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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2017 7:31:30 GMT -7
Good job kevin... you did it! You should be so proud of yourself.. Your Awesome!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 13, 2017 7:44:57 GMT -7
Kevin, good job at keeping custody of your eyes! It's a good thing for you to praise God for. He gave you the strength to resist. Stay vigilant. Satan doesn't like losing. He will try harder to get you to stumble. I am currently experiencing this. Started with finding bro's porn stash, that didn't work so friends started posting inappropriate crap on Facebook. I had to make a post about it and am in the process of unfriending those that didn't heed my warning. But talk about temptations...ugh.
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Post by savedbygrace on Jun 1, 2018 5:01:39 GMT -7
Hi Kevin,
I just wanted to stop by and add a prayer.....
Dear Lord, thank you for Kevin and his obvious desire to please You. Please be with him no matter where he is in this battle right now. Remind him of your love, grace, and power. THANK YOU JESUS for your infinite love for each one of us! Amen.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,740
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 20, 2020 22:36:40 GMT -7
Hello everyone, It's great to see all of you here, just absolutely rockin' it! Obviously, it's been awhile for me. I want to come back. I do have some apologies and amends to make here. Because I gave an impression that I had it all together when I really didn't. And at this moment, I don't have any long term sobriety. I'm currently at day 79, no P, no MB. I'll take it. But the fact is I never had any sobriety lasting over a year since 2006. That means I wasn't being honest to you about the times I had acted out while active on BG. I kept my relapses hidden. I didn't have 2+ years of sobriety like I was saying. I'm sorry I lied you. I will take a few days and a few posts to provide the details of my life over the past 5 years, and the learning experiences that go along with it. I hope I don't miss anything. Amy, thank you, thank you, thank you, for keeping BG under your wing and keeping it so alive. And the rest of you that are here as well, Dominic, JavaJake, SandyJWE, mike, and to others I missed. Thank you, again. My phone currently has a lot of blocking apps installed to protect me from myself when I experience a moment of unclarity. One of these apps is Covenant Eyes. Best $16 monthly investment that I've purchased. It's saved me from relapse more than once since I installed it after my last relapse. I should have made that move a long time ago. I got to have that extra protection. π At first, I did not think it would be possible to regularly post on BG again because my internet access is completely blocked on my phone. However, I found a useful too called Sandbox Browser which allows me to restrict my phones internet access to a limited number of sites. So I am without excuse. I should stick around here. I've currently been a member of another forum community at www.talkingsober.com since March 2017. You are welcome to check out my posts there. I go by the same handle, KevinesKay. I also attend a weekly Celebrate Recovery meeting and I have a number of phone buddies. So I'm currently getting a lot of help. And I need it. Because I don't have this under control. I am not strong. I am weak. That's okay. God wants me to stop relying on myself and start relying on him. And I could use a little more of God in my life. My relationship with Jesus has been severely lacking. And I'm never giving up, ever ... Ever God bless you all. Thank you
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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2020 6:36:31 GMT -7
Kevin, so glad you are back!
I want to talk to you about how you speak about yourself. Never ever say negative things about yourself. You said, "I am weak." Instead say, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." It puts a positive spin on what you said and it's biblical. I hope you understand what I am trying to get across to you. What you say and think about yourself ends up being true so always speak positive and use scripture. I and my family have been working on drubbing the negative talk out of our lives. Living in the negative for 40 plus years is quite the habit to break.
Praying for your continued growth in your journey with our Heavenly Father.
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javajake
Silver Member
Posts: 382
Occupation: retired
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Post by javajake on Feb 21, 2020 9:14:02 GMT -7
Welcome back Kevin! Looking forward to your posts. Keep pressing forward!
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Post by SandyJWE on Feb 21, 2020 9:20:38 GMT -7
Hi Kevin, Thank you for being so open and honest. That is amazing and wonderful. I know in my own walk that is the most important thing. Thank you!!!
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,740
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 21, 2020 18:09:15 GMT -7
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,740
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 22, 2020 5:38:53 GMT -7
I want to share my history since I became very active on BG in the beginning of 2015. Let me start with sharing that it was a very good year. I was doing a lot of good things for myself. I was developing some good habits like spending more time reading God's word, praying, connecting with other men on the phone, being more attentive to my wife. And I was experiencing some sobriety from P and MB.
It was great until I relapsed. Yep. Out of the blue, I had a moment of unclarity and I used porn on my computer. The blocks on it were not good enough to stop me. That happened around October 2015. After that, I withdrew a little from BG and didn't post as much. I didn't tell anyone what had happened. I didn't want to appear weak, and I kept this hidden. I had demoralizing feelings. I pretended to you, others, and myself that I never really lost my sobriety. I never told anyone that. That set the field for more problems in my recovery. I broke the slogans, "To thy own self be true." and to "NEVER CRAVE ALONE."
After that, I came up with several solutions in my own house to protect myself from myself. I looked forward to 2016 being a better year than the previous one. Unfortunately, that didn't happen.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,740
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 22, 2020 9:33:01 GMT -7
Hi, I'll continue my story above at a later time.
I just wanted to check in. Day 81, no P, no MB.
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javajake
Silver Member
Posts: 382
Occupation: retired
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Post by javajake on Feb 22, 2020 9:58:42 GMT -7
Seems like the internet locks are only as good as we let them be. Sure, they will make it harder. Give you time to stop. But when youβre in that insane crave moment you find a way.
Keep pressing forward Kevin!
For Christ also suffered once for sins, the just for the unjust, that He might bring us to God, being put to death in the flesh but made alive by the Spirit, 1 Peter 3:18 - NKJV
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,740
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 22, 2020 23:31:19 GMT -7
Thanks JavaJake, But actually, my blocks were completely insufficient at that time. Later in 2015, after the relapse, I literally "Fort Knoxed" my home from access to porn. And I still use these same methods today with much effectiveness.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,740
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 23, 2020 8:03:22 GMT -7
Okay, so on to continuing with my past history. So I said before, I set up some really good safeguards in my home after that relapse in Oct 2015. I even shared the things I did on this thread. I just withheld the fact that I actually relapsed with P and MB.π
So in 2016, I proceeded to go along as if nothing had happened. My boundaries were good at home, things seemed to be going good, ... until I discovered that I could find porn on my dumbphone. And I acted out with porn on it in March 2016. Again, I withheld that information from BG and my wife. I didn't tell a soul. And even on this thread of mine, I shared the journey of switching over to a 2G phone to eliminate that temptation. I just didn't tell anyone that that I binged on P and MB for a week on my dumbphone.π
2016 progresses fine, or so I thought. I started Katharos Ministries (which failed because I didn't generate a lot of members). And I actually seemed to be doing well...
until I had a moment of unclarity and purchased a new smartphone to act out on because I didn't have any options to act out at home.
Yep, that was November 2016. And I binged on P and MB throughout the end of the year and into 2017. That explains the huge gap in this accountability thread.
to be continued ...
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,740
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 23, 2020 8:12:36 GMT -7
By the way, I'm celebrating day 82 today. No P, no MB.
I did have some moments yesterday and this morning where I lost custody of my eyes and mind. The desire was there. Sorry. I've had worse days though. I'm gonna take it!
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,740
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 24, 2020 15:33:19 GMT -7
Checking in, day 83. I was doing well until my work posted an article about a female employee that is also a competitive bodybuilder. I lost custody of my eyes for awhile.
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