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Divorce?
Aug 7, 2021 8:48:52 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2021 8:48:52 GMT -7
I found out shortly after we got married that my husband utilized pornography. I had asked him before we were married. He lied. We just had out 14 year anniversary. We have been to a marriage intensive once in the beginning. I have always been the one coming up with ideas to fix it. Then nagging and begging him to do the work. He complies for a while until I tire of nagging. He installed monitoring software on his computer. So now he uses his work computer which can’t have monitoring software. Im so angry he would risk his job. Even when he says he not using, I’m worried and self conscious. I struggle to enjoy sex because I feel like I’m not what he really wants. This time I just shut down. I told him I want a divorce. I’m so tired of the cheating and the lies. I’m so angry that he chooses images over me, and that he would risk his job for this. So after I threatened divorce he finally after 3 days called our pastor. I’ve asked him to do that in the past and he refused. Now he wants to do another intensive but I don’t think it will work. I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s emotionally exhausting. I’m tired and stressed all the time. When I leave the house I’m anxious about what he’s doing. I don’t want to divorce but I don’t think I can trust him again. I feel so depressed and hopeless. Please pray for me.. Thank you.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2021 1:25:05 GMT -7
Hi lethargic. Welcome to BG. I am sorry you are going through this. It is difficult and it sounds like you have done this for years. I can tell you that what he is doing gives you biblical grounds for a divorce but I hate to see that happen. It should always be a last resort. I have been through a divorce myself. Ex was into underage porn and when I confronted him, he got violent.
You sound exhausted and spiritually drained. You need some alone time with Jesus. Lock yourself in a room, put on some worship music and talk to our Lord. Let Christ love you and heal you. Only He can tell you what you need to do going forward.
I can suggest other exercises both involve writing. Start a journal where you write to Jesus. Write everything you are thinking and feeling in it. Jesus can handle it. Next write letters to your husband. Put everything you are thinking and feeling in it. Keep them, give them to him or burn them. If you want to give them to him, reread them when you aren't emotional and edit them. I found writing them and then burning them was cathartic. As the smoke drifted up, I released what I wrote to God and let Him deal with it.
Father, I ask you to help and guide my sister as she navigates the road ahead. Let her feel Your arms around her loving her as only You can. Give her rest and Your peace that is without understanding. Help her to see that she is beautiful and worthy of love. Help her to see herself as You see her. Remind her that she is Your precious daughter worth more than gold. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.
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Post by Will on Aug 9, 2021 6:25:18 GMT -7
Hi lethargic,
well done on speaking out and getting help. I don't agree with my beloved sister Amymine that what he is doing gives you biblical grounds for divorce. However I can understand how frustrating and difficult the situation is. It's great that your Pastor is getting involved. What you husband needs is strong male role models and accountability partners in his life to get him on and keep him on the right track. God bless you, am praying for you!
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Post by savagetribe on Aug 9, 2021 7:40:07 GMT -7
Matthew 5:32 clearly gives concession for a divorce but that isn't what God wants. He sees the pain you are going through, the suffering, the hurt of how can this person look at other females and pleasure himself and a few seconds later say he loves me. The answer is sinful lust. As a good friend of mine says, "lust can never be satisfied." It's a deep dark black hole consuming everything and always looking for the next high. Sexual sin perverts our body in Christ where his spirit cannot reside. That's why when men experience Christ but use porn feel empty. They are missing the spirit of God in their life. I hid my sexual sin for 35+ years away from wife and that was devastating. Your husband struggles with his sin because he hasn't faced the epicenter of his pain. I call it the seed of Satan's lies. I highly encourage you to attend the 10 week course for women on blazing grace 'the wife's heart. Also, I would highly recommend your husband to commit to attending the 8 week course for men and sex addiction. You want to save your marriage? You want him to live a sexual pure lifestyle? Only God can change his heart. Only God can show him what a beautiful marriage he is missing. Pray, be perseverant, ask God to change your husband's heart and to help you heal. Blazing grace have great resources to help both you and your husband. However, it takes two to go before God and want to heal. I pray your husband has a God moment where God removes the veil of darkness from his eyes to see the beauty he is missing and perverting. I'll pray for God's strength and love to overwhelm you and give you peace. I pray that the holy spirit convicts your husband to turn away from his sexual sin and allow God to intervene. Stay strong and vigilant. God bless you and your marriage.
