"Masturbation with out Lusting"?

 Wow

My husband's masturbation during our marriage hurt our relationship.  If I wasn't available exactly when he felt "horny"  he would take care of himself.

Left me feeling replaceable.

 

I am wondering why you feel you will "need" to masturbate while married.

If I mention masturbation without lust to my husband, he laughs.

 

 

 

>Yes I do intend to continue to masturbate while married. I have asked her about how she feels about masturbating and she is fine with it as long as I do it with out lusting as Dobson puts it and is fine with it within marrage.

1. I don't recall that Dobson said it was ok during marriage.
2. You've not been married yet, so you haven't yet struggled with the physical and emotional self absorption that masturbation causes within marriage. I think the ladies will attest to what this looks and feel like.
3. Are you aware that masturbation has the effect of causing you to finish quicker, so that sex with your wife will be a short story - leaving her holding the bag?

> My definition of masturbating in moderation would not be doing it when your bored, only when you find yourself to horny to go on.

Which means you are masturbating for physical release, correct ?

From www.blazinggrace.org/masturbation.htm:

The bad and the ugly:                               The good:
No connection with another                          It feels good for a few seconds Loneliness                                                  Can have orgasm on demand
Shame                                                      Can do it alone      
Robs wife emotionally and physically               Don’t need to please your wife
Places wedge between God and self               No more lack of sex outlet
Promotes instant gratification mentality          Can feed sex obsession  
Promotes “It’s all about me”                          
Violates marriage alone principle
Violates comfort from Christ principle
Violates mastery of flesh principle
Softens the character
Is used as a counterfeit substitute for love

Masturbation is "all about me", while sex in marriage is about pleasing another. When you masturbate you're training yourself in the fine art of self absorption - both emotionally and physically.

I have yet to hear a guy say "I had a wonderful time having sex with myself last night - but I hear all the time how empty it leaves men - and how destructive it is in marriage.

>The Benifits that I find from masturbating are that it helps me to consentrait better when I am stressed. I helps release sexual tension as well as physical tension that has built up over the day.

consistent, vigorous exercise does a far better job of releiving stress than masturbation.

>If you look at it like drinking, a little wine can be heart healthy but when you drink to the point of getting drunk you have crossed the line of healthiness and may have harmful side effects to those around you.

Drinking and sex are 2 different things. I can drink alone, but sex is meant to happen with another.

Yet I wish that all men were even as I myself am (single). However, each man has his own gift from God, one in this manner, and another in that. But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I. But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
1 Corinthians 7:7-9

In the above verses, Paul first says he wishes that all men were single, and then, those who "burn with passion" are counseled to marry. Since Paul is saying he wishes the others were single, why didn't he say something like "But if they do not have self control, let them masturbate so they can remain single?" If masturbation is a valid option, why wasn't it provided here ?

And, God's word also says:

But I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified.
I Corinthians 9:27

Beloved, I urge you as aliens and strangers to abstain from fleshly lusts
which wage war against the soul.
1 Peter 2:11

All things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by anything.
1 Corinthians 6:12

"For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion like the Gentiles who do not know God…
1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 

You have said that the benefit of masturbation is so that you won't be horny. In other words, your desires dictate what you do. This is the opposite from God's word, which says that we are to "discipline our bodies and make them our slaves," and "know how to possess our vessels in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion (ie letting our "horny desires rule over us)," among other things.

From personal experience I know that the benefits of not masturbating far outweigh any short lived pleasure it provides. My character was a soft marshmallow when I masturbated, and I was always sex and self focused. Today my character is stronger and I say no to temptations much easier then when I was masturbating. The emptiness is gone, and I don't have to deal with the shame. My marriage is much healthier, and we enjoy each other physically for longer periods of time, when she wants to. Life is much better without all the sex obsession, and my relationship with God is many times better.

My friend, the deepest joys in life do not come from sex. You have to decide if the strength in your character, means more to you than "getting off." I believe that we all aspire to be men and women of God of strong courage and moral fiber, who can stand firm in the culture of lust and help others. I hated myself when I was mired in Christian mediocrity; I wanted to be something more. I want to be an Elijah, who had the guts to stand against the nation of Israel, or Stephen who was stoned for telling the truth, or Paul, who took beatings for his faith. Men of moral courage aren't ruled by pleasure or their desires; they make their bodies their slaves. 

