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Post by ladystrong on Feb 26, 2017 16:11:52 GMT -7
Last night's concert went really well! We had fun and I wasn't thinking about our situation half the time. It's been kind of strange not feeling the heaviness since Thursday. There are still moments of sadness but they don't grip me as much. Sometimes I fear that I will lose my closeness to God because "the cloud" is lifting. I know I'm not in denial though. It's just this different awareness of what happened but the pain (at least for these last four days) has been fading. I laugh more with my husband. It's like I finally realize that the most important thing right now is to rebuild our marriage with God as our healer, leader and protector. God said to me "Let me write your story" and that's what I intend to do. I don't want to go back to the old marriage. I'd rather go thru this pain knowing that a more fruitful marriage can be born rather than continue to live in a fake mediocre marriage. Kind of wish it could have just stopped at porn, but with the affair, there's nothing to prove or be proud of anymore. God has us at rock bottom.
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Post by ladystrong on Feb 27, 2017 20:36:54 GMT -7
Today was a heavy day until I was able to cry a bit. I just can't believe he did this. There isn't any excuse. He totally compartmentalized us and thought that he was strong enough to resist temptation. The month leading up to this is equally deplorable He is showing that he has learned his lesson but of course I still have reservations. I know this is normal. I told my husband that part of me wants to call this other woman up and say, "Hey, you can prove to me that you are sorry by paying for all my therapy sessions as well as the babysitters that we need to hire for our counseling sessions. Plus you can pay for all of our babysitters for all of our date nights. Thanks, we'll leave the bill for you every single time." Terrible, huh? No way I would contact her though. Just processing through all of this crud by joking around a bit I was asking God why this happened (I always do). What I got was "So that other people have hope. So that other people will hear the gospel." Plus I am finding that I am more of the older brother type than the prodigal son, or the self-righteous person at the front of the temple rather than the sinner at the back. God has really broken down my pride through this.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 27, 2017 21:49:05 GMT -7
It comes at you like a wave from a tsunamis or something... you feel fine one day and then the next your not even sure you wanna make it threw the day you feel so sad and heavy. Pain just rips threw you while you try desperately to sew the wound shut! I know how you feel...
My husband had an affair in our 5th year of marriage. That was 22 years ago. Even though it was horrible. We grew alot and i learned alot about who i was and we came out better in the end for a very long time... then the porn.. well honestly the porn was always their.. just didnt know it!
I didn't think i would ever get over the affair or be happy again... and i did get over it and i was eventually happy again. Just hang in their.. keep focused on you and what you need. Take the tome you need to heal and your relationship with god and god will do the rest.
Hugs, love and prayers...
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Post by ladystrong on Feb 28, 2017 22:39:10 GMT -7
Today was an okay day, though it started off with me being angry with my husband over the affair. Amazingly I waited for the right timing and was able to speak respectfully without cussing. I was still mad during the morning but by the afternoon I felt better. Went to couples counseling with our pastor and that was helpful. He always has an encouraging word to share with us. Then a quick date to the Thai restaurant. It was nice. The trust bank is being built back one coin at a time.
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Post by ladystrong on Mar 1, 2017 14:47:49 GMT -7
Ugh, every time I pass by a strip of buildings in our small down town I am reminded of the sin that started there and continued to develop until it was too late. I'm reminded of my husband's lies, his weaknesses, his sin. Will I ever be healed? I just ranted at him, feeling like I'll never be able to fully trust him. Wish we could move to another place, then at least I wouldn't have to see those places often.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2017 19:37:42 GMT -7
Forgiveness sucks. It's hard to let go and it doesn't help when we have reminders popping up. Are there any good memories you can associate with those buildings? I think what you may have to do is turn your mind forcefully from the bad memories and having a good memory to concentrate on would help.
