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Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2021 18:24:35 GMT -7
I’m just curious, is the reason some men would rather masturbate than have sex with their wives because...
1) they can’t be turned on by real people anymore due to unrealistic standards in porn
2) they’re desensitized and real sex isn’t good enough anymore; it needs to be more extreme or an@l or whatever
3) real sex is not worth the physical work
Or is there another reason?
I really would like to know.
No judgment. And I appreciate your honesty or experience.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2021 19:08:48 GMT -7
1) in my case, it was always a secret addiction since age 5, not because of wife. She is very pretty, willing, and able but the addiction/lie/obession with s/ makes us (men) bow down like an idol and needs a new heart from Jesus. 2) yes, we are desensitized. We are bombarded by it, but that is not an excuse. Joseph ran away from Potifars wife in Gen 39. Like marijuana is a gateway drug, so is p and m. and yes, it gets more gross (orgy/straight to gay/beastiality/child p.rn) and ultimately serial killers. that is our destination unless God stops by cops, jail, stds, aids, divorce, someone else killing them, and through the miraculous new birth from Jesus Christ and learning and submitting to the Lord Jesus, and loving their wives. 3) No, I got real sex all the time, but still still did the worst things. Here is the honest truth for me. I love my own body and love it so that I would do anything and everything to satisfy the lust. watch porn, visit m.ssage parlors, prostitutes, and down the line of you know what else black things of satan.....The truth is found in Romans 1 'The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of people, who suppress the truth by their wickedness, since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse. For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like a mortal human being and birds and animals and reptiles. Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen. Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones. Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.'Romans 1:18-32 my.bible.com/bible/111/ROM.1.18-32Scripture is what I consider true and according to this.... I have gave up God for the creation (aka s.x) and that is/was my real true GOD, no matter what I profess. Which is why I am putting emphasis on being "born-again" John 3 and Romans 10:9-13, Psalms 51, we need to cry out like David for out sexual sins and weep for real, mourn for real, how much we hated God and loved sex more than God, more than our wives, and we treated the p.nis like a god and the women like a god when it's just God's creation that we are worshipping. Sorry for my bluntness but that is how I see my own sickness, which I can understand the cure is an being born again. We need the gospel of Jesus Christ, we need to learn how and what it means to be a real disciple of Jesus Christ. Jesus said that the gates of hell would not prevail against his church. Am I the church? why do I keep failing? Is this like Romans 7? A little bit, but we are not the same. 'Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. '
1 Corinthians 6:9-11 my.bible.com/bible/111/1CO.6.9-11 |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2021 19:14:26 GMT -7
some might say I'm legalistic, but this is what I strongly believe. ' “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it. ' Matthew 7:13-14 my.bible.com/bible/111/MAT.7.13-14' “Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them. ' Matthew 7:15-20 my.bible.com/bible/111/MAT.7.15-20' “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’ ' Matthew 7:21-23 my.bible.com/bible/111/MAT.7.21-23 |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2021 19:20:30 GMT -7
So I ask myself not judge others... Am I really saved? Where are the fruit? Where is this? 'If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. ' 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 my.bible.com/bible/111/1CO.13.1-3and 'But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.' Galatians 5:22-26 my.bible.com/bible/111/GAL.5.22-26This is how I try to examine myself.....not others, but if I am not saved, my issue of salvation is 1st and I trust God to save me, then all the rest (sobriety, loving my wife) comes next after I have been reconciled back to Jesus Christ. Now, our recovery looks more like this.. 'Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”' Matthew 28:18-20 my.bible.com/bible/111/MAT.28.18-20If our recovery is not fitting into the Plan and Will of God, then it's like we are unsaved men (or I am unsaved still) just trying to turn the 'animal' into a different kind of animal? It's impossible, never works, will only lead to self-righteousness (secular SA), and they will go to hell. Jesus spoke to self-righteous Pharisees the harshest not the humble sinner. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2021 19:24:06 GMT -7
to sum up what I"m trying to say.
It's not about sex, but about God.
we need to throw away our god (self/sex/p.enis/women/s body) and cry out for the true God. That's for I do and it works and I don't brag about my sobriety but just know I am 100 depending on Jesus.
when I feel strong, I need to watch out the Bible says.
