KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 1, 2015 15:49:42 GMT -7
Nikanor, it's good to hear back from you. Thank you. I appreciate the insight that you provided. I will definitely find a way to include my wife more in this process.
To everyone, as you may or may not know, I have much more to learn. I may be sober from porn and masturbation, but I'm not pure. There have been moments in which I've checked out a woman too long or took a second look. I've made a promise to my wife that I would share with her when those moments of visual and imaginary adulteries happened. Pretty challenging, huh? Well, I'd have to admit that I've been pretty honest when sharing those moments. It's not easy though. She can take it pretty hard. I don't blame her. It honestly has been easier for me just to take more custody of my eyes and thoughts knowing that if I don't, I will have to tell her.
Also, here is my To-Do list for the week.
Prayer 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 Bible 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 Worship 1 1 1 1 Wife 1 1 Family 1 1 1 1 1 Clean 1 Workout Outreach 1 1 1
29 points. Could be worse, but could also be better. I plan to have a better week next time. This is the beginning of the quarter. I've got a lot of ambitious goals in place. Please pray for me. Thank you.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 4, 2015 12:35:55 GMT -7
Today, I had the day off of work. Which is unusual during this season. My wife and I worked on transforming our bedroom. Give me a cleaning point . I've re-read Mike's article, "Why being Sexually Sober isn't Enough". He and I share some very similar ideas about what recovery is truly about. I've played the sobriety game for a long time thinking that was the ultimate end. Then scamming myself into thinking that I could trample on my middle circle boundaries, watch sexy movies, masturbate, and still justify to myself that I'm actually sober. Perhaps I was, but I certainly wasn't pure. By the way, Mike, when I was in SAA, we always considered SA to have the harshest bottom line set with no masturbation allowed. I never figured that someone could justify the scam of using pornography without masturbating to it, and still deem oneself sober. That's a good scam. Thank you for being honest about it. I feel a little bit out of the pink cloud today. While going to the grocery store, I felt the temptation to look at other women. But I feel I maintained custody of my eyes today. And I have to say that if it wasn't for you guys cheering me on, I'm not sure I would have kept myself from acting out. Thank you and praise the Lord. Well anyways, my day started off well. I managed to take time in prayer, read my Bible, and get out my guitar and worship. I've been getting more consistent with all three of those things, lately. And I have to be honest. That was something I was not doing very much until 2 months ago. No wonder I was having trouble staying away from porn. I feel God's pleasure more in my life. That's the truth. And I feel God's pleasure in being on this forum. So thank you for having me. I also have an announcement to make. Today marks 2 months of sobriety for me from porn and masturbation. Thank you, Lord, and thank you everyone.
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Post by mike on Mar 5, 2015 7:20:51 GMT -7
> By the way, Mike, when I was in SAA, we always considered SA to have the harshest bottom line set with no masturbation allowed. I never figured that someone could justify the scam of using pornography without masturbating to it, and still deem oneself sober. That's a good scam. Thank you for being honest about it.
Unfortunately, it took years of stumbling for me to figure out that "not masturbating" was still far from the purity standard that begins in the heart which God asks for. Comparing what God said about sexual purity in Matthew 5 didn't match what they were telling me in the 12 step groups; as time went on I became increasingly uneasy about it...
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 5, 2015 15:22:03 GMT -7
Thanks for your reply, Mike. I'm honored. When I was going through the SAA, masturbation was often allowable by many of the members. My first sponsor allowed it, but he put a limit of 2 times per week. In 2005, I made the decision to embrace celibacy for the first time. Boy! Let me tell you! I was having some major withdrawal symptoms. I used masturbation as a sleeping pill for over 20 years. So major insomnia was a big problem. I also had a lot of extra feelings of anger, depression, strong sexual "burn". My left hand was actually tingling for a couple of weeks. Because I was using sex as a cure all, losing the masturbation was like taking away that last security blanket. I felt left with nothing. Nothing to lose. And that's where God wanted me. Because around Christmas of 2005, I asked God, "What do women really want?" And this time I was open to an answer different than sex. I started to see that most people (particularly women) did not get consumed by sex like I did. Women didn't value the intense physical experience that I craved. They preferred emotional experiences, something that I still have problems understanding. But to finally see it and accept it as a miraculous truth was a great gift to me. Because until then, I attempted to look for my "Magic" lady by putting my characteristics and feelings onto them. And then trying to make sense of why women didn't like pornography, or why they latched on to abusive boyfriends, or why they like bad boys, or why they showed disinterest to sex, or why they didn't seem attracted to me. I was a nice guy. They should like me. Of course, I was nice to them with the hopes that they will have sex with me. How nice is that? I used to get so mad at that. Why did they choose the men that they chose? But now, as I was coming out of my world of sex, it started to make more sense to me. Because something much different is going on in her brain than in mine. It makes sense that knowing we are physiologically different, why can't we be internally different as well? Just a little step of faith to accept that a woman's actions were showing this amazing God truth. But it first had to take me coming out of my world of counterfeit sexual acting out. Well, today was a good day. I made an outreach point today. This is how I score it. I call a friend. If he picks up and we talk, it's a point. If I get a voicemail, then I try someone else. After the third voicemail, I stop and give myself a point. Well, I left 3 voicemails today and thought I was going to get away with an easy point, until one of them called me back. It was a great talk. He's actually going to give the message at our church this Sunday and share his experiences with remaining sexually pure. So I shared with him some of my experiences, gave him some words of encouragement, and we prayed together. Lord, you are very good. Well gotta go. Thank you everybody.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 7, 2015 2:05:38 GMT -7
Hi everyone,
Yesterday was not a good day. In fact, I still don't feel that great today.
