, I'm maintaining custody of my eyes and mind, in this level, it's not perfect control. I've entertained lust and fantasy maybe a half dozen times or less that day. But not more. This is the first level in the orange cautionary area. The higher I go in levels, the higher the gravitational pull is to level 10. In other words, it's much easier for me to stay in levels 3 & 4 than it is to stay in levels 5 & 6. Level 6: Entertaining some lust and fantasy. Although not completely consumed by lust, this level is characterized by numerous instances where I've fantasized and lusted after women. Level 7: In this level, I'm experiencing periods of extensive sexual fantasy and continual lusting after women. I've completely lost custody of my eyes and mind at this point and I'm craving regularly. At this level, I'm also showing less restraint with what I allow myself to view on media. This is the first level in the red zone; the danger area. Level 8: Constant craving, sexual fantasy, and oggling at women as in level 7. At this stage, I'm also getting aroused with media on my phone, TV, or computer. I'm dabbling with P-subs such as watching girls in bikinis or underwear. I'm basically walking the fence of my bottom line. And I get so aroused that I'll be touching myself briefly at times. Level 9: Same behaviors as level 8 except now I'm watching R-rated movies, typing in triggering keyword search terms such as sex or girls or certain body parts. Or I could be cruising areas of town where I've picked up prostitutes, or parking near a massage parlor, or viewing a sex site using a safe browser with no pictures, or researching or contacting an escort found online or in the yellow pages. At this time, my toxicity level is so high from all the ritualization, that I consider level 9 a reset, a slip. Level 10: Full fledge relapse. Behaviors include masturbation (usually to orgasm), pornography, strip joints, x-rated bookstores, massage parlors, picking up streetwalkers, using escorts.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Nov 5, 2021 18:17:17 GMT -7
πορνεία
The Greek word for fornication. It's pronounced as pornia.
That's where the word pornography is derived from.
For me, porn does not just include looking up XXX sites on the web. It also includes...
Lusting after women Masturbating to fantasies Entertaining sex fantasies One night stands
Basically any two dimensional sex act devoid of any connection, trust, intimacy, and all that other gooey emotional stuff that I don't understand is considered porn in my book. Because I can use any of the above to get myself high, shoot myself up with dope, and continue a vicious addictive cycle.
I've been a porn addict all of my life. Entertaining sex fantasies at age 3, by the time I had my first exposure to a porno mag was by accidentally running into it at a grocery store magazine rack. A non user would immediately have been turned off by it. But not me. I thought it was great. I couldn't wait to buy some for myself when I became an adult. Throughout my childhood, I used TV, radio, my sister's girly mags, and fantasy to stimulate my porn addiction before I discovered masturbation at age 13. Despite my limited exposure to official pornography throughout my childhood, I still found a way to get my fix.
It's taken me a long time to understand that sobriety, to me, is more than just avoiding the porn sites. It involves me avoiding sexual stimuli that is dopamine inducing. My mind is fragile.
And on top of all that is my NGS, the toxic shame that I've carried, and the desperate need to get validation from women that all had to be dealt with.
I had another binge in October. In fact, I had given up. I thought I was without hope and planning to act out in moderation for the rest of my life. But God, through His Holy Spirit had other plans. He loved me so much that he pulled me away and continued to give me more revelation. He's saved me. Praise God.
