I am a christian and writing from Ontario Canada.I came upon this forum and have never used this type of media before. I would like to ask a question. Growing up I experienced no sexual, out right emotional or physical abuse. While I know now that my family had its own issues. Even with my so called normal family life, I developed an attraction for men. I was sensitive, insecure and artistic, and other boys treated me as such. I was first labelled a "fag" in grade six on the schoolyard. At the time I did not know what it meant, but have always carried this around with me.
When I was eighteen and in college, I still looked about 15. I had one encounter with a older guy who took advantage of my need for male attention. I was mortified by what I had done and made the a vow to never act on or tell anybody about my secret again.I married thinking this would fix my problem. My need to be held and affirmed by a man never left me. I had managed to remain faithful to my wife for over 20 years. Last year when my father was dying of cancer I started to chat with local men through a local chat site. One of the married men I chatted with was quite open about his desires and we discovered we knew each other and were colleagues in the same field. We met a few times for coffee and eventually had an encounter. I ended the relationship soon after because of the overwhelming shame I felt. I know I need help and am confused as to where I should turn.My question to you is should I finally confess all this to my wife knowing my infidelity would hurt her terribly?I know if I had told her about my same sex attraction years ago it would have been less complicated and painful.
Hi, I struggle with similar issues even though I am not married. My struggles have spanned for decades, though. I've spent most of my life alone, introspecting, and watching people from a distance. A near-death experience I had had me held in the arms of God, my soul saturated by His pure love. If it weren't for this my struggles would be a lot worse.
I can tell you, right now, please, do NOT tell your wife about your struggles Not yet.
You say you believe she would not understand, I am telling you, you feel that for a reason, she will not. You may end your marriage, because you literally do not understand your own predicament, let alone are able to explain it to her.
As a man who struggles with same-sex attraction (on any level Your gut instincts aka God are telling you when it is wrong, you feel it in the pit of your stomach) there is a serious emotional and spiritual disconnect from what God has set up between a man and a woman.
You mentioned that you began to flirt with other men when or after your father was dying of cancer.
Do you know why you began to flirt with men during this time?
It is because your father never established the sacred bond every father needs to have with his child, son, or daughter, with you.
I know because my father never did with me, either, although I experienced traumatic abuse in my childhood.
In your spirit, you began to realize that when your father passed on, that love your tender heart was so desperate for, would never be given to you, and you would never be complete, so you began to search for that love from other
Unfortunately this is true on a level, but fortunately, it is also a lie. God can give you the love you so desperately crave in other men.
You describe yourself as soft spoken, gentle. You have a huge heart- that was never fully developed. The love you are capable of showing a woman is fairy-tale like. But your soul, and heart are twisted You are double-minded. It is actually correctly translated, "Two souls".
Unfortunately the civilized Western churches have mostly failed it's congregations in striking at the root of many problems.
Do you believe in curses? Generational curses can affect generations of people. That is why doctors will always ask you, "Is there any history of..." "Mental illness" "Cancer" "Behavioral issues" "Addiction". These are not just "Family problems" they are what's known as generational curses.
The modern church will pray for you, and dismiss you, without dealing with the root causes of your problems. They deal with sin, but not iniquity. Iniquity is what causes the sin. Sin is a symptom. You can strike at the symptom for the rest of your life, and never be well.
You need to have your generational curses broken over you, first. Secondly, you need to go through a process of deliverance. You need to seek God on your knees and beg for mercy, and humble yourself.
Homosexuality is a very "proud" state of mental and spiritual disorder. All people tempted with homosexuality are filled with it. You must recognize this, and begin to deal with it.
Secondly, these temptations do not come out of nowhere. They are not the wind, with no beginning and no end They do not strike at random.
In fact, they are wickedly intelligent personalities that hammer your soul from birth, seeking any "ins" they can find, and exploiting every weakness and curse for their own twisted purposes.
