KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 24, 2020 20:04:20 GMT -7
Okay, back to my history.
I mentioned before that I purchased a smartphone back in November 2016. But I forgot that between March and November of that year, I wasn't completely sober throughout those 8 months. Though our main TV was blocked, I cheated by pulling out a 2nd TV I had on me to act out on the cable and YouTube. During that time, it was taken away. It was my son's and he wanted it back.
But when I got that smartphone, I proceeded to use it to act out almost every day until March 2017; about 5 months. I then reached out for help to the Talkingsober forum after stumbling upon it via a day counter app.
The members welcomed me even though the vast majority were alcoholics and drug addicts. I was the only porn addict that was regularly posting. In a short time, I was designated as the go-to person for porn addiction. Meanwhile, I started again to post on BG. And my posts above are still there from March to July 2017. And I was in the "Pink Cloud" at that time. I wasn't even entertaining fantasies. I went 90+ days with no fantasies. But I didn't tell you guys on BG that I was recovering from relapse. I gave the impression that I never acted out. I actually stayed sober from P and MB for 115 days until I lost clarity again and acted out. And this time, I ghosted both BG and Talking Sober. And I didn't get back on the wagon for another 18 months.
I feel ashamed for what I've done and the lies that I told and lived. I let a lot of people down including myself. I'm really sorry.
To be continued ...
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Post by savedbygrace on Feb 25, 2020 6:09:56 GMT -7
Thank you; I know it was hard to share all of that.
Thanks for your encouragement to me!
With Jesus, it is today!!!! We move forward by His grace!
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 25, 2020 10:55:49 GMT -7
With Jesus, it is today!!!! We move forward by His grace! Yes, forward on we go. Thank you savedbygrace.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 25, 2020 11:46:50 GMT -7
Checking in, day 84.
It's been a better day today. I'm doing better keeping custody of my eyes and mind.
It's nice to know that each day is a new day; another opportunity to demonstrate self control.
For me, I only need to focus on saying, "No," to one lustful thought or look, the First One.
If I say, "No," to the first one, there won't be a second, or a third, or a fifth, or an eighth.
And it's easier for me to say, "No," to the first one than it is to the second, or the third, or the fifth, or the eighth.
If I don't think it, I won't crave it. And if I don't crave, I wont cave.
But if I do crave, I assure you that I WON'T CRAVE ALONE.
I'm looking forward to my Celebrate Recovery meeting tonight. I'm one week away from getting a 3 month chip. I can smell it! I'm not going to blow this one!
Yes, God is good.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Feb 25, 2020 18:17:13 GMT -7
Okay, back to my history. I mentioned before that I purchased a smartphone back in November 2016. But I forgot that between March and November of that year, I wasn't completely sober throughout those 8 months. Though our main TV was blocked, I cheated by pulling out a 2nd TV I had on me to act out on the cable and YouTube. During that time, it was taken away. It was my son's and he wanted it back. But when I got that smartphone, I proceeded to use it to act out almost every day until March 2017; about 5 months. I then reached out for help to the Talkingsober forum after stumbling upon it via a day counter app. The members welcomed me even though the vast majority were alcoholics and drug addicts. I was the only porn addict that was regularly posting. In a short time, I was designated as the go-to person for porn addiction. Meanwhile, I started again to post on BG. And my posts above are still there from March to July 2017. And I was in the "Pink Cloud" at that time. I wasn't even entertaining fantasies. I went 90+ days with no fantasies. But I didn't tell you guys on BG that I was recovering from relapse. I gave the impression that I never acted out. I actually stayed sober from P and MB for 115 days until I lost clarity again and acted out. And this time, I ghosted both BG and Talking Sober. And I didn't get back on the wagon for another 18 months. I feel ashamed for what I've done and the lies that I told and lived. I let a lot of people down including myself. I'm really sorry. To be continued ... I hope that apology was directed at yourself and that you accepted it and forgave yourself. I think we are way harder on ourselves than anyone else would be. I am glad you are back and that you are being honest. Truth sets you free. Lies just tie you up in knots. Don't let condemnation set in. You are forgiven. You are chosen of God. You are free.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 25, 2020 18:31:03 GMT -7
that is good that your taking custody of your mind not just eyes. The mind is where the battle starts. I remember in Matthew 4 where Jesus battles with the Devil using God's Word and it's my role model for how I battle the flesh, the enemy and the world.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 26, 2020 5:27:55 GMT -7
I hope that apology was directed at yourself and that you accepted it and forgave yourself. I think we are way harder on ourselves than anyone else would be. I am glad you are back and that you are being honest. Truth sets you free. Lies just tie you up in knots. Don't let condemnation set in. You are forgiven. You are chosen of God. You are free. Amen to that amymine712! Thank you. That was a big lesson for me. Honesty is the best policy. I cannot lie and cheat myself through recovery. And I am forgiven. And I won't beat myself up over it. I learn, and I press forward. And I'm really glad I'm back on BG. I see God using all of you to do some great things in my life this year.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 26, 2020 11:42:59 GMT -7
I'm checking in on day 85. Did a better job of keeping custody of my eyes and mind yesterday. I had a good CR meeting last night. Every bit helps. I'll share more about that meeting later.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 26, 2020 20:04:05 GMT -7
So last night's testimony at CR was from a couple where the husband was dealing with porn addiction.