Lately, I trusted someone, and I feel like HE BURNED ME!
I'm so angry right now! I'm feeling extremely violent! The "Jihadist John" kind of violent anger.
I may have refrained from acting out in pornography and masturbation, but right now, I don't feel sober.
I'm sick, really sick! You folks only know part of my story.
Love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance; I feel none of those things.
Instead I'm feeling hatred, discord, fits of rage, dissention, factions.
This is a really bad place for me. I don't manage anger very well at all. I would usually sex my anger away. No, I don't need counseling. A lot of people have told me who I am, and what I need, and most of those people are wrong. What I do need is God, and you.
Yes, you... KevinesKay needs God, and KevinesKay needs the members of Blazing Grace.
Please pray for me, everyone. Please post your prayers here on my thread.
Pray that I come out of this period of darkness soon.
Pray that my bitterness and anger do not cause me to sin.
Please get others that you know on this forum to pray for me.
Thank you.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 9, 2015 15:55:15 GMT -7
Hello everyone, Thank you for your prayers. They all meant so much to me. I was truly in a bad place. I'm not very proud of how I handled myself lately. I want to let all of you know that I'm truly sorry for letting my anger get out of control. Your prayers meant a lot. The Bible says that the prayer of a righteous man availeth much. I want you guys to know that I don't think it matters if any of you have 1 year of sobriety, 1 month of sobriety, or 1 day. God must consider you righteous. Otherwise, your prayers would not have availed this much. So thank you again.
I'm learning not to assume that I'm all okay just because I'm sober from porn and masturbation. I have much more wrong with me than that. I've made myself accountable to my wife for my thoughts, and I'm finding out that my thoughts of anger and rage outweigh my thoughts of lust by about 3 to 1.
My wife has commented that she would wish I would have the same drive for my family as I do on Blazing Grace. And I get "puffed up" and overly confident while posting. I think she's right. So please also forgive me for my self-centeredness. I truly love all of you.
My wife requested I make revisions to my goals that would make her feel more loved. I will comply.
Also, I still need to share my To-Do list for last week.
Prayer 1 1 1 1 1 1 1
Bible 1 1 1 1 1 1 1
Worship 1 1 1 1 1 1 1
Wife 1
Family 1 1
Clean 1 1 1 1
Workout
Outreach 1 1 1
31 Points. Wife points and workout points did not really happen this past week. That will be my challenge to raise those for this week.
Thank you, and bless you all.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 15, 2015 7:12:02 GMT -7
Thank you to Steve and Nikanor for your great replies. During the past couple of months, I had the chance to read all 4 Gospels. And while reading Luke, there was something that caught my attention that I never recognized before.
At the last supper, Jesus tells his disciples to go buy swords. They respond that they have 2. Anyways, I noticed that the disciples were getting themselves ready to fight a physical war to take over Jerusalem. And later, when Judas led the Pharisees to take Jesus away, they believed that then was the time to fight. Peter even cuts someone's ear off. And then Jesus rebukes him. What's going on?
As I was reading, I was understanding that the disciples had missed the battle. Jesus was fighting the real battle on his knees saying, “Not my will, but yours be done, Father.†And several times, Jesus found them sleeping. “Keep watch and pray; the spirit is ready, but the flesh is weak.â€
I, myself, have caught myself fighting the wrong battle. So I recognize that by concentrating on my spiritual growth through prayer, worship, reading the Word, fellowshipping with other believers, I realize that that's where the real battle is. And if I miss the that battle, then my flesh has to fight a losing tooth and nail battle against its desire to act out with pornography and masturbation. Some of us have referred to that as “white knucklingâ€.
