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Post by ladystrong on Apr 26, 2017 15:57:54 GMT -7
Hi all, I figured I should update how I am doing since I've been posting on other people's threads. By the Lord's grace I am forgiving and trusting my husband little by little. It's often a 3+, 2- step process because of all the hiding and lying he did, plus the extra symptoms over the last two years. The only way I find peace and decide to take those steps forward is through knowing that he is in the Father's hands and that the Lord alone can convict him if he is doing anything out of line. After that, I know that he has other brothers he has to answer to if anything is out of line. He so needed brothers in his life who were willing to see him at his best and worst and now he has that. The fellowship he and I have found has been sweet.
I find that I am happiest when I have journaled out my feelings and then sit at the Lord's feet to be filled with His love. He speaks to me in those quiet moments when I am still enough to hear His voice. I have mountain top moments with Him and then other times I am like Elijah crying out to Him, exhausted from the weight of sadness and pain. It's a lot like what David went through in the Psalms: feelings of sadness and desperation and the beginning and then remembering God's goodness at the end. Such a rollercoaster on certain days. Overall, I'd say I'm doing a lot better than I was 4 months ago. There are less moments of lashing out at my husband, more peace with God and more trust in Him that He is good, has a purpose for all this suffering, and will bring me through to complete healing. After all, He allowed this so I trust that He will get me through this somehow.
We were going to counseling with our pastor every week over those four months but have decided to drop that down to once a month since we are both on the right path to healing together. I still go to my therapist two times a month, but even that will probably be dropped to once a month soon since there isn't always much more to talk about. My husband is absolutely broken over what he did and has been doing well in his own recovery process. He has been working really hard to win back my trust in many different ways. We have a stronger connection to each other because of this happening and are much more communicative of our thoughts and feelings. I know that he loved me then and he loves me even more now and that he is fighting for me as I go through the pain.
While my husband has done a complete 180, we both know that God is the only one who can heal me completely. The pain is always prevalent keeping me humbly submitted to His love, truth, and mercy. He's the only one who gives me the confidence to walk out each day and believe we are being healed, individually and as a couple. I used to struggle to keep God first and asked Him multiple times to help me break through the bondage. What can I say? He was faithful to answer my prayers as my hope now rests in God alone.
I am still working through forgiving the other woman. Sometimes I struggle with comparing myself to her but today God gently said to me, "Don't compare yourself to evil." I had to agree, to do that would be totally ridiculous. Letting go of all the ways she manipulated my husband and I after it happened has been a challenge. I have to keep reminding myself to not let evil reside in my thoughts because it doesn't help me heal or move forward. Of course, there are a ton of things I'd like to know about her but I am learning to continuously let God do His work and take care of her in whatever way He sees fit. Maybe one day I will thank her for this- not face to face, but in my heart, because this brought both my husband and I into a closer relationship with one another and with the Lord.
So that's my journey thus far. Not the life that expected when I married my husband but I know that God brought us together and will keep us together "'till death do us part". I am excited and apprehensive about the future. I know God can take this ash heap and turn it into a beautiful work for His glory.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 26, 2017 20:38:31 GMT -7
Your post is so amazing.. im so happy for you... May God bless you and your hubby! 😄😄 Love , hugs and prayers
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Post by ladystrong on May 1, 2017 14:43:35 GMT -7
Thanks, GHP. We appreciate the prayers and support. I'm still praying for you, too
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Post by ladystrong on May 13, 2017 0:01:29 GMT -7
This week has been especially hard with many triggers and lack of sleep because my second son has been having respiratory issues. Can't remember if I wrote this earlier, but on my birthday I actually SAW her at the grocery store. Thankfully I was already prepared with a plan to make a beeline out of the area. And, I felt like I passed a test: I didn't provoke her or cause her any harm; I didn't ask the store employees about her to confirm it was actually her; I didn't immediately text my husband or friends about what happened. Instead, I talked to God and called on Him to be my Protector and my Shield, my trustworthy God. It was very freeing to know He was in charge and taking care of me. It's almost like that was His present to me to show me that He's got my back, He won't let harm come my way, and He has heard and honors my prayers. Afterward, my friend pointed out that I don't have to be the one who hides or leaves if I encounter her because I've done nothing wrong. So now my thoughts are shifting from "victim" to "warrior" in that respect. Not that I'm going to get all gnarly with her. More like I know now that I can stand tall and not live in fear from the trauma she and my husband caused in my life. I'm still finding my footing but it has given me more freedom to live without the worry of seeing her around town. I'm still very angry at my husband. This week I felt so much pain that multiple times I've said to God, "I can't do this. I want to give up." Though I know God wants us to stay together for His glory, it doesn't take away the pain and anger. I know He is healing me little by little. I just have these dips in my walk through this all. I know it's normal, so I've stopped beating myself up about not feeling 100% better after almost 5 months. I guess I'm finding it hard at times to "rejoice and be exceedingly glad" through this trial. I also need to ask God what to learn from the memories I have that are good from our marriage. There's so much I don't understand about my husband's choice to do this. But God did reveal something to me that I will write later. I still wrestle with the Lord over it all- just call me Israel, lol! I'm glad that God is so gentle and understanding. Ok, time for bed.
