KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jun 26, 2017 4:58:01 GMT -7
That is pretty amazing and awesome though; that I abstained from entertaining a sex fantasy or checking out another woman for over 90 days.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2017 5:02:21 GMT -7
Thank you for sharing twice 😂
It seems you have a lot on your plate. Remember to give yourself a timeout with God each day.
Good job in staying sober!! Your eyes and your mind will follow. I know that when I have a lot on my plate my guard goes down some so I work hard on pushing it to the for front.
Have a blessed day kevin
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2017 5:03:37 GMT -7
Yes that is awesome that you had 90 days! Keep it up you got it!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2017 8:03:17 GMT -7
Eek...the brake thing...Glad everything is OK. God's hand had to be on that one! I will be praying you get them fixed.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 26, 2017 9:41:05 GMT -7
Thank goodness your ok... scary! You got this! Hang in their kevin! Have a blessed day!
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Post by Will on Jun 27, 2017 23:09:31 GMT -7
Hey Kevin,
wow don't know how you do all that. I just nearly had a meltdown because the battery in my car was flat and had to ask a stranger for a jumpstart! 'Bleeding brakes' is well beyond me
I know one huge blessing to me over the past few months has been taking a real, full day of rest each week. That means not even leaving the house. I know that sounds crazy, but remember the Israelites weren't even permitted to pick up any Manna on their Sabbath, even though it was just lying there on the ground. They weren't permitted to leave the house either.
In our hectic urban lives, a whole day of rest (eating, sleeping, reading the Word) is a great firebreak for stress, anxiety, panic-based ambition and overwork, a detox from life. Highly recommend it - you don't even get to the point of realising how tired you really are til the end of the day!
God bless you Kevineskay!
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jul 4, 2017 6:21:11 GMT -7
Hello everyone! Sorry that I've been away for too long. First of all,
HAPPY 4th!
It's been a great week. Last night, my wife invited friends over to watch fireworks from our backyard. It was last minute. So we were scrambling after I got home from work to get the place ready. But everything turned out great.
Was getting concerned when I lost custody of my eyes and mind a week ago. The last incident, Monday afternoon, she wasn't even super good-looking?!?!!
But my mind is messed up, and every action that I do is preceded by a thought. I have to think it before I do it.
I was getting concerned that fantasy and checking out other women was going to creep back into my life after that setback.
But be not conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind..
Romans 12:2
And so far, no issues with this. Had amazing experiences keeping my eyes in check during these days where many women wear less clothes. Still not easy. But it's where I need to be.
As I mentioned before, the biggest and best filter is the one inside my own mind and heart.
It's not what goes in a man that defiles a man, but that which comes out; this defiles a man. Matthew 15:11
Learned something about myself these past few months. It's a lot harder keeping custody of my eyes then my mind. In other words, I may have to think it before I do it.
But also, I have to see it before I think it...
Yikes! That means that all of that sexual fantasizing I've been doing since I was 3 years old had to been preceded by some sort of visual stimuli. It could have been from a number of things; TV, my mom walking around naked, changing into my swimsuit along with other kids at the daycare center. But with the depth of damage that I experienced that led to my sexual bondage, I'm willing to bet that something really traumatic happened when I was young that I'm blocking out, or don't remember.
The lamp of the body is the eye. If therefore your eye is good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in you is darkness, how great is that darkness! Matthew 6:22-23
I'm glad to be where I am now. For me, this process has been long; containing many stages of death. And looking back, sobriety was not an automatic result for me. It wasn't because I was not working hard enough or getting my program wrong. It's just that the pain was so deep that stopping the behaviors was not an instantaneous thing. Rape survivors don't heal in a day. The same goes for rapists. People around us won't always have the patience to see someone through the process. It hurts too much.
Some people just get delivered instantaneously. But if an addict is experiencing chronic relapsing, it doesn't mean he's not getting better. Sobriety really is a poor measurement of one's progress. And regardless of how long this process takes, still understand that what's happening is truly a miracle of God.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2017 6:46:10 GMT -7
I am so happy for you Kevin. Great job in keeping your eyes in check. Life is so much better when you experience it without the filter of PA constantly warping your mind.
God bless and keep working.
Happy 4th.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jul 5, 2017 13:41:25 GMT -7
Whew! I finally caught up with all posts. So much activity, I can hardly keep up. Praise God!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2017 17:42:23 GMT -7
"But if an addict is experiencing chronic relapsing, it doesn't mean he's not getting better. Sobriety really is a poor measurement of one's progress. And regardless of how long this process takes, still understand that what's happening is truly a miracle of God."
VERY good point, Kevin and one that I am thoughtful of as well. Well said!
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jul 7, 2017 16:05:06 GMT -7
Looked at my counter today. It's already been 11 days since I lost custody of my eyes and mind. Had more than a few hot days in there with plenty of opportunities to oggle at women wearing compromising clothing. I'm amazed! I didn't know I could practice this kind of self control for an extended time. And it makes sobriety and recovery and discretion so much better and easier.
And forget the porn and MB. I still want no part of that. The thought that I used it for so long as a drug makes me sad and disgusted. 😑
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Post by rical on Jul 7, 2017 17:47:14 GMT -7
Kevin, congratulations on 11 days.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2017 6:48:04 GMT -7
Kevin good job on 11 Days!
I know what you mean about all the posts! I am praising God on one hand and sad on the other. So glad that we are here to offer support but sad that it is needed.
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KevinesKay
Administrator
Posts: 1,741
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Jul 12, 2017 18:42:43 GMT -7
I've got to share about Sunday. Sunday was so hard. My wife plans for us to attend the annual neighborhood beach party that day after church. "No biggie," I think. Free food, entertainment, etc.
It was so hard. I made the most of it. But it took everything I got to not pay attention to the women around me that were dressed in a compromising way. They weren't all trying to get men to stare. It was just a hot sunny day at the beach. And everywhere I turned, it seemed there was an opportunity to get my fix of lust.
They're not looking for sex
I don't need to look at them to appreciate their beauty
It's ubiquitous
I got this
If someone is waving free crack under my nose, it doesn't mean that I have to take a hit
Saying all these things to myself, I wondered how obvious it was that I was trying so hard not to stare.
Like I had some sort of sign saying, "PERVERT" on my head.
It was horrible. After 7 hours of this, I was exhausted. And wondering how this day was going to affect my well being for the next few days.
And I knew I wasn't going to have the time to share it to the forum right away.
I'm grateful that my youngest daughter kept me distracted by asking me to push her on the swing for a few hours. And my wife, who's starting a face painting business, got a chance to brush up on her skills on some of the neighborhood children. I really could not enjoy the moment because the fight to stay clean took all of my energy.
I'm back to normal now. No long term effects to exposure. I guess the saying, "This too shall pass," rings true. It would appear that I wasn't very obvious because my wife didn't show any signs of concern for me.
Chalk up 16 days since I last lost custody of my eyes and mind. And that's played a key factor on why I've not been tempted to use porn and masturbate for quite some time.
But last Sunday was not easy. Don't want to go through those days ever. But that's inevitable. Why does it have to be so hard?
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Post by Will on Jul 13, 2017 2:31:41 GMT -7
Great job Kevin! That is really a huge win. I sympathise brother that would be really difficult. Honestly don't think I could cope with it. I struggle if there's one woman on the beach and am able to turn completely away. Don't think you need to worry about looking like a pervert for NOT looking! Besides God knows the Truth. I also have to be doubly vigilant in the days following that kind of challenge
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