So if you ask me if this is hard. Well, it's hard for me to make it a habit to keep my quiet time every morning with the Lord. It's hard to play my guitar every day. It's hard for me to spend quality time with my wife and family. It's hard to practice outreach by going to church or making a phone call to friends.
But it's not as hard as fighting my addiction; which is something I've not been doing during this time.
I understand that sometimes I've just got to grit my teeth and get through the temptation, but that is not my main strategy. My previous experience has taught me that mindset only goes so far and so long.
I try to avoid the word deliverance in sharing my experience. Because, many times, I've given others the impression that I was delivered only to fall back into my old self again. But currently, there are no demons tormenting me. And if they are around, they are not feeling very good. One day, I had a friend from my 12-step group needing a place to stay for the night. And I invited him to stay overnight at my place. Being that he was a chronic relapser, I ensured that my place was pretty “addict-proofed†giving few ways to act out. But he must have noticed that my life was not just about avoiding the addiction. Sometime later, he said to me that he could see 4 angels surrounding me as I was sleeping in my bed that night. And right now, I feel the presence of angels in my life. So if you ask me if I have received deliverance, I suppose I have. But I also understand that if I do not make a decision to abide in Jesus every day, I'm inviting those same demons back into my life again. And they'll probably bring some reinforcements.
These past couple of days, my wife and I have noticed that our 7 year old daughter is starting to get up in the morning to pray and worship God with her new ukulele. Pretty cute, eh? She's noticing that I've been doing it, and it's encouraging her. I guess my decisions do affect those around me, whether good or bad.
I put a lot of work into my boundaries. My inner and middle circle boundaries give me clear understanding of what is not permissible. Crossing any of my inner circle boundaries is automatic loss of sobriety. For instance, if walk into a XXX bookstore and immediately walk out without seeing anything. Well, that's loss of sobriety, and I can be OK with that. I shouldn't be near that place to begin with. As for pornography, I use for myself, the Playboy standard. If what I'm viewing is at least as sexually explicit as a Playboy magazine, it's loss of sobriety. Thus, viewing a movie such as “50 Shades of Gray†would be considered acting out for me. Of course, that doesn't mean I should allow myself to be lusting after other women regardless of the circumstance.
But what I really want to focus on is my outer circle. Instead of saying to myself, “I can't do this. I can't do that. Life is no longer fun.†I view my outer circle as the many more numerous things that I can do outside of my boundaries. Actually, when I'm acting out, that's when I'm truly in prison because I'm keeping myself from doing the many other things that I want to do with my life. Acting out sexually does feel good to me. But the good feelings always lead to bad ones, and feeling good about myself is much more important. Now, it's time to show my To-Do list for the week.
Prayer 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 Bible 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 Worship 1 1 1 1 1 1 Wife 1 1 Family 1 1 1 1 Clean 1 1 1 Workout Outreach 1 1 1
Today marks a day in which I graciously receive 10 full weeks of sobriety from all of my inner circle behaviors including pornography and masturbation. But also, this week, I scored 32 points. And no one can take that away. I want to continue on this path and would like to shoot for 35 points next time. I feel that I need more growth.
Thank you everyone for being here. God has used you to help me experience some victory. Without you, it probably wouldn't have been possible. Believe me, sharing my experiences here on almost a daily level has much effectiveness. Oftentimes, I feel it's been more effective than a 12-step meeting in which I only attend once per week. I know that the 12 steps have a lot of merit. But personally, for me, working the steps, by themselves, did not get me to where I needed to be. Only when I chose to demonstrate that I was taking care of my spiritual life did things began to turn around. Showing my To-Do list to the group was not anyone's idea but my own. But I did and it was very effective. That's why I feel it's important do the same here. By the way, feedback is always welcome for me. If you have a word of encouragement or wisdom, I always encourage you to share it with me. 12 steps groups have a “no feedback†rule. You can say what you want, and the rest respond with, “Thank you, Kevin.†It can be reassuring, but this is not a 12-step group. We're more like a church. Iron sharpens iron, and we can encourage ourselves to sharpen each other. So thank you again.
