KevinesKay
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Posts: 1,744
Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 17, 2016 19:31:07 GMT -7
KevinesKay I totally agree! His excuse is he needs it for directions...he is a driver for ups So what he'll have to do is scrap the smart phone and trade it in for an "old fashioned" GPS. That's what I would do.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2016 20:14:58 GMT -7
I guess I don't want to feel like I am demanding things or setting ultimatums. I would feel much better if he said I don't want this to happen again so I am going to do xyz. I understand that may not happen but I wish it would.
Something I have been trying to do latley is be happy and confident in myself again. I find I can do it when I'm alone, but when my husband is around im just not happy because there is so much negativity in my mind. I keep waiting for him to do or say something that will make me feel better and then when it dosent happen I'm disappointed again. I know this probably isnt fair to me or him. However I have even said in the past xyz will make me feel better and he says ok but then no action happens. I'm such a strong woman and I feel the complete oposite of that in this relatiinship. I really want this to work and want to be with him, but I don't want to be disrespected.
I think I mentioned before we met in church and we're involved, but now we are not. A friend of my husband's told him he is the spiritual leader and we need to get back in church, but my husband was watching P when we were in church. I really feel hopeless about this and my relationship with Christ at this time.
Also just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has responded. Talking here is helpful. None of my friends or family are aware of our struggles and we only recently began counseling.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2016 20:22:39 GMT -7
I'm realizing so many men that work with my husband look at P and sexual things are a common discussion. Have any addicts dealt with this and how did you deal with it?
I mean even the other day when I found stuff on my husband's phone and I confronted him, he said my supervisor was telling me about it and to look it up. This just makes me sick.
I wish my husband would stand his ground and say I need you to know I am not interested in these discussions and do not want you to discuss or show me anything of this nature.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2016 7:06:44 GMT -7
Standing his ground is just that. He has to do it. It truly is that simple. If he is in love with the LORD Then it shouldn't be all that hard to hold to one's convictions. I told my boss from day one who I was and that I will NOT do certain things like curse or view porn. Also viewing porn at work is often against company policy so if it's happening someone is going to get fired. Again it must start with him taking a firm stand and acting on it. Perhaps he can, perhaps he can't just yet. Pray about it that God gives him strength. As for a strong church, look up the International Churches of Christ (my church) and get back into loving God.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2016 8:40:10 GMT -7
One thing I want to ask is "Have you made it easy and comfortable for your husband to open up to you?" Jonathan, i dont think its a wifes responsibility to make is 'easy and comfortable' for an addict . In fact, i think you ask far too much in thinking we wives in total shock and trauma are even able to 'make it easy and comfortable' over time i learned to make it 'easy and comfortable' with promises of working with him , with being a safe space to admit struggles, enquiring after how balanced he was feeling etc. None of it helped him be honest. In the end, the only thing that helped him be honest was threats of lie detectors and leaving him. Sorry, I am not in the camp of making it nice and comfortable . In my experience, it kept him nice and comfortably in denial that he would ever face real consequences for his lies. i wish i had been a LOT firmer in the start.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2016 11:19:52 GMT -7
