Painful progress

[user=337]truthseeker[/user] wrote:


You raise an interesting point and the basis of Christianity is the forgiveness we gained from the sacrifice God made in allowing his only Son to be crucified to allow us forgiveness and eternal salvation.

It has been a huge motivating force for me to seek forgiveness and an emotional release to feel it has been granted.

If in seeking forgiveness it was an impossible dream I am certain I would have given up weeks ago.

My wife commented that she felt I would make someone a wonderful husband but she feels unable to reconcile what I did with her perceptions and beliefs of who I am. So would rather I leave.

Hi DW,

I do not assume anything.

I place a huge amount of my confidence into my faith.

It is not by faith alone that my wife shall be healed. It needs consistent action from me...and this is also faith based to stay free from lust and all the associated temptations that led to my downfall in the first place.

In some ways it has exposed the difference in man and woman in this case. I have reacted quickly and changed a long term pattern and steered away from all that is wrongful. My wife has only recently discovered all that is wrongful and this is really raw. It will take time for her to come to terms with what we had being destroyed by my actions and to really determine if she can ever trust me again, let alone have deep seated love for me. Will I betray her again and cause more hurt?

The saddest thing is that I dearly love her and she does not know to believe it or not...that is how it seems.

I know I was so very wrong...yet all I want is to find the times which were so very good and the best...and then emulate them.







Time is a healer...but she has forgiven me, but I do not at this point believe she wants to reconcile with me. The loss of trust and hurt is very deep indeed.

Hi.   I would encourage you to have your wife join us, Im a wife of a recovering addict and I think she would benefit from knowing there are other women struggling like she is.  Im sorry I cannot contribute to this post, but I feel for her.

Jules.

[user=42104]Devastated Wife[/user] wrote:


Hi DW,

I am very good with words and can talk for England! However the deeds side is as you say the proof and delivers what I say.

Thus far, I have been demonstrably free from the addictive traits that caused so much damage to my marriage.

I have also complied with the requests to stop a business deal that would have taken me overseas and was dealing with people who were not particularly decent.

Other requests have been met in so far as possible.

Then my wife said she was going to make the list of things to comply with so difficult it would be impossible to do!

It felt like I was being set up to fail.

She does a part time job and I had an interview for a new job that came up on her work day. I cancelled the interview despite knowing that on this day she could have had two of the children with her as she has permission for this.

Wherever I look she is seeking to express her anger and state how little I have done...

Whenever i point out how much I have done I get berated for the errors I made in the past.

I meet my Vicar roughly once a week and am slowly working through the setting captives free course.

I seek a new marriage for sure...and to have new rules to ensure our happiness within the boundaries of this.

At the moment...it is very stressed at home and unfair for the children to hear the distress in my wife's dialogue.

I have read the link you kindly added and think it covers both sides really well.

In fact I have read it several times so it really register's.

You say I use tortured language. I think it the language of desperation both at the cause and effect of my actions and my deep seated desire to work through this and find the solutions that will allow her to heal over time.

For sure, I do not want to lose her.

In terms of "finding the best of times and emulating them" My motivation in saying this is to rebuild with a "new" marriage and aiming for what you know is best.

Surely, setting your sights high is right?

Perhaps the biggest hurdle is that she does not believe this is a new me. I lied for years and so this is a core issue now. Despite all I do, this issue caused a lot of hurt and does not go away.

I have often put myself in the shoes of my wife to try and get a small insight to the deep feeling of hurt. I have not managed to achieve even a percentage of how she feels.
My feelings of remorse do not touch on how she must feel.

Out of interest...how do you know you have been forgiven?

[user=8265]jjules[/user] wrote:


Thank you Jules....

UKChris;

"Perhaps the biggest hurdle is that she does not believe this is a new me. I lied for years and so this is a core issue now. Despite all I do, this issue caused a lot of hurt and does not go away."

UKChris: Who is it a hurdle for? You or she? If it is for you, how can you solve your problem? If it is for her, leave it to her!!!


"I have often put myself in the shoes of my wife to try and get a small insight to the deep feeling of hurt. I have not managed to achieve even a percentage of how she feels."

How do you know that?


"My feelings of remorse do not touch on how she must feel."

How do you know that? What do you want to achieve by putting yourself in her shoes? How will that change you? How can you become a new creation by putting yourself in her shoes? Where is that solution recommended? Trying hard to become another person with own efforts? Trying to change yourself? I don't believe in that.

As far as I can see, the issues are not so much about alcoholism, sex, drugs as it is about the heart of the human being? I think it is most of all something that is inside the human being?