When I feel indifferent/not caring about Bible reading, but more about "something else" that "something else" becomes the new 'idol' and now Satan has a foothold and make us take slow steps of comprimise and if he can get me to compromise (watching news/youtube/ i don't know what) on a point, that will be all he needs for the inevitable fall/sin/adultery, unless it's caught quick/ repented of and new resolve to live only for Jesus. and loving others for real
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Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2021 19:24:57 GMT -7
I would love to see what others here have to say. I might sound strong but that is just how I say it. I don't know any other way to say it and I'm not like a 'smiling' type of person. Sorry.  |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2021 19:36:08 GMT -7
Also, when I love God first, I am willing to allow my wife to "be ready" on her time and also not beg her for s.x because she tells me that when I do, it's selfish and she is not in the mood yet. Could be period, angry, bad mood, etc. So this is where I learn this...."I do not have a right for sex" >>>>? What yes, I gave us my rights for sex and am willing to wait until she wants it, and if she don't then I need to pray to God for him to help me take this desire away. The Bible does say husband love your wife and wife love your husband but that verse is sometimes abused by us guys to make our wives submit and that is not the heart of that scripture, that is legalism. Joseph was waiting over 9 months for Mary to give birth to Jesus, then he 'knew' his wife. see, I want to be like that guy. I don't need to say 'hey babe, can you give me a helping hand?" come on it's just 5 minutes" that is quick, cheap, and if she will not enjoy it but the guy only, then that is selfish in nature. If she can, ok, but honestly, I have felt guilty after these kinds of requests because I'm using my wife just for sex. ...this might be controversial for some but I don't want to be a husband making my wife serve me, no, I wish we would both love each other the same. That's really my point. This what God spoke to me recently Don't be controlled by your body. Kill every desire for the wrong kind of sex. Don't be immoral or indecent or have evil thoughts. Don't be greedy, which is the same as worshiping idols. Colossians 3:5 CEV my.bible.com/bible/392/COL.3.5.CEV |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2021 19:38:25 GMT -7
sorry, last post, I know some might be upset. Also, I'm not trying to discuss too more about this just giving my two cents. No reply is necessary for me but anyways. that's it. sorry I had a lot to say and didnt know it would be all spread out. ttyl all.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 23, 2021 21:34:37 GMT -7
I’m just curious, is the reason some men would rather masturbate than have sex with their wives because... 1) they can’t be turned on by real people anymore due to unrealistic standards in porn 2) they’re desensitized and real sex isn’t good enough anymore; it needs to be more extreme or an@l or whatever 3) real sex is not worth the physical work Or is there another reason? I really would like to know. No judgment. And I appreciate your honesty or experience. Lori, I appreciate the question. I think a lot of wives are wondering the same thing. There are a lot of reasons why a man would masturbate instead of having sex with his wife. I am guilty of withholding sex from my wife in exchange for the pursuit of counterfeits. The three reasons that you mentioned in your post ring very true to me. So yes, I've become less turned on by my wife, I'm desensitized, and I'm lazy. And here are some additional things. Masturbation is easy. And it's always available. I don't have to wait until my partner is ready. With masturbation, I can fantasize about any woman that I want. So I give my flesh an additional outlet of novelty. My flesh leads me to believe that I can have the best of all the worlds. That I can masturbate, fantasize, use pornography, use a prostitute, have an affair, aaaaaand still enjoy sex with my wife. What a lie. Because what happens is I overstimulate myself to the point that I'm not interested in having sex when my wife is available. On top of all of this, I have PIED, porn induced erectile dysfunction. And this is becoming more common in men. But this is just the exterior of it all. I want to go a little deeper with this. For me, when I masturbate, I fantasize about having sex with other women. I've come to terms with the fact that this is simply a building block behavior that exposes my true desire to actually fornicate myself and commit adultery. I believe Dominic mentioned something similar above. The fact is, my flesh desires to have sex with as many women as humanly possible. If I let my flesh do whatever it wants to do, I would completely dive myself into hedonism. Even if I had as many wives as Solomon, 1,000 women would not be enough to satisfy My flesh. My flesh fails to see the value in a monogamous, committed, deep, emotional, spiritual, sexual, relationship. I am broken. Over the years with my pursuit of adultery and fornication, I've successively overstimulated my brain and caused it to be desensitized to normal human sexual interactions. God did not design my brain to handle such overstimulation. And for me, there really is no reasoning with my flesh. I cannot control it. I cannot change it. I've been dealing with this since I was a young child as well. For most of my life, this is all I've known. Yet God is bigger than all of this. And only by submitting to him, do I have the power to do what is impossible through my flesh. I hope all of this makes sense. Please ask if you want more clarification in any area. Thanks |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2021 2:51:20 GMT -7
I appreciate all the information and honesty.