Lord, continue to work in my life and the lives of my friends here at Blazing Grace. We pray this in Jesus' name. Thank you and amen.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 29, 2015 8:52:56 GMT -7
All right everyone, here's my new To-Do list for last week. Prayer 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 Bible 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 Worship 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 Pray w/ wife 1 1 1 1 1 1 Outreach 1 1 1 1 1 Wife 1 1 Family 1 1 1 Clean 1 Workout 38 Points. My new goal is 45, so I want to do better this week. Thanks to a special friend from BG that PMed me yesterday , I arranged a special date last night with my wife. We went out to a nice pizza restaurant. We took the girls, but it was still very special. There, my wife told me that for the first time in 9 years, she feels like we are one. Then we had a nice romantic drive to the emergency room! Yippee! Actually, she's had an infection in her elbow for almost 2 months now. Her arm was getting worse and we didn't know what was going on. But she's on medicine now. Praise the Lord! My wife and I have been having some deep conversations. She's been answering a lot of my questions about love, and trust. I learned that for her to not put her trust in me, but on God, is extremely hard for her. It is her desire to trust me. Trusting in my honesty, loyalty, and dependability provide a great sense of security for her. And to redirect that trust to God can threaten that sense of security. But it makes it easier for her to do since I'm practicing more honesty, loyalty, transparancy, and love to her. That's the one thing that's good about Blazing Grace. My wife can see everything that's going on in my recovery. I missed the 12-step fellowships that I was a part of, but my wife hated them. She didn't know who I was associating myself with. She had little information about what I was getting from them. At the end of each meeting, there was the saying. Remember, who you see here, what you hear here, when you leave here, let it stay here.
Keeping the secret about who was there and what was mentioned was the most horrible thing about my meetings to her. But I didn't understand. However, to appease her, I stopped going.... And then my addiction resurfaced.... And that's why I'm here. KevinesKay wrote: I like looking at my old posts. It allows me to acknowledge God's hand in my life after a couple of short months. I can still sense the desperation in my words. Back then, I was really afraid that my wife would find a way to make me stop posting, but instead, she got involved herself. So I'm really grateful that the Lord used BG to help restore me and bring us together. Thank you, everyone.
1) Have I spent time abiding in Jesus via prayer, reading the Bible, worshiping, fellowshiping, witnessing, etc? Yes, I did my Bible reading and prayer time this morning. I also worshipped with my guitar this morning. Since our youngest daughter was sick, we stayed at home and did our own church service today. 2) Have I acted out by crossing any Inner Circle behaviors? No 3) Have I crossed any Middle Circle behaviors? I admitted to wiltingiris that there was a lot of temptation to check out other women at our date last night. I think I did a good job of keeping custody of my eyes, but it wasn't easy. Oh, and I have an announcement, as of today, by the grace of God, I have received 12 weeks of sobriety from all of my inner circle behaviors including pornography and masturbation. Thank you Lord!
KK
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Apr 6, 2015 3:44:32 GMT -7
Hey everyone,
I've been busy. But it's good to get back to this.
Well, Easter is coming to an end. We drove our oldest son from college last Thursday, and my mother came yesterday. They are both still here. And today, my sister-in-law came over with her 4 kids. We had a huge Easter egg hunt in our yard tonight. We waited until dark, and they had to use flashlights to find the eggs .
My mother will go back to Michigan tomorrow morning. And we'll drive my son back to college tomorrow night after we celebrate our youngest daughter's birthday. She'll be turning 4 on Wednesday. The trip to my son's college is about 2 hours each way. So it will be a long night. Luckily, I have Tuesday off. So hopefully, I will get some rest that day.
This Easter has been a special one. The Lord has made quite an impression on all of us. My wife and I are very grateful for BlazingGrace and what God has done for us through it this year.
Got back into SettingCaptivesFree after taking a few days off. Today's lesson was about feeding on God's Word on a continuing basis.
But also I wanted to share something dear to my heart to all of my friends at Blazing Grace. I feel so sad reading some of your posts. Some of them have been enlightening. It's true that we experiencing a lot of grief. That's normal. And I've been tempted to grieve some of my losses as well. But it's against my Outer Circle...
Keep a positive attitude. Acknowledge and be grateful for all the good gifts that God has given you. Exercise, develop, and appreciate these gifts as opposed to feeling sorry and pitiful for what you don’t have.
I spent so many years of my life in grief to last me the rest of my life. I understand that it's really easy to focus on the things I don't have. And I could sit on the "pity potty" for a long time. But this does not work for me. Yes, I need to feel the pain and loss. And I need to grieve. But I also need to allow myself to see the positive side as well. Focusing on what I've lost or don't have will fuel resentment that will lead to bad choices later. So I try to keep a positive mentality. And I do not do a negative program. Trust me. I've learned this one the hard way....
