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Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2016 5:11:45 GMT -7
Something I just read about boundaries:
"Creating boundaries with the goal of making spouses “stop” certain behaviors places us in a sort of distasteful parent/army sergeant/police officer mode that embroils rebellion and is destined for failure. On the other hand, when you kindly ask for what you need in order to once again feel safe, you place yourself in a position of vulnerability. For example, when a man loves his wife and his heart toward her is tender, her vulnerability softens him and he wants to help her feel safe in their home and in a relationship with him. Kindness and vulnerability are key." (Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal, Barbara Stephens Ph.D., LPCC, and Marsha Means, MA)
I'm starting to understand that my motivations for some of my actions have been from the wrong angle. Like Mike (Blazing Grace founder) stated in an article... Your partner has to want to change. No actions I take can manipulate him to change... He somehow has to see my needs through a softened heart and want to change. I've been praying more, lately. Praying for a softened heart, praying that he'll feel compassion for me, praying that he will fall in love with Jesus more than me, praying that he will be able to figure out for himself what a relationship with Jesus really means.
God is working and answering these prayers. My Love came home from the men's breakfast at church and asked me to show him how his Bible works. What a wonderful thing to hear. This entire HPV journey has also created a path for him to realize how much I mean to him. He's been in tears and praying more about and for me.
I still haven't reached the point where I've been able to establish healthy boundaries, but I'm getting there. It's good to learn about them first before setting them... at least for me.
I have a follow-up procedure set for 2.5.16. Cell samples will be collected in order to determine the severity of the virus. I hear the procedure is not so fun.
I had a super difficult day at work yesterday, emotionally. I cried twice in the office and during my car ride from one office to another. I'm pretty sure my superiors have placed me on the fast track for being fired. I got written up for the second time in five years. The allegations were petty and no matter what I said... my superiors held fast.
Today is a new day. His mercies are new and He loves me like a cat lady loves a basket full of kittens. :-)
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Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2016 6:28:49 GMT -7
Sweetheart, I rejoice with you on hearing of the progress you and your SO are making. I am praying for you on all fronts...you relationships, your health, your job.
Stay close to God. Keep leaning on Him.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2016 17:46:57 GMT -7
Hi curly, just checking in on you. Haven't seen you post in awhile. How is everything going?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2016 21:24:32 GMT -7
My test seemed like nothing while it was happening... but I experienced severe cramping for two days. The results came back negative... but the doctor wants to see me every six months to play it safe.
I have spent weeks focusing on God and leaning hard into him. My relationship with him (God) is getting stronger. I'm forcing myself to be "present" rather than to torture myself with thoughts of SO'a ugly habits. I have been working hard to love him and encourage him in the fact that he is a good man...
I still struggle with jealousy issues... and that weighs heavy on him. He is on the verge of quitting the relationship. Today we talked some. He admitted that he may never give up porn. If he can be that selfish and uncaring... than I can be selfish enough to say that I am no longer sharing my body with him.
I expect that his reaction will be to kick me out of the house... I finally feel like I'm ready. We'll see what happens...
My new job is awesome. I'm in my second week.... The people there are really nice and I think I'll be able to get the hang of it soon. I am very busy all day long and have no time to think of porn issues. I'm thankful that God is working in my life... and even though he's said that he may not quit... I believe that God is working in his life, too.
Thanks for all your concern... I appreciate you guys.
<3
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2016 3:49:23 GMT -7
God is at work! I am very impressed with how you have grown. Don't give up the steps you are taking to put God first. Codependency causes so much damage in our lives. Your boundaries are exactly what your SO needs so he can know his need for God. Bless you.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2016 6:43:03 GMT -7
My test seemed like nothing while it was happening... but I experienced severe cramping for two days. The results came back negative... but the doctor wants to see me every six months to play it safe. I have spent weeks focusing on God and leaning hard into him. My relationship with him (God) is getting stronger. I'm forcing myself to be "present" rather than to torture myself with thoughts of SO'a ugly habits. I have been working hard to love him and encourage him in the fact that he is a good man... I still struggle with jealousy issues... and that weighs heavy on him. He is on the verge of quitting the relationship. Today we talked some. He admitted that he may never give up porn. If he can be that selfish and uncaring... than I can be selfish enough to say that I am no longer sharing my body with him. I expect that his reaction will be to kick me out of the house... I finally feel like I'm ready. We'll see what happens... My new job is awesome. I'm in my second week.... The people there are really nice and I think I'll be able to get the hang of it soon. I am very busy all day long and have no time to think of porn issues. I'm thankful that God is working in my life... and even though he's said that he may not quit... I believe that God is working in his life, too. Thanks for all your concern... I appreciate you guys. <3 I'm glad that things are working out for you in so many areas. Keep the spirit alive. Hold to your convictions and don't compromise. Seek first the kingdom of God and all these things will be given to you as well.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2016 7:58:41 GMT -7
Curly! I am so thankful to God that you have posted. I have been so worried about you. You are going through a lot of changes right now and that can be tough to deal with. I am glad you are leaning on God for support and strength. Please don't be a stranger here. I want to know how to pray for you and I want to be able to support you any way I can.
