Number 1 secret of happily married couples

Thanks, Will!

Listening to it right now.

I haven't watched the other ones you posted that I had bookmarked the other day yet, but I totally should make time for those, also!

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"We have to have that good will and believe in the intentions of our spouse if we want to be happily married" (9:13)
It's hard to believe in the intentions of your spouse when they have done nothing but disrespect you through lying & manipulation throughout the entire relationship.
The only intentions I have seen in this relationship are selfish, egotistical, and underhanded. So that's confusing for me.
I am actually not sure if it is wise for someone in this type of marriage to just keep telling themselves to believe that their spouse has good intentions.

" .....and it's not even true! you're sabotaging the relationship for no reason!" (9:27)
I assume that she just talking about marriages in general.
Or is she talking about marriages in which one of the spouses has PA/SA/MA ?
These are clearly horses of a different color.
I don't consider being real or honest with myself about what my marriage to my husband is like as me simply sabotaging the marriage.
And I especially wouldn't do it for no reason.

"It all starts with : 'What am I assuming?' " (10:45)
Well.. I guess since my husband tells me lies, I am assuming that he is a liar.
I guess since my husband makes promises to me and then breaks them, I am assuming that his word doesn't mean anything.
I suppose that since my husband manipulates me, I am assuming that he is a manipulative person.
Since my husband does more for himself than anyone or anything else & his own happiness or gain is the driving factor in most all of his decision-making, I am assuming that he is selfish.

I don't know about everyone else, but I choose to assume whatever reality, action, and time continue to show me time and time again... 

In most marriages where there is a some sort of addiction, changes in behavior must first be made in order for this trust and good will to begin to rebuild itself....

"You might think that it is so important to not let the other person off the hook. You might think it's important for you to be able to unleash." (14:01)
I don't think that this is important in the least.
Clearly, I have been showing my PA husband time and time again that what is important to me is forgiveness.

I have done SO MUCH forgiving and instantly trying to move on, I really actually feel like that has been the biggest part of my entire relationship with my husband.
I forgave my husband when he didn't even bother to ask for it.
To anyone that has been to that place spiritually and emotionally, you know how challenging and freeing that is. You have no idea unless you've been there.

Here's how important it is for me to "not let him off the hook": I bought him clothes, spent entire days in the kitchen and spent literally hundreds of dollars cooking him huge, awesome meaty meals complete with side dishes for him to take with him when we were separated because he had lied to me, destroyed my faith and trust in him and hurt me deeply- (again!), showered him in gifts and what I would call "Husband Appreciation Days" where I would lay out all kinds of things gift wrapped in different, bright colored tissue paper that I had bought for him online and in stores and arrange them all nice out on the kitchen table so when he walked in the door, he'd see all of these nice little gifts for him complete with a great big hug from a smiling wife, excited licks from jumping dogs, and usually I'd light some candles just to be extra sweet; Doing all of his laundry, most of his cleaning and cooking, spending countless hours rewriting and beefing up his resume, making plants for his new church friends and thanking them for welcoming my husband into their church and for being so gracious etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc. And let's not forget the sexual favors. Pretty sure I do more than most wives in that department. 

All the while, I was still being lied to, manipulated, and put through such agonizing pain that rocked me to the very core of my being.

If my husband thinks that raising my voice at him when he starts lying to me and/or going against his word and/or going back on something he has promised me is my 'unleashing', then he can just deal with it until it changes. Just like I have to deal with his PA and the pain he constantly causes me until it changes. Just like him, 'I'll do my best' - as he oftentimes likes to say. (Let's not forget that my husband has done plenty of unleashing... yelling, breaking things, storming out, getting drunk and wondering around downtown at night sending me cryptic, troubling, drunk text messages, etc).

As stated above, I have done way more to show through ACTION that forgiving my husband is much more important to me than my 'unleashing' on him.
Obviously.

"To not believe that they care- that's a problem." (14:15)
I completely agree with this statement.
And you may think that so far, I am missing the mark of this video, but I get what she saying, I promise.

That being said, it's still not easy for the someone who has been hurt so much by their spouse repeatedly over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again to believe that their spouse cares.

** I have paused it - to be Continued **

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"For the wives, for example, to the husbands, they tend to say thank you a lot." (16:14)
As a wife, this is actually extremely important to me, as well!
I am VERY big on saying thank you, also and when I hear 'thank you', I am hearing 'I love you', also!
I am a pretty appreciative person.
My husband hears thank you every single day we spend any time together- multiple times- for everything. All things big and small.
When we first started sharing space together, h (bf at the time) rarely told me thank you. For anything. Ever. 

