Listening to it right now.
I haven't watched the other ones you posted that I had bookmarked the other day yet, but I totally should make time for those, also!
******************************************************************************************************************"We have to have that good will and believe in the intentions of our spouse if we want to be happily married" (9:13)
It's hard to believe in the intentions of your spouse when they have done nothing but disrespect you through lying & manipulation throughout the entire relationship.
The only intentions I have seen in this relationship are selfish, egotistical, and underhanded. So that's confusing for me.
I am actually not sure if it is wise for someone in this type of marriage to just keep telling themselves to believe that their spouse has good intentions." .....and it's not even true! you're sabotaging the relationship for no reason!" (9:27)
I assume that she just talking about marriages in general.
Or is she talking about marriages in which one of the spouses has PA/SA/MA ?
These are clearly horses of a different color.
I don't consider being real or honest with myself
about what my marriage to my husband is like as me simply sabotaging
And I especially
wouldn't do it for no reason."It all starts with : 'What am I assuming?' " (10:45)
Well.. I guess since my husband tells me lies, I am assuming that he is a liar.
I guess since my husband makes promises to me and then breaks them, I am assuming that his word doesn't mean anything.
I suppose that since my husband manipulates me, I am assuming that he is a manipulative person.
Since my husband does more for himself than anyone or anything else & his own happiness or gain is the driving factor in most all of his decision-making, I am assuming that he is selfish.
I don't know about everyone else, but I choose to assume
whatever reality, action, and time continue to show me time and time again...
In most marriages where there is a some sort of addiction, changes in behavior must first be made in order for this trust and good will to begin to rebuild itself...."You might think that it is so important to not let the other person off the hook. You might think it's important for you to be able to unleash." (14:01)
I don't think that this is important in the least.
Clearly, I have been showing my PA husband time and time again that what is important to me is forgiveness
I have done SO MUCH forgiving and instantly trying to move on, I really actually feel like that has been the biggest part of my entire relationship with my husband.
I forgave my husband when he didn't even bother to ask for it.
To anyone that has been to that place spiritually and emotionally, you know how challenging and freeing that is. You have no idea unless you've been there.
Here's how important it is for me to "not let him off the hook": I bought him clothes, spent entire days in the kitchen and spent literally hundreds of dollars cooking him huge, awesome meaty meals complete with side dishes for him to take with him when we were separated because he had lied to me, destroyed my faith and trust in him and hurt me deeply- (again
!), showered him in gifts and what I would call "Husband Appreciation Days" where I would lay out all kinds of things gift wrapped in different, bright colored tissue paper that I had bought for him online and in stores and arrange them all nice out on the kitchen table so when he walked in the door, he'd see all of these nice little gifts for him complete with a great big hug from a smiling wife, excited licks from jumping dogs, and usually I'd light some candles just to be extra sweet; Doing all of his laundry, most of his cleaning and cooking, spending countless hours rewriting and beefing up his resume, making plants for his new church friends and thanking them for welcoming my husband into their church and for being so gracious etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc. And let's not forget the sexual favors. Pretty sure I do more than most wives in that department.
All the while, I was still being lied to, manipulated, and put through such agonizing pain that rocked me to the very core of my being.
If my husband thinks that raising my voice at him when he starts lying to me and/or going against his word and/or going back on something he has promised me is my 'unleashing', then he can just deal with it until it changes. Just like I have to deal with his PA and the pain he constantly causes me until it
changes. Just like him, 'I'll do my best' - as he oftentimes likes to say. (Let's not forget that my husband has done plenty of unleashing... yelling, breaking things, storming out, getting drunk and wondering around downtown at night sending me cryptic, troubling, drunk text messages, etc).
As stated above, I have done way more to show through ACTION that forgiving
my husband is much more important to me than my 'unleashing' on him.
Obviously."To not believe that they care- that's a problem." (14:15)
I completely agree with this statement.
And you may think that so far, I am missing the mark of this video, but I get what she saying, I promise.
That being said, it's still
not easy for the someone who has been hurt so much by their spouse repeatedly over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again to believe that their spouse cares.
** I have paused it - to be Continued **
************************************************************************************************************************************"For the wives, for example, to the husbands, they tend to say thank you a lot." (16:14)
As a wife, this is actually extremely important to me, as well!
I am VERY big on saying thank you, also and when I hear 'thank you', I am hearing 'I love you', also!
I am a pretty appreciative person.
My husband hears thank you every single day we spend any time together- multiple times- for everything. All things big and small.
