Support for men with SSA

Hi Peter and Alvader -

Welcome, both of you. I've been contacted by an increasing number of men with SSA issues this year; I think there are many more who struggle with this than the church would imagine. Thank you both for being honest with where you are.

There is abundant hope. God has been changing lives since the beginning of time and He is willing to change yours.

Every guy who I've seen who struggles with sex addiction, whether hetero or gay, has 3 things in common - they are isolated, they have father wound issues, and they haven't accepted God's grace.

The emptiness you described, Peter, is God hunger that you yearn to fill with His love but have used lust to fill in the past. Every time I acted out sexually I felt more empty, miserable, depressed and angry than before. Lust will never fill an empty heart.

The healing process begins when we come out of isolation on a consistent basis. If you don't have someone you can meet with at least once a week then perhaps this board can serve as a temporary lifeline. Let us hear how you're doing often with lust issues. Isolation = death when it comes to the battle. The best scenario is that the Lord provides one man, or a group of men who you could meet and pray with every week. I know well of your frustration with the church. The church has enough problems just talking openly about pornography, let alone helping those who struggle with homosexuality. However, the church has the answer, which is Jesus. The unfortunate reality is that most churches aren't equipped to deal with sexual sin.

Accountability is just the beginning. The wounds you talked about, Alvader, have to be resolved to find true freedom; God has to heal the broken heart. Often this means His Holy Spirit has to reveal the wounds that took place years ago. Journaling, prayer, and sharing what God is showing you with others is a part of this process.

What I see is that every man and woman who struggles with sex addiction has bought into 2 lies: God can't love me, and I can't be loved as I am. Basically, they believe they are a piece of junk, so they look for love in lust. Often their earthly father propogated this lie through abandonment, neglect and/or abuse.

Once these barriers to grace and healed and removed, the heart can then receive what it's been starved for - God's incredible love, grace and peace. 

The church plays into it a lot. I was at a men's advance this past weekend through my church and had the opportunity to sit down over pizza on the way home with 3 of the bigwigs of the church. I was amazed at the "homophobic" comments that were coming out of their mouths. The conversation was sparked by the fact that we were sharing the YMCA of the Rockies with a "Gay" chorale group.

Now mind you, this is a spirit filled, hopp'in mega church, that you would expect to be more compassionate towards this issue. They don't know my background. I shared with them that men who act out in this area are operating many times out of a father wound. It definitely changed the tone of the conversation.

A bit of background, I lived a homosexual life for many years until God set me free from it 14 years ago. Mine started with my brother molesting me when I was around 8 years old.  But before that, it really started with issues surrounding my relationship with my dad, or shall I say, lack of it.

I didn't come out of it knowing all about father wounds, etc. I left the lifestyle when I came to the end of myself realized that I couldn't go to heaven the way I was living. My desire for an eternity in heaven outweighed my desire to act out homosexually. For a long time, it was a teeth gritting battle with my flesh, but over the years, God has gently, but surely, shown me the root causes of it. It seems that the more I realized about the root of my struggle, the more the desires subsided.

Hope some of this helps.

Rob

Bye the way............I'm 40, single, and have fallen so many times sexually I have lost count. At the moment i am on my feet and doing okay - so the advise above is borne out of experience not from a book!

Hey Everyone,

I'm sitting here at work by myself on a Saturday morning. Normally I would be tempted to surf porn. Instead I'm here surfing the forum. Praise God! I try to attend Mike's group every Monday night and I thought it might be nice for you guys who are struggling with SSA to hear from a person that attends that does not struggle with SSA.

First let me say "thanks" to Mike. His group is incredible. I've been to two others here in Colorado Springs and by far I have found Mike's group the most effective. I have not masturbated or surfed porn in about two months now. I have struggled with this issue for years. After attending Mike's group I have been able to really grow in my relationship with my wife and the Lord.

As I said before I do not struggle with SSA. However, I can sympathize with those of you who are concerned about rejection from other members of the group. I grew up as a competitive figure skater. Everyone assumed I was gay even though I have no attraction to men. I have had men question me directly on this. I understand the persecution that sometimes happens.


You won't get it from me. Knowing the pain this is causing you guys I can offer a unique relationship. Someone who can understand a little of what you are going through and yet I simply am not tempted by SSA. I encourage you to come to the group and learn to walk in God's grace as Mike talked about. It's a lot harder than it sounds.

We do have a transparent accountability aspect to the group. As Mike talks about, isolation=death. The way to avoid that is transparency. There is actually tremendous power in this and it gets easier over time. There is no condemnation in this group. Are we challenged sometimes? Yes, but in a very gentle way. It feels more like encouragement.

I still struggle with lust. I let my thoughts get away from me. However, not acting out is a huge step for me. The group is a huge part of that.

 
IN HOC SIGNO VINCES

Mike, what is this isolation that you are talking about?  Isolation from God? Other christians? I'm 25 years old and have been dealing with being different all of my life.  It wasn't until, I was a teenage that i associated it with being gay.  I tried various times to break free from that and prayed that God would take it away.  It hasn't worked yet.  I'm not quite sure if it's healthy to have these thought, but i recently have stopped asking God to take it away things from me, and started asking him to guide me in the right direction and do what is best for me, i haven't stopped having homosexual thoughts but i have stopped having guilty suicidal thoughts. Also, I've stopped blaming Satan for everything. If i have sexual thoughts or look at porn, i don't place blame on the Enemy, i put it on me and my being human. It has relieved  a bit of the internal struggle and suicidal thoughts...I still want to know about this isolation though...what is it that you are saying that we are isolating ourselves from?