New here..

Hi, Beauty!
Welcome!

Thanks for sharing!! 
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy that is arriving soon, what a blessing. I bet you're so excited! 

As of right now, my PA husband of a year and 1/2 has finally seemed to accept the challenge of trying to get sober.
Currently, he is trying to get sober & trying to learn how to be truthful.
He states that I was the first person to ever challenge him that he was addicted to P, so it's been a very long road the past year & 1/2-
It took him over a year after admitting that he was addicted to get serious about getting help. 
So that's where I'm at.

I am on the long road to recovery from the damage as well, but I am being struck with very real thoughts of 'Get Divorced! Now! Stop wasting your time!' and they are very hard for me to ignore at this point. I am trying to keep this 'marriage' together.
Let's encourage each other to make this work, yes?! Yay!

"Grateful an option like this exists for ladies like us... I read a ton of posts on here last night and boy is it a breath of fresh air to know I'm not the only one dealing with a husband with a PA."
I feel the same way! When I first started reading on here, SO many of the experiences were JUST like mine!!

It affirmed that I was NOT crazy, and that this WAS actually happening and my husband was actually lying to me as much as I thought he was -
I wasn't a 'damaged woman who had bad experiences with men in the past and so that's why I couldn't trust him' like I was being led to believe.
It was a very painful relief for me to know that the actions and behaviors of PA husbands are all eerily similar.

"Once we got married we would once in a blue moon watch something together just to spice things up. Which makes me feel so bad with what I know now.. "
DON'T feel bad about that. You know deep down that you would have done things differently had you known the truth.

It's not your fault your husband was not truthful with you about his P habits, despite having conversations with you about it.

"After getting married, I noticed how long he would spend in the bathroom after work, before bed, before work... and I'm talking like 40 min if I didn't ask him through the door if he's alright 😂 But I definitely knew something was going on and I would straight up ask him if he was watching porn/masturbating and he would always say no. "
I went through the exact same kinds of things with my husband.

I would wake up, and either his side of the bed would be empty, or he'd juuuuuust be closing the bedroom door as quietly as possible to go out into the kitchen to watch P or chat online with other women, ogle women he knew on facebook, look on Ashley Madison, etc etc. Pick my poison- he did it all. 
(I'm sorry, but didn't you just tell me that was the best S you have ever had and that I make you feel like you're 16 again....What the heck are you doing that for now??)
One word, and you already know what it is: Addiction.

I knew he was watching P during all of those instances, but of course, he lied about it.
He had no reason to lie to me about it in the early stages of our relationship- I don't have a problem with porn. Or I didn't. Now, I kind of have to. I mean, it's destroyed my husband's life, and mine in the process.

I literally have nightmares about opening the bedroom door, walking down the hallway, and seeing him sitting in the kitchen, facing me, the glow of laptop on his face while he scrambled to click a bunch of buttons to 'x' out of all the crap he was doing.

In reality when this happened, mostly every morning/night, I would come out to the kitchen and he would then of course, proceed to lie to me about what he was doing, making up all of the fantastic stories about innocent chatting while playing his "small games" online, or quoting some dumb article he claimed to have just been reading. It was so obvious that he was lying.

He also had a 'tell'. He'd get all nervous when he'd hear me open the bedroom door, and the clicking would begin!
*click*click*click*click* And as soon as he was done with the last *click* at getting rid of his evidence, he'd lift one of his arms and put the palm of his hand on the back of his head and rub the back of his head for a few seconds like he was just ruffling his hair.
To me, everything was so obvious.
And every lie  killed a little piece of my heart.

"his excuse was that (because I was so early in pregnancy, my hormones were crazy and I didn't want to be touched at all, in any way) I didn't want to have sex and if I had sex with him he wouldn't have to watch porn and masturbate..."
Please don't ever let yourself believe this lie.

He watches porn and masturbates because he chooses to watch porn and masturbate.
He watches porn and masturbates because he is addicted to watching porn and masturbating.
Nothing you do or don't do other than helping him face his addiction and overcome his addiction to watching P and M will ever change that.

There are underlying causes for this addiction that your husband needs to figure out and work through.

Whether or not you have sex with him once every single day or 5 times a day, he will most likely continue to watch P and M just as much as he always has.

"looking back at that now, knowing what I know, why would he ever put me in that situation and blame me for his addiction? "
I think that most all spouses of PA have also asked themselves that question.

It's very painful to realize that your H is causing so much pain to you personally and also damage to the marriage by his P and M addiction, then comes the BIG blow:
He tries to convince you that it's YOUR fault that he is choosing to engage in this behavior! 

I know it's hard, but don't take any of that too much to heart right now- Addicts will always find something or someone else to blame for their behavior.
Until he is seriously ready to start making changes, he will probably always site a specific excuse or reason for it rather than admit that he is making bad decisions.

If he admitted to making bad decisions, then he'd have to work on changing his behavioral patterns and giving up P & M -
It's more convenient for him right now to place the blame on something else than to be forced to recognize that he needs to start making changes.