I got a lot of takeaways from it:
* The wife shared how she would go the the bars with her friends on Saturday and go to church in the morning all hung over and guilty. It made me recall a time when I was in college and I wanted to buy porn. There was no internet back then and I didn't have a car. And I was too afraid to buy mags at the nearest convenience store because I might get discovered by someone I knew. So I walked 5 miles to another store to buy it. The man at the counter joked about my request.
"Didn't get lucky, eh?" He said. As he checked me out, he said to me, "Have fun!"
I walked home with my porn and acted out with it. The next morning, I went to church, and I was on the worship team. I was positive that God would lead that same man to our church, and I would be discovered for the hypocrite that I was. I was incredibly anxious for the entire service. Although, that man did not show up, I felt horrible and guilty all day.
* The husband shared how he was asked to do a cardboard testimony 2 months after joining CR. It reminded me that I'm only as sick as my secrets. And by eliminating the secrecy and shame, I'm reducing the fuel for my addiction.
* He mentioned trading in his fantasy for God's reality. He admitted to manipulating circumstances to get what he wanted. That is so me. I get so caught in my own frame of reference, that I cannot imagine anyone else feeling any different. I want to have sex with every woman I see. Why shouldn't they all want to have sex with me? Sorry, the Golden Rule doesn't really work like that.
* He mentioned that obedience breeds favor with God. I look back on my life and wonder how much of God's favor that I missed out on.
* They both mentioned that relapse begins in the mind.
One if the principles of Reformers Unanimous states ,"Every sin originates in the heart." In other words, you think it before you act on it.
For me, I can get pretty high off a fantasy. And I produce dopamine from that. I read that dopamine doesn't necessarily augment pleasure, but rather it increases cravings. In other words, the more I crave, the more I crave. Then the cravings lead to acting out and down the rabbit hole I go as if I never stopped. So it's important to accept being transformed by the renewing of my mind.
* One last thing he mentioned was that his standard of beauty is found solely in his wife; just like Adam's standard of beauty was found solely in Eve. He said that he sees the beauty in the women around him. But their beauty isn't a commodity that is of value in his world. I cannot say the same for my world at this time.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 27, 2020 11:34:56 GMT -7
Celebrating day 86. It's been good so far.
I made a reponse to @brokenwife7 yesterday in regards to an addict's need to find the intrinsic motivation to be sober for himself/herself.
I was surprised that no one brought up the fact that our primary reason to be sober is to please the Lord. And that is true. So let me explain.
When I'm active in my addiction, I'm completely self-centered and egocentric. I cannot see outside myself. Then, when I submit to God, knowing that it's for my best benefit, He starts to do a work in me. Through the slow process of sanctification, I transition out of my selfish world into God's loving world.
My attitude and outlook on life changes.
Self-seeking slips away.
I lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in my fellows.
And it can be a slow process. But ultimately, my motivation moves from pleasing myself to pleasing God and others. It's just that in the beginning, I'm just not there yet.
And for me, this process resets after a relapse. 🙁 That's a huge consequence to pick up all the pieces of myself and regain clarity. The process can take months or years.