Because I put a very high priority on gratefulness & appreciation, this really bothered me but I wasn't sure how to tactfully bring this to his attention.
After about a year or so, the second time he came to visit me here, I remember the night I finally told him my expectations on this issue:
I had dropped an entire paycheck on buying us groceries, and as we were both hauling the bags out to the truck, I said,
"Woah! That was my whole whole paycheck already!.. Good thing I've got more coming."
His response was , "Yep, easy come, easy go."


After we got the groceries loaded up, I lit a cigarette and had a talk with him and explained how unappreciated I felt when he did not show me gratitude when I did things for him. I explained to him where I was coming from, and why I felt that way- 
When I was a kid, I told my parents how good the meal was and thanked them for making it for me.
Then I washed my dishes.
That's just how I was raised and I am so thankful that my parents took the time to raise me like that. 

Anyways, I explained that being thanked and told that my efforts were appreciated meant A LOT to me and made me feel respected and loved.
It really hurt and offended me when I was not thanked for things I specifically did for him.

He apologized, and said that he thought it was a cultural thing.
He informed me that he would work on it and he seemed genuine at the time, and....
PRAISE GOD, he has really turned this around! He is way more grateful these days!
Not only to me, but in all things general! 

Thanks for reminding me of a positive way in which my husband has changed!
(I must add this to my Things I Love About My PA Husband List!)

As far as me telling him thank you... I don't think I need to really elaborate on that all too much, it should be pretty obvious.

Lately, I think that I have been getting resentful at his obvious expectation for me to fall at his feet like he is the king of the universe for certain things that have, in reality, frustrated me and made me feel unimportant and unloved because of his lack of dedication in getting them done despite multiple promises. But I still tell him thank you and that I appreciate it, although he rarely, if ever at all, shows any kind of caring, remorse, or responsibility for my repeated disappointment and the way it effects me 

I am trying to break this cycle because I realize it is making me feel negative about things that I usually feel positive about, so during this last separation, I tried to not fall over saying oh thank you, honey!! Good job, that's great, hell yeah! regarding things of this nature. A simple, "Thank you." just like that, just one time is what I am trying to do for certain things. I've created a 'Thank You' monster!! lol 

No matter what, I try to be pretty mindful that anything the boy brain does in response to being asked for help  or just on his own needs to be acknowledged and appreciated for at least one reason or more.

Perfect recent example: Husband was acting very sweet and even a few times, he would even bring me gifts to the house when he came to visit, and I think he mentioned that he had bought me a new hose- Even though it wasn't he one that I wanted.

It is probably important to note that although I had that type of garden hose before and I hate them, actually, and have pointed them out to him in the store before and mentioned how much I hate them, I told him how much it meant to me that he went out of his way to do something so thoughtful for me! And he even went all the way over to the other hardware store to get this specific one?? Aww, thanks so much! I really appreciate that. I really don't like this kind of hose though because they feel very heavy, and they actually tend to kink up and are hard for me to use...Maybe we can return it and get the $30 back??? ** I see his smile start to fade and his face a bit ** You know what? It's been a really long time since I've used one like this, let's try it out... Oh hey! Look at that! It's not really as bad as I remembered.. That's not bad at all! Hey, and you got the perfect nozzle attachment to go with it! I really like this a lot, thank you baby! This was all really thoughtful of you! And look! No more puddles form a hole in the hose! THANKS!!! *hug*kiss*

The intention behind the action means a lot to me. 
It's more important to me than most anything else, because the intention is what makes me feel the love and affirmation.

How do I say thank you to my husband?
I make him fresh coffee and light candles after getting the kitchen spotless so that everything looks nice, clean, and calm (except for the dogs! lol) for when he walks in the door after work - Welcome home, baby! My hardworking man! How was your day today? Would you like some coffee?? Take your shoes off, etc etc
I say thank you for working today!
I say thank you when he goes to pump the gas so I can wait in the car.
I say thank you every time we load and unload groceries in the car together.
I say thank you when he unlocks my car door.
I say thank you when he gives me an O.
I say thank you when he gets up to let the dogs outside.
I say thank you when he makes sure the truck gets to the mechanic to get fixed -
(A BIG deal! I have such a terrible sense of direction, I cant even find my way to the mechanic. Seriously.)

I say thank you when he does the dishes.
I say thank you when he hands me the lighter.
I say thank you when he rubs my feet.
I say thank you for ALL things, big and small.

I hope my husband knows that I love him by now.

Hey Butterfly,


The good intentions. Yes it is, it is hard. Nevertheless, it is the only way to be happily married.

when they have done nothing but disrespect you through lying & manipulation throughout the entire relationship.

You think. But what this research is saying, is that they have done more than that. Has your husband ever done anything respectful to you? If he has then your statement above is bearing false witness.

