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Post by Deleted on Feb 2, 2016 21:17:46 GMT -7
I really need the support of others would understand what I'm going through. Since I discovered my husband has a problem with porn I haven't spoke to any close friends or family, partly because of shame and partly to protect his reputato on. My husband connected me with a friend of his wife, he husband also has a porn problem. It was somewhat helpful until she said well lots of the girls are fat any ways. Like that matters! I don't care what they look like the point is my husband is lusting over another woman.
My husband and I met in church and he was a virgin when we married. I held him in high esteem especially when it came to his commitment to wait until marriage. I was deviated when I discovered a video on his laptop. It was like everything I knew and thought about him was a lie. I felt as if he has slept with every woman he had looked at. And to make it worse it was the Kim Kardashian sex tape, she is everywhere I look, a constant reminder of what he was doing. Sonce he was cought he says he hasn't done it and will never do it again, but that hard to believe since now I know he has been looking at porn from a very, very young age. How can I believe he won't do it again? I feel like it's highly unlikely.
I feel uncomfortable now with my body, un loved, un sexy, we haven't has sex but one time in a year. I feel like I am now being compared to every other woman he has watched. I feel like we should be having great sex and learning things about each oth, but we have no sexual relationship. I feel of he ever was like oh let's try this my first thought is he would want to try it because he watched it on porn. I also find myself discussted with him and at times completely unattracted to him. I want to have a good healthy sexual relationship but I can't get these thoughts out of my head.
I keep asking why he looked at porn. I guess with out him telling me why I'll always feel insecure, he just says I don't know.
He won't open up and talk to me, about this or any problem, he just does not communicate and shuts me out.
The lack of trust I have now due to this has bled over into every other problem in our relationship and wity any problem he just ignores the problem and won't communicate.
I'm feeling hopeless and hurt. I don't want to get oit of my marriage, but this is daily mental torture and I know it's not healthy for me. Maybe talking here to others that can relate will help.
How have you moved on? How do you trust again? How do you have confidance in yourself again? How do you have a healthy sexual relationship again?
Reading posts on here I see many feel the same ways I have, what had helped you? Has anyones husband done things that make you feel better and loved, or is it all up to me only to make myself happy again?
I'm just so tired of this reoccurring pain and I'm sick of crying and being depressed. I just want to be happy again.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2016 10:08:20 GMT -7
to be honest to be brutally honest if he has looked at porn a long long time and is neither opening up, nor showing any active recovery, nor showing much sexual interest in you there is no reason to trust him as there is still a great big elephant in the room and i would be surprised if he has 'just stopped'
my husband did plenty to make me feel better and loved although unfortunately as i found out he was still using porn it didnt mean much that he loves me (i do believe he does)
confidence in yourself? it can start to return, but not easy while this isnt dealt with and while you are unable to talk this out with your husband. being unable to express your fears keeps you feeling pretty crazy.
have you looked up intimacy anorexia? shutting you out sexually and emotionally are symptoms of that.
he needs to face up to that he has a problem with porn, or at the very least that he has caused a huge problem due to the porn and now needs to learn to communicate about it whether he likes it or not
would he read any books or watch any videos about this? there are a lot of resources available to help a man understand the damage he has caused and why a wife needs to talk about it
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Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2016 12:31:45 GMT -7
Hi and welcome to our forums. I pray you find the support and encouragement you need here. I am always sad when a new member joins because I know what they are going through. I am glad however that you found us.
As Elle has said there are plenty of resources available to your husband and also to you. We have links to several on this site.
A red flag pops up in me when I hear that he isn't open or communicating and that there isn't any intimacy between you. One thing most men experience when dealing with this addiction is the need to confess and talk about it. It needs to be dragged into the light.
Yes I moved on...literally. I divorced my husband because he got violent with me when I confronted him. I am still working on gaining back my selfconfidence and trying to find joy, peace and contentment.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2016 14:20:52 GMT -7
Well when I cought him he said this was the first time he had looked in a long time and he just got bored one day so that's what he did....apparently he read a book, I don't remember the name and said that's when he realized it was wrong, but again he ended up doing it again. We put the xxxchurch thing on our pc and got weekly emails of any sites he visited, which none ever came up, but like I told him he has a phone and there are other ways and honestly I got sick of getting the weekly emails because it was just a reminder of what happened.
He says he is sorry and it won't happen anymore, but I don't know that that is likely if he hasn't identified the reason he looks at it. I mean, I'm bored is not the real root reason, something has to be going on deeper.
Initially I was the one who didn't want to have sex, how do you feel like having sex when you know what he has seen? I just can't stop my mind from thinking about it and if I'm being compared to others.
