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May 18, 2016 11:26:11 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2016 11:26:11 GMT -7
I never thought I would need a forum like this, but after reading a lot of the posts here, I am grateful to have found this group of people. It's seems like a very open, accepting and honest place, which is what I need right now. I'll try to keep my story short. My husband and I have been married almost 3 years and together almost 4, with a 2 month old baby. Porn had always been a deal breaker with me, due to watching my parents struggle with it in their own marriage for over a decade. Our relationship was fine except for the area of sex. I felt something was off but couldn't put my finger on it. He seemed very uninterested in it pretty quick and totally controlled the fregency. Even on our honeymoon. You shouldn't cry on your honeymoon cause your husband doesnt want sex. About a year in, after yet another confrontation about the subject he finally admitted he had been addicted to porn since he was 18, so for about 8 years at the time. I feel relieved at first cause then I knew I wasn't imagining things. He also confessed that his sister accused him of raping her, just for attention, in highschool but the police had nothing to go on so it was dropped. Knowing his family dynamic, I do believe she did it for attention. He also said that the first girl he had sex with also said he raped her. Which seems like a major red flag to me, but I'm afraid to push this issue...if she lied as well i dont want to hurt him by sounding like I'm accusing him. Over the next few days we talked a lot abd I felt like we could move on. So we did. There was one slip up that caused another fight but we resolved that quickly as well. I see know that I was so hurt I didn't/couldn't deal with it at the time so I just shoved it down, I didnt want to be my parents. Things were pretty good, other than the fact he still controlled the fregency of our sex life, until the last few months of this pregnancy. I started to panic that since we wouldn't be able to have sex for a few weeks after she was born, he would go back to porn. Then all the anger and hurt that I had been pushing down came gushing out and I was forced to deal with it. I finally broke down and told him how bad he hurt me and how our entire marriage had been built on a lie (i had asked before we married if he looked at porn and he aaid no) and needed his reassurance he wouldn't go back to it. He promised he wouldn't. Then a few days later I found a video he had watched on facebook, it wasnt porn, but it also wasn't something someone with a history of addiction should have watched. Then I was furious. Our baby was due in a few weeks and I felt like I was married to a stranger. After I got madder than I ever had before I finally started to feel like he was beginning to understand how much he hurt me. So I felt like I was at least being heard. Then about two weeks ago we got into another argument because he has never really let/wanted me to do anything sexual to him when I am unable to actually have sex, due to pregnancy, etc. Which has always hurt me, I love him and want to express that to him. But he then does it to himself, when Im home, which hurts even more. He's turned me down so much during our relationship that it takes so much for me to even offer. He also confessed that when he worked as a youth leader (we met in church), he would get so turned on by the young girls, he said 17 to 18 yrs, he'd have to "release the pressure" before youth group so he could focus...also a red flag to me. I havent pressed this issue yet, cause I'm afraid. He thought everything was fine between us for this argument caught him off guard. He asked what it was I really wanted so I thought about it the next day and wrote it down for him. And he's taken a lot of it to heart and seems to be really trying. But one of the things I want is for him to do some research on the effects of porn. And he hasn't. So I'm conflicted, part of the time I appreciate his willingness to talk about it and answer all my questions, and I love how much of a wonderful father he really is, and how he treats me in every other aspect of our relationship. And the other half I'm still furious and hurt and disgusted and ashamed. I should have known better and I don't want to be my parents. (They are still married, it just took over a decade for them to be ok.) I am also frustrated cause after each argument I ask if this is it or is there something else I need to know? He always says no this is it, then during the next argument something else comes up...I don't know what to do. I guess I'm just looking for validation and to know I'm not alone...sorry this is so long.
Thanks in advance.
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May 18, 2016 19:50:24 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2016 19:50:24 GMT -7
Hi Kimber, I am so sorry that you are going through this struggle. I know you are feeling an enormous array of emotions right now, not to mention having the core of your life rocked off its foundation. Finding out about this type betrayal is the most devastating experience that a woman can have, so understand that the conflict you feel is normal. The fact that you are only a couple of months from giving birth means your hormones will only add fuel to the feelings. Having a child with the man you love should be a joyous event that brings you closer as a couple, so it breaks my heart that you are forced to deal with your husband's betrayal right now.