Make no mistake, every homosexual encounter you have heaps curses on you, as the Bible is true, it is an abomination. I am not saying this for any other reason than for you to recognize the gravity of the situation. God will deliver us, and help us, but ultimately it is up to us to overcome the sexual sin. When the stakes are real, your fight will become real. But the relief, and the deliverance also becomes real, too.
Struggling with homosexuality as a Christian is one of the most horrific struggles a human being can endure. There is no grey area, no neutral place. This world is quickly being swept away with homosexuality, sodomy, and unnatural uses of the human body. It is literally life and death. There is no part of homosexuality that is okay with God.
Here are some videos I highly encourage you to watch. I would demand you watch them but I do not have that authority. It is VITALLY
important you understand what is happening to you in the spirit world before you can have hope of being free from your problem.
I was celibate for 16-17 years before I fell sexually with my best friend. During that time I was only "Resisting the devil" and little else. I had little to no understanding of what was going on, and why.
I am offering you the why:www.youtube.com/watch?v=znPYH_Sg5lY
And the how:www.youtube.com/watch?v=Plx-YzNSgag&list=PL91D95754ACF205D0
Watch these videos in your spare time, when you have time alone. Use your phone, listen to them during your lunch break. When you are in your workshop. On your way to work, on your way back. But LISTEN to them. This is not being taught in hardly any churches, yet divorce among Christians is HIGHER than divorce among unbelievers.
And the number one thing God told me, "DO NOT BE AFRAID." Fear is faith in the devil. Fear will keep you in bondage until the day you die. DO not be afraid. The fear of demons and the devil is from the demons and the devil!
Finally, you are married. You married for the wrong reason, to be "Cured" of your homosexuality. But that never works, and now you have entered into a sacred binding contract to spend the rest of your life with this woman. You promised God you would never, ever leave her. She made a similar promise to you.
This is a mirror of the covenant God has with us, except we can most assuredly leave God, it is easy to do. But He will never leave us. That is a promise in the Bible: Hebrews 13:5 5 Without covetousness the behaviour, being content with the things present, for He hath said, `No, I will not leave, no, nor forsake thee,'
If Satan can undermine marriage, he can undermine society. And if society falls, war breaks out, people die by the millions, and Hell is filled with souls.
In Luke 14:6 it says: "If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, even their own life--such a person cannot be my disciple.
Which means you have to love Jesus and God SO MUCH, that you hate your mother, brother, and father in comparison.
It does mention your wife. So we are to love our wives as Jesus loves the church, but we are to love Jesus more than anything.
Ephesians 5:25 says: Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
Again: Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
This is not a love that is all encompassing, but it is one of the strongest forms of love you can have for someone.
I was once told by a pastor that that kind of love is impossible. It is. But that is no excuse to give up and die. Your wife should be your everything on this earth. You are to love her with the selfless love Jesus has for us, taking all of our insults and our turning our back on Him, and always being ready to take us back in His arms when we turn back.
The Bible is, in essence, giving you permission to love someone more than anything else in this world. You married her for the wrong reason, and your motives are not right. You messed up with some guy you met, and that's bad. But don't beat yourself up over it. Do not let Satan fill you with guilt. The shame you felt was from God, because you turned your back on your birthright. You turned your back on who God made you to be (A man, to love and interface with a woman). That is shameful. You will never find fulfillment there. You may find varying degrees of sexual pleasure, but it will never last, and it won't fulfill you.
You will be left feeling empty, cold, dirty and ashamed.
Be TERRIFIED of the day when you have sex with another man and you do not feel ashamed.
I once asked some gay friends of mine years ago when I was having sex with other men, why I feel so ashamed after. They told me, "We are not supposed to talk about that!"
THAT is the kind of support the gay community offers. "Ignore it while you grow more dead inside".