Day 11. I didn't act out today, and I'm not going to. I'm done. Toxicity level is at 4. And I don't expect it to get any higher than that.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Nov 5, 2021 21:46:35 GMT -7
I'm going to start off with some info. A guy named Allen Carr wrote a guide called, The Easy Way to Stop Smoking.This book helped a lot of people. And it provided a very unique, informative method that was quite different from other traditional approaches. This book has been around since 1985, And it promises readers that they can stop smoking with little or no withdrawal. A few years ago, a woman named Annie Grace wrote a guide called, This Naked Mind. By using similar methods from Allen Carr's work, she reached out to thousands of alcoholics offering them an easy solution to kick their alcohol habit. The book claims to speak to your subconscious allowing the reader to kick the habit without withdrawal. I've actually read this book hoping that I could apply it to my porn addiction, but it just didn't click for me. However, very recently, a young man named Fraser Patterson, has come out with a guide for quitting porn addiction based on the methods of Allen Carr. And after reading it, I must admit that Patterson did a pretty great job. I'm done with porn. I'm really done. I'm free. And when I say porn, I don't just mean browsing XXX sites on the web. I also mean my masturbation, my fantasies, and my lust. Because I realize that porn does absolutely nothing for me. It has the same value as a piece of moldy bread. I'm not just saying that. It's true and I actually now believe it. For all of my life, I have been duped to believe that porn has value. That when choosing sobriety, I was giving up something that had huge worth. Thus, my efforts seemed impossibly hard. How could I combat something that I inherently believed to be 10 times better than anything else in this world? But the truth is that porn has no value. It is a lie. Porn seems like it feels good because after a session, my body receives some opioid rewards along with a bunch of dopamine. Dopamine does little to augment pleasure. It's primary purpose is to augment cravings. Thus, when the dopamine wears off, my body starts to crave. But also, because I've been brainwashed to believe that sex (porn) is the best thing in the world, my body remains in a state of misory, withdrawal, irritability until my next fix. Unable to feel any other pleasure, my body receives the next acting out as the most pleasurable act ever. When, in reality, I'm simply relieving the symptoms of my addiction induced withdrawal. Anyways, that's it. I'm done. No more illusions. I feel for those that are still struggling, still white knuckling, still climbing that uphill battle. The fact is that quitting porn addiction shouldn't be hard. It's actually quite easy. Please read the book. It's online, but I was able to download the pdf. It's simply called EasyPeasyPatterson is giving it away for free
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Nov 8, 2021 16:05:37 GMT -7
Celebrating day 14.
I'm done. I'm no longer a user. I'm an ex-user; a non-user.
This is the first time I'm saying something like this in over 27 years.
The more I progress, the more I sense God moving me on a different path than previously instructed by the 12 steps.
I'm not going to criticize the 12 steps. They've helped a lot. And when I was part of it, I feel God was using them in a great way. I envied those people who never relapsed. Sometimes, they would even crave. But God had a better way for me. Wow! God really has favor for me. Looking back on my relapses, simply God's way of nudging me in a better direction. 3 second rule... Not working for me. Fantasies... Still no. If it works don't fix it, nope. Because it's broken, or stops working oh, it's time for me to fix it. And if trying harder doesn't work oh, it's time for me to try different. This too shall pass... Not exactly a good long-term strategy for me.
I stopped craving. The cravings didn't stop until I stopped the craving. Besides, I can't crave without fantasizing. And when I fantasize, I get high. And then I start the dopamine cycle all over again. I don't want porn. It does nothing for me. It has no value.
And when I say porn, I'm not just referring to watching XXX videos. I'm referring to at all; fornication; masturbation with fantasy, fantasy without masturbation, lusting at women walking down the street, getting high from checking out girls in FB. It's all porn. Any type of two-dimensional act or thought devoid of any commitment, communication, intimacy, trust, and all that other emotional stuff I don't understand is not sex, it's porn to me. I can do the same thing with the look of lust as I can with an x-rated magazine. Neither one has value. And I don't envy users. I pity them.
For virtually all of my life, I've been a user. I've discovered that even before I was six years old sneaking a peek at that portal mag at the magazine rack, I was already addicted before then. How? Because for years before that, I was already getting high off of fantasies; fantasies where I imagine seeing girls without clothes on. I didn't view a whole lot of pornography until I was 19, but it didn't matter. I found enough porno material on the TV, on the radio, on the street, in my sister's girly magazines, in the library to keep the cycle going.
