Post by Deleted on Jan 11, 2015 12:01:41 GMT -7
I have often been asked when my faith conversion was. In the past I never knew how to answer that. Now I know. It was on February 1, 2012. There is no doubt in my mind of the date - it was a life changing conversion that only God could do. In the months and years leading up to that date of ‘new life’ I was walking away from God and rebelling, but on that day God took charge and showed me the cross and what it truly means and how serious he is about sin. In C.J. Mahaney’s book “Living the Cross Centered Life†he quotes a member of his church: [indent] “…there was a problem deeper than my outward expressions of sin… I was learning about the sin in my heart and the motives at the root…I vividly remember driving down the road one day, and God opening my eyes to see that I’m a wretched sinner to the very core of my being. In that second I thought, what am I to do?! Instantly I was clearly aware that this is why Jesus Christ came and died on a cross - for me…I laughed out loud, and said “My God, only you could show me what a wretched sinner I am and make it the greatest news I’ve ever heard!†The truth of Jesus’ sacrifice became more real to me than ever before.
[/indent] Our church pastor once preached about the cross and how if we really get the Gospel personally then it goes from black and white to vivid living color. The Gospel and the cross were just black and white images to me until February 1st when the Cross came into Technicolor and HD reality on an I-max screen.
I was fired from my job early in the morning on February 1st and asked to leave the premises within 10 minutes. They would pack up my things and ship them to me. The HR director and my boss came to Minneapolis from Chicago to tell me that they found pornography on my work computer and that I had been seen watching it. The windows in my office were only mirrored in daylight and not when it is dark outside. I went home in panic and cried, wondering what and how I would tell my wife and my sons who were 20 and 23. At that moment I felt like Job, sitting on his ash heap contemplating his future as things were being taken away from him and I suppose, wondering what more might yet be taken until he had nothing, no family, no money, and no health. What was left him? What would be left to me - this was the second time in my marriage that my pornography use was discovered and became a serious problem in our relationship.
My issues with pornography started in adolescence while visiting a friend’s house when his older brother and friends brought in some adult magazines and shared them with us younger boys. It continued in college. I did work/study at the dorm reception desk which included copies of Penthouse and Playboy that could be checked out by the guys. Well that job wasn't exactly fast paced so there was plenty of time to read and linger over the photos. Life went along and my sons were born and I slowly climbed the corporate ladder but pornography never went away. My career advanced well and I became General Manager of a Chicago real estate company in Minneapolis. My workloads and promotions increased and then in 2008 the economy tanked and the pressure to perform and keep up the returns at all costs started to wear on me. I was working 55 - 65 hours per week not always including the work I took home or the middle of the night calls from the alarm company or security guards. I was responsible for all lease renewals and they were getting tougher as the economy tightened, and I managed the building remodeling construction and tenant improvement construction during this time which totaled five million dollars. I was late getting my 2012 budget turned in which was due on October 1st and corporate was on my case about it.
The last few years I was becoming increasingly angry especially with any situation that didn’t go as I wanted, I was getting bitter, short with people, in fact I withdrew and didn’t want to see people, I pushed friends and family away, I found excuses to not go to church, I was beginning to doubt God, prayer and bible reading were the farthest thing from my mind. I would leave for work by 6:30am and not get home until 6:30pm and then all I wanted to do was eat, watch TV to take my mind off the day, go to bed, and then repeat the whole procedure the next day. My wife at one point told me she wanted the old me back and did not want the current me. My anger spilled out on my Mother-in-Law who lives with us and is legally blind. I treated her very rudely, I wouldn't talk to her or even respond to her, I would hide and move things on her in short I didn't want her in our house as I saw her as taking what precious time my family had away from us. Porn was my outlet, my stress relief, it beckoned me, it never said no to me. I was a mess and didn't realize it.
On October 5th I received a call from my mother that my younger brother had died at age 51. I was the only immediate family member here in Minnesota and made the arrangement for his funeral. He died from an aortic dissection and was found dead in his bed after five days. Basically his drinking and smoking played havoc with his heart - we were not close because of his alcoholism and always asking me for money. When I cleaned out his apartment he had very little - the efficiency apartment was in a minimally kept old apartment building in a poor part of town. He had three pieces of used and broken furniture and the place was strewn with empty cigarette cartons, beer cans, and empty boxes of wine. It was depressing and I had to run out. He didn't even own his own bed - it was borrowed but he did have about 50 pornography magazines lying on the floor and I took a few with me to read and lessen my stress. Could I end up like my brother? Was he saved, did he believe in Jesus? I don’t know - I never asked him.