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Post by Deleted on May 13, 2017 8:41:10 GMT -7
Lady my prayers and love go out to you. I am glad you are going to our Father more and leaning on Him to get you through the tough times. That is tremendous progress! I know you don't see it so what I suggest is that you go back to your first posts and read them. You have come a long way since then hon.
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Post by ladystrong on May 25, 2017 16:35:05 GMT -7
This weekend I went to our church's women's retreat with a friend. Although I didn't get to spend much one on one time with God, I came back feeling so much lighter than before. While there I had such a great time with my friend that I almost totally forgot about the trial I've been going through for the last two years plus the last five months. I got a taste of what it feels like to be free of all the negative feelings and thoughts in my head over what happened. I've tasted and seen that the Lord is good! I never thought I'd have to go through the junk I went through but I held on to the hope that I could somehow get closer to the other side. Not ruminating on the details and the pain of the past was so wonderful. I felt true freedom!
What was really helpful was to see that others are currently struggling with other issues but are stuck. I see them in so much pain. I hate being in pain, I hate seeing others in pain. But, it's so much more worse when people isolate themselves and aren't really setting aside time with the Lord to build themselves up. And then they get stuck in the hamster wheel of pain. I am glad I am transitioning out of that now.
It was also so good to be around someone who was not depressed, was honest about daily life, and with whom I could be silly around. I laughed so much during that retreat. I had been needing a friend like that for so long and the Lord provided at the right time. I am so thankful that he brought my friend into my life at my lowest point.
Anyway, I still have tough moments but am so glad that we are at a point where we are working together as a team. I still feel pain but I'm much quicker at capturing my thoughts and giving them to God. I know more and more that this did not happen because of me. My husband made a choice, his own choice. He made a huge mistake that is now redeemed through the cross. We still have a lot to work on together but I'm so glad that we are where we're at now instead of the junkie place we were two or three years ago. The trust bank is being rebuilt. If this is what 5 months out looks like, I can't wait to see where we will be at in a year!
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Post by ladystrong on May 31, 2017 20:34:16 GMT -7
Hi friends, I'm going to take a break from being here for awhile, mostly because I am finding that I get triggered more through reading people's experiences. It just brings me back to the past and I get stuck for a time. I'm just not healed enough at this point. I want to move forward not backwards. You all will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers, my heart and spirit is with you in the fight. Don't give up on God, He is the only Faithful One we have in this world. You're not alone.
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
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Post by Deleted on Jun 1, 2017 6:42:52 GMT -7
Prayers to you and your husband... you will be missed. I feel everyone's struggle to.. so i understand. I hope i never caused you any grief.. it was most definitely unintentional..Sorry! ((Hugs)) ((Hugs)) ((Hugs)) ((Hugs)) Take care of yourself... 😄😄😄
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Post by Deleted on Jun 1, 2017 9:26:05 GMT -7
Lady, I understand. I do hope that you will return when you are more healed. Your wisdom, advice and support were much appreciated and needed. Hugs to you my friend.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2017 5:55:03 GMT -7
I understand completely what Lady said, although I hope she'll be back with us when she's ready. I wrote the following to my husband.
Even though I have forgiven you, it doesn't mean I'm not still deeply hurt. That's what's so infuriating. People act like since I've forgiven you I should just move on and get over it. I've stopped holding it against you. I'm still with you, going to counseling with you, buying a home with you, and looking for ways to have a future with you. But it's like that recording Pastor --------- played in church with the victims' families in that shooting in the southern Baptist church where one lady said "Every fiber in my body hurts and I will never be the same. But I forgive you."
Pastor ---------- said those people really know what forgiveness is. I think so too. I'm just still really hurting. Pastor ---------- once asked me why I'm not exercising my "out" of this marriage, because I have a legal out. I told him it's because I forgive you. I chose to marry you and I want to stay your wife.
I got so angry with our counselor yesterday because she's really minimizing what happened and my pain that resulted from it. I'm not ready to go through life thinking we'll always be married. We have to build more trust first.
For now, the best way you can help me is to be patient with me and sweet with me. Let me grieve for what's happened and what I've lost. Don't judge me for it or rush me through it. Just let me be sad and be there to comfort me. Give me your love because I still want it.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2017 6:28:52 GMT -7
Prayers to you and your husband... you will be missed. I feel everyone's struggle to.. so i understand. I hope i never caused you any grief.. it was most definitely unintentional..Sorry! ((Hugs)) ((Hugs)) ((Hugs)) ((Hugs)) Take care of yourself... 😄😄😄 I know what you mean. At times I have read a post or blog and will project thoes things into my own situation and begin to worry more. Yes, it can be a trigger. I'm getting much better at this though.