My husband has PIED and, though he finally admits to p.rn addiction, he denies that his addiction has left him with a lack of desire for me. He doesn’t desire to seek medical or mental help for it, claiming he’s embarrassed. But, clearly, he does not desire an intimate, bonded, nor physical relationship with me.
In the past, with his previous wife, he had a prescription for ED medications. I’m in NO WAY interested in s.x with a man who requires pills to be with me but is fine to get off in the shower alone. That’s just masking the problem and it’s not worth it. I want the whole relationship: not just the s.x. It’s not just the s.x that’s missing.
I didn’t know what the motivation (or lack there of) behind his unwillingness stems from. He doesn’t like to talk about it with me. So I appreciate a male perspective here. Thank you.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2021 5:21:07 GMT -7
I appreciate all the information and honesty. My husband has PIED and, though he finally admits to p.rn addiction, he denies that his addiction has left him with a lack of desire for me. He doesn’t desire to seek medical or mental help for it, claiming he’s embarrassed. But, clearly, he does not desire an intimate, bonded, nor physical relationship with me. In the past, with his previous wife, he had a prescription for ED medications. I’m in NO WAY interested in s.x with a man who requires pills to be with me but is fine to get off in the shower alone. That’s just masking the problem and it’s not worth it. I want the whole relationship: not just the s.x. It’s not just the s.x that’s missing. I didn’t know what the motivation (or lack there of) behind his unwillingness stems from. He doesn’t like to talk about it with me. So I appreciate a male perspective here. Thank you.
Jesus said, "You can't serve God and money" so we have to choose our god. If we choose God, we reject all other false gods (p and m which is adultery which is idolatry, which is worshipping another god aka me/self/body/their body".
Everytime I see a women walking her dog, at the first glance, I "have" to turn away in my eyes and my mind, because when the pull/temptation says "look again", and if I do Look.....it's making me sin and the Bible says "For the wages of sin is death...." Romans 6:23 and I do die, I die to my relationship growth in Jesus. I die to my abiding and staying united in Jesus (John 15)....because "I wandered" like a sheep who has gone "astray" and our sin "separate us" from God.
So he might not yet see it or admit it....but if we see something else (video games vs bible time) or (video games vs prayer) we do lose interest in the others. One of my heart-heardening practices is to play hours of video games, which make heart hard against God in a way, because if I feed the flesh so much, I lose interest in God. It's a tough fact I don't want to admit because I looooove my Minecraft and Fortnite (games ) and I have to get off, or play in small amounts of times, not be bored, play games or news or youtube, because it will "definately" kill my desire for #1 God which everything else good (my wife, family,) will suffer for it.
Dear Jesus, please help this marriage and help the husband to see that he needs You Lord and He needs his wife for companionship not just physical. Lord, please heal their marriage and please make him humble to find good counseling and help from his church leadership, brothers, pastors, or even Blazing Grace staff. Please make this women's hearts strong for you and please heal her wounds. Thank you for the brothers here who can share from a man's side to the hurting wives who are trying to understand their husbands better. In Jesus' name. Amen.
Here is the link for the counseling. I know my wife and I have benefit from marriage counselings.
God can deliver your husband like God is doing for men now. God has and will do it. God is able to heal all your pain too. My wife's heart is healing and it helps when I'm honest with her. Plus there are some guys here and in many other places who are sober for a long time too. It's all glory to God.
Romans 6
'What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— because anyone who has died has been set free from sin. Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God. In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness. For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace. What then? Shall we sin because we are not under the law but under grace? By no means! Don’t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness? But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you have come to obey from your heart the pattern of teaching that has now claimed your allegiance. You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness. I am using an example from everyday life because of your human limitations. Just as you used to offer yourselves as slaves to impurity and to ever-increasing wickedness, so now offer yourselves as slaves to righteousness leading to holiness. When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.' Romans 6:1-23 my.bible.com/bible/111/ROM.6.1-23
For you and others hurting really bad... 