On February 1st sitting on my ash heap I realized I had a problem - an addiction problem and I was far away from God. I was unemployed and could not get unemployment benefits because I had been fired for violating known company policies and not for causes beyond my control. I was tormented that I might lose my family through divorce. I did not sleep those first few nights but I prayed and cried like never before. Then it just became so clear that I just knew that I had to get close to God and I had to be sincere and transparent to Him. I needed to do everything I could to repent and ease the guilt and shame. I needed to find a bible study group and I needed a Christian guy to talk to and to be my accountability partner, I needed to attend worship regularly and I needed to change my heart.
I called our church to talk to a pastor and was put in touch with Pastor Vince. We talked for almost an hour and he told me about Setting Captives Free that he had just learned about from a friend that same day. He told me about a Friday morning Men’s bible study, and suggested biblical counseling. I started all of these in February. For several years we had a DVD package of John Piper’s “Don’t Waste Your Life†that had never been opened. I don’t know what drew me to it but I watched it and was amazed at how it resonated with me. God clearly showed me how close I had come to wasting my life. I finished it and suggested to my uncle that we watch it together as a basis of our own bible study and he is now one of my accountability life partners. I enrolled in and completed the 60-day on-line Purity course with Setting Captives Free then went on to complete another 60-day study they offer called The Cross. I completed biblical counseling at my church and have become good friends with my counselor Kevin. I have been attending Friday morning bible study faithfully, and most importantly I have been reading the bible very regularly since that terrible February morning. Finally I reached out to the one friend I had that I knew I had treated badly and had been ignoring for a long time and confessed to him what had happened and how sorry I was how I had treated him. He has become my second accountability life partner.
My wife and I attended a marriage prayer retreat in April 2012 and have made it over the biggest hurdle and now spend more time reading devotionals and/or praying together, my oldest son told me after I told him why I was fired that I shouldn't worry that everything will be o.k. and I have written both of them letters imploring them to attend church regularly and read the bible. My ash heap isn't as bad as it could have been nor has it gone completely away. The cross and Jesus have changed me and taught me much and there is still much to learn and changes to make. I still need to control my pride and learn how to be a servant with joy and make sure my children, as John Piper said; don’t make a shipwreck of their lives. I crave learning more about the cross, and reading the bible. My future goal is to start memorizing scripture so I can put on the whole armor of God.
Milton Vincent in his A Gospel Primer about preaching the Gospel to yourself says,
[indent]“…the deeper I go into the Gospel, the more I comprehend and confess aloud the depth of my sinfulness. A gruesome death like the one that Christ endured for me would only be required for one who is exceedingly sinful and unable to appease a holy God. Consequently, whenever I consider the necessity and manner of His death, along with the love and selflessness behind it, I am laid bare and utterly exposed for the sinner I am. Such an awareness of my sinfulness does not drag me down, but actually serves to lift me up by magnifying my appreciation of God’s forgiving grace in my life. And the more I appreciate the magnitude of God’s forgiveness of my sins, the more I love Him and delight to show Him love through heart-felt expressions of worship. [/indent]
God has been gracious in the years since that awful February 1st. I started a men’s purity group at our church which grew rapidly from three guys that first week to as many as 18 at one time. There have been successes and failures along the way, guys who have overcome their addictions to find a sweet freedom in Jesus and others who fell into the miry depths by not following the wise wisdom of the bible as described in Proverbs 5: 12-14 “How I have hated instruction, And my heart despised correction! I have not obeyed the voice of my teachers, Nor inclined my ear to those who instructed me! I was on the verge of total ruin, in the midst of the assembly and congregation†I have many more friends than ever in my life, friends I can count on to share the shirt off their back if I needed it. I have friends that will tell me if I am wandering off course and will drag me if necessary back onto the path of righteousness and freedom. I watch much less television than I used to and feel the freer and less burdened for it. I may never recover the caliber and income of the job I once had but I also don’t have the pressure and burdens that drove me off course and I have learned to trust that God will provide what I need and I am satisfied with just that. I no longer measure my success the way the world does but against what God desires of me and I am the happier for it. I continue to learn how to better love my wife and to show her she can once again trust not me but Christ who lives in me. It has been a rocky couple of years in our relationship but we are miles in front of where we once were and better anchored because of our faith in God and trusting that he will continue to make straight our paths.
