~ The Journey ~

I have Friday's off... if I'm at home... I spend the day doing my best not to rifle through my love's things looking for evidence that he is acting out. Some Fridays... I give in, and I find myself rifling through his spaces in the house. What good will it do to find anything? If I find something, I can't say anything about it because then I will have to admit that I was snooping in his stuff. If I don't say anything, then I have to deal with the tiring emotions of not saying anything. Either way... Nothing changes. My heart aches when I find evidence of his infidelity through porn and my heart aches with not knowing what he's doing but knowing that he's doing it.

This morning I was prepared to look for more evidence. Somehow I was able to stand firm and not touch any of his stuff. Instead, I watched the War Room as I did laundry.

This year I asked God to give me a character trait to work on for the entire year. I do this almost every year. I honestly didn't think I would hear His voice because I have wandered so far from Him. He did indeed speak. One word: SURRENDER.

I wasn't sure how I could learn to surrender when all of me wants to fight this evil beast that robs me of happiness. God works in His time... and today, His healing tidbit was revealed through the powerful message of the War Room.

I'll be back later to continue... I just wanted to begin to write my thoughts before they escape me.

In love...

I've been stressed pretty much of the weekend. My love thinks that I'm sick because of the weather change. He doesn't know that my headaches are from tension because of no perceived changes on his part. Working out at the gym helps. I'm determined to love him as he is... giving him the grace that Jesus gives me.

It's Sunday night and my nerves are at odds again. Monday through Thursday's are his opportunities to act out. I work 10 hour days with a 35-40 minute drive each way. He works an easy 9-5. He has 4 hours during the day to himself... I have three clients that I have court with this week. It's been rough preparing and focusing. There's no room for failure in court.

Today we went to church... Out of all the things the pastor said... One line caught my heart's attention. (Curly's paraphrase) In all the Bible, God NEVER suggests that we do something. He TELLS (instructs) us to do things. He is not a God of good ideas. He expects obedience. Several weeks ago I thought I heard Him tell me to move out. I've kicked around several possibilities, but nothing seems to be coming together. I keep asking Him to make a way... and then I get all sad and upset when I think about separating from my Love. I don't think we need to break up... just back off. I'm still asking God to make a way. I know He will. (I have tons more thoughts about moving out... but I'll let them rest for now.)

Good things that happened this weekend: we went to church together, worked out together, gardened together, got our haircut together, kicked around in another sea-side town... He loves me. In his compartmentalized brain of boxes... It seems like my box is bigger than the others... but it's still not the first one in line.

Lord, help me to focus on you this week. Help me to literally feel the safety you offer in your arms. Make a way so that I am able to obey you without going into huge debt. Please prove a safe place for me to live and the strength to move out. Help me to define boundaries without alienating my Love. I have faith that you are working in his life... and mine. I love you, Lord. Amen

Keep reaching for God and your bible. You will see change in yourself as you put God first and give Him room to work in your heart. It is amazing what He can do if we let Him. I am a completely changed person and yet He still works on me perfecting me to do His will.

I almost put down a deposit on an apartment yesterday. The cost is holding me back... more realistically, the thought of losing the dynamic of a good thing is holding me back. Instead of going big... I think I'll ask for the extra bedroom to be mine. It's almost empty because we are in the process of re-doing the floors... and it was promised to be my space anyways for my computer, sewing, and crocheting... I'm pretty sure I can get a futon that would fit nicely in there.

I know I just made a bunch of you cringe with non-approval. Ugh. My life is what it is. I wish you could meet my love. He is incredible in every other way.

I have bad news about a counselor... I was seeing one, but I wasn't happy with her. Seeing her was more like paying buku dolores for sitting and chatting like friends. She siding ask me about a goal... or even try to help me identify a goal to work towards. There are two other counselors on our contracted provider list at work. One lost his license... The other one retired last week. I'm going to let human resources know... Hopefully they can secure a contract with someone good. Until then... I've been toying with the idea of attending CR.

I've asked him if he'd like to go to CR with me... but he's not interested... just like he's not interested enough to even look inside the Bible I got him for Christmas.