I wanted to share my grateful inventory:
Grateful Inventory
God
women
my wife
my children
my job
my home
my church
my online support group
my friends
my exercise room
my two good running cars
my ability to fix cars
my mother
salvation
s*x
my addiction
music
the Bible
my life
my country
hearing
taste
sight
touch
smell
my pastor
my co-workers
my boss
my education
the sun
Jesus
my neighborhood
food
my legs
my feet
my arms
my hands
computers
the internet
television
radio
K-Love
cellphones
tablets
dvd and bluray players
toys
games
football
Seattle Seahawks
money
my clothes
water
stuffed animals
sleep
sweets
birthdays
 
I also mentioned my power gratitudes on an earlier post[user=5367]KevinesKay[/user] wrote: But also, I wanted to share some additional power gratitudes. These were part of my power gratitudes before I met wiltingiris. I had failed my first marriage. I had no children. I was all alone, and came back to SLAA after my arrest for solicitation of a prostitute. During this period, I decided to choose a period of celibacy for myself. And these may not apply to my life right now, but I know that they will minister to those that are facing a broken relationship. So here they are:
Being alone at this time gives me a great opportunity to improve myself and develop my interests such as weightlifting, Tai Chi Chuan, and guitar playing. Many people do not have this kind of time to do all of these things.
My living environment at this time is very calm, peaceful, and serene. There are few distractions in my life compared to the lives of others.
My life is currently free of excessive stress. My job has very little "paperwork" that is leftover until the next morning. I have no children to worry about. And I am not currently dealing with any people problems that would inevitably come with having a relationship.
I have a lot of freedom. I can go wherever and do whatever I please. I have no commitments to other people that would compel me to be restricted to one place or one circumstance.
 
During the time I held on to these power gratitudes, I was not getting "sex". Nor was I getting "love". (You know, the romantic kind comprised of going on a date, falling in love with someone, getting married, romance, etc.) And as "sex" and "love" addicts, we tend to base a whole lot of our happiness on whether or not we get these two things. But I acknowledged despite the fact that I was not getting those two things, I still had a whole lot more than nothing. Thinking about it, I recognized that I could see the glass as half-full or half-empty. Which way of thinking do you think is going to benefit me more? And I had to admit that up until that point of my life. My life was never better. I had more life and joy and insight than I had at any other period of my life before then.
 
Philippians 4:8King James Version (KJV)
8ÂFinally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
It doesn't matter what situation we are in. By being here on Blazing Grace, we should all find much to be grateful for. The Bible says that we should practice being content in all situations.
 
1 Corinthians 7:27
Art thou bound unto a wife? seek not to be loosed. Art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife.
 
Matthew 19:9-12 New King James Version (NKJV)
And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.
His disciples said to Him, If such is the case of the man with his wife, it is better not to marry.
But He said to them, All cannot accept this saying, but only those to whom it has been given: For there are eunuchs who were born thus from their mother's womb, and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He who is able to accept it, let him accept it.
So after sharing this, I would ask the rest of the people on this forum, "What is your grateful inventory?" and "What are your power gratitudes?" We should have them regardless of whether we're married or not. I see this as an opportunity for one to receive more joy and fulfillment from God and life than ever before. And I hope that others here can learn to see it in a similar way. I'm not saying that one should not grieve, but I want to encourage all of us not to stay in that stage. It's important to look forward to the stages of repair and growth.
 
I also need to share my To-Do list for last week.
Prayer 1 1 1 1 1 1 1
Bible 1 1 1 1 1 1 1
Worship 1 1 1 1 1 1 1
Pray w/ wife 1 1
Outreach 1 1
Wife 1
Family 1 1 1 1 1
Clean 1 1 1 1 1 1
Workout 0
37 points is not meeting my goal. I realize that if I had made my daily outreach calls and prayed with my wife daily, I would have easily made over 45 points. So I intend to work on that one.
 
One more thing, I plan to post this on the announcement thread, but as of yesterday, I achieved 3 months of sobriety from all of my inner circle behaviors including pornography and masturbation. Thank you, Lord, for this gift.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Apr 11, 2015 1:58:50 GMT -7
Hey everyone,
Been a little down these past few days. Otherwise, I've still been making good choices with myself. Looking back on these past 3 months, I've noticed my life has been remarkably different. I remember when I attended my first SAA meeting when I was only 23 years old. And I have learned so much during these past 20 years. I wish it took me less time, but I guess I'm a slow learner. But if I were to teach the "younger Kevin" what to do, I would stress the following:
1) Practice daily accountability
Having a meeting once a week isn't enough for me. Even if I have to have multiple accountability partners to ensure I have someone to share with daily, that's allright. Daily phone calls to friends or group members are a must. I should not wait until I'm feeling the "burn". Calling people not only helps me out of my social anorexia, but also creates a habit that makes it easier for me to reach out when I'm not doing well. Online accountability helps too. For anyone reading this and hasn't yet gotten involved in posting his/her own experience, please note that sharing my progress through my own thread really helps... a lot.
2) Practice consistent daily quiet time with the Lord.