He admits it's a problem but just dosent do much or communicate with me. He thinks if he just says I'm beautiful that's supposed to make me feel better.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2016 7:31:30 GMT -7
Initially I was the one who didn't want to have sex, how do you feel like having sex when you know what he has seen? I just can't stop my mind from thinking about it and if I'm being compared to others. totally with you on this one! its pretty much impossible to feel sexually attracted to someone who, in your eyes , has just become a perverted, lecherous, sadistic monster over time i started to feel less compared, and like I knew that I, as the 'real thing' was better... But that took a long time. over time i understood that he did not necessarily like those things ....it disgusted him but that was part of the high and the self-harming almost . (But i dont know if i just tell myself that to feel better)
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2016 18:00:20 GMT -7
Hi Christa, Glad you reached out on this forum. From what you have said, it sounds like you are in a very difficult place right now. You have discovered your husbands secret, yet it doesn't sound like he's actively pursuing any type of help toward recovery. I would encourage you to read as many resources/books you can about sex addiction - the ones explaining it and the ones that are written for wives whose husbands struggle with it. I can (and likely many others here) offer some recommendations if you want them. Unfortunately, we live in a sex-saturated society where men viewing porn is generally seen as something normal that guys just do. Many women think it's no big deal as well. Most are unaware and unconcerned of the detrimental effect it has on the man, let alone his wife, children, etc. Porn use quickly becomes habitual and creates a self absorbed, angry, and critical spouse who is always living for the next fix. It's a progressive addiction that seeks more messed up, and deviant behaviors if it continues for years and years.
My husband was exposed to sexually explicit material as a young child, instantly became addicted, and it progressed thru his life to acting out sexually with prostitutes (discovered 5 years ago). That being said, there is hope; but your husband has to get to a point where he is sick of being a slave to it, aggressively seek help, make radical changes in his life while pursuing recovery. Addictive behaviors are not something a person can just stop because they want to. When I found out about my husband's secret life, he expressed to me that he wanted to stop many times, he new it was destroying himself and everyone around him, but he was powerless to stop the behaviors. Learning about the addictive cycle in the brain was very helpful to him, and me as well.
You cannot make your husband want to get help. However, you can learn to set strong boundaries to protect yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. You really need strong support to help you do this, though. I would encourage you to find a support group for women married to sex addicts or a therapist where you have a safe place and supportive environment to talk about what's going on, where you can work on getting strong yourself, setting boundaries, grieving, dealing with anger, ect. There are many groups out there - and even some that meet over the phone.
You asked questions about trust, moving on, self confidence, and a healthy sexual relationship. I can tell you that all those things are possible again, but only if your husband is actively and wholeheartedly seeking recovery and getting help. A healthy response to someone who is lying and hiding things from you, is to not trust them. To trust someone who is consistently demonstrating that they hide/keep things from you or is so closed off as to not discuss anything with you is insanity. Trust is earned, not given freely. My own husband has learned to work hard every day to demonstrate to me that he is trust worthy. This is done through major accountability to me with his time, money, whereabouts, and phone/computer devices, and major communication between the two of us. This accountability will be in place the rest of our lives together - It has to be due to his massive violation against me.
Self confidence is a hard one, and one I honestly still struggle with. One thing that really has helped me in this is to get rid of anything that exposes me to the temptation to compare myself to other women. I already fight my own thought life, I don't need to be constantly reminded of every woman that's out there flaunting themselves. TV and movies were a big problem for me, so a short while into recovery I got rid of the cable and we said goodbye to TV forever. Bringing all that into the house wasn't good for my husband and it wasn't good for me. I would watch tv shows and get angrier and angrier. My husband didn't like getting rid of TV at the time, but we now agree it was one of the best decisions we ever made as we try to put Phillipians 4:8 into practice in our lives.