I am exhausted from my lack of sleep on Sunday night. It was one of those nights where I had a couple of naps and my mind was working overtime during my waking hours.

Court went well... One client was reset to next week... The other case had the desired outcome I was hoping for. I have court again today... and a staff meeting this morning at the main office.

As I left the house and was driving to work... My heart felt like it was being pulled through rocky mud. It's a long two hours at the house. My imagination works up horrible scenarios of him acting out. The truth is.... I can't guess what days he does... and he may very well be keeping busy with doing laundry or something else. I'm not feeling super anxious this morning... Just a little anxious. I've toyed with the idea of asking my doctor for an anxiety medication. Even if I was living in a separate apartment... I'd still struggle with anxiety...

This morning, I'm going to do my best at focusing on my job and leaning on God. This morning is not my fight. This morning I choose to remember that I am okay in the shadow of the Almighty. I am well. I am strong. I can choose happiness over anxiety.

Bless you guys... I look forward to reading you here and there.

I've been reading through some of the older threads. My heart breaks from seeing so many people in pain... and that pain is frozen on time. I'm sad for all the women who do not feel loved by their husbands. I'm sad for the men who have sacrificed intimacy with their true love for temporary and destructive gratification. I'm sad for the families who have been destroyed by the enemy. I am sooo thankful that Jesus has won. There is a heaven where there are no tears of sadness... no lies... no deceit. We will be able to rest and love.

Changing gears: As I was driving to work yesterday, I was listening to Joel Osteen. One of the callers was a woman who stayed that she was distraught with her marriage. She began to pray first and foremost that her husband would fall in love with Jesus. Three difficult years later... He proposes to her again... and their marriage is on a healed and healing track. I realized that I need to be praying a similar prayer. Abstinence from porn is not going to happen unless it's his choice (read that in several places here). Right now... he is choosing to believe lies that porn fills a void in his life. He won't be able to recognize those lies unless God convicts him and shows him the truth. I am praying that he falls in love with Christ. That seems to be the beginning point of recovery.

Good points about him: he has made me feel loved more than any man on this earth. I am truly blessed by him.

Porn truly is the thorn in our relationship. It hurts. It's always there. Only Jesus can pull it out. I'm praying this happens.

Work: I witnessed the devastation when a client (juvenile) realized that his parents are done with him. The emotions he circled through as we waited for CPS to pick him up were almost unbearable to witness. I can't even imagine being in his shoes at that moment. I wish I would've reached out to him out of compassion. I resisted because he is another person's case. Next time I feel a pull... I will obey.

Another officer told me, "You look exhausted!" That's always something that you love to hear about yourself. Lack of sleep Sunday nights makes working my kind of job tough. I'm doing okay this week... but I'm already regretting the thoughts of Monday rolling in. It's Wednesday. Seriously. It's waaaay too early to be thinking like this.

I'm a little concerned that you are seeking our approval. Honey we love you and only want what's best for you. You have to make the best choice for you. God gave you all you need to make that choice, and in doing so you must ask yourself if you are ready to accept whatever consequences may come.
One thing to consider is that you two seem to be out if balance on a couple of things that are rather important I think. He doesn't even want to go near the Bible he got for Christmas? You are seeing a counselor but he's unwilling to do so? You are seeking God about changes in your life and he's not supportive at all?
If the one I love isn't headed in the same direction as me I would definitely wonder why. Another question is why does he want you to stay??? I would ask him to write the top five reasons he wants you to stay? Tell him to be specific, not just because he "loves you". If he can't come up with five legitimate reasons for why HE wants you to stay well? Good luck with all of this.

Hugs, I will keep you in my prayers hon. Has your SO been tested for HPV? I think men can be carriers for it so he should be tested otherwise you could re-infect each other.

You are right that we see others through our own tainted lenses. And hearing only one side of the story doesn't help. We do however try to offer advice and encouragement as best we can and we pray for what God wants in your situation. As John said, we love you and want the best for you. However only God and you can come to that final conclusion.