I honestly never have put much emphasis on a daily commitment with the Lord until recently. I know that pastors talk about the importance of that a lot. But it's something that wasn't too encouraged in my 12-step environment. Thus, my quiet times were very sporadic. But now, it's crucial that I have my daily quiet times. And I hold myself accountable daily for these quiet times with other people. That is crucially important.
3) Practice transparency with my wife.
I've always been afraid of sharing everything with my wife. But now I recognize its importance in building intimacy and trust. So she is my main accountability partner. Now, that means that she may have some emotional reaction to my thoughts and actions. So I will need other accountability partners to provide me support. But if she knows everything that is on my mind and life, she feels more confident that I'm desiring purity and honesty in our relationship. This includes everything from how my relationship with God is doing, to whether or not I've acted out, or crossed any boundaries, or checked out any women, or entertained any fantasies, or had any angry violent thoughts, etc. Habitual honesty also is a big motivator in keeping my thoughts and my actions pure. Knowing that I will tell my wife if I've been impure will motivate me to refrain from crossing that line to begin with. Also, I see that having my wife know that everything in my recovery is visible to her on Blazing Grace can create a sense of truth and safety for her.
4) Practice positive healthy behaviors in my life.
You guys hear me mention my outer circle. It's not enough to just stop the porn and masturbation. I need to replace it with something good. This helps to me demonstrate self-love. It will also prevent the chances of "white knuckling" and help me to maintain a positive attitude. Positive attitude is very important during this process. Also, it's important that I hold myself accountable for doing these positive behaviors. Most days, I'm now so focused on filling my day with positive behaviors that there really isn't any time for porn or masturbation.
5) Do not ignore the borderline behaviors.
You know those behaviors. They are fantasizing, checking out women, flirting with women, watching R-rated movies, MB. If I don't keep a lid on those behaviors as well, I'm simply committing FP to set myself up to act out again in more destructive ways. For instance, the 3-second rule does not apply to me. As Mike mentioned, three seconds is a long time to objectify a woman. If my wife catches me ogling another woman for 3 seconds, she would not be happy.
6) Have your boundaries listed out on paper.
I think that this was the only thing I got right in my first year. My 3-circles boundary sheet clearly lists my inner, middle, and outer circle boundaries. As I mentioned before, they should be very specific. Thus, if I have any question about whether or not a behavior is crossing the line, I should be able to tell by reviewing my boundary sheet.
7) Have a disaster recovery plan.
In case I do act out, my disaster recovery plan will help me to regain my composure. It's bad enough to act out. It's another thing to butcher up my To-Do list with a 10 point week because I was so "down in the dumps" because I couldn't take care of myself. Receiving a 1-2 punch from the devil is not a good thing to experience. The plan is designed so that I'm challenged to make amends to myself quickly and bounce back from a slip or relapse.
1) Have I spent time abiding in Jesus via prayer, reading the Bible, worshiping, fellowshiping, witnessing, etc? Yes. I read my Bible and spent time in prayer this morning. I plan to spend a worship time when I get done with work today. Plus, I will call a friend.[/align]
2) Have I acted out by crossing any Inner Circle behaviors? No.[/align]
3) Have I crossed any Middle Circle behaviors? I've been feeling a little "burn", but otherwise "no".
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Apr 16, 2015 14:15:00 GMT -7
I have not been able to post for a few days. My main computer has DansGuardian and does not allow me to post. So I have to use my wife's computer. So below are my notes for yesterday. As for today, it's had some challenges. My family has been acting real crazy today. My wife can contest. All the more reason to make sure we get some extra God time before we go to bed. 4/15/15 Today has been a good day. I've not only managed to keep custody of my eyes today, but I did a lot of things on my day off today. I fixed the caulking on the kitchen sink and bathroom tub. I fixed the leaking drain on the upstairs sink. I fixed the brakes in my wife's car.
