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Post by Deleted on Feb 22, 2017 13:23:38 GMT -7
Hugs, GHP! Prayers too!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 22, 2017 14:43:14 GMT -7
I need to ask everyone a question.. my husband says he is doing better.. not looking at anything but sports illustrated swimsuit site... no hard core stuff! So at night when he goes to sleep because he did most of his dirt behind the curtain at night with me driving... i get real bad anxiety when he closes the curtsin with his phone... so we have been doing the workbook but he refuses to do any hard stuff.. any of the writing parts.. but he says he is willing to read it... this hurt me.... So... i finally got up the nerve to do my part of the workbook and tell him that one of the things i need as an action plan is for when he closes the curtain to go to sleep would he please put his phone up here with me ...he has no need for it .. especially if he is not looming at P or MB .. this will help me so my anxiety doesnt go threw the roof... He can have it while he relaxes and all that... and its his choice.. im not trying to control him... its a simple yes or no answere but if its no... please give me an explanation as to why...
Am i wrong for asking this of him???
He had a fit... said i could do what i wanted... wouldnt give me a straight answer and refused to explain himself...
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Post by Deleted on Feb 22, 2017 14:46:35 GMT -7
I feel like i do all the giving all the bending... im sure he will act out now... great! I just wanna cry and i haven't cried in weeks... i hate this!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 22, 2017 15:42:13 GMT -7
No, you're not wrong. In fact, you're very, very right. I'm inclined to encourage you to hold your boundary just as you've said, but I know it's much easier said than done. Hugs and prayers, as always.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 22, 2017 19:19:31 GMT -7
Thanks kelly..that means alot that you think im not wrong! He always makes me ferl like im the bad one for even asking such a question.. i thought i was loosing my mind.. like how can this be asking to much... i asked him ..why is it such a big deal... your not doing anything with your phone in your sleep so why does it matter... He said the same thing to me... i said well it matters to me because i have to wonder whats going on behind a curtain all night and it gives me anxiety.. i feel fear and nervousness... it can be stopped by simply sitting your phone up front with me.. once you go to bed! Since your not viewing P or MB... then their is no issue! He said he wasen't gonna explain it to me.. that i could do what ever i wanted and i made it clear.. that i want a yes or no answer... none of this unclear manipulation! He fussed at me and ssid FINE!!! YES!!! YOUR GONNA DO IT ANYWAYS! i said no... no one is holding a gun to your head its a choice stop making me the bad guy becsuse i asked you to do something for me... something i really need! He got pissed acted like i just took his best friend away! I swear sometimes i feel like his phone and his addiction are his wife and im the side chick!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 22, 2017 20:11:54 GMT -7
GHP, you did the right thing. Now I need to say something as an ex porn addict. Your hubby is still getting his fix with the sports illustrated site. You need to consider adding his not going to any site like that to your boundaries.
I had to give up even watching regular TV shows because of the soft core sex scenes. It takes very little to set off the addict. I still have issues with TV shows and I have to be careful of what I see or read.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 22, 2017 21:59:24 GMT -7
Thanks Amy... i have tried to tell him to not look at SI... but he does it anyways and he listens to billy madison radio station in the mornings also .. which is like howard stern... they talk about sex pretty much all the time... He see's it as an improvement but i dont.. i am thankful that he is not doing what he was before and i am thankful for any progress he makes no matter how small.. but then again how am i to really know the truth.. he doesn't have the P blocker anymore... im doing my best to take his word for it...and just let go! It feels like to me... things are fine.. if i dont push to hard, and dont ask questions.. he absolutely hates me to ask him a question! Its ridiculous! I only question him because he's not upfront with his stuff.. everything talked about i have to pull out of him... im tired of that! I know what mike's book says.. it feels like he's gonna keep pushing me until he leaves me NO CHOICE but to do the big D!!! Divorce! I never wanted this! And i have been bending as far as i can... but when i start to push him to fly right... he just fights me!He says im trying to control him and that his P addiction will be a problem forever! Im not trying to control him... i have ZERO control... i want him to bend because im worth it to him... because I FREAKING MATTER!!!!! He's not stiching up my wound or stapling it shut.. he's putting a tiny bandaid on a huge wound! Im gonna bleed out!! I see him! It just hurts! 30 year's of my life..UGH!!!. i know god uses bad things and makes them for the good.. i sure do hope i see what goods gonna come out of this soon... Until then i guess i will keep my head down and keep working on myself and praying.... waiting! Waiting till my H either makes this or breaks this!