Like brave and John have said...stick to your boundaries. You are a daughter to our Lord God and He loves you like no other can. If you need someone to talk to, I am here.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2016 9:06:51 GMT -7
I was wondering if we could move your post to the accountability section? I didn't want to without your permission. Just thought about it today actually ?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2016 9:06:57 GMT -7
I was wondering if we could move your post to the accountability section? I didn't want to without your permission. Just thought about it today actually ?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2016 12:52:03 GMT -7
Moving this thread is fine... Sometimes it's difficult to know where to start them.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 4, 2016 5:07:18 GMT -7
That song... Broken Together... It describes my life with my partner. I am learning to let go of my expectations and to lean on God. My partner is not there yet... and truthfully, neither am I. I've learned I don't want to throw away our relationship because of an earthly impass. Deep inside, my soul feels as if our union is part of God's greater plan. We are both stumbling to get there... but it's going to happen.
Instead of separating... we are working through our issues. The big blow up has actually drawn us closer together.
One day at a time.
I am more focused on snuggling into God for my needs and comfort. This life will never give me (or you) complete satisfaction. Only Heaven can do that. :-)
My heart is changing... the anxiety I felt in the past is fading. I praise the LORD for that relief. He is working in my life. He is fighting for me. I am staying calm and giving Him room to fight for me.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2016 4:06:41 GMT -7
I am reading a devotional called the Seven Laws of Live by Dave Willis. This was the devotional for today:
facebook.com/simplethingz/posts/1399623123397209:0
Even though my mate has chosen not to quit porn... I've taken an alternate route. Instead of shaming him or banishing him from my life, I've chosen to love and pray for him (and me) consistently. This is a super hard path to take... and not popular by society's standards. I believe in my mate. God showed me that he has the potential to affect many for Christ. I believe that God can change his heart and mind. After a few months (it feels like eternity) I am starting to see changes in him.
I still feel hurt and betrayed and he knows how I feel. Porn is not okay. But I choose to love him like Jesus loves me. I need Gods grace every day, too. God is changing us both.
Lean into God, my friends...
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2016 5:23:12 GMT -7
Hi curly, I am so glad to hear from you! Been wondering how you were doing. You are in my prayers. Let us know if there is any specific need to pray for or if we can help you in any way.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2016 17:14:26 GMT -7
So... it's been, what? 4 months since I've been here? Much has changed in my life. EVERYTHING has changed.
I never wanted to be the girl who threw out a wonderful relationship because of porn. Guess what? I'm that girl. Everything blew up July 1st and I moved out July 4th.
He chose porn over me... but of course, in his eyes... he didn't want to live with someone who is not able to trust him. (He's clueless at how the two issues walk hand in hand.)
I am finally in my own apartment. I'm adjusting to single life again. The first couple of weeks were the hardest... I cried and cried... and my body literally ached for him.
I'm getting stronger as each day passes... and I'm starting to realize my worth.
He is still doing porn... but it's none of my business anymore. I was sooo stressed when I was living with him that I was having chest pains. My doctor thought that I was having heart issues and sent me for a stress test. The heart Doctor figured out that my heart is healthy and that I was just super stressed. Guess what? The pains slowly went away about 2 or 3 weeks after I moved out. Now I only get them if I spend time with him... I still see him maybe once a week. I go get my mail (finally got it forwarded), or I pick up another carload of stuff.
He wants to remain "friends" but it's been a rocky road for me. He's been acting like a kid at a candy store with no self control on Facebook. I'm just reminded when I see all the fake women he loves there... that I don't want to spend the rest of my life with a womanizer. I pray that he feels the fullness of the emptiness he seeks. I pray that God keeps working on him... but mostly, I pray that God will fully heal me so that I don't make this mistake again.
Surprisingly enough... the effects of porn don't disappear when the relationship is broken. I'm looking forward to the day when I can trust a man again. Until then... I'm learning to be me again.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2016 21:35:57 GMT -7
I admire your strength and your courage for standing up for yourself and for what you believe in. You have had quite the journey and you ran a good race ... be proud of you. You are worth so much more than this.
Praying for your healing.
Grace
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