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Painful progress Oct 12, 2011 11:32:46 GMT -7

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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2011 11:32:46 GMT -7

[user=42104]Devastated Wife[/user] wrote:

Hi Chris,

I believe that is a question only you and your wife can answer. Early on in my recovery I would have been better off to have been separated from him. I flew into a rage at the very sight of him. He didn't even have to open his mouth. I'm not sure that was productive to my healing. Conversely, if we'd separated, I don't think I would have gone back to him.

Whether you stay or separate, you must make time to talk, discuss the addiction, discuss your progress, and give your wife the opportunity to ask questions and vent. And yes, this may be THE ONLY TOPIC of conversation for a long time. Her world has been destroyed. It's all she can think about. She has a lot to process. She cannot be expected to hold her thoughts or questions until next Tuesday at 4 PM when you've slotted a time to discuss this. She has to be free to discuss whenever she feels the need to do so.

Best, DW

Hi DW,

Thank you for your reply.

I for one do not want to part and am unsure if I should submit to leave or if this is wrong and she is expecting me to be assertive and make a real proper effort to stay.

Talking is really important, I totally agree. In fairness the conversation is moving forwards now.

I am scared of us separating and her not wanting me and I am frequently reminded of the saying from Richard Bach "If you love something, set it free; if it comes backs it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was"

I know it is symptomatic of this stage of my recovery to value her even more whilst she is lost in how she feels for me.

DW, your input is invaluable and I really appreciate it.

I need to be more open to recognise her need to process this over a period of time and will heed your advice.

Regards,

Chris

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Painful progress Oct 12, 2011 11:46:48 GMT -7

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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2011 11:46:48 GMT -7

[user=449]Man[/user] wrote:

UKChris;

"Perhaps the biggest hurdle is that she does not believe this is a new me. I lied for years and so this is a core issue now. Despite all I do, this issue caused a lot of hurt and does not go away."

UKChris: Who is it a hurdle for? You or she? If it is for you, how can you solve your problem? If it is for her, leave it to her!!!

"I have often put myself in the shoes of my wife to try and get a small insight to the deep feeling of hurt. I have not managed to achieve even a percentage of how she feels."

How do you know that?

"My feelings of remorse do not touch on how she must feel."

How do you know that? What do you want to achieve by putting yourself in her shoes? How will that change you? How can you become a new creation by putting yourself in her shoes? Where is that solution recommended? Trying hard to become another person with own efforts? Trying to change yourself? I don't believe in that.

Hi Man,

The hurdle is what I identify as being a barrier to us moving forward. I lied a lot and therefore she no longer trusts me...reformed or not. It will take time to trust me again...and in fairness I told her it will take time before I trust myself again.

In terms of putting myself in her shoes to gain an insight to the level of hurt I caused. This is important to understand and will serve as a reminder to me should I ever be tempted to cheat or act out again.

On your final point...we all change and evolve in our lives...and so I am at odds with your point of view.

In rectifying my past record of bad behaviour, I HAVE TO CHANGE!

Deleted Deleted Member Posts: 0	Painful progress Oct 12, 2011 21:07:27 GMT -7 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Back to Top Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2011 21:07:27 GMT -7 Hi Chris, I don't believe it is possible for a human to change into something better with own struggle/ effort.

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Painful progress Oct 12, 2011 22:05:06 GMT -7

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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2011 22:05:06 GMT -7

[user=449]Man[/user] wrote:

Hi Chris, I don't believe it is possible for a human to change into something better with own struggle/ effort.

I respect your opinion but do not agree with you.

Is it possible you mean that we need the Grace of God to change, but have not stated this...or do you feel that "YOU" cannot change and are making a generalisation based on your life experience.

If this is the case, please start a separate post so we can discuss this.

Regards,

Chris

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Painful progress Oct 12, 2011 22:27:04 GMT -7

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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2011 22:27:04 GMT -7

UKChris;

According to this Scripture for example:

"Romans 12A Living Sacrifice 1 I appeal to you therefore, brothers,[a] by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.[b] 2 Do not be conformed to this world,[c] but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.[d]"

transformation seems to be passive. I guess it is a gift, but that we need to put ourselves in a position to receive it.

I think it is possible to be changed.

It might be that we don't have so different view on it.

My best!

And some more Scriptures:

"We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. Romans 6:4"

"And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you. Romans 8:11"

Last Edit: Oct 12, 2011 22:29:00 GMT -7 by Deleted

Deleted Deleted Member Posts: 0	Painful progress Oct 13, 2011 1:26:56 GMT -7 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Back to Top Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2011 1:26:56 GMT -7 Thank you Man, I think we are agreed! It is my view that you have to actively seek and ask God for help, not just expect it.

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Painful progress Oct 13, 2011 1:36:32 GMT -7

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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2011 1:36:32 GMT -7

[user=89372]UKChris[/user] wrote:

It is my view that you have to actively seek and ask God for help, not just expect it.

That might be right. Keep up the good fight. Leave everything that is not necessary:

"Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Hebrews 12:1-2"

Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2011 11:32:46 GMT -7

Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2011 11:46:48 GMT -7

Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2011 21:07:27 GMT -7

Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2011 22:05:06 GMT -7

Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2011 22:27:04 GMT -7

Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2011 1:26:56 GMT -7

Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2011 1:36:32 GMT -7