Boy! The Devil tried to get me tonight but shewwwww... god was able to stop him before i got really angry or become a crying fool... i cried for about 2 min and god took it away... thank you jesus! Im sick of crying!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2017 5:10:12 GMT -7
I am so proud of you! Way to hold your ground! You're right. We can't control our husbands' addictions or behaviors. We CAN, however, decide what we are and are not willing to live with in the name of our own safety and sanity! This disease is so cunning. I totally agree with Amy about sports illustrated being just another way to get his fix. At times, I get so tired of fighting that I just want to give up. Funny thing is, every time I do, God steps in. Love and continued prayers.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2017 5:58:48 GMT -7
Thanks kelly.. I stayed in worship all evening till i was done driving.. i listened to Tye Tribbett... HE Turned it! That song and lots of others Tye sing speaks to me... Boy.. im glad i found his music at church this last weekend... if you get a chance listen to him on you tube or something.. i dont know how to post the video.. or i would do it!
With god we can do this kelly... we may not get over it but god will bring us threw it.. no matter if in the end we still have our marriages or not... i want gods will to be done! I want the life that brings me joy and peace. Although i had that once with my husband maybe god knows that as long as were hooked to our husbands wagon we cant heal or have peace especially if they truly dont repent!
Everybody stage of were their at in this journey is different.. i have been faced with forgiving, forgetting my H sin many many many times over the years... Only to stich my heart back up and jump back in with both feet and love him even though he is a broken man... but things have only gotten worse... were he used to feel bad for his behavior or cry, repent and beg for my forgiveness... now he just doesn't really seem to care and i have to be the one to beg him and i have done nothing wrong.... nothing! I have stayed committed to my vows and doing my best to honor my H for my whole life practically....
Its just strange to me now... giving all of who i am away and no one truly loving me for it!
But now i have a father and he loves me.. i am growing by the day now.. it's like im a toddler soaking up everything about god and the life i want... i can't wait to see what gods plans are for me... and who will be on my journey or stay in it with me.... jesus take the wheel!!!!
Love you sister... and check out that song.. HE TURNED IT!!!
((HUGS)) (( HUGS))
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2017 6:46:49 GMT -7
Hey chickie I found that song. Here it is.
Have you thought more about taking a little vacation? Oh hon I so hate to see you hurting. I wish I could pound some sense into your hubby but the only one that even has a chance of doing that is God. Hugs, love and prayers.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2017 7:25:17 GMT -7
OH BOY!!!! AMY....THANK YOU!!! I love this song!!!
He turned my mourning into dancing!!... he turned my sorrow in to joy!!!! HE TURNED IT!! (now im doing the happy feet dance) Lol.... 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
Yes.. i am trying to get some time scheduled with a good friend of mine..even if its just for a few days... we just dont get much time off in trucking! Still trying to get a plan to get off the rig at some point that wont financially break me... i think i wanna go to school.. i never even finished high school so im working on that as well.. like i said im a sponge right now .. a magnificent work in progress... but i find myself loving myself like i never have before.. and im getting stronger... thats a miracle in it self... because i was mighty low.. still working on the self esteem issue.. still not emotion eating or eating crap..that also is a miracle! Focusing less and less on my H by the day!
Somedays the Devil tries to get me down but i say OH NO YOU DONT!!! BACK UP BUSTER!! I'm choosing to be happy so be gone from me now!! I'm sleeping and waking up with more peace now! Thank you jesus... i am a person who has real real bad sleeping issues (oh whats it called .. my mind is drawing a blank) were your brain never ever turns off.. its enough to drive you bat s$#t crazy... but lately.. im out like a light! Woooohooooo!!! V.I.C.T.O.R.Y!!! gotta be excited for the small wins!!
Anyway... i pray all you ladies are safe in our fathers arms today.. god protect my sisters from the devils evil scheme to destroy their lives. Give them strength lord when their knees are weak and their hearts are bleeding out! Heal us all like only you can. Give them peace today and even joy.. lord turn our mourning into dancing... were listening... let your will be done! In Jesus name i pray AMEN!!!
Hugs ladies!!!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2017 7:33:36 GMT -7
Lol... my husband thought i lost my mind! I jumped up in our tiny traveling truck and danced away.. singing he turned it.. clapping my hands.... it was a sight... sat right back down like nothing had happened!!! Im cracking up!! Wish you ladies were here to have seen that.... Lol...!! 😋😋😋😋😍😍😍🙄🙄😚😚
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2017 13:21:19 GMT -7
Couldn't help it....The Carlton Happy Dance!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2017 16:04:53 GMT -7
Omgosh... i love it!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2017 18:09:05 GMT -7
You guys.. my husband spent 4 or 5 hours just today.. trolling the Internet.. were i cant see him.. but says he's not looking at P... he says be reading news and such... Would you guys believe him??
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