And for all of my life, I was duped, brainwashed to think that what I was addicted to what's the best thing in the world. In my bubble, nothing felt better; not even close. What's sad is that I called this sex. But it isn't sex. I confused it with porn thinking that it was ten times better than anything else in the world. I gave it way more value than it deserved. But in my bubble, it really felt and seemed that way. Between sessions of using, the dopamine would wear off, and my body would crave again. And over the years, My flesh was conditioned to believe there nothing was better than this. But all that was happening was that in between sessions, I would get moody, depressed, angry, irritable, obsessing until I relieved myself of the symptoms when I acted out. And I called it sex. I thought it was sex. When I heard others talk about sex, I actually was thinking of porn. I knew nothing else. I still know nothing else. Except now, I know that porn has no value and I'm not going to use it.
I used to believe that most women weren't good at sex. But now, I understand the truth, that most women aren't good at porn. The one that's not good at sex is me. I doubt if I even know what real genuine sex is.
I'm free from porn. But I'm still doing recovery. Because I have a lot to work on with my NGS, my toxic shame, and this new life ahead of me. Praise God.
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javajake
Silver Member
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Occupation: retired
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Post by javajake on Feb 26, 2022 14:18:22 GMT -7
I like your insight and approach to this journey Kevin! Yes we need to watch our backs all the time. I went 2 years porn free probably a year after my secret sin was exposed. This was about 20 years ago. Sure I had issues during this time with fantasies and occasional masturbation but no porn. But playing with any of that made me vulnerable to diving back in. Take one day at a time! You encourage me brother!
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KevinesKay
Administrator
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 27, 2022 18:19:30 GMT -7
I like your insight and approach to this journey Kevin! Yes we need to watch our backs all the time. I went 2 years porn free probably a year after my secret sin was exposed. This was about 20 years ago. Sure I had issues during this time with fantasies and occasional masturbation but no porn. But playing with any of that made me vulnerable to diving back in. Take one day at a time! You encourage me brother! I was 3 years pornography free about 15 years ago. But my mind and eyes were still a mess. I never thought it would be so challenging to regain what I lost after relapsing. But that's what the drug does. It sucks me in, and then makes me want more.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 2, 2022 8:50:25 GMT -7
So the above diagram describes my using pattern. The acting out session is characterized by the upward spike coming from a low point to a high point. And then, after the dopamine wears off, I become more moody, irritable, craving, obsessing, anxious, angry, frustrated, afraid. Notice that as I continue acting out, my natural state of pleasure slowly declines. Whereas, the non-user has no such decline in pleasure. But it's this upward spike that confuses me. I'm deluded into thinking that porn is making me feel good; that I'm getting a high. But from looking at this diagram, it's not really a high. I call it more of a ride. And the ride is giving me an illusion that porn is actually doing something for me. But instead, as I'm continuing on each session, my state of happiness ultimately goes down. All of this anger, irritability, fear, frustration, is actually being caused by my addiction to porn. I'm confused into thinking that all this bad stuff is from the natural course of life, and that I'm using porn to medicate myself from it. But instead, I'm actually just relieving the withdrawal pangs that were caused by porn to begin with. Over time, I will tend to increase my usage or graduate to more higher levels of porn in order to reach the same high point as before. That's because my body is developing a dopamine resistance. My brain is telling myself that it's getting too much stimulation. Unfortunately, as my brain desensitizes itself from my porn use, it also conditions itself to be desensitized to all other pleasure such as eating, enjoying nature, having friendships, making music, etc.
After years of conditioning my brain, this ride that I refer to confuses me to think that porn gives me the ultimate pleasure; ten times better than anything in the world. And note, when I use the term porn, I'm referring to the whole spectrum from acting out sexually with affairs, strip joints, or prostitutes, to watching porn online, to masturbation with fantasy, to lusting after women in church, to simply entertaining a fantasy with someone else's wife to alter my mood.
In this above diagram, one can see the extraordinary high amount of value that I was assigning to porn. I really felt that I was making a huge sacrifice by quitting it. It felt real. But I'm telling you that I was falling for an illusion. According to my soul, I was making the logical choice by choosing porn over everything else. But the truth is that porn has no value. Understanding that changed everything. Notice that the non-user is in a better state of happiness than the user. In order to get to that same state of contentment, all I need to do is stop using. Eventually, the state of normalcy will come. This won't work if I stop while continue to mope about it and entertain thoughts of acting out. And I won't envy other users. I pity them. They need my pity. And it helps me to reject any teaching that assigns value to porn. This includes the belief of powerlessness and the concept of getting high. I'm not against others using such terms if it's helpful to them. They're just not helpful to me.