"He really is the most amazing person I've ever met. Everyone who meets him absolutely loves him. He is the most selfless, hard working, caring, loving man and I really am so lucky that he is my husband. Even with his baggage, he is a way better person than I could ever be. He is just golden."
It sounds like he has given you many reasons to adore and love him. Hang on to that!!

"I was always very gentle and understanding when talking about his addiction because I don't want to scare him into hiding things from me. It's not even the PA that hurts me most, it's the fact that I gave him SO many chances to come clean and he would lie to my face."
That's great that you approached it that way! 

I feel the same way...
I gave my H SO many chances to talk to me about it.
I have been patient, kind, nonchalant, aggressive, serious, joking around, accusatory (and rightly so!), pleading, begging, crying, stone-faced -
Any different approach or attempt that I could muster.
But none of my approaches did anything to encourage him to be honest about it- All he did was lie to my face.
For me, that's what is destroying my marriage.
Not so much the P addiction- it is the lies that come along with it. They have decimated everything I thought I knew and loved about my H.
The lies have ruined everything we had that I thought was sacred.

"...all evening he was texting me about how he's doing all these things and even left the house at one point to keep himself busy and distracted so he won't get into any trouble.. I figured it went well since he took all these precautions.........Confused, I asked him to explain and he completely broke down in man tears telling me he lied to me again and that he watched porn when I left the house the day before. How guilty and ashamed he feels and he wants to make changes and he knows how so that he won't be tempted and he won't run into things online that trigger him."
Oh Boy, do I understand your pain here!

It's very surreal to witness the lengths that someone with an addiction will go to conceal it.
The lies and fantastical stories seem to never end- and you want to believe them and they seem so believable!
Most grown men with PA have spent their lives perfecting the lies that allow them to hide their addiction (as I am sure you have already figured out!)

"And everything was his idea"
It's great to hear that he is coming up with his own ideas of what can help him overcome this.
This is a very good thing! Good for him!

With my H, his first idea to prove that he wasn't watching P was to give me access to a program called "manictime" on his laptop so that I could monitor if he was spending time on P sites. (He had not admitted to having an addiction yet at this time, he was still in the denying phase that he was watching porn at all - So this was just the very tiny beginning and tip of the iceberg of this agonizing, torturous journey...)

I had never heard of this program before.
He kept assuring me that I could have access to the program whenever I wanted and he would not be able to alter anything on it- It was automatic!

I told him "Sure ok, you can install on your laptop if you think it will help you control yourself... But I am NOT going to be monitoring ANYTHING. We can use it to verify that you are not lying about how much time you spend online doing this or that if you'd like, I am game with that. But I am NOT going to be monitoring what you do- You need to learn how to make your own decisions about what you do online and how much time you spend doing it. I can't and won't take on the role of 'mommy' or your gatekeeper. NOT happening."

That was Ok! He was all about it! He REALLY wanted to make sure that I could use this program to see what he was doing so I could verify that he wasn't lying to me.
He was not watching porn! And I wouldn't have to believe what he was saying- he could verify it with this program! This will show me everything!
He was so excited about giving me access to this program, and getting it all set up and everything for me to be able to login myself and all this stuff.
He was talking all this big game about how I'd be able to see he was not lying to me about watching P online and now I could verify it!
I instantly knew that something was up. It was so obvious to me by the way he was acting & how excited he was about it that he had an agenda.

I said, "Ok, that sounds great... sounds like a great first step in reassuring me that you aren't lying to me about what you are doing online," and went into the bedroom and got on my own laptop. I searched "deleting data from manictime", and sure enough, this pops up:
Delete data by time selection
1. First make a time selection over the parts of data you wish to delete. In ManicTime you select time by dragging on the timelines.
2. Right click on the selection and choose Delete.
3. Choose on which timeline you would like to delete the data.
Delete data by filter
1. Write a filter below to filter the data
2. Click on one of the results in bottom right part (details)
3. Type Ctrl-A to select all results
4. Right click on one result, then choose Delete.

(I think you get the point of this story without me having to elaborate anymore).

I have spent much time praying for God to lift the veil from my eyes and make sure that the truth about this is revealed in any way possible-
He has been very faithful in keeping me sharp and showing me truths over and over and over and over again.
IMO, it's very important to ask God to make the truth known to you so that you can arm yourself & protect yourself from further emotional abuse.

"I never thought I would be dealing with this as a wife but I'm taking on the storm and hoping for the best. Our baby will be here soon and I know he will be an amazing father. My fear is that my recovery time might push him back into it but I'm hoping it's just a fear and not another gut feeling..."
Good for you for staying strong and working to keep your family together! Continue hoping for the best and fighting the good fight!

I am sure your hubby will make the best dad ever! And it's such a blessing that you feel that security, trust and faith in him.

But don't ignore your gut feelings. You may find that they are usually 100% correct, especially if you are praying for the Lord to show you truths.
But don't put too much pressure on yourself obsessing about it. Much easier said than done, I know. Hang in there!

"Anyway, sorry for the huge essay for anyone/if anyone read through it all. I'm glad there's a safe place where I can even write out my feelings."
I am glad that you have found the forum! You are already helping so many other people just by sharing on here!