' “All things have been committed to me by my Father. No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”' Matthew 11:27-30 my.bible.com/bible/111/MAT.11.27-30
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 24, 2021 7:02:03 GMT -7
I appreciate all the information and honesty. My husband has PIED and, though he finally admits to p.rn addiction, he denies that his addiction has left him with a lack of desire for me. He doesn’t desire to seek medical or mental help for it, claiming he’s embarrassed. But, clearly, he does not desire an intimate, bonded, nor physical relationship with me. In the past, with his previous wife, he had a prescription for ED medications. I’m in NO WAY interested in s.x with a man who requires pills to be with me but is fine to get off in the shower alone. That’s just masking the problem and it’s not worth it. I want the whole relationship: not just the s.x. It’s not just the s.x that’s missing. I didn’t know what the motivation (or lack there of) behind his unwillingness stems from. He doesn’t like to talk about it with me. So I appreciate a male perspective here. Thank you. You've been through a lot. This is hard. To bring this out into the light is a very admirable thing. How long have you been married? You mentioned that it's not just the sex that's missing, I would like to know what comes to your mind when you shared that. Since this severely impacts your desire to have sex with your husband, how are you managing that? Are you choosing to abstain? If so, how long? Or have you been forcing yourself to be sexually compliant even though your heart is not into it? Is this the first time you're reaching out? If not, what other steps have you taken? How would you rate your relationship with God on a scale of 1 to 10? How would you rate your husband's relationship with God? Gee, I'm asking a lot of questions. I hope that's okay. Again, I think it's great that you're bringing this out into the open. We're only as sick as our secrets. Thanks for sharing. |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2021 15:34:50 GMT -7
Sorry. Big quote and nothing from me.
Yay, I figured out how to delete it.
LOL. Still learning my way around here.
We have been married for 7 years, together for 11. I knew about his p.rn habits and married him anyway thinking I could “be a good wife” and everything would work itself out. I didn’t understand that it was an addiction at the time.
We’ve been celibate most of our years together.
We get along pretty well- as platonic room mates.
I am not sure what the rating criteria is- but I’ll say 10 out of 10 that it is well with my soul and God has my back.
I attend church (Presbyterian) sporadically and haven’t been in almost a year due to Covid and work. I watch online sometimes, but not often. I go through spells of lots of Bible reading and then droughts for a bit.
My husband was baptized in our church December 2019. But he has never disclosed his issues with anyone except our Christian marriage counselor.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2021 16:42:46 GMT -7
But he has never disclosed his issues with anyone except our Christian marriage counselor.
I wish there was a way for him and I to talk and meet. Probably he might not like it for feel comfortable but I would be able to hear him out and share my own struggles and we could pray together too. I not "more righteous than anyone despite what my natural "self-righteousness" says to me. God only is righteous. Amen.
Well, if you want to give him my number email or skype, it's on my profile, please send it to him...if you pray to God and have peace and feel that it's God 'ok'ing it. If not, It's ok. We can pray for him because he needs it and so do.
Dear Lord, please help this marriage to become in Jesus. Please help them flourish and help him to look only at his wife and find her the best, and please help him to treat sin as garbage, as I also need to Lord. Please bless them and the wife especially with everything they need. In Jesus' name. Amen.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 24, 2021 20:28:20 GMT -7
Hi @lori,
Thanks for sharing.
You're not the first wife to think that marriage would fix everything, and you certainly won't be the last.
A lot of Christian couples find themselves in the same situation.
And the embarrassment that your husband feels is something that I can relate to a lot. And it interferes with my willingness to reach out for help. Getting help is not a bad thing. It's a good thing. No one should be looked at as less for doing so.
Speaking of help, a lot of us on BG have discovered that the biggest source of help and strength comes from the Lord, Jesus Christ. I trust that He will be able to provide answers as long as you keep seeking Him.
I heard that there is a weekly phone meeting for wives. If you have interest in that, I'd be happy to find out more details for you.
Thanks again for sharing. Please feel free to express how things are going for you and how we can help.
There is no shame or judgement in that.
You're among friends.
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