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Post by ladystrong on Mar 2, 2017 7:11:44 GMT -7
I'm definitely not there yet. There aren't any good memories because she was at almost every one of those places before, during, and after. On another note, I'm going to take a break from posting. I'll be back when I'm more healed
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Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2017 7:37:59 GMT -7
I can understand your wanting to take a break. You will be missed. Hugs.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2017 21:10:44 GMT -7
I don't know about penning a letter to the woman.... I am still forgiving myself. I am currently letting go of my failures and forgiving myself for basically ( this is crazy thinking ) being human! Ha! Because of my humanity I have judged my husband, judged myself, hurt my husband and hurt myself, I have been easy to anger and held bitterness and also thrown temper fits. I have let life opportunities go by the wayside due to my selfishness and grief. I have gossiped about my marriage to a couple close girlfriends and many times just thrown in the towel and felt sorry for myself. It's been better to begin to really stop and be aware of what's really going on here. First once sexual sin is invited into and comes into the home it infiltrates family members ( husband's , wives and children the most ) and seeks to destroy I found myself changing for the worse and honestly did not even really know why at first.... then I tried to fix myself not really knowing what to fix.... It was not until I understood sexual sin and how it operates it operates very different than other sin does. It gets in a person like none other sin does. Satan LOVES SEXUAL SIN! I learned that I was not respondsable for not knowing ....I was insane ..... I am/was responsible for seeking answers from God as to learning and knowing why and what was / is happening and now it's in the light .... I am in the process of doing what it takes with God to restore sanity to me through Him. All I have to do is forgive myself because once that happens forgiveness with others can happen. It makes sense to forgive myself because I was insane and now I am being restored to sanity on a higher level. I went through lots of years slowly going insane and it will take awhile to get better .... lots to be grateful for..... I survived .... I have dependence on God more each day Before I was so Hungary seeking God and feeling empty. I kept seeking.... Now I am still hungery for him and am being fed and want more cause it is satisfying me. I believe God uses opportunities to strengthen us in him. I can live now. This is an opportunity to grow. If it feels good to write a letter to "her" do it! Say whatever you want to say! Then put it in a drawer and write on it again as things come to mind! And put it back in the drawer. Give it to a counselor or priest so they can read it. It just feels good to know someone cares about how you feel when you write it down . The other woman really may not care how you feel ..... give the letter to someone you trust! Otherwise be prepared for the possibility of it getting twisted up into something else if it goes into the wrong hands and somehow being used against you .... mainly forgive yourself though. That's usually at least for myself .... is the toughest thing of all to do and its going to be the largest gift of love I have ever given to myself.,.. I have already had small tastes of it!
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Post by Deleted on Mar 9, 2017 7:17:33 GMT -7
The process of writing is very cathartic to some. I would suggest if you don't want it read by anyone else to burn it as ladystrong did. Burning it is also cathartic. Journaling helps to put what you are thinking and feeling out there so it can be dealt with and burning it is symbolic for letting it go and offering it up to God. I have done both in the past.
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Post by ladystrong on Mar 10, 2017 17:24:24 GMT -7
I'm not sure there's a need to forgive myself. As I understand it, forgiveness for others can only flow from first allowing God to forgive us and believing God forgives us, knowing that we are sinners, like everyone else. I've already got forgiveness from the Lord for not putting Him absolutely first in my marriage. There's no need for me to beat myself up over this. I had asked God many times to help me with this fault and He answered me a week before the affair was disclosed. I warned my husband of his outward problems multiple times before his affair. I stood up to his problems multiple times after the affair (and before I was made aware) before we came to this point of his confession. He wouldn't listen and wasn't convicted until I was ready to leave with the kids after I saw his IG account had several porn links. This isn't about forgiving myself. It's about forgiving him and her. I'm just glad she's not in the same town anymore. Now it's getting her image and the video tapes out of my head. I need to CHANGE thru His workings. There was nothing I could have done to stop him (I tried to in different ways) because he wasn't CONVICTED by the Lord to stop. Sure, there were times we were not connecting and I need to change that part but I feel like forgiving myself is futile. I was NOT in denial this whole time, I was asking for help from a couple of close friends, not gossiping about my marriage. I knew something was wrong but didn't know the core reason until this past December. It might be helpful to read all of my posts on my thread to get a better idea of where I am at. I have written multiple letters and burned them. I don't plan on sharing them with anyone except my husband, after which they will be burned.