One thing I want to ask is "Have you made it easy and comfortable for your husband to open up to you?" Jonathan, i dont think its a wifes responsibility to make is 'easy and comfortable' for an addict . In fact, i think you ask far too much in thinking we wives in total shock and trauma are even able to 'make it easy and comfortable' over time i learned to make it 'easy and comfortable' with promises of working with him , with being a safe space to admit struggles, enquiring after how balanced he was feeling etc. None of it helped him be honest. In the end, the only thing that helped him be honest was threats of lie detectors and leaving him. Sorry, I am not in the camp of making it nice and comfortable . In my experience, it kept him nice and comfortably in denial that he would ever face real consequences for his lies. i wish i had been a LOT firmer in the start. Wow, I am stunned by all of this. I'm not sure what to say. Each person is different and if being forceful works then by all means go for it. I'm just going by what I've learned from my own experience and what the Bible says about it. I don't know the situation but it is my understanding that this was the first time being caught. I agree that harsh consequences need to bec In place for repeat offenders and the Bible calls for that. So please forgive me for my statements and go with what you think is right.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2016 11:57:41 GMT -7
I am not jumping on the bandwagon of making things easy and comfortable either. That tends to make the addict complacent and gives them more freedom to choose sin. How many times I believed my ex was telling me the truth only to find out he was lying or covering things up. Adicts by their nature are repeat offenders...it is only with the constant light of God's truth and love that we are able to come out from under our addictions. Being held accountable for our actions and choices is a major way that is acomplished. So yes I do step on toes. It is needed sometimes to open the eyes of the addict. God is not always gentle with us when He is refining our characters...He does use fire when necessary.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2016 12:06:34 GMT -7
Standing his ground is just that. He has to do it. It truly is that simple. If he is in love with the LORD Then it shouldn't be all that hard to hold to one's convictions. I told my boss from day one who I was and that I will NOT do certain things like curse or view porn. Also viewing porn at work is often against company policy so if it's happening someone is going to get fired. Again it must start with him taking a firm stand and acting on it. Perhaps he can, perhaps he can't just yet. Pray about it that God gives him strength. As for a strong church, look up the International Churches of Christ (my church) and get back into loving God. You are right about this. It does have to be his choice. Just as it has to be our own individual choices as to who to follow...God or the world. It isn't easy to choose God because that puts us at odds with the world. Christa, I agree with John. Find a good bible based church and start attending. It helps to be around other believers and hearing God's word preached and explained. Even if you have to start going by yourself, do it. You will be blessed by it. Be in prayer about your husband's and also about your own relationship with Christ.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2016 12:53:01 GMT -7
So this wasn't the first time I have cought him, it was the 2nd. We discussed his phone needs to go, it seemed a struggle for him when i asked this of him but he said ok. He says he is going to tell the guy at work not to have these types of discussions with him. Maybe he will or maybe not, I'll never really know because I have 0 trust for him right now. He says he is going to start attending a male support group in town and church. Maybe sad to say but I'm not ready to go back to church now. Like I mentioned we were in church when this happened the first time and so many "christians" around here are fake and not real friends when you need them.
I also asked him to identify his triggers and what he is going to do to protect himself from wanting to look at P or sexual material of any kind. He said he would but that he had never thought about it, which concerns me that he could say it won't happen again when he dosent know triggers.
I had a session with our counselor today alone and we discussed codependency. Everything I have read I took it to be I am cotributing to the addiction, but she explained basically I need to figure out how to be happy and not based on what my husband does. This is really hard for me but I can see how my happiness has been based on what mu husband does or dosent do. This is why I'm always so sad and depressed because my husband is not meeting my expectations/needs at the moment.