As for moving on - I assume you mean forgetting about it and putting it behind you. I know that is never going to be something either one of us do in our marriage. We never want to forget how incredibly messed up my husband was, our marriage was, how hopeless it truly was. We never want to forget just how bad it was, so we will always remember the great things God has done for us and keep on living with grateful hearts. There is hope - but the road is long and difficult. I will be praying for you and your husband.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2016 22:35:58 GMT -7
Well I thought things were getting better or at least we were both trying. Going to counseling and ordered some books for both of us. We had sex a few times, but after one time I mentioned how I didn't like the condom he used. Knowing we had multiple kinds, I said " what else is in the drawer over there?". Well there were no other ones...eventually he found on in a bathroom drawer but where are all the others...he swears that's all there were, so maybe I'm mistaken. Dosent feel good but I let it go. Weeks layer we are at the er, I'm having severe abdominal pain. Im using his phone to look up possible causes while we are waiting and see a sexual very derogatory term he has looked up on urban dictionary. Well history on his phone shows he looked up multiple terms. When I show him he says someone at work was telling me i should look it up. My opinion is he should have said, man I don't want to hear that or look ip stuff like this, however he didn't he proceeded to look up multiple terms and I'm sure there was a conversation to go along with what they were looking up. Discussing stuff, makes me sick. Yea it's not porn but it's not stuff he should be looking at given the situation. And how now am I supposed to believe he isn't lookig at other stuff. I feel like if I continue in this relationship it's going to be never-ending with this crap. I feel like he thinks I'm stupid and I should just keep believing he is not looking at stuff. I feel extremely disrespected.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2016 9:06:40 GMT -7
Hi Christa. I am sorry you are experiencing this. The way you feel is completely normal. Have you set boundaries? If you have, they may need to be tweaked. I don't have time right now to re-read your other posts...getting ready for a counseling session. I wanted you to know that I saw your post and I understand what you are going through. I will post again when I get back. I am praying for you hon.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2016 12:59:48 GMT -7
What you are experiencing is what an addict does. The addiction cycle is hard to break even when you put your whole self into it. When an addict hasn't committed wholeheartedly to breaking this cycle, they will continue to act out. Even after committing it takes a long time to get the worldly thinking out of your head completely. They will try to get their fix any way they can...ie looking up words and talking about them. It is impossible to trust an addict when they are not open and honest with you. He broke your trust and needs to earn it back...your trust in him will never be the same blind trust you had in the beginning but there can be trust again if you both work towards it. Set down some boundaries that he needs to abide by. They help build trust, hold him accountable, and protect you.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2016 14:07:12 GMT -7
Hi and welcome to our forums. I pray you find the support and encouragement you need here. I am always sad when a new member joins because I know what they are going through. I am glad however that you found us. As Elle has said there are plenty of resources available to your husband and also to you. We have links to several on this site. A red flag pops up in me when I hear that he isn't open or communicating and that there isn't any intimacy between you. One thing most men experience when dealing with this addiction is the need to confess and talk about it. It needs to be dragged into the light. Yes I moved on...literally. I divorced my husband because he got violent with me when I confronted him. I am still working on gaining back my selfconfidence and trying to find joy, peace and contentment. One thing I want to ask is "Have you made it easy and comfortable for your husband to open up to you?" Forgive me for asking this, but in all of your pain I am wondering just what your husband is feeling right now. The love of his life is standing before him asking for answers that he himself might not know. If this is the first time he has "been caught" he may not know what to say nor how to say it in a way that won't cause further disunity in the marriage. Is your husband guilty?-YES. Do you deserve answers?-YES. Is he able to give you what you are seeking?-I AM NOT SO SURE. All I am saying is that if a man is embarrassed or feels like he is under interrogation he isn't going to want to open up and receive a verbal beating. No one wants that. I'm only speaking from my own personal experience in counseling men with this addiction. We don't like to talk all that much about It. It takes many many talks before they are willing to be open let alone completely honest. I would advise you to ask some of the men on here like Kevin, Braveheart, Mike or MarcD how they were able to open up and get some advice from them on how to talk with your husband and not to him. These are my thoughts on the subject both as a man and an addict.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2016 19:00:24 GMT -7
What type of boundaries? I guess in my mind don't look at porn or any sexual material was clear. Even with boundaries I don't know how to trust anymore. I forgive but the rest is the had part.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2016 19:04:52 GMT -7
Jonathan I appreciate the different prospective. When I first found out I layed with my husband and in his arms so I'd say that was pretty supportive given how devistated I was. I'm sure there have been times I'm so upset he dosent know what to do or say and he shuts down. Fight or flight mode he is for sure flight. We go to counseling as of recently and we have had conversations where he is comfortable talking. But all the talking and words don't really mean anything if your actions are different.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 17, 2016 19:19:37 GMT -7
Weeks layer we are at the er, I'm having severe abdominal pain. Im using his phone to look up possible causes while we are waiting and see a sexual very derogatory term he has looked up on urban dictionary. Well history on his phone shows he looked up multiple terms. My opinion is that having a smart phone is a very huge trigger for a PA. It certainly is for me. Thus, I don't have one. I would highly recommend that your husband set up some better boundaries around this. It will be good for him. Just my opinion.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2016 19:26:42 GMT -7
KevinesKay I totally agree! His excuse is he needs it for directions...he is a driver for ups
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2016 19:31:01 GMT -7
Boundaries will be different for each couple. It could include finding male accountability partners and staying in touch with them, filtering software, access to all electronics and accounts, going to counseling, praying together, going to a recovery group. Whatever you think is needed to gain back trust, hold him accountable and help you feel safe. You know your husband and his weaknesses. Work off of that.
Trust is something that he is going to have to earn back by his actions. It will take time to earn it back. You need to remain open enough to see his actions in the positive direction and commend him when he is working toward the goal to overcome his addiction. You have to encourage him, praise him and keep him covered in prayer. You are part of his accountability team whether you want to be or not so you will have to help hold him accountable. Correcting a man isn't easy...they usually don't take it well...pride and respect. I have stepped on several men's toes since joining this forum. You will need to be on your knees in prayer frequently. Some days it will feel like that is all you do...on those days you are doing it right.
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