I'm actually enjoying the Setting Captives Free more and more each day. Today was a very refreshing lesson. It was about always being vigilant. And four specific things that were encouraged to do to keep this vigilance are listed below. 1. Make sure to attend a Bible Believing church (Hebrews 10:25). The importance of this cannot be overemphasized. 2. Have daily accountability (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12; Heb. 3:13). 3. Seek the Lord daily (Proverbs 2:1-5; Hebrews 11:6) 4. Drag every known sin, and even temptation, into the light. If you struggle with something, humble yourself and talk to someone about it (John 3:19-21). The lesson also shared examples of previous students that had victory, but then fell again to pornography because they didn't keep vigilant. Hmmmm, I'm starting to feel that maybe my beliefs aren't so different from many Christians after all. You see, I've always had a problem with the word, deliverance. I accepted it when people shared how they were delivered from drugs, alcohol, and pornography, but I didn't see that as my experience. I never got deliverance, at least not the way I thought deliverance was supposed to be. To me, I thought that deliverance meant that I would never have to worry about falling into porn again. I was free! I could say, “I'll never, ever do porn again! Praise the Lord! Look at me! Blah, blah, blah.†But that never happened. I realized that I could not keep these “never forever†promises that I kept breaking. But I see now, that it doesn't mean that I can't receive deliverance. My concept of “what deliverance truly is†was warped. I'm recognizing that deliverance is a daily thing that I receive by the grace of God. It's not a one time event, and then I'm cured. It's a constant, daily process of acknowledging that I need Jesus, and he gives me the grace to live according to His will on a day by day basis. So am I delivered? Yes I am... today. And I rest assured that I will not use pornography or masturbation again so long as I continue to abide in Jesus and stay vigilant. The moment I lose focus of that and turn my back on Satan, he gives me that nasty “head kick†from behind. (Thanks for the illustration, Stev64) And then I'm back to acting out again. 1) Have I spent time abiding in Jesus via prayer, reading the Bible, worshiping, fellowshiping, witnessing, etc?     Yes. I read my Bible and spent time in prayer and worship this morning.  I also just got of the phone with a good Christian friend of mine. 2) Have I acted out by crossing any Inner Circle behaviors?   No. 3) Have I crossed  any Middle Circle behaviors?   No. 
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on May 4, 2017 18:06:47 GMT -7
> By the way, Mike, when I was in SAA, we always considered SA to have the harshest bottom line set with no masturbation allowed. I never figured that someone could justify the scam of using pornography without masturbating to it, and still deem oneself sober. That's a good scam. Thank you for being honest about it. Unfortunately, it took years of stumbling for me to figure out that "not masturbating" was still far from the purity standard that begins in the heart which God asks for. Comparing what God said about sexual purity in Matthew 5 didn't match what they were telling me in the 12 step groups; as time went on I became increasingly uneasy about it... So I've been thinking about something for the past few days. As I've shared before, being so disgusted at what I've done, I haven't had the desire to even entertain the fantasies in my mind for several weeks. But although, I may be sober from the acting out behaviors for some time, I must admit that I've been guilty of entertaining sexual fantasies and lust throughout the years. I have not demonstrated good custody of my eyes, mind, and heart. For most of my life, I gave up on the idea that I could live a lust-free life. That I was just going to have to accept that fantasies and lust were never going to go away, and I just have to manage that the best that I can. Perhaps, I was right. I mean after trying to unsuccessfully eradicate all lust in addition to abstaining from P and MB, I failed miserably for so many years. And it's been like pealing an onion. Intrinsic motivation has rang true in my life. I wasn't intrinsicly motivated to stop the P, until I wound up in jail. I wasn't intrinsicly motivated to stop the MB until it stopped working as a sleeping pill. And the intrinsic motivator that I'm fantasizing about a world full of abuse, s*x trafficking, STDs, rape, greed, death... Well, I can't even think about it anymore. So mike's comment above from 2 years ago is finally coming to life. It's real good to abstain from P, MB, and other sinful s*xual behaviors. But the real battle, and the real filter, is in my own mind, and in my own heart. Roman 12:2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.Matthew 5:28 But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.Exodus 20:17 You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.It turns out that God's standard of purity has been established since the beginning of creation. He expects my mind, thoughts, and eyes to be pure. But can I really keep custody of my eyes and mind throughout a whole day? Apparently so, because I haven't been guilty of lust and fantasy since March 20th of this year. So that makes day 45 for me, lust-free, fantasy-free. And I desire to keep adding to the days. So I've been listening to podcasts, watching videos, on sermons and documentaries on the s*x and porn industry almost every morning. Along with reading the Bible. I've filled my mind with so much junk, I need to constantly fill it with truth. And it's been working so far. I don't know how long this stretch will last, but if I find myself giving into fantasy and lust again, I will reset. I'm still grateful for staying sober from P and MB, I'm just finding myself motivated to take it to the next level. In a near future post, I intend to make a list of intrinsic motivators to keep custody of my eyes and mind. Thank you.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jun 26, 2017 4:53:37 GMT -7
1 Like Topic Controls Reply Watching You will receive notifications because you created this topic. Suggested Topics Checking in daily to help maintain focus 24 200 16mTiny1 Life in Recovery Sober selfies 62 7hthe_jamesiest Life in Recovery 125 Days and Stressed Out 2 4d Life in Recovery Recommitment pledge 8 5d Life in Recovery Dads surgery, handling his pain meds 1 5d Life in Recovery There are 28 unread and 41 new topics remaining, or browse other topics in Life in Recovery Kevin’s accountability log
I know I've been away for several days. I've been keeping very busy. I just going back to some basics. My to-do list routine is not where it should be.
