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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2011 4:45:26 GMT -7
When I disclosed, my wife described the emotional pain as "being worse than that of losing my Dad" through bereavement.
Since my final disclosure, I have also stopped connections to a business that was a trigger for my wife and also removed every other trigger we could identify.
I have found prayer to be really powerful and our local Vicar a real support on a weekly basis. Most recently he lent me a book called The Life by J John and Chris Walley which is a portrait of Jesus and a lovely introduction to the living, breathing God who is at the centre of the Christian faith and a wonderful reminder as to the relevance of keeping God at the centre of our lives.
Sometimes, it is really hard having conversations about anything other than my betrayal and this is not constructive, although I know it is a process to go through and will hopefully lead to healing.
For quite some time my bed was the sofa and this has only changed these past few days.
Today just prior to going to the beach, my wife asked me if the sex we had shared was good for me. I said yes....then she told me that all she experienced was visualisations of the other women I have been with. I do not have a good or meaningful answer to this as I feel terrible remorse but cannot change the past of what I sadly did.
Any suggestions as to what will help?
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2011 6:38:24 GMT -7
Hi Chris,
At risk of sounding like a stuck record, (scratched CD?) time--time that you demonstrate your commitment to recovery/freedom, time to show yourself trustworthy, time for her to truly forgive and let God heal her wounds.
I trust that there was a courting-like build up to your renewed intimacy. I would think if she were to have felt rushed, that might have tainted it also.
TruthSeeker
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2011 7:55:17 GMT -7
Sometimes, it is really hard having conversations about anything other than my betrayal and this is not constructive, although I know it is a process to go through and will hopefully lead to healing. Hi Chris, who is it not constructive for? You or she? If it is not constructive for her, how do you know it is not constructive for her? What is good for her? What does she need? |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2011 8:22:48 GMT -7
Perhaps I need to rephrase this slightly.
Is it healthy to have the only prime subject of conversation to revolve around my past behaviour?
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2011 8:43:59 GMT -7
Perhaps I need to rephrase this slightly. Is it healthy to have the only prime subject of conversation to revolve around my past behaviour? Healthy for who? |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2011 9:38:47 GMT -7
Thanks Truthseeker...
I have been following albeit it slowly the Setting Captives Free course.
In so doing I have removed everything that caused me to sin and in fact my whole mindset has changed.
I have been "clean" now for what is now into my 3rd month.
All the triggers that caused me to "act out" have thus far been identified and isolated.
However, I am acutely aware that the power to clearing this addiction is through God and the avoidance of temptation through strength of faith.
Each morning I awake and pray for freedom from sin and each evening before I sleep I give thanks for the freedom.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2011 10:08:58 GMT -7
I have known couples who agreed on specific times each week or each day to discuss addiction, and specific times when this was not allowed. This prevented the addict from avoiding the subject completely, but also kept the addict from feeling like noting else existed in life but the addiction.
Just a thought.
Tim M.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2011 10:28:33 GMT -7
Hi Chris, maybe I was a little bit insensitive here. I might have some ocd, be quite much alone and might need to break out and do something instead of only holding back, and then it might be some mistakes...
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2011 20:07:17 GMT -7
Thanks Tim,
I have to admit that one part of me would love to bury the mistakes I made in my past, draw a line and move on, but the other part wants to face up to this and work through the issues with my wife and I think your suggestion is a good one.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2011 20:09:46 GMT -7
Thanks for the note Man.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2011 22:02:31 GMT -7
Does this help?
He She
Feels a new level of honesty and truthfulness Feels the level of his disloyalty and deceit more intensely
Has a new level of appreciation for the marriage bond Is saddened to realise how little the marriage has meant to him
Finally has the accountability he was looking for Senses the shame and secrecy of being married to an addict
Loves her more than he ever has before Has never felt less loved, valued or secure
Bottom Line: He wants congratulations for something that makes her want to throw up.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2011 22:49:12 GMT -7
Hating ourselves and burying our past is a big part of how we got here. Seeing ourselves both honestly and gently is a big part of how we can get out.
To me, the most amazing of the 9th Step promises in the AA Big Book is the one that says, "We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it." That seemed so impossible when I first heard it. How could I not regret the past and wish to shut the door on it? But we really can find that place, and I think it's important for us to do all we can to move toward it. Part of that is learning to see ourselves clearly and deeply and honestly and gently. It's certainly not burying our past.
Just how it seems to me, as always.
Tim M.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2011 23:23:33 GMT -7
Thanks Tim,
Good common sense as always.
My biggest failing is not fully understanding how my wife is feeling and the note from LadyP summarises this well.
I have tried to put myself in her shoes and yet fail to grasp the depth of hurt I caused, but rejoice that I have totally stopped the behaviour that was so harmful and damaging.
What is the best way to really grasp a proper understanding of the hurt and damaged caused, so I can make amends over time and heal this properly?
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Post by Deleted on Oct 3, 2011 3:22:24 GMT -7
[quote author="Man[/user] wrote: [/b]
Healthy for who?
[/quote]
I'm sure i'm not the only one who would be interested in your replies to Man's questions!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 3, 2011 5:06:42 GMT -7
I think that Tim brings wisdom and balance to this subject of communicating about addiction. I do not believe that it is healthy either for the addict to act like the past never happened, or for the spouse to live in that past as though it is happening today.
What would it be like to have all assurances of forgiveness disappear from our Bibles once we accepted Christ, with only the passages that remind us of our sins remaining? Would it not make reading God's Word something we would wish to avoid, as our memory of His assurance of our salvation seemed a more and more distant memory?
TruthSeeker
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