But yes, I really wish you wouldn't write such huge essays.... They are a bit long.

(I am JUST KIDDING!!!! I hope you can see that!! I am in the same boat and write long posts, as well. I recently seriously needed to have someone in the forum let me know that it was ok to write such long threads and posts- I was getting pretty self-conscious about it!)
Don't worry about it - Write as much as you want as often as you want!

"Addiction is such a terrifying thing. Unfortunately there is no possible way to force someone to care enough to change. That's the heartbreaking thing. I understand what you are saying about the divorce part... you can only deal with so much of it."
It IS heartbreaking!

I used to feel like one of the reasons H is doing these things is because he doesn't care how it affects me.
But the truth is, some husbands really DO care.
Some don't.
Some pretend to care, but they really don't care.
Some don't even bother pretending.

The important thing to know and understand is that what is driving his actions is the addiction, and not much else.
Don't ever blame yourself for what he does or assume that your husband acts out because he doesn't care about you.
For some wives, like me, that is hard to accept and believe. 

"I too, haven't shared anything with anyone besides on here in hopes of protecting our family. But it's hard to know which steps I'm supposed to take to help him and us. I never thought I would be in this position as a wife and I sure as hell didn't get a handbook on how I'm supposed to act, say and do... I've been thinking about grabbing some books actually. I'm sure that would help me understand."
I am so glad that you took the step in joining and utilizing the forum. 

I highly recommend Mike's book, The Wife's Heart.
He discusses just about everything that you seem to have questions about in it.
It's easy to read and very informative, and for a wife who is dealing with this and looking for a place to start, it's extremely helpful.

"He grabbed his phone one morning and broke this boundary and I got upset and he got upset and I spent my day crying and feeling pretty crappy that this is something i have to worry about and something so little can make me feel that uncomfortable and sets me off... it's hard to know when I can react with how I feel and when to hide my feelings so that he will be honest with me when he actually does slip up... everyday is a learning process, I guess."
I'm not saying that it will, but be prepared for these types of things to happen often while the both of you are on the path to recovery.

He needs to learn how to overcome his addiction, and you need to learn how to support him in doing that, also while holding him accountable, and also without sacrificing your mental or physical health in the process.
This is not an easy feat to master.

I empathize with you on spending the day crying and feeling crappy because of your H's actions and the ensuing drama.
Plain and simply, he has hurt you by not fulfilling his promise to you & respecting the boundaries you have mutually set forth.
Don't forget, he does this first and foremost because he is addicted. This will be a long road, but you will get better at it.

For me, I am just so sick of my husband's lies, that as soon as he starts telling a lie, my mouth starts doing the talking, not my brain.
I used to be patient, kind, gentle, caring, delicate about my husband's PA.
But there are only so many lies that a spouse can deal with before it beats all of those productive emotions down into submission.
Betrayal trauma PTSD from a spouse is very real and extremely confusing and painful.

I have told my husband a million times that as soon as he chooses to tell me a lie, he shouldn't expect the conversation to proceed properly.
I have told my PA H a million times that as soon as he tells a lie, the conversation we are having is pointless because it's no longer about resolving the issue.

When he tells lies, the conversation instantly turns into him working to deceive & manipulate, rather than to productively communicate and become victorious over his addiction. 

"My only thing was for him to not take his phone into the bathroom with him. He does sometimes but he will leave the door open or unlocked and throws it out into the hallway when he locks the door.. no, we never talked about consequences"
It is time for you to decide on an appropriate consequence when he breaks this boundary.

Over time, you will most likely have to put more boundaries in place with more consequences.
This is done to protect you and to hold your husband accountable for his actions & help him overcome his addiction.

My husband lied about EVERYTHING dealing with P ALL the time, so it was very difficult for me to create boundaries when he was always lying, sneaking around, and manipulating me.
So I have one boundary with one/two consequences:
He is not allowed to lie to me.
If he chooses to lie to me, then he needs to move out and I will also be considering divorce.
We have been married about a year and a half, and we have separated so many times... Even before we actually married....
He just can't stop lying to me. It's so disturbing, to say the LEAST  

"I've thought about it myself but I'm not sure what would be okay. Do you have any ideas? What do people usually do?"
What would make YOU feel ok?

What are the things that your husband does that exacerbates his P and M addiction?
Have you noticed certain things that make him act out? (again, don't forget the ADDICTION is actually driving his actions, though)

Not taking the phone with him into the bathroom sounds like a pretty smart an obvious boundary to start with, so that's great that you have set that already.
Now, you just have to figure an appropriate consequence.
Maybe someone on the forum here who has more experience in this than I do can give you some ideas and advice on that.

Keep our chin up and you head high, Beauty!
Your God's daughter and He is going to help you and your husband through this!
BELIEVE that!

I hope you have a good day today.
Take care of yourself - Find a way to pamper yourself today, even if it's just doing something small or for a short time. 
With all this going on, you deserve it.
Take care of yourself and your little miracle!!