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teetop
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Post by teetop on Mar 20, 2017 6:42:51 GMT -7
Wow, Goldie, I was fascinated by your sharing for some reason. So I decided to try and follow through your postings. And to do that I first loaded each share into a page starting from the first to the last in chronological order. This way I was able to increase the font size so I could read it easier for my tired eyes. I think the first thing that caught my eye was you were only responding to others writings. A unique way to share your story without giving a straight bio of your problems. I like it as it gives support to others and at the same time introducing yourself.
Now as to why I decided to respond to this posting was the 'forgiveness of self' that caught my eye. Nowhere in scripture can I find such a concept. Forgiveness of others; absolute. In fact, it is commanded (Matt 6:14-15 following the Lord's Prayer)
What I do find though is to humble ourselves and seek mercy in repentance. And the closest scriptures I can draw upon are from David's Psalm 51. Or the parable Jesus shared with us about the Publican and the pharisee; Luke 18:9-14
I belong to AA and have been sober for a number of years and in my walk of sobriety I've met several women who have been plagued with forgiveness problems stemming from their child hood sexual abuse by family members. Their struggle with sobriety always seemed to be on rocky ground, until they found out that forgiveness of their abusers opened the door to recovery.
I pray you will keep reaching out in support of others as I think you have a gift. Virgil
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Post by ladystrong on Mar 20, 2017 10:24:21 GMT -7
Teetop thank you for saying all that you said so graciously. I agree with you about not seeing it in scripture to have to "forgive yourself". I have heard so many women say this over and over again in bible studies that I have to wonder where they are getting this from.
Goldie, in all respect, please write out your story on a separate thread instead of responding to my thread with your story. It's crossing my boundary and makes me feel unsafe to share here. I feel like you are finding everyone else's story and feel the need to respond in some way, even if their post was 5 years ago. I agree that you have a gift of sharing truth. But I have never seen an actual bio or intro to your life and situation on your own thread, which makes me have to search thru other responses to piece together your story.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2017 21:50:35 GMT -7
I say forgive myself because I myself have "acted out". Not sexually with others or in porn rather by throwing temper tantrums and by yelling and screaming and just absolutely going nuts at times directly towards my husband. I realize I am totally forgiven by God through his son. I myself am the one who tends to be extra hard on myself. I know acting out in anger is part of human behavior. However no matter what my husband chooses to do I myself have to realize this does not give me the right to unleash whatever onto him. I do not need to hit other people over the head with my anger / bitterness and fear. In my veiw this is not fair. Two wrongs do not make a right. That's why I say I have to remind myself to forgive myself for acting out in anger or rage when I find lies and other things with my husband. I tend to be the hardest on myself. I say to my own self be true. I am not being true to myself when I act out in anger in reaction to my husband acting out sexually. It's not the true me who is yelling and screaming it's not the real me when I am going nuts. It's the insanity of the sexual addiction. I just usually feel like I am acting out to ease my husband's guilt. I have enabled him. That is not the true me. I am playing a role. A role I no longer wish to play It's totally acceptable to experience anger.... however I am now learning better healthier ways of dealing with it rather than trying to harm my husband with my anger. I am just hard on myself a lot and thank God I have Him to comfort me and be a safe place of shelter for me. He loves me unconditionally and he does forgive me. I just hold myself up to unrealistic exoections sometimes and this is not good! Ha! I am getting better though just be realizing this is a big step!
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2017 22:31:25 GMT -7
I am writing forgiveness letters... you guys got me to thinking about it and then i went to church and they really touched on forgiveness so... here i go! The one to the man that molested me and one to my husband will definitely be the longest... i am just glad to finally put it in words... i bet it will be very helpful for my heart and soul and all the weight of my pain that i carry around.. Boy is it Heavy! In the end my hopes is to be as respectful and loving to my husband as i can be... i do love him... all this have just hurt me so much... Thanks guys for getting me to thinking...
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