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Post by Will on Aug 13, 2021 19:59:34 GMT -7
Hi Savagetribe, yes it appears to, but that concession is not repeated in either Mark 10:11 or Luke 16:18. They are also Holy Spirit-breathed scripture. And that's two witnesses to one. It's a complex issue, and I understand people have sincerely-held views on both sides. Have a look at this thread: blazinggrace.forums.net/thread/2941/divorce-remarriage-david-pawson
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2021 7:27:41 GMT -7
Thank you all for your prayers. We are going to go to a marriage intensive in October. He seems a little different this time. Like he finally understands that he is having an affair. I didn't do anything different this time. Except I was really ready to end our marriage. Will, if lust is adultery (Matthew 5:28) then using porn is adultery. God does allow divorce in cases of adultery. That is not to say he likes it. He says it is because our hearts are hard. I have been watching my husband cheat on me and lie for the whole 14 years of our marriage. I have begged him and cried and done counseling with him. I think his heart was hard. But I pray this time God will convict him and soften his heart. The sermon you sited and the passages you reference are about divorcing and remarrying which is not what is happening here. Regardless, we are going to keep trying to work this out. I do believe that God wants us to when both hearts are willing. I Know it is what's best for our kids. I love my husband very much. It's just so painful to know he does not love me enough to be faithful and truthful.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2021 11:12:38 GMT -7
ADMIN HAT ON
Please do not turn this thread into a debate on biblical grounds for divorce. There are other threads dealing with this debate if you want to debate this issue further.
We can agree to disagree in this thread and keep the focus on encouraging lethargicdoc and praying for her marriage.
ADMIN HAT OFF
I am glad you are going to a marriage intensive. I will be praying for you and your husband. It takes time to heal and change but it is worth it. Your marriage will be stronger. Hugs my sister!
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Post by Will on Aug 24, 2021 4:39:13 GMT -7
Hi lethargicdoc,
yes we will have to agree to disagree on the divorce issue. I agree that porn is adultery, but Jesus' exception in Matthew 5:32 is not adultery, it is 'fornication' - a different word with a different meaning. You have my sympathy and my prayers. God bless you!
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Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2021 18:58:05 GMT -7
Hi lethargicdoc, what got my attention was my wife taking the children and leaving me after I told her of my sexual sins. I was so crushed and I knew she was not playing games and was done dealing with my immoral behavior. I was living with a Christian brother whom I called and he took me in like a good Samaritan. This was in August 2016 . I was living with my good friend, and his wife was there too. They took me to church, I cried, met with a drug addiction counselor, and I knew I was not right, so I got on my face before God almighty, cried out, and I believe God worked in my heart and life. I got rid of the smartphone, emails, changed my numbers, quit all social media, and after two weeks, after a meeting with the drug addiction counselor and my wife (I didn't see or speak to my wife for two weeks, had no idea of the kids or her and I was going crazy), after two weeks, I was giving the opportunity to come back home, even if it meant no sex, sleeping on the floor, and I agreed to get STD tested and she had to as well. I did more than porn in the past so this was necessary. We went to church every Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night, one a month couples bible studies, at our church. Things were getting great. A lot of hurt and pain I caused her. I saw her practically break down in front of us, and I can't believe how bad I hurt her. She got help from Pastor's wife, Christian women, at the church who knew of our situation, (some parts not all details). I got into accountability here on Blazing Grace, with other brothers at our church. This is my story. You might think I got all clean, but unfortunately later this year I lost my sobriety of 4 1/2 years, it happened when I looked at too much YouTube, saw nudity, and just fell/sinned/committed adultery. I was even reading my Bible daily. I quickly repented as best as I could and got help from counselors, and Christian brother, but again 4 months later (July 2021) fell again. Insane I am. Then recently too. I seem to be getting worse again. I question everything, my sanity, my Christian experience, but I don't question my wife. I know she is a champion of God's grace because she did the impossible by taking a sick pervert like me back into the home and she was even start to trust me again, but after all of this, I proved myself to be a ?? fill in the blank, I don't know. For you and your marriage, please ask him to be accountable to you. He has to get offline completely (detox from internet highs like alcoholics would detox in rehab) and only use his work PC for work only. He has to agree to that with you. He has to