It is easy to bargain with ourselves, rationalize and avoid facing the problem head on, but it only delays the inevitable. I know you are reeling, but it will help if you are able to set boudaries with him about what you expect in your relationship. There are steps you can take that will protect you from further hurt, and make your husband accountable for what he must do. I also recommend that you purchase the book Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means. It helped me understand my husband, and the trauma that I was experiencing. Insist that porn blocking software be installed on computer and phones, Covenant Eyes is a great option. Tell him he MUST seek couseling and support group with accountability, no exceptions. Trust me when I say that he WILL NOT overcome this without help, and with much prayer from both of you. Until he has a true, sorrowful repentance toward God, he will not begin to take this problem seriously. This type of addiction is like no other, and must be faced from a spiritual perspective. We are here for you, to talk, vent and support you. You are NOT alone, God loves you and wants what is good for you, I am praying for you right now.
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May 19, 2016 19:13:36 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on May 19, 2016 19:13:36 GMT -7
Hi kimber. Welcome to BG. I wanted to reply earlier but life has been hetic the last couple of days. Hopefully I will have a calm weekend.
I agree with broken. Read up on this addiction/sin. Set up some boundaries. You are going to have to take the bull by the horns and do some hard things like setting boundaries and confronting him. It will not be pleasant. Sin does not like to be brought into the light. I would suggest getting yourself into counseling if you aren't already. You will need it.
We are here for you.
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May 20, 2016 9:11:09 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2016 9:11:09 GMT -7
Hi Kimber and welcome to the group. I wholeheartedly agree with Broken1969 and Amymine. Read up on sex addiction. The book Briken1969 mentioned is a really good one. Your husband needs counseling and support. Most men must hit rock bottom and feel the painful consequences of their poor choices before they will actually seek help on their own. My own husband had to choose between divorce or intensive counseling when he was found out. It was a strong boundary but it helped get him moving into recovery though it was several years before real progress was made. You will need encouragement, guidance, and support yourself. I encourage you to find a counselor or support group specific to wives of sex addicts. I was blessed to find one about an hour away from me and participated in the support group for almost 3 years. The support was invaluable. Search for some in your area. Sometimes they are hard to find nearby. If you look under the helpful resources tab in this forum, there is a phone support group listed. A friend of mine participated in this and said it really helped her.
I also want to encourage you to seek out the truth. Find out what's really going on. Do your best to not turn a blind eye or rationalize away things that cause flags. Youve mentioned several red flags that are very concerning. Sex/porn addiction is progressive. Over the years it takes more and more to satisfy and can go from porn to acting out physically with others, via affairs, prostitutes, massage parlors, etc. it is hard to learn the truth, but you must find out the truth regardless of how hard it is so that you can protect your own health and be there for your new baby.
I will be praying for you as we all will.
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May 20, 2016 12:11:54 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on May 20, 2016 12:11:54 GMT -7
Thank you all for the encouragement and understanding! I am very grateful to find this group..and it really helps to be justified in my feelings. I will most definitely purchase that book. My husband and I have had two days of very intense conversations. He confessed that on top of being attracted to one of the young girls at yg, he "fantasized" to a pic of her late last year, she is legal now at least. The fact that this now involves a person I now know is a whole new betrayal and hurt. And the fact that he had it from me. We addressed the other red flags and I think I believe him, but it's something we will also tackle in therapy. He knows I'm serious this time about things changing. I told him therapy is non negotionable when we move back to our home state in about 6 weeks. We are no longer sleeping in the same bed and I removed my wedding rings because they represent something we never had. I told him I'm contemplating moving back to our home state, with our daughter, before him to give us space and that I'm not sure what is going to happen to us once we both are living there. He looked truly ashamed last night and finally admitted is was a seriously issue. He has been researching it and discovered his employer, which will be his employer when we move, offers a lot of help sex addiction counseling. I'm just at a loss of what to do with the stranger in our small apartment for the next 6 weeks. (Moving without him may not be an option due to finances) I don't want to even speak to him let alone live with him...
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May 28, 2016 6:26:51 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on May 28, 2016 6:26:51 GMT -7
Hi kimber, just wanting to know how you are doing. Been praying for you.