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Post by ladystrong on Jun 19, 2017 11:13:27 GMT -7
Dear friends, don't ever blame yourself for triggering me. It's not your fault. I just know where my weaknesses are now and that I need to be more careful with what I read.
Father's Day marked 6 months since we started anew with our marriage. My husband felt like it was a special date for him, one that God especially gave to him to mark change and hope for our future. Our pastor taught about the Prodigal Son and it hit home for both of us in him being the prodigal and then me being the elder brother. It was humbling and gave me a fresh perspective on forgiveness. I'm just getting a taste of what it feels like to truly forgive someone, to truly let the other person go to God. It is FREEING! It's a freedom that I don't think I've ever really experienced. It opens me up to allow joy into my life and closes the door to anger, resentment or bitterness.
God has been lifting off the burden of thinking that any of this was about me. I have revisited "Every Heart Restored" and I can see more clearly now than I did before that my husband's sin was never about me. It's about years of hurt from the family he grew up in, the churches that he has been apart of, and the lack of fatherly direction and approval that he really needed. So now, I can take the role of helpmate, being kind and understanding with his wounds and being sharp as an iron when he's straying. And I don't need to do this alone, I've got other men who can speak into his life as well if he's ever amiss. I can go to them to ask them to appeal to him if he strays in some way.
So, right now, on a scale of 0-10 with his changes, I'd put him at a 9. Trust wise, I'm at a 3, even though I haven't seen any relapses on his part. He knows it's a long hard road. I still feel pain but it's not as intense most of the time because I understand him more. Our old communication habits are being changed as well through our pastor's help. I've learned to listen more closely as he speaks instead of interrupting him. In turn, he has gotten more comfortable opening up to me when I listen and gently challenge him. This has brought us closer to each other.
When I take a step back, I'm actually thankful that this other woman was psychotic because it scared him out of his blindness. I'm thankful that my prayers were answered, even though they weren't answered in the way I would have preferred! I'm glad that he confessed and told me the truth of his torment and totally repented. I'm thankful that he is unpacking his past to understand himself. I'm thankful that God was faithful and still remains faithful. I'm thankful that this all came to a head and that we can move forward in our marriage. I'm thankful that we have a deep peace in our home and we are finally more unified in our decisions.
My anxiety has gone way down. Even though I still battle against mild depression I know I won't be stuck in it forever.
That's my story at this point. We still have a ways to go before I fully trust him again but I know we're headed in the right direction. I still think of you all and feel for everyone here who is fighting the battle.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2017 13:31:47 GMT -7
So happy to hear things are doing so well for you and your hubby... Gives me hope! Hugs, prayers..
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Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2017 14:32:30 GMT -7
Lady I am so glad you checked in! I have been wondering how you were doing. It's never easy to change and to change as a couple is even more difficult. I am happy that you are both making progress and working at making a stronger bond.
Hugs, love and prayers hon
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Post by ladystrong on Jul 16, 2017 22:40:48 GMT -7
Recently God revealed to me sins I had done in the past that I didn't even recognize until now. I have confessed these sins to my husband. Here is what He has revealed so far: - Idolatry of my husband and treating him like a "trophy husband" - Believing the lie of having a fairytale marriage because of my family's dysfunctional past and present - Desire to always be right, aka pride - Comparing myself to other women, which started at a very young age - Unforgiveness towards my husband from little things he has said or done in the past - Unforgiveness towards others - Speaking down to my husband - Envious of others whom I think don't deserve blessings; wanting them to not be blessed - Desiring attention from men/boys, which also started at a very young age - Emotional adultery
Even though my husband's sin has caused me much pain, it has also brought both of our issues to the surface. And we're both open to figuring this out together. I can see that God can use this to bring HIS glory, not my own. I know that He loves me so much He doesn't want me to stay in the stagnancy and lies that I was living in. He wants me to change and grow up, not stay childish and naive. It's an evil world out there and I can see it and handle being in it a little better now, whereas before I would just run and hide.
I am more open to forgiving the other woman now because I don't want anger, bitterness, or revenge to rule my life. It allows no room for me to truly live and walk in LOVE. I know what it's like to walk in the freedom of letting go of someone to God and I want more of that in my life. I want to keep living out forgiveness in my everyday life. It's something that I need a lot of practice in. And God has forgiven me so much, so I need to extend that forgiveness to others, no matter what sin they've done against me.
I'm getting closer to forgiving my husband now. I understand him more than I did before since he's being honest with me about his struggles. And I know that I have many if the same struggles as him, I've just never taken them to the extent that he did. Im seeing and understanding that we all have the potential to commit adultery, especially when we feel far from God. I might say that I'd never do it, but if I were spiritually vulnerable and in a bad situation, I could very well do it. That would be me without God going carnal like he did.
I'm also feeling a lot less ashamed about it all because I know that God will use this for our good. He can take that ash heap and make something new and more beautiful than before for us. I'm getting closer to being ok with my husband sharing his journey to the men in the men's group that he attends. If his story can help just one man in his group, then it's worth it.
Ok, that's all for now. I need to rest!
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