I am actually not sure if it is wise for someone in this type of marriage to just keep telling themselves to believe that their spouse has good intentions.

And that is where you are wrong. According to all the research, and Shaunti Feldhahn, and everyone in all the extensive surveys she conducted



Correctamundo. It seems like you are saying you will be a good wife to him as long as he is a good husband to you. But what about this from our Lord Jesus Christ:

"Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.

But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.

For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?"



And what this research says is that as long as you continue to do that, it will not be possible for you to have a happy marriage with anyone!


I know it is hard and obviously your husband's behaviour is bad. But quite a lot of the 'over and over's could have been him hurting you when he was actually intending to do something different.






Please unpause it and watch the rest!!

Hey Guys...
Their are lots of interesting topics on the forum lately... i need to catch up!
I like that we can all be Adults and help each other out and no one is taking things to personally when a thought or opinion is given... its nice to be able to express yourself!


I'm gonna weigh in on the convo even though i haven't seen any of the videos!


For me ... when i give my thoughts its not about taking side's with anyone.. its about the life i have experienced and being able to completely relate with that person. I can really relate and understand how Butterfly is feeling because i live it! DAILY!

everyone has had some wonderful points and I'm still learning myself! We all our. The learning curve never seems to stop if your gonna continue to stay married. I am thankful i get to read all these thoughts because they stop and make you think! Thanks for that everyone.


Ok... so....
What Leaning wrote...was beautiful and profound... i truely do feel sorrow and pain for my husband because his father was and is still a PA and he is 70 years old.
He is the one that introduced it to my husband at a very young age. For this reason i have stood by my husband for 28 years fighting for him to stop the destruction with his PA. My husband will tell you.. he doesn't deserve someone as loving and forgiving as me. He hasent given me a while lot of reason to stay but yet i still do because i feel he still deserves to be loved and forgiven from all his mistakes and sins. I choose to give him the benefit of the doubt time and time again but he seems to take advantage of that. Instead of seeing the fact that im trying to be loving like God and not scream and cuss him out and throw things and put him out or belittle him .. he just see me being kind and loving and just keeps on walking all over me! I can look at porn she will forgive me and love me .. like she always does! I can go sleep with another woman .. she will never know! She won't leave anyway...
At some point you realize what are our husbands doing to really prove themselves and to show that our marriage means more than their addiction! When are our husbands gonna realize that whatever unfortunate thing started this horrible addiction while it sad and i feel bad for that lost little boy... they are men now and know right from wrong and most of them are well versed in the bible and it does clearly state the way a man should treat his wife. Porn addiction, lying, cheating, not repenting all of these things clearly go against that...

Us wives are asked to be held to a higher standard by .. giving them the benifit of the doubt, obeying God, seeing them as head of house hold, respecting their judgement, believing that his intentions are good .. his heart pure, showing we believe in them and have confidence in them... etc...


I feel alot of household are in turmoil because husbands aren't stepping up to the plate! Alot of wives are running the show because the men arent leading their families... wives are! We have no choice someone has got to do it!

I understand Butterfly because she has been giving of herself threw out her marriage thinking if she leads by example and wasent judgemental or mean. If she tried to give him the benifit of the doubt and forgave him over and over. If she just kept trusting him.. believing in him and didnt nag him that somehow he could see he pain and that she was loving him anyway even though his actions hurt like Hell.. that at some point he would take notice and make changes! Or at the very least be honest with his struggle.... but that day never comes and lies just keep on comming day after day after day and slowly know matter how hard she tries to fight the anger and the sad feelings they start to rip her apart! Even after all of that sge finally starts to stand up for herself and asks him to move out because she just cant take this anymore.. you would think having to leave his home would be a HUGE WAKEUP CALL. That our husbands would begin to see that she beeds him to give to her so she can feel that she has something left to fight for.... but sadly no! The problems kerp comming ge hasent stepped up to the plate and so now ... she is just angry!
Because Even after having him leave and that hurting her something awful. Sge still hasent Divorced him and is looking for any tiny shred of hope that sge can hild on to to keep her marriage aband d the man she loves so much!

I understand this because i am the wife of a PA who lies directly to my face but yet i am still humble and loving trying to save my marriage.

For example.. husband in in back if truck laying in bed.. i make it ckear im not gonna tolerate him looking at porn but especially with me 3 feet from him driving. So i ask are you looking at porn... he say NO! with sweet smile on hus face... i give him the benefit of the doubt and believe him even though i know that its not smarr to do rhat because he has lied to much in the past. But i take a deep breath.. Pray to God and trust him...
About 30 min later i give him praise .. i pull over kiss and hug him.. thank him fir being honest abd open and tell him how proud i an if him...he guves me a big smile and tells me he loves me. I go in for just one more hug and i accidently set my had on his leg and suddenly realize he has an erection. My heart sinks! I ask him why he has an erection and then i get the look... i ask are you looking at porn and he says YES!.... once again... i was lied to straight to my face!