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May 29, 2016 16:14:49 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on May 29, 2016 16:14:49 GMT -7
Thank you so much, that really means a lot! I have been wanting to post but needed to sort my thoughts out a bit before doing so. After days of talking, and him confessing something new each day (he admitted to looking at Craigslist personals for the nude pix multiple times during our marriage , surfing Facebook looking for hot girls and visiting their pages in hopes of finding a revealing pic of them a few times a week and then sometimes fantasizing about it, and using Facebook and YouTube as a cheater) I do feel that I know everything now but now I don't know what to do. To me, the porn is one thing, fantasizing about a women we both know is another and visiting the cl personals in our city is another. There are so many layers. During our conversations, things came out about his past that would explain his draw to all this, and part of me does feel for him. I can tell he is trying. He has changed his route to work to avoid all the strip clubs and porn shops, changed his daily routine, started being more active and is involved in an online support group and program which he seems to be enjoying. I'm just afraid that this will be short-lived when push come to shove and things get difficult. I still haven't decided if I want to stay or leave yet. I guess I just don't know how I could ever trust him again or feel the way I used to. Just because there are reasons behind what he did, it doesn't undo everything he did and all the lies. At first when he confessed this, I felt very drawn to him physically...i dont know why..maybe it was because I finally felt like I would get what I wanted/needed from my husband cause he was actually listening to me. So I gave into it multiple times. But now that feeling has passed and I feel like I look like the bad guy when he reaches for my hand or hugs me and I cringe. I have never felt so conflicted about another person. Any advice on how to come to terms with everything? Thanks for listening.
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May 29, 2016 20:17:33 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on May 29, 2016 20:17:33 GMT -7
Your rollercoaster emotions are normal. I would very much encourage you to get into individual counseling with someone who is trained in dealing with addictions. They will be able to help you focus and make sense of all your emotions. They can also help you with setting boundaries.
My counselor has been a Godsend for me. She helped me deal with my emotions towards my ex, the loss of my child and now is helping me deal with an alcoholic brother that I live with.
The best advice I can give besides that is, pray. Lean on God.
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May 29, 2016 23:02:37 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on May 29, 2016 23:02:37 GMT -7
I would caution you to not believe that a few confessions are everything. A sex addict isn't going to tell the truth unless they are forced to. My boundary was intensive therapy with a full disclosure backed up by a polygraph. That's how I got the whole truth. And it was way more than I had been told previously. Way more than I ever imagined. It was the only way, because as an addict, my husband did not know how to tell the truth. He had to learn by starting fresh - getting it all out. As a wife who has been in your shoes, I would advise you to do some investigative work. Find out if the little he has told you holds true - or is there more. It's very important for your own health to find out if he has acted out physically with others or still continues to. Be wise in this area by looking at what he's been spending his money on - is there money that's unaccounted for? Text messages, phone records, a private investigator. Seek out the truth. You are not in the wrong for protecting yourself and shrinking from affection. He has wronged you.
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Jun 8, 2016 17:40:20 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Jun 8, 2016 17:40:20 GMT -7
Thank you both! I agree with both of you, therapy is a must and will start once we move out of state. I have, unfortunately, done a lot of research on the subject, due partly to my parents struggle with it. That's partly why I feel so stupid, I should have known the signs. I have investigated anything and everything I can and haven't found anything else. And to be honest, he isn't the best when it comes to computers in the regards to histories and cookies, etc. He confessed he didn't even know that Facebook had a watched video history after I found some of the lovely ones he had watched. No extra cash going out or hidden cards or weird charges. And I do, more than not, believe he him when he says he has never physically acted out. But this is all stuff that we will work on in therapy. Everything I have read tho, pretty much says that replapses are inevitable. It's been three weeks and I havent found anything on his phone (we don't have an actual computer just our phones.) I have noticed him started to ogle women's butts while we are out, which hurts. And once I pointed it out he has really started stopping and catching himself. I guess my question is, is it possible to not have relapses or am I just being too optimistic? I guess I don't know what a realistic expectation is for this situation....we have an accountability software installed on his phone..I have the passwords to all emails. He doesnt use any apps anymore like facebook,cl, youtube, etc. His work doesn't have free Internet access, only their work database type of Internet, so the only way he would slip is on his phone. He swears up and done he hasn't slipped and will tell me if he does. I don't want to be stupid...is it possible to quit cold turkey? I know he's telling the truth that he stopped looking at hardcore porn about a year ago and since then it's been cheater type of things. He admits that mb is the biggest issue for him, not the actual porn. And there's no way for me to know if he's telling the truth with that or not. Any suggestions?
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Jun 9, 2016 1:04:08 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2016 1:04:08 GMT -7
i think the getting turned on by people in real life isnt going to suddenly stop. I sincerely hope he has quit the youth group because its just wrong for him to be in that ministry given its a danger zone for his mind.
I dont want to worry you but the accountability is particularly flawed on phones. But then, with so much real life stimulation it may be true he doesnt 'need' internet porn.