When we first started sharing space together, h (bf at the time) rarely told me thank you. For anything. Ever.
Because I put a very high priority on gratefulness & appreciation, this really bothered me but I wasn't sure how to tactfully bring this to his attention.
After about a year or so, the second time he came to visit me here, I remember the night I finally told him my expectations on this issue:
I had dropped an entire paycheck on buying us groceries, and as we were both hauling the bags out to the truck, I said,
"Woah! That was my whole whole paycheck already!.. Good thing I've got more coming."
His response was , "Yep, easy come, easy go."
After we got the groceries loaded up, I lit a cigarette and had a talk with him and explained how unappreciated I felt when he did not show me gratitude when I did things for him. I explained to him where I was coming from, and why I felt that way-
When I was a kid, I told my parents how good the meal was and thanked them for making it for me.
Then I washed my dishes.
That's just how I was raised and I am so thankful that my parents took the time to raise me like that.
Anyways, I explained that being thanked and told that my efforts were appreciated meant A LOT to me and made me feel respected and loved.
It really hurt and offended me when I was not thanked for things I specifically did for him
He apologized, and said that he thought it was a cultural thing.
He informed me that he would work on it and he seemed genuine at the time, and....
PRAISE GOD, he has really turned this around! He is way more grateful these days!
Not only to me, but in all things general!
Thanks for reminding me of a positive way in which my husband has changed!
(I must add this to my Things I Love About My PA Husband List!)
As far as me telling him thank you... I don't think I need to really elaborate on that all too much, it should be pretty obvious.
Lately, I think that I have been getting resentful at his obvious expectation for me to fall at his feet like he is the king of the universe for certain things that have, in reality, frustrated me and made me feel unimportant and unloved because of his lack of dedication in getting them done despite multiple promises. But I still tell him thank you and that I appreciate it, although he rarely, if ever at all, shows any kind of caring, remorse, or responsibility for my repeated disappointment and the way it effects me
I am trying to break this cycle because I realize it is making me feel negative about things that I usually feel positive about, so during this last separation, I tried to not fall over saying oh thank you, honey!! Good job, that's great, hell yeah! regarding things of this nature. A simple, "Thank you." just like that, just one time is what I am trying to do for certain things. I've created a 'Thank You' monster!! lol
No matter what, I try to be pretty mindful that anything the boy brain does in response to being asked for help or just on his own needs to be acknowledged and appreciated for at least one
reason or more.
Perfect recent example: Husband was acting very sweet and even a few times, he would even bring me gifts to the house when he came to visit, and I think he mentioned that he had bought me a new hose- Even though it wasn't he one that I wanted.
It is probably important to note that although I had that type of garden hose before and I hate
them, actually, and have pointed them out to him in the store before and mentioned how much I hate them, I told him how much it meant to me that he went out of his way to do something so thoughtful for me! And he even went all the way over to the other hardware store to get this specific one?? Aww, thanks so much! I really appreciate that. I really don't like this kind of hose though because they feel very heavy, and they actually tend to kink up and are hard for me to use...Maybe we can return it and get the $30 back???
** I see his smile start to fade and his face a bit ** You know what? It's been a really long time since I've used one like this, let's try it out... Oh hey! Look at that! It's not really as bad as I remembered.. That's not bad at all! Hey, and you got the perfect nozzle attachment to go with it! I really like this a lot, thank you baby! This was all really thoughtful of you! And look! No more puddles form a hole in the hose! THANKS!!! *hug*kiss*
The intention behind the action means a lot to me.
It's more important to me than most anything else, because the intention is what makes me feel
the love and affirmation.
How do I say thank you to my husband?
I make him fresh coffee and light candles after getting the kitchen spotless so that everything looks nice, clean, and calm (except for the dogs! lol) for when he walks in the door after work - Welcome home, baby! My hardworking man! How was your day today? Would you like some coffee?? Take your shoes off,
I say thank you for working today!
I say thank you when he goes to pump the gas so I can wait in the car.
I say thank you every time we load and unload groceries in the car together.
I say thank you when he unlocks my car door.
I say thank you when he gives me an O.
I say thank you when he gets up to let the dogs outside.
I say thank you when he makes sure the truck gets to the mechanic to get fixed - (A BIG deal! I have such a terrible sense of direction, I cant even find my way to the mechanic. Seriously.)
I say thank you when he does the dishes.
I say thank you when he hands me the lighter.
I say thank you when he rubs my feet.
I say thank you for ALL things, big and small.
I hope my husband knows that I love him by now.