I've been living unbalanced. Spending too much time on one thing while neglecting others. This past week has been a website I've been working on.
Life has been overwhelming. Yesterday, my family had a memorial service for her brother that passed away a year ago. We also had 2 birthday parties, a graduation party, and a baby shower that we attended over the weekend.
And I'm still trying to fix the brakes on my son's car. After replacing the master cylinder, I must not have bled the brakes right. Because I couldn't stop as I test drove the vehicle and couldn't stop when driving into our driveway. I ran over the trash cans, headed down a hill leading to our backyard, ran over the air conditioner, and got stopped by a pole in the ground previously used as a clothes line. 😋
Everything is ok. But I sure wish I could do a better job getting that car on the road.
Still sober from porn and masturbation, but I lost custody of my eyes and mind over the weekend.
Have a great day everyone! I know I've been away for several days. I've been keeping very busy. I just going back to some basics. My to-do list routine is not where it should be.
I've been living unbalanced. Spending too much time on one thing while neglecting others. This past week has been the Katharos website that I've been working on.
Life has been overwhelming. Yesterday, my family had a memorial service for her brother that passed away a year ago. We also had 2 birthday parties, a graduation party, and a baby shower that we attended over the weekend.
And I'm still trying to fix the brakes on my son's car. After replacing the master cylinder, I must not have bled the brakes right. Because I couldn't stop as I test drove the vehicle and couldn't stop when driving into our driveway. I ran over the trash cans, headed down a hill leading to our backyard, ran over the air conditioner, and got stopped by a pole in the ground previously used as a clothes line. 😋
Everything is ok. But I sure wish I could do a better job getting that car on the road.
Still sober from porn and masturbation, but I lost custody of my eyes and mind over the weekend.
Have a great day everyone!
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 11, 2020 17:05:55 GMT -7
I've been craving today. I'll be okay. I'm just desiring to act out a bit. I've not craved so much this year and wondered what might be going on. And then I realized that I'm at 99 days. Those stupid milestones. What is it about them? I thought I might breeze through 100 days without craving. But nooooo!
My flesh is there, patiently waiting for the next opportunity for me to let my guard down. I lost custody of my eyes and mind today. I've had better days, but I've also had much worse. I'll take it. And I won't give up,... ever.
My CR meeting was good yesterday. Last week, one of the leaders mentioned to me that I should be more careful with my words during my shares because they're borderline triggering. Well, I got a little worked up about that. I called some members. One agreed. Another chose to leave the group to attend SA because they don't talk about sex enough, and we're in a group for sexual purity. Sometimes, I feel some members there prefer to talk about their addictions to caffeine, chocolate, TV, sugar, spice, and everything nice, but they don't want to talk about what's really bothering them.
So I was concerned about whether this meeting was for me. But last night, I felt more assured. One of the leaders openly shared that he struggles with pornography, lust, and compulsive masturbation. I shared the same. And it's all good. I try to not be explicit, but I'll just be careful to chose my words wisely to not trigger anyone, yet still maintain honesty.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2020 16:24:55 GMT -7
I've been craving today. I'll be okay. I'm just desiring to act out a bit. I've not craved so much this year and wondered what might be going on. And then I realized that I'm at 99 days. Those stupid milestones. What is it about them? I thought I might breeze through 100 days without craving. But nooooo! My flesh is there, patiently waiting for the next opportunity for me to let my guard down. I lost custody of my eyes and mind today. I've had better days, but I've also had much worse. I'll take it. And I won't give up,... ever. My CR meeting was good yesterday. Last week, one of the leaders mentioned to me that I should be more careful with my words during my shares because they're borderline triggering. Well, I got a little worked up about that. I called some members. One agreed. Another chose to leave the group to attend SA because they don't talk about sex enough, and we're in a group for sexual purity. Sometimes, I feel some members there prefer to talk about their addictions to caffeine, chocolate, TV, sugar, spice, and everything nice, but they don't want to talk about what's really bothering them. So I was concerned about whether this meeting was for me. But last night, I felt more assured. One of the leaders openly shared that he struggles with pornography, lust, and compulsive masturbation. I shared the same. And it's all good. I try to not be explicit, but I'll just be careful to chose my words wisely to not trigger anyone, yet still maintain honesty. Have you been spending time fellowshipping with God? I find that when I neglect that area I have more temptations. To tell you the truth about words triggering, it really depends on the person and how hard they are being hit with temptations. You are good to try and watch what you say because you don't want to help someone stumble but ultimately it's their responsibility....it's their choice to take that step into sin.
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