I dont believe relapse is inevitable, because I believe if a man is truly, truly convicted , repentant, and released from any spiritual oppression, then he is free indeed. However, I believe that is incredibly rare. And often a point only reached after failing with 'whiteknuckling' for years, and after consequences of addiction getting increeasingly severe.
if your husband is ogling, but restraining himself, his heart has not yet changed, he is white knuckling.
The intimacy you experienced is called 'hysterical bonding' and although strange, is very normal. Its also normal to now feel completely repelled by the thought of sexual activity. The effect of discovering this kind of sexual betrayal is likened to the trauma of a rape victim. Basically, because you have been being intimate with a man you didnt know at all, who had deceived you to believe he was a good Godly man.
It will take a lot of work for your husband to overcome this. Repentance, conviction, wound healing, deliverance, therapy . if MB is the biggest problem , its an encouraging thing he admitted it, because thats something you would never discover hard evidence for.....so is he being honest? thats the million dollar question with a SA/PA.
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Jun 9, 2016 7:29:14 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2016 7:29:14 GMT -7
Quitting cold turkey? That is very rare but it can be done if they have true repentance and a miraculous deliverence. Most of us addicts have to learn the hard way because God wants us to grow and draw closer to Him. Plus those of us that are or have gone through the process are in a better position to help others in the same situation. God will use you to teach, edify, and pull along another person going through what you have gone through. It would be much easier if we weren't sinful and stubborn. LoL
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Post by Deleted on Jun 9, 2016 22:24:26 GMT -7
I wouldn't buy that he has just quit cold turkey. Sorry, but just being realistic here. I would be very concerned that it's admittedly gone from porn to "cheater" sites. Cheater sites lead to contact, contact leads to acting out sexually with someone. Additionally he has admitted to girls that he knows who he is fantasizing about. Those are big red flags that he may be acting out physically. They can hook up plenty without the Internet or using their own cell phone. Have their been any red flags of unaccounted for time? Working late a lot? Running mysterious errands that take a long time? These are other red flags.
As for relapse, my opinion is it's likely to happen. It's part of learning and growing in recovery. I was one who hoped and prayed that relapse would never happen - my husband was going to be different, because I wouldn't be able to bear it if he did. I clung to the progress and effort he made the first year. My faith was rocked when he relapsed about 1 1/2 years into recovery. It was devastating. More so than the initial discovery. However, (I realize this sounds nuts)- but it was also necessary. It brought him to the floor - made him realize he was powerless on his own. He couldn't control his addiction. Once the addiction cycle began - it had him - if the opportunity was there. My husband relapsed in a big way - acted out with a prostitute. Devastating does not begin to describe it. It was horrible, but God amazingly used it for good (as only He can).
There was a huge change in him afterward. He didn't hide what he had done - he immediately confessed to me, met with an accountability partner, actively participated in support group regularly. He was devastated as well that he was capable of relapse. God used that relapse to pulverize his pride and control issues. It was a catalyst that spurred him on in pursuing recovery and living for Christ. I tell you all of that to say - if your husband wholeheartedly pursues recovery, yes - he may relapse. Many - if not most - do. But, it doesn't have to be the end of hope. It might actually end up being the beginning of really learning how to walk in freedom. God uses ALL things for good - even horrible, sinful choices.
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Jun 10, 2016 6:20:55 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2016 6:20:55 GMT -7
I was the same hope22. I believed my husband would be the exception. Not only did he relapse, but he didnt confess either. Most of our 'recovery' he was actually still using, hiding behind his faith which he would use as evidence he had a clean heart. And he did seem to really change his whole character! Across all areas. I discovered what i thought were relapses at approx 6 months, 1 year, 18 months, 2 .5 years, 3.5 years...but only in january i found out that most of those werent even relapses, because he used pretty much continually. The deception just got better and better.
I wouldnt necessarily jump to the conclusion that Kimbers husband has acted out, but I''m not sure i would believe he stopped looking at hardcore porn a year ago. What accountability does he have on his phone? I only discovered my husband was using his phone because i had two different types of accountability software installed, and the reports were inconsistent with each other. If I had only had one installed i would never have found out that he had found a loophole.
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Jun 10, 2016 7:03:37 GMT -7
Post by Deleted on Jun 10, 2016 7:03:37 GMT -7
Loop holes are common and easy to find. Just takes a Google search for most or another addict to point it out. Ellekay was smart to install a couple different types of accountability software and then compare the reports.
I know for me I relapsed a lot that first year. Took a good year for me to be completely broken and for God to teach me how to forgive and love myself and how to lean on Him instead of the porn.
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