show you his phone/mobile devices/ email/ social media on demand (i.e. whenever you feel like it) because he has to work for his marriage like his life depends on it and he has to prove himself to you since trust has been broken. He must agree to not creating secret email accounts, anonymous social media profile, etc, too. I know how to trick and I am guilty of this too. He HAS to do this. This is what I hope the marriage counselors will work into your marriage, these agreements and promises. He must be held accountable. Here is something drug addiction told me that shocked me.. "Dominic, do you want your children to end up knowing their father jerked himself off to hell? Do you want your children to follow in your footsteps and go to hell?" It really got to me to see a picture of my son in hell burning joining his burning dad." I'm not prophesying but giving you where I could go and even my children if I choose to keep rejecting Christ and this is what porn is - rejecting Christ. In Romans, it says that we turned away from the living God to serve images of the creation (our body parts included) and are god haters. I "a professing Christian" have become a hypocritical God-hating Pharisee, when I see my true state as God shows me, I am able to repent, cry out to God honestly, and hope for God to hear me and change me, giving new a new willingness to love God first and wife 2nd and stop this sinning. Sometimes I wish I could physically remove my flesh off but it's no use because Jesus said it's in the mind and I would still lust (without body parts) and still be dammed to hell (Matthew 5:27-30). The new heart and new soul must be reborn a gift from God, and we can't work it into our lives. He must and I must be born again, without it, we are doomed to hell, and all marriages will fail, be fake, not working. This is how I have to believe in God, and yes, I still struggle. I'm a really bad person but I'm trying to do it better with Jesus. For the matter of divorce, I believe my porn addiction is cause for divorce, my wife has told me this many times, but she is still with me, which makes me want to get it right. I mean, stop 100% completely, not like 1 year then ok I can fall, no no, but stop it right now. No porn no masturbation, drinking only waters from my own cisterns (my wife mentioned in the proverbs) and if she is not into it, then asking God to remove this physical desire, and still not masturbate and definitely not watch porn. They are hell-bound and so I will go if I don't repent and believe. Well, I know I said a lot and I hope I didn't offend but I do offend a lot and it's not my intention. I know this. Our Heavenly Father is good, but will punish the wicked (me if I don't repent) also God wants us dads to step up to be a priest in the home, the spiritual leader, example, so our children and take that so a hopefully god-fearing finacee/spouse. My children are counting on me to do it right, no merely not watching porn, but being a godly husband to my wife and godly father to them. I know these things but I fail so many times. I will pray for you. Dear God, please bless this hurting wife of a man still stuck in sins like some of us here are, me too. Please help her heart to heal from this pain. Lord, please give her strength inside her inner women and let her be filled with Your Holy Spirit. Please help her to find the right words, right everything she needs to make her marriage survive and work and hopefully flourish. Please help this man to repent and believe in You Jesus. Please do the impossible of saving and making him born again if he is not already. Please do not let him go until he is born again and able to love his wife and be a godly husband and father to his children. Please give the counselors the right words and biblical edification and discipline and whatever is needed. Please help the husband to see and help me too to see who much wicked this sin is and please have mercy on his soul. Please break these chains of addictions. Lord, you said that You can break the chains and heal the oppressed and give sight to the blind and please we ask that You do this for this marriage. Please do not punish him but have mercy on him. In Jesus' name. Amen.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 22, 2021 12:00:31 GMT -7
Thank you for sharing your story and thank you for your prayer. What really makes it hard is the lies. I don’t trust him anymore and I don’t know how to fix that. It is emotional exhausting to be suspicious all the time. We have monitoring software which is supposed to tell me when he looks but it can’t be on his work computer. I know it’s a hard place you are in. Keep reading your Bible daily and praying. Be forthcoming with your wife and accountability partner. I think admitting it out loud is one of the best ways to deter you from it next time. Your wife sounds amazingly forgiving and loving. I thank God he has given you a wife to stand by you when you struggle with sin.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 22, 2021 12:02:04 GMT -7
On another point. What would you expect a pastor to do if a married man confessed his struggle with porn over the last 14 years on a brief crisis phone call?
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KevinesKay
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Divorce?