Thanks for letting me share my story and please know that God can and will free you from porn issues and addiction if you let Him.
[/indent] Our church pastor once preached about the cross and how if we really get the Gospel personally then it goes from black and white to vivid living color. The Gospel and the cross were just black and white images to me until February 1st when the Cross came into Technicolor and HD reality on an I-max screen.
I was fired from my job early in the morning on February 1st and asked to leave the premises within 10 minutes. They would pack up my things and ship them to me. The HR director and my boss came to Minneapolis from Chicago to tell me that they found pornography on my work computer and that I had been seen watching it. The windows in my office were only mirrored in daylight and not when it is dark outside. I went home in panic and cried, wondering what and how I would tell my wife and my sons who were 20 and 23. At that moment I felt like Job, sitting on his ash heap contemplating his future as things were being taken away from him and I suppose, wondering what more might yet be taken until he had nothing, no family, no money, and no health. What was left him? What would be left to me - this was the second time in my marriage that my pornography use was discovered and became a serious problem in our relationship.
My issues with pornography started in adolescence while visiting a friend’s house when his older brother and friends brought in some adult magazines and shared them with us younger boys. It continued in college. I did work/study at the dorm reception desk which included copies of Penthouse and Playboy that could be checked out by the guys. Well that job wasn't exactly fast paced so there was plenty of time to read and linger over the photos. Life went along and my sons were born and I slowly climbed the corporate ladder but pornography never went away. My career advanced well and I became General Manager of a Chicago real estate company in Minneapolis. My workloads and promotions increased and then in 2008 the economy tanked and the pressure to perform and keep up the returns at all costs started to wear on me. I was working 55 - 65 hours per week not always including the work I took home or the middle of the night calls from the alarm company or security guards. I was responsible for all lease renewals and they were getting tougher as the economy tightened, and I managed the building remodeling construction and tenant improvement construction during this time which totaled five million dollars. I was late getting my 2012 budget turned in which was due on October 1st and corporate was on my case about it.
The last few years I was becoming increasingly angry especially with any situation that didn’t go as I wanted, I was getting bitter, short with people, in fact I withdrew and didn’t want to see people, I pushed friends and family away, I found excuses to not go to church, I was beginning to doubt God, prayer and bible reading were the farthest thing from my mind. I would leave for work by 6:30am and not get home until 6:30pm and then all I wanted to do was eat, watch TV to take my mind off the day, go to bed, and then repeat the whole procedure the next day. My wife at one point told me she wanted the old me back and did not want the current me. My anger spilled out on my Mother-in-Law who lives with us and is legally blind. I treated her very rudely, I wouldn't talk to her or even respond to her, I would hide and move things on her in short I didn't want her in our house as I saw her as taking what precious time my family had away from us. Porn was my outlet, my stress relief, it beckoned me, it never said no to me. I was a mess and didn't realize it.
On October 5th I received a call from my mother that my younger brother had died at age 51. I was the only immediate family member here in Minnesota and made the arrangement for his funeral. He died from an aortic dissection and was found dead in his bed after five days. Basically his drinking and smoking played havoc with his heart - we were not close because of his alcoholism and always asking me for money. When I cleaned out his apartment he had very little - the efficiency apartment was in a minimally kept old apartment building in a poor part of town. He had three pieces of used and broken furniture and the place was strewn with empty cigarette cartons, beer cans, and empty boxes of wine. It was depressing and I had to run out. He didn't even own his own bed - it was borrowed but he did have about 50 pornography magazines lying on the floor and I took a few with me to read and lessen my stress. Could I end up like my brother? Was he saved, did he believe in Jesus? I don’t know - I never asked him.