Anyways, my counter is 12 minutes away from reading day 128. It's a good feeling. Take care everyone. God bless you and have a great sober Wednesday.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Jul 15, 2022 20:35:05 GMT -7
I've had a perverted depraved mind for all of my life. Thinking that everyone must feel like me, I based my relationships around sex. I assumed that all the women around me did the same. That they loved sex so much that relationships were necessary to fulfill that need. And I've allowed my brain to be influenced and conditioned by the messages I learned in TV, radio, movies, pornography, fashion, Etc. For me, as a man, I had one goal for a task. That was to have as much sex with as many women as I possibly could. Many successful men would look at my goal as pathetic; the lowest quality goal that one could pursue. So in my toxic shame, I pursued validation from women. Thinking that they must be just like me, I felt rejected when I Witnessed women pick other men over me. They like sex so much, why aren't they having it with me? Am I that unattractive? No, maybe I'm not romantic enough. Maybe I'm doing something wrong. Maybe I'm not working hard enough to get their attention. Maybe if I try to get a woman that is uglier, or fatter, or older, or wears less clothing, then I will be more successful.
That wasn't the problem. I wasn't seeing reality. My faulty paradigm was leading me to a faulty life.
I have come to accept the fact that my mind is deluded. Perverted. What I sense and feel with my mind, eyes, and body is not reality. It's a false reality. I don't have a problem with addiction, the problem is my mind is perverted. And I've used masturbation and pornography as instruments to further indulge my perverted fantasies. Take away pornography, take away the masturbation, and yet my mind will still be filthy, my eyes will be full of lust, and my heart will still be black.
Perhaps I've mentioned it before, but God's plan for my life is not to just zap me into normalcy. His plan is to kill two birds with one stone. Because if I abide in him, if I walk in the spirit, not only will I avoid the Deeds of My Flesh, but also I will have renewed my relationship with him. And that matters most to God.
Normal men and women do not Center their relationships around sex, but instead, it's the other way around. Sex is centered around relationships. Normies love relationships. It's their whole world. That's what God is teaching me. So when a normie discusses sex, that person isn't referring to a physical act, casual, with a stranger. That person view sex only in the context of a relationship. Normies don't have sex without relationship. Or at least the potential for a relationship. Sex is centered around relationship, not the other way around. And normies have a word for people like me who have got it backwards, perverts. I tried to avoid shaming language on myself, but I really don't have a better word. I'm not addicted to sex. I don't even know what sex is. My Distortion of reality has been perverted. Sex to me is not sex to a normie. If it's devoid of a relationship, a normie does not view sex as sex. Instead, sex without relationship is viewed as icky, gross, disgusting, perverted, brutally violent. What I think makes me feel amazing, actually makes others feel bad.
I'm Accepting that all these women that I've lusted after have no desire to have sex with me. They have no desire to have sex with anyone, save their loved ones. Nothing I can do will change that. My faulty paradigm has led me to a lie, a faulty life. Because normies live for relationships, children, families, marriage, commitment, exclusivity. Infidelity puts all this in jeopardy. When a husband cheats on his wife, it sabotages the thing that matters most to her, the relationship, the family. Sex is a small part of her life. And it is simply another facet of the relationship. She wonders why her husband would stomp on the relationship by cheating removing her security to depend on his provision for the family. She desperately desires him to be committed to her and the family. She needs that. What about the kids? They weren't planning on dad leaving for another woman. Also, a husband guilty of using porn or lust causes great insecurity. Why is he even entertaining this unless he's not really committed to her and the family? He's jeopardizing the thing that matters most to her, family and relationship.
This is universal, all the women around me are not sex freaks. They are all looking for relationship, children, family, marriage, commitment, exclusivity, love. Even the ugly ones, the fat ones, the old ones, and the ones that walk around dressed like a hooker. And a lot of men are also looking for the same thing. Sometimes, my flesh wants to look for proof that there are women out there that are different; women that are willing to have casual sex with no relationship. That's a perversion, not the norm. Pornography reinforces this perverted mindset.