Sept 22, 2021 15:12:45 GMT -7
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Post by KevinesKay on Sept 22, 2021 15:12:45 GMT -7
On another point. What would you expect a pastor to do if a married man confessed his struggle with porn over the last 14 years on a brief crisis phone call? My pastor would refer him to seek help in a support group such as Celebrate Recovery.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 22, 2021 16:57:37 GMT -7
Thank you for sharing your story and thank you for your prayer. What really makes it hard is the lies. I don’t trust him anymore and I don’t know how to fix that. It is emotional exhausting to be suspicious all the time. We have monitoring software which is supposed to tell me when he looks but it can’t be on his work computer. I know it’s a hard place you are in. Keep reading your Bible daily and praying. Be forthcoming with your wife and accountability partner. I think admitting it out loud is one of the best ways to deter you from it next time. Your wife sounds amazingly forgiving and loving. I thank God he has given you a wife to stand by you when you struggle with sin. I don't know how to fix me, but God does. My wife can't fix me. She gave me up, that is what she said. I took that as she surrendered me to God. This is pretty scary when I heard it. It was scary because right away, I took it as God will kill me, send me to hell where I deserve. I still think I deserve hell, burning in flames. .but...God is not doing that to me. What is really helping is like what you wrote. read your Bible and pray. I do confess my sins on this site and call other others. I have no pastor at the moment because we are not going to church out of covid and they don't wear masks and it's really a stumbling block to me and my wife and family. We also got our shots too. Anyway, God has led me to another Pastor who we attended for over 10 years. He offered to help our family with family and marriage counseling. He also knows of my s-x addiction and my wife's heart aches. I trust him very much. I can see he is good. I am very happy God gave me my wife. I can't see any other man with her and I don't know why I'm a whore (sadly) this is the real me that needs to be crucified. Daily. Today, I read Romans 6 and I want to die, so Christ can live in me. Last night, I attended a Blazing Grace Prayer Meeting. It was great. I was in prayer with other godly men for one hour. Just talking, meditaing on the Lord.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 22, 2021 17:25:35 GMT -7
On another point. What would you expect a pastor to do if a married man confessed his struggle with porn over the last 14 years on a brief crisis phone call? I would expect a Pastor to - Pray for him
- Share the gospel and remind him of God's grace and punishment for sins (in this life and in hell, broken family is like hell)
- Recommend (Every Man's Battle, Celebrate Recovery, and of course, Blazing Grace) and any books that have to do with sex addiction for Christians (those are what I could find also xxxchurch I found a course there helpful.
- Recommend a counselor for sex addcition or psychotherapy
- Get into accountability group and recovery
I mentioned other ministries besides Blazing Grace only because I have been helped by a lot of places and if it were not for them and everyone, I might not have found Blazing Grace. There are books and articles on the Blazing Grace site. There is an 8 week course (I have yet to take but I want to take). The books are very good. I'm reading one right now.
When I asked my pastor (years ago) what he thought about a men's accountability group, he didn't respond well but said "Let's wait and see what the Lord wants". I thought it would have been what the Lord wants because fellowship and accountability but he might have had a lot on his place and not really understand this kind of issue. I am not faulting him. I have heard that churches can and probably should have some kind of men's ministry for this. A small church might not, but that is Ok because one can be started and there is a lot of materials for how to start one. It starts with two guys who want to be accountable and will call when tempted and pray and that like.
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Post by Will on Sept 24, 2021 1:22:32 GMT -7
Hey folks. Hey lethargic. Wow that's a tough question. One thing I would like to raise is the issue of Church discipline. Of course it's great for a Pastor to pray, listen (very important!) and refer to recovery and support groups. I would also expect a good Pastor to say this is not okay, so that membership in the Fellowship depends on some kind of accountability with other brothers in the Fellowship and some kind of 'plan' to stop this behaviour. Although this does sound very hypocritical coming from me! I guess the main thing would be to keep this behaviour accountable to either the Pastor or other leader(s) in the fellowship, so that any falls are reported immediately to them.
The reason I'm emphasising this is because I really feel that a wife cannot hold her husband accountable for this effectively. Firstly that would be a role reversal of the gender roles in the marriage. Secondly women's minds are different and they simply wouldn't 'get' how to monitor this. It needs I believe strong outside (the marriage) Christian male authority to come alongside the man and do the dirty work with him. That means:
a) the wife doesn't have to 'worry' so much about it, and she's certainly not alone in the battle b) she can basically consult the Fellowship member or members on how her husband is going, not having to rely on trusting her husband to tell her or having to interrogate him.
Imho there is basically no limit on the reporting, plans, courses and accountability requirements a Christian Fellowship should in this situation be able to impose on the husband in this situation - as a condition of his remaining a member of the Fellowship! And the more stringent, frankly the better for the marriage. If I was lead Pastor, I would appoint another guy in the Fellowship to be the husband's 'sponsor', after agreeing on the Fellowship's requirements of him, and tell that sponsor to be on him night and day keeping him accountable.
If this sounds harsh I really don't think so. Most porn addicts want to stop and be free from this. This kind of round the clock accountability and support is actually the best way for that Christian Fellowship to love that man and save that marriage! That's what we need guys!
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