Has anyone been successfully at finding this inner happiness with yourself? Activities, books, way to think/process things that help?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2016 14:05:59 GMT -7
i am happier when i stand firm against the confusion he tries/tried to create. I know he is manipulating when i feel confusion. When i stand by my conviction that he is lying, i feel myself strengthen. The worst thing is the confusion, so i find 'inner peace' by believing my own mind and not his version. I believe this is listening to God who is truth and not satan who is lies. I wanted to believe him so i did, but over time i found i could only gain strength and confidence when i called him on it and refused to be sucked down the rabbit hole of plausible excuses. I know how you feel about not being ready to go back to church. This stuff rocks you spiritually. It took me a long time to pick up my bible again after various discoveried. Longer to pray again. I mean, he was my representative of a Christian man, who would tell me how Christ had delivered him therefore i should believe his purity. All lies. So, its like...YOUR God?? Really? To experience such hypocrisy causes such spiritual despondancy. I also suffered a lot of spiritual abuse from christians, for the most part unintentional, mostly throuhg ignorance, but sometimes because they wanted to fit me into their own particular theology (e.g as i am not able to instantly throw this at the cross and continue as normal, i must be suffering from a spirit of freemasonry... and..."we all sin, and his secret habit is just like eating chocolate in secret"....yeah, i have heard some humdingers from my Jobs comforters) However i will not let HIS sin take MY salvation so i persevere in spite of how many challenges this has thrown to my faith. I know i only FEEL like God is far away, and i know how much my experiences can be completely unrelated to reality...just as the world as i saw it was not the truth, neither is my spiritual world as i currently experience it....experience isnt reality i have learned. My husband was a liar, even when i thought he wasnt. Likewaise, God is there, even if it feels like he's not.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2016 15:08:11 GMT -7
I have to process everything I think, feel, and believe through the bible otherwise I miss the boat and sometimes even when doing that I still miss the boat. Our God is awesome though...I miss the boat and He makes it so I can walk on water to get back to the boat...lol sometimes He uses fire to speed my journey up.
We all fall short. None of us are perfect. None of us can be counted on 100% of the time. I fall short so often that it can send me into a depression because I see my lack and know I am failing miserably and yet I must continue on and finish the race. I have chosen the hardest path to follow. I have chosen Christ and I can't give up because He hasn't given up on me. Just the other day I told myself that people aren't worth the effort to get to know and then had to repent because who am I to make such a judgement when Christ thought otherwise? I will always war with my natural desire to isolate because I am afraid of being hurt...I actually expect it now. However because I chose Christ, there is this insistent glimmer of hope that keeps popping up...very annoying when you want to be depressed and isolate...along with the hope is this unbearable optimism that sees the good instead of the bad. I must continue to move forward one baby step at a time.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 18, 2016 16:02:42 GMT -7
ellekay and amymine712 thank you for the words of encouragement! I really don't know what I'd do with out being able to talk here and have feedback support from others.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2016 19:35:24 GMT -7
How are you doing Christa? I have read through your thread and just wanted to say I have prayed for you and your husband. I shared some of my story with my husband on here as well and I hope you know you are not alone, even though you might feel that way. I know just what you mean about not wanting to feel you have forced your husband to do the right thing. I have laid down boundaries with my husband and some of them have been put in place and I am struggling with the slowness of his progress but I am trying to move forward wisely and even if I don't fully trust by husband I am trusting God for our next step.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 6, 2016 21:25:22 GMT -7
While reading your post I was reminded over and over again of the feelings I often feel. One of them that stood out to me was the feeling of lowered self esteem and feeling like I needed to compare myself to the women he has been lookin at which made me feel anything but sexy. One thing that helped me was I actually started pursuing a healthier me. Not to look more like the girls from his videos or even to look more like what I thought he wanted me to look like. Instead, I did it for me. I've always wanted to be healthier and I've always had insecurities so my husbands porn addiction escalated those insecurities into a state where I am sexually anorexic because of my lowered body image. By focusing on getting healthier I was finally doin something for me, somethin I always wanted. Even though I am still uncomfortable bearing it all in front of my husband because of his porn history I am more confident overall. I am proud of myself for finally accomplishing and working towards the body I have wanted and I feel good about my appearance. Again not to look more like those women or for my husbands ideal woman but instead for me. It has really helped develop my self esteem to return to a normal level and feeling better by bein healthier has really helped me deal with all the other baggage that comes with it. My advice is do something to improve yourself that you can be proud of. Doesn't have to be physically. I think the est way to rebuild confidence and self esteem is to love yourself. Find a quality you have always wanted to work on and do it. No better time than now. When you see what you have accomplished you will have so much more self esteem and confidence in yourself. I know what it is like to feel shattered and although my relationship with my husband is far from healed, my relationship with myself is definitely on the mend because I have finally come out of the shadow of self doubt.
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