I've not given my mind or my eyes the freedom to indulge in such lies. I accept and embrace reality. It does me no good to lust after another women that is simply not what my flesh portrays her to be. It's still just easier not to look than to look without lusting. I can see women better when I'm not looking at them. Still if I end up glacing at a woman, I've been reminding myself that this woman is not looking to have sex with a stranger. Her priority is to develop a significant, special relationship with only one man. Sex is only a part of that relationship, not the center.
Thank you, God, for your wisdom.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Sept 29, 2022 11:27:10 GMT -7
I've been reading an old book, every Man's battle. Now it's been a while since I've read it. And when I did so, I was experiencing 2 years of sobriety in SLAA. I was grateful that someone in the church was addressing this issue. But I didn't necessarily agree with or pay attention to Fred stoeker's teachings. I still don't relate to all of the message in the book. Me being a full-fledged sex, porn, pervert, addict, maybe that's okay. But one idea in particular is sticking out to me. And that is MB and my porn use is a symptom of my uncontrolled eyes and free-racing mind.
So Fred didn't pay a whole lot of attention to pornography or masturbation in his book. His point was if one demonstrated custody of the mind and custody of the eyes, he would stop the behaviors. But if one didn't, then the behaviors would spring back up. The 12-step S-fellowship teachings contradict this. But my experience shows that Fred is absolutely correct. Mike's article, sexual sobriety isn't enough, falls right in line with this teaching. Sexual sobriety, by itself, isn't enough for God. And I've discovered that it's not enough for me as well.
I cannot expect to conquer porn or MB without addressing complete and total custody of my mind in my eyes. If I lust after another woman or entertain a fantasy, perhaps it's not technically loss of sobriety. But it does the same amount of damage as a recovering alcoholic taking that first drink.
Here's my problem. I can't do it. I've tried. I cannot. My flesh is weak. My mind and eyes are fragile. My flesh is going to do what the flesh is going to do. And God's not going to zap my mind. Nor is he going to zap my eyes so that I can check out all the women without lusting after them. But that's not what God wanted to fix.
God doesn't want to fix my flesh. He wants me to stop walking in the flesh altogether. In Mike's book, the road to Grace, he talks about a strategy called turn and connect. It's a correct strategy. For when temptation comes and arises, one should stop focusing on the problem and trying to solve it in the flesh. It would be an opportune time, to acknowledge God and call upon Him for help. The word of God does say to acknowledge Him in all of my ways. But for me, when I choose to connect, when is it ever okay for me to disconnect? Since my flesh is so filthy. I shouldn't be giving myself any permission to not walk in the spirit. If Jesus said that without him I could do nothing, why do I try to do so much without him? And thus, the question for me is not whether I've lusted or fantasized. But rather, the question is am I walking in the spirit or am I walking in the flesh? And am I walking continually in the spirit? Am I praying without ceasing? Am I continually abiding in Jesus understanding that he is the vine and I am simply a branch that needs to remain in Him.
As I look around this world, I see many people demonstrating the ability to maneuver themselves in the flesh. They make pretty good choices. Their subconscious self doesn't seem to be as damaged as mine is. But that doesn't matter to God. Because regardless of my outer behavior, if I'm not walking in the spirit continually, every second of my life, I am out of this will. It doesn't matter how perfect of a tree I am. Jesus just wants to know me. He wants to be my shepherd. Thus, I need to be a sheep. I have to stop taking control. I surrender my right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. By continually dwelling in his presence in an attitude of prayer through everything that I do whether I'm eating, driving, working, arguing with my wife, I'm demonstrating that I'm walking in the spirit. And if I walk in the spirit, I'm not walking in the flesh. And I won't gratify it's desires to indulge in it's perversion.
The question stops becoming did I make time for God? Now the new question is did I ever throughout the day leave God's presence?
It's been a good day for me today. God is bigger than any monster inside my flesh.
To my wife, Iris, I love you.
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