At some point you start to wonder when is my husband gonna show me the love and care i show him.


.....continued

Truth Time.
Are you ready, GHP?
So... let's turn the tables for minute.

Pretend that you have no idea where to begin in terms of truly loving a person for who they are and as the spiritual being that God made them.

Pretend, (just for a minute) that the main thing you think and care about every day and night, all day and night long are other people's current human form & how your brain can justify using pictures of it, videos of it, or seeing it in real life to make you feel good about yourself.

You're still YOU, GHP, but you have this different brain now. (Just for a minute).

Now take a look at your husband.

Is he overweight? Too skinny? 
What about his height? Is he too short? Too tall, maybe?
How are his pecks? Does he need to work them out? Are they saggy? Too hairy for your liking? Too big because he works out too much? Does he need hair on them?
Are his arms really buff? Slightly toned? Skinny? Which way do you prefer them?
How is his hair? Is he balding? Is it getting thin? Do you like his haircut the way it is? How about the color? Too long? Too short?
What about your husband's body hair? Is he too hairy? Does he not have any at all? Where is his body hair? Is it too thick in some places?
Is is stomach fat? Is his stomach flabby? Does he have stretchmarks?  Is his stomach hairy? Totally hairless? Small patches of hair? Is his stomach too skinny?
How about your husband's p***s? Is it too short? Too long? Too skinny? Too wide? Is it crooked? Do you prefer circumcised, or uncircumcised?
How do his t*******s look? Does he have big ones? Or small ones? Are they hairy? Too hairy? Do you think he needs to wax or trim? Do they hang even?
What does his butt look like? Is it fat? Nonexistent? Is it hairy? Do you like it?
How are his legs? Are they are too skinny? Too hairy? Are they fat? Does he need to tone them up? Would you prefer that he had more hair on them?
What is his skin tone like? Is it even? Do you prefer him to be pale? Should he get a tan? Is he too tan? Does he have acne anywhere or any skin conditions?
Are his feet too big or too small? Are any of his toes misshapen? How are his toes? Are his fingers and toenails manicured to your liking? Are they dirty? Too long?
How about his face? Does he have any bags under his eyes? Wrinkles? How are his cheekbones? Are his cheeks fat? How many chins does he have? 
How's his facial hair? Does he shave? Would you prefer a beard? Does he need a mustache? Would he look better with a goatee? 
What does his mouth look like? Does he have nice teeth? Are they white enough for you? Are his teeth straight?

Now get your old brain back and realize that your little human husband sitting in the back over there has NO BUSINESS telling you what you should look like. Ever.

You just keep that in mind the next time he is making you doubt your self-worth over something as stupid as what you look like.

You are loved, and you are beautiful. Period.

Your husband has no idea what he's talking about because he doesn't know how to use his brain properly.
His mind is warped with addiction and it holds his brain in bondage.
He is corrupt and self-serving with his eyes and uses his tongue to spread that poison to your mind. 
He has no idea what he wants.
Jesus can free him.

But in the meantime,
Don't let that guy in the back over there ever make you feel less than the beautiful person that you are - inside AND out. EVER.

*love*hugs*

GHP, You pretty much know exactly what it's like for me, what I mean, and where I am coming from because we are fighting on the same side of this battle!
You've been through it! You know what you're talking about and I love that you keep it real but are also sweet about things and really caring when you talk about stuff. You are a very nurturing woman, I can tell. Thank you for relating to me on a very true and real level. For some people, that's not always easy.
Thank, you for reaching back to me 
Hey, how are the grandkid(s)? 

"What gave me that impression is that in your posts that I have read you speak about your marriage as though your husband's actions entitled you no longer to be a good wife to him because he was not a good husband to you (although you state that you are still a good wife to him anyway). But that is not what Jesus Christ says."
I still don't understand why you would say this, examples please.

Why the quotation marks?
Because I was quoting you.

No, I think you’re being purposefully argumentative to avoid taking this Godly advice from a Godly Christian researcher to heart, and acting on it in a way that would greatly benefit you.
It's unfortunate that when you see that someone doesn't agree 100% with you on something that you think it's because they are being purposefully argumentative, despite the fact that they present their point of view clearly, concisely, and constructively....
...Even when they go out of their way to explain to you that they're not purposefully trying to be argumentative.
Sounds like you need to start assuming good intentions!

It seems to me that you enjoy acting like you know better or know more than other people around you instead of considering someone else's opinion prayerfully and responding with a humble spirit.

If you are bowing out of the conversation, that's fine with me! 
God Bless You, Will!