You sound as if your comming from the perspective of someone who masturbates through lust and not through doing without lust. Also, you seem to be comming from the perspective that I am addicted to sexual desires.

I did feel empty and shamful when I was doing it through fantasy, but when doing it with out lust, there is nothing to feel bad about (for me at least). I am not doing it to fullfill a desire that comes from a fantasy world but rather just a physical one, this is where we seem to agree to disagree.

    "3. Are you aware that masturbation has the effect of causing you to finish  
    quicker,  so that sex with your wife will be a short story - leaving her holding the  bag?"

I would like to see where you got this. To me it seems like masturbating would lead to you having longer duration because you are more used to the sensation and realize how you body does react to it.

Also realize that I am no longer addicted to sexual desire. With help I have been able to no longer be obsessed with it, of course it enters my mind, but I dont find myself thinking about it all the time like I did before.

I agree that life is more than just "getting off" I am not saying that it is all about that. In fact it is only a small portion of my life. It USED to be that way, but now that I have addopted the method of masturbation with out lust, it just comes from the physical aspect. To me there is nothing wrong with this because I am not clearly condriticting the bible. I know that this topic will always be one that is heated and people will always have different views of, this is just where I am comming from.

Also.. you did not respond to my question concerning mutual masterbation with your wife, I am still courious as to what you think about that.

The point of that would be to learn what each other likes about their body. I am not saying this be a replacment for sex but rather a form of foreplay. It would allow the other person to see what they like about their bodies and use that as an advantage for intercourse. Of course afterwords we would go all the way, it would be just something fun to do before hand.

IceBullit,

I do admire your desire to seek Him in continuing to share here....He does want the best for you and your future spouse.  I'm going to attempt to share a bit as a wife and woman who's marriage has been greatly affected by porn and masturbation.  Before I share, let me state that masturbation does have a higher level of arousal, from what the experts share, because it does take work and communication (and provides intimacy) for a spouse to "get things right" or satisfy.

When I think of masturbating, I'm reminded that even to this day.....after over 15 yrs of marriage, my husband has "given himself" to pictures, stories and fantasy more than he's given of himself to me, his wife.  Due to this, his desire for intimacy with a person is decreased and can be fearful to him because women have variables and take work to know while self-sex is what you expect it to be.  This has been very painful as it feels he's given all he's got to another love. 

While for you, this may not be the case.....and I know you said your girlfriend is very beautiful, but in marriage you may have an argument......you may wake up to find her unattractive because of a disagreement or taking one another for granted......the sexual urges will still be there, but you will not want her and will seek to fulfill them with masturbation anyway.  Later, she may want you and you may have nothing left to give.  You think this won't happen to you right now, but it could......and it feels bad and affects your marriage negatively even more.

At core, I believe women want to believe their husbands desire them above all......we want to be pursued with passion.....and we want our husbands to want to know us deeply.  My experience is that masturbation robs a marriage of the intimacy and closeness God's intended marriage to represent between Christ and the Church. 

When in doubt over all we've said, ask Him to show you......be quiet/still and pray and meditate on the scriptures shared here as well as others......expect that the God of the universe who died for you so you could have hope.....and made your body and gave you your sex drive, also cares enough to answer your questions out of a sincere, child-like heart. 

Blessings to you as you pursue Him!

captivated

To be honest when switching to the method of just the physical method, I find myself rarley masturbationg at all. The only time I find myself doing it (any more) is when my urge is really strong and it effects my ability to think or function normally (its just so built up). So in reality I dont do it very much at all anymore, I just do it to release in times where it is really built up.

-Arthur

Lust is something that will never be satisfied.  Even after you give it something, it always wants more.  It's like a monster that keeps on growing, even if you only feed it a little.  Lust is something that has to die, because in and of itself, it can only produce destruction.  Masturbation is usually only for one's own benefit, right?  It's not to benefit anyone else, so it's almost selfish if you look at it from that point of view.  Lust, as defined by dictionary.com, is uncontrolled or illicit sexual desire or appetite.  If one masturbates because of an uncontrolled or illicit sexual desire, it's probably due to lust.  I read in the every man's series by Stoeker (good books) that lust won;t be satisfied even after marriage.  Sex in marriage is all about servanthood, and serving your husband or wife and putting their desires above your own, it's not about fulfilling your own desires.  I'm not perfect, and I still fall into sin and masturbation at times, these are just some thoughts I was having.