The truth is you are marvelously blessed. Beyond measure! You have a wife who loves you, whom has pledged her life to you. Granted, you have been withholding a MAJOR part of who you are from her, and she does sense it. Women have to be so careful with the men they select, because they depend on us for so much. Women do not like to admit it, but it's true.
They are easily hurt, and easily scarred by us.
Your homosexual trist WILL hurt her. It WILL scar her. And it WILL make her not trust you. How can she? You weren't just unfaithful, you were unfaithful with a MAN.
You need to turn back to God, and realize who He is: He is a God of mercy and forgiveness. But His ways are very narrow. He is not a God who just loves everyone, and everyone is going to be fine, that is unbiblical.
His way is very narrow, very tight, and if we think we can walk the broad path and enter Heaven, we are deceiving ourselves. This is not legalism, it is Gods Word! Enter the narrow way, because FEW find it!
Your soul, and your heart are more valuable than all of the riches that exist in the world. It is filth and dung in comparison to your value. Do not throw yourself away on vile passions that leave you so empty and broken inside. God is not going to magically just fix you. God tells us to get rid of our sexual immorality. He cannot move our hand from the mouse and force us to stop looking at porn. We must make the decision, and we must endure the agony of temptation before we can be free from it. God will take care of the spiritual part if we are faithful.
Lastly, do this. Ask God for wisdom. Not just in general, but ask Him for insight into the heart of your wife, and for empathy towards her. Ask Him to soften your heart towards her. And Him to soften her heart as well.
James 1: 15: and if any of you do lack wisdom, let him ask from God, who is giving to all liberally, and not reproaching, and it shall be given to him;
We need to be wise to remain on the narrow path. We need id badly! God does not say, "Well, you know, you cut that guy off in traffic today so I am not going to give you the wisdom you asked for. You know, I just don't like you very much right now!" NO!!! God NEVER says that!
He is ACHING to heap wisdom on you my friend!
So ASK HIM. If you do not ask Him for it you will be forever dwelling in darkness.
Further, ask God to break ANY curses that are on you. Period. He will do it. God told me once to ask Him to break off curses that were on me because of a place I was living. I balked with God for weeks and refused to do it. When I finally did, the curses were lifted, I was given new insight, and a new mind. Right away!
So ask my friend. Ask you will receive: Matthew 7:7 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.
God will begin to repair the damage done to your gentle, sweet psyche when you were a child, rejected by your father on whatever level. You have such a warm, wonderful heart. You are a beautiful person! You have so much value! I would hug you!
As He does, allow your heart to be softened to your wife. It is a very difficult, very scary process, because God is making you VULNERABLE. Without vulnerability, you will forever remain closed off to her, and it will create resentment between you. Do not allow the devil to win. Do not resist what God will begin to do once you ask Him for help, wisdom, and healing.
Watch those videos above, and re watch them. I watch them for days. Know your enemy, because he has thousands of years of experience over your few decades. But God has given us dominion over them. Remember, Jesus is subject over everything.
1 Corinthians 15:17: For he "has put everything under his feet." Now when it says that "everything" has been put under him, it is clear that this does not include God himself, who put everything under Christ.
We have authority as believers. The only time we surrender that authority is when we listen to Satan, and obey him, and give up our power, and surrender to fear. God did not give us a spirit of fear!
2 Timothy 1:7 for God did not give us a spirit of fear
, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind;
Do NOT allow Satan to make you wallow in your sexual sins! Phillipians 3:13: brethren, I do not reckon myself to have laid hold; and one thing -- the things behind indeed forgetting
, and to the things before stretching forth --
Forget about what happened. It will only drag you down and make you feel like a failure. You are NOT a failure. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, pray off all curses on you, and keep going.
Turn back to God, and rest in Him and His healing.
And finally, forgive my long reply! I have been through so much! I was SEVERELY tempted last night! Do not ever think you are some how beyond temptation! Watch, and be vigilant! I am right here if you want to talk. I love you, brother, be strong!