His problem or mine?

I MegaDitto Steves post. Him hugging you is totally inappropriate and he should be stopped either by you confronting him or perhaps an elder in the church. Be prepared for the elders to blow it off. They'll think he's a good man who is being misunderstood. I don't know. I've seen it over and over in the churches we used to go to. I have a thread on it in the "church" thread. I have links to sites to where two butt kicking women keep a tally and do posts about sexual predators in the churches who were arrested and therefore charged and when to jail.

Sexual predators pick churches to find victims b/c they can trick people into thinking they are serving God, when what they are really doing is finding victims who won't fight back and I'm not saying that you.

I think you are a fighter and that you saved your children from any further harm. That takes guts.

My mom and former stepfather went to an independent Baptist church when we were still living in northern Illinois and the first time I went to the church, this older guy comes running up to me when I was trying to get in the car and he kept touching me on the shoulders and I told my parents that there is something wrong with that man.

The church made him Principal of the Christian school that they had and my younger sister went to it.

Well, he fondled a four year old but no charges were brought against him. Come to find out, he'd been doing this for OVER 20 and his wives stayed with him and even sang in church. Her husband also cooked for the church outing as well.

He looked like a regular guy and they came off as a God fearing couple however they were both evil.

The next pastor who took over the church was arrested for molestation of children in his church and so that church has been through heck and it seems like Satan is winning there.

If the elders won't help you confront him, tell him if he lays so much as a pinky finger on you, you will go to the police and press charges. He'll leave you alone after that.

Does your mom know and does she attend the same church with you?

God Bless and I'll be praying for this situation Amy that God will expose that pervert for what he really is. He could also be harming children. Google him and see what comes up.

Hey Amy,

I'm going to agree with Steve and HS3 here.  I think your intuition is right.  I understand that your church can be a "huggy" church.  But there should still be some boundaries with what is appropriate with members of the opposite s*x.

Dr. Mark Laaser, author of "Faithful and True", mentioned an example of a man that entered one of his treatment centers.  He referred to himself as "The Hugging Priest".  He was placed into recovery when some of his congregation complained that they felt uncomfortable with his hugs.

For me, the only women I hug are family members.  And I keep it very simple and dignified.  No bear hugs or tight squeezes.  That's reserved only for my wife.

One time, a former employee gave me a hug for my birthday..  I was caught a little off guard.  And when I told my wife, she was very upset.  I can understand why.  So, under my wife's guidance, we were able to send her a text message saying that I felt uncomfortable with her physical gesture.  She was, at first apologetic, but later resented me for it.  It worked out okay, though.  She eventually got the message that having physical boundaries was important to me and my marriage.

I'm sorry, Amy.  You'll need to communicate to him and his wife that you feel his hugs are getting inappropriate.

And I Ditto Kevins post too.

My hubby only hugs family members.

I talked with my sister about it and she thinks I am reading to much into it. Ugh...well if it happens again I will say something to him.

HISTORY: I have been in a relationship with my SO for just over a year. He was single, never married, and no kids. I have been married three times (always a long story) and I have three kids who all live on their own.

I suspected that he might have done porn early in the relationship. He just seemed really protective of his digital devices. When my suspicions were confirmed... I moved in with him (what was I thinking?!) Actually, I was thinking that if I was there... he wouldn't do porn. I know that living with a man is not the "Christian" way... But that's a topic for another day.

NOW: I've been sending him articles on porn. They are educational... Like the effects on the body and relationships. Today, he sent me several articles on low self esteem, insecurity, and jealousy. His thinking that he's expressed in the past was that if I was a more secure person, then I wouldn't care if he looked at pretty women in lingerie... or care that he only clicks "like" on his sexy looking friends' pictures.

Is this my problem or his?

Yes... I've checked up on him... but I'm now at the point where I know without a doubt that he would not cheat on me with a live human being. I created distrust by checking on him.... He created distrust by interacting with naked women... This is a mess.

I'm so sorry for your "mess" as you put it. Addiction of any kind is a messy business especially when one side is reluctant to see the other person's point of view.
As far as answering your question I don't believe there is a clear cut line. He's on a pattern of denial most men have taken over and over again. He's trying to justify his viewing by lumping onto your insecurity. Two seoerate issues going on: his porn viewing is his own responsibility just as your insecurity is yours. They were both there long before you two were together. I got this from reading your post and again I'm sorry such existed beforehand.
Now it is worse because you two are now feeding into things that were not dealt with prior to your relationship. So to answer your question you BOTH have things in my opinion to work on. Being blunt honey fix what you can about yourself first (I had to learn this) and stop trying to get him to change. "If" someone truly loves another they will put that person's needs and desires above their own. It goes back to 1 Corinthians 13.

Father God,
Some things we ask for we may not get answers for. Other things we ask for we might not like what we receive. Only You know what is good for us and what we truly need Lord. Tonight some very tough questions were asked Lord and I'm not sure there is a clear answer. Lord there is much we need to do in this life and many changes we need to make. I pray that we will examine ourselves first and see what needs mending and lay our requests before you always. Soften Hearts Lord and cause a great change to occur in both of their lives. May true love triumph over this addiction. Thank you for understanding things that we do not. Amen.

Thanks so much, you guys. I need reality, not sugar coating... thanks so much for your honest words.

I do have issues that were not dealt with in the past... Even though I was a preacher's daughter, I grew up neglected. (That was back in the day when pastors sacrificed family for " the cause.") I acted out by being sexually promiscuous as a teen and married at 20 just to escape my parents. I discovered that my new husband had a huge addiction to porn. He ended up raping my cousin... No one ever came along side me and supported me. I was the black sheep of the family... for years and years.

Marriage two... I endured 12 years of mental and emotional abuse. I believe I have PTSD from this marriage. When I have an argument with my SO or if he's expressing anger, I get panic attacks.

Marriage 3... This man loved Jesus. I thought I finally found the one! He had overcome severe drug addiction... He had come through brain tumor surgery with flying colors... We did prison ministry together... I relocated 1,500 miles away from home to be with him. His brain tumors came back... Another surgery... Seizures... lots of negativity... and it ended in a night where he was literally convinced that I had hired someone to kill him... He wanted to kill me.

Now I can see why God wants the older people to help teach the young. I've seen counsellors... But I never really had a mentor to help me through all of this. I never had a confidant I could trust. God is working in my life... I don't doubt that for a minute. Ironically, I am a juvenile probation officer and I have the opportunity to pour into others' lives. :-)

I know I need to move out... God confirmed it in my heart. I am getting closer to doing that... My heart is almost caught up with my mind. He needs alone time with God and so do I. Our future plans were to move to South Dakota in the Spring. We both have jobs waiting for us there. We are looking at purchasing a church and converting it to a home.... I guess it's not going to work out how we planned it... I'm trusting God's plan... No matter how painful it may feel.

Thanks for letting me vent... I feel safe here.