On February 1st sitting on my ash heap I realized I had a problem - an addiction problem and I was far away from God. I was unemployed and could not get unemployment benefits because I had been fired for violating known company policies and not for causes beyond my control. I was tormented that I might lose my family through divorce. I did not sleep those first few nights but I prayed and cried like never before. Then it just became so clear that I just knew that I had to get close to God and I had to be sincere and transparent to Him. I needed to do everything I could to repent and ease the guilt and shame. I needed to find a bible study group and I needed a Christian guy to talk to and to be my accountability partner, I needed to attend worship regularly and I needed to change my heart.
I called our church to talk to a pastor and was put in touch with Pastor Vince. We talked for almost an hour and he told me about Setting Captives Free that he had just learned about from a friend that same day. He told me about a Friday morning Men’s bible study, and suggested biblical counseling. I started all of these in February. For several years we had a DVD package of John Piper’s “Don’t Waste Your Life†that had never been opened. I don’t know what drew me to it but I watched it and was amazed at how it resonated with me. God clearly showed me how close I had come to wasting my life. I finished it and suggested to my uncle that we watch it together as a basis of our own bible study and he is now one of my accountability life partners. I enrolled in and completed the 60-day on-line Purity course with Setting Captives Free then went on to complete another 60-day study they offer called The Cross. I completed biblical counseling at my church and have become good friends with my counselor Kevin. I have been attending Friday morning bible study faithfully, and most importantly I have been reading the bible very regularly since that terrible February morning. Finally I reached out to the one friend I had that I knew I had treated badly and had been ignoring for a long time and confessed to him what had happened and how sorry I was how I had treated him. He has become my second accountability life partner.
My wife and I attended a marriage prayer retreat in April 2012 and have made it over the biggest hurdle and now spend more time reading devotionals and/or praying together, my oldest son told me after I told him why I was fired that I shouldn't worry that everything will be o.k. and I have written both of them letters imploring them to attend church regularly and read the bible. My ash heap isn't as bad as it could have been nor has it gone completely away. The cross and Jesus have changed me and taught me much and there is still much to learn and changes to make. I still need to control my pride and learn how to be a servant with joy and make sure my children, as John Piper said; don’t make a shipwreck of their lives. I crave learning more about the cross, and reading the bible. My future goal is to start memorizing scripture so I can put on the whole armor of God.
Milton Vincent in his A Gospel Primer about preaching the Gospel to yourself says,
[indent]“…the deeper I go into the Gospel, the more I comprehend and confess aloud the depth of my sinfulness. A gruesome death like the one that Christ endured for me would only be required for one who is exceedingly sinful and unable to appease a holy God. Consequently, whenever I consider the necessity and manner of His death, along with the love and selflessness behind it, I am laid bare and utterly exposed for the sinner I am. Such an awareness of my sinfulness does not drag me down, but actually serves to lift me up by magnifying my appreciation of God’s forgiving grace in my life. And the more I appreciate the magnitude of God’s forgiveness of my sins, the more I love Him and delight to show Him love through heart-felt expressions of worship. [/indent]
God has been gracious in the years since that awful February 1st. I started a men’s purity group at our church which grew rapidly from three guys that first week to as many as 18 at one time. There have been successes and failures along the way, guys who have overcome their addictions to find a sweet freedom in Jesus and others who fell into the miry depths by not following the wise wisdom of the bible as described in Proverbs 5: 12-14 “How I have hated instruction, And my heart despised correction! I have not obeyed the voice of my teachers, Nor inclined my ear to those who instructed me! I was on the verge of total ruin, in the midst of the assembly and congregation†I have many more friends than ever in my life, friends I can count on to share the shirt off their back if I needed it. I have friends that will tell me if I am wandering off course and will drag me if necessary back onto the path of righteousness and freedom. I watch much less television than I used to and feel the freer and less burdened for it. I may never recover the caliber and income of the job I once had but I also don’t have the pressure and burdens that drove me off course and I have learned to trust that God will provide what I need and I am satisfied with just that. I no longer measure my success the way the world does but against what God desires of me and I am the happier for it. I continue to learn how to better love my wife and to show her she can once again trust not me but Christ who lives in me. It has been a rocky couple of years in our relationship but we are miles in front of where we once were and better anchored because of our faith in God and trusting that he will continue to make straight our paths.
Thanks for letting me share my story and please know that God can and will free you from porn issues and addiction if you let Him.