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Post by savedbygrace on Feb 28, 2020 6:28:31 GMT -7
I was surprised that no one brought up the fact that our primary reason to be sober is to please the Lord. And that is true. So let me explain. When I'm active in my addiction, I'm completely self-centered and egocentric. I cannot see outside myself. Then, when I submit to God, knowing that it's for my best benefit, He starts to do a work in me. Through the slow process of sanctification, I transition out of my selfish world into God's loving world. My attitude and outlook on life changes. Self-seeking slips away. I lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in my fellows. And it can be a slow process..... Amen , and so true. If I find myself weakening and heading toward a fall, let me honestly get my eyes of ME and what gratifies ME, and onto God and His power and infinite love for me.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 28, 2020 17:34:08 GMT -7
Just checking in, day 87. Getting close to 90. Wooo Hoooo!
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 29, 2020 13:18:13 GMT -7
So back to my history. I left off after my 18 month relapse. Let me tell you, that time acting out in porn for so long really set me back. I tried on my own to get sober, but the most I could muster was about 1 week, maybe 2. My wife got into an argument with a member of BG and was warned by @mike to stop. She got bitter about that and didn't want me to be on BG either. In fact, she resisted me getting any help whatsoever. So when I joined Talking Sober in 2017, I didn't tell my wife. She would have not supported it. So I finally pop back into Talking Sober in Dec 2018. I admited that I was ashamed to have been relapsing this whole time. By that time, there were additional porn addicts on the forum. And they already knew me very well from my previous posts, and they welcomed me back. Currently there about 30 active members on the forum that share my DOC. LESSON # 1: I AM WEAK I know amymine712. you're not a big fan of this saying. And neither are a few of my friends. But it's been huge and liberating for me to accept that I don't have this under control. Because I needed to let go of my pride. Despite all I know and experienced, I have to accept that cannot do this on my own. I need help from God and others on a consistent basis. And I recall Paul writing to the Corithian church on embracing his weakness so that he can rely on the strength of God. And that also means I cannot have unrestricted access to the internet,... EVER. I left that boundary off my middle circle for the entire past 2 years. I thought if I kept myself in clarity, if I kept up with my to-do list, if I kept my relationship with God and others in check, if I kept checking in and posting, then it would compensate for this huge major violation and I would be okay, NOT. The fact that I could so easily access porn with a touch of my finger trumped everything that I was doing. And it's no wonder that I fell so hard after a brief moment of unclarity. So I slowly started to set up blocks on my phone to protect myself. It was a process, and one that I was not fully committed to. Shortly after I returned to TS (Talking Sober), my wife found my smartphone. I had kept it hidden from her for 2 years. And I had made up some story that I had just found it and put it to charge to see if it was working. (That reminds me. If she still has it in the same spot, I need to install CE on it. If the battery runs out, "Lock Me Out" stops working.) So she took it and noticed that it was password protected. I played dumb and simply offered to restore the phone to factory settings. I tried, but the Lock Me Out app installed kept it from performing. Only until weeks later, when the battery ran out, was I able to completely reset it. By then, I had already purchased a new smartphone. All this time, I'm using 2G and 3G phones in front of my family to pretend that I cannot access the internet. I was still cheating my locks and violating the boundary that I set for myself. But I did learn that it was possible to keep a smartphone without allowing access to porn. A couple months later, my wife found the new smartphone on me. I said that I was using it for work at my second job. (I use it for taking credit cards via square.) She was not happy. I showed her the locks that I set up, and this time, I set them to last all day; something that I should have done from the start. So she allowed me to use the smartphone from now on, knowing that I had locks on it. She wasn't keen about the 1 minute vulnerable weak spot where I could deactivate it at 11:59PM. But otherwise, it was working well. So guess what I did. Since I could not find a way to act out at home or on my smartphone, I immediately purchased an Amazon Tablet for $40 and acted out with it from January 2019 to March 2019. I disappeared from TS at that time. After 2 months of being fed up, I finally chose to toss the tablet into the garbage. My recovery took a better turn when I did that. Which led to LESSON # 2: IT'S TIME TO GET HONEST To be continued...
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 29, 2020 13:29:28 GMT -7
By the way, I'm celebrating day 88 today. I'll take it. 🙂
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 29, 2020 14:05:29 GMT -7
You are right I don't like that saying but as long as you realize you can do all things through Christ and His strength, we are good. 😀
You can maintain an overcoming life as long as you remain close to Christ and stay focused on Him. Also surround yourself with like minded people who will remind you of that when you lose focus. I found that out this last week. I thank God for my church family and you guys who reminded me to focus on Christ. If it weren't for you, I would have been lost.
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