New Married Guy with SSA - I need help?

Hi, I struggle with similar issues even though I am not married. My struggles have spanned for decades, though. I've spent most of my life alone, introspecting, and watching people from a distance. A near-death experience I had had me held in the arms of God, my soul saturated by His pure love. If it weren't for this my struggles would be a lot worse.

I can tell you, right now, please, do NOT tell your wife about your struggles Not yet.

You say you believe she would not understand, I am telling you, you feel that for a reason, she will not. You may end your marriage, because you literally do not understand your own predicament, let alone are able to explain it to her.

As a man who struggles with same-sex attraction (on any level Your gut instincts aka God are telling you when it is wrong, you feel it in the pit of your stomach) there is a serious emotional and spiritual disconnect from what God has set up between a man and a woman.

You mentioned that you began to flirt with other men when or after your father was dying of cancer.

Do you know why you began to flirt with men during this time?

It is because your father never established the sacred bond every father needs to have with his child, son, or daughter, with you.

I know because my father never did with me, either, although I experienced traumatic abuse in my childhood.

In your spirit, you began to realize that when your father passed on, that love your tender heart was so desperate for, would never be given to you, and you would never be complete, so you began to search for that love from other men.

Unfortunately this is true on a level, but fortunately, it is also a lie. God can give you the love you so desperately crave in other men.

You describe yourself as soft spoken, gentle. You have a huge heart- that was never fully developed. The love you are capable of showing a woman is fairy-tale like. But your soul, and heart are twisted You are double-minded. It is actually correctly translated, "Two souls".

Unfortunately the civilized Western churches have mostly failed it's congregations in striking at the root of many problems.

Do you believe in curses? Generational curses can affect generations of people. That is why doctors will always ask you, "Is there any history of..." "Mental illness" "Cancer" "Behavioral issues" "Addiction". These are not just "Family problems" they are what's known as generational curses.

The modern church will pray for you, and dismiss you, without dealing with the root causes of your problems. They deal with sin, but not iniquity. Iniquity is what causes the sin. Sin is a symptom. You can strike at the symptom for the rest of your life, and never be well.

You need to have your generational curses broken over you, first. Secondly, you need to go through a process of deliverance. You need to seek God on your knees and beg for mercy, and humble yourself.

Homosexuality is a very "proud" state of mental and spiritual disorder. All people tempted with homosexuality are filled with it. You must recognize this, and begin to deal with it.

Secondly, these temptations do not come out of nowhere. They are not the wind, with no beginning and no end They do not strike at random.

In fact, they are wickedly intelligent personalities that hammer your soul from birth, seeking any "ins" they can find, and exploiting every weakness and curse for their own twisted purposes.

Make no mistake, every homosexual encounter you have heaps curses on you, as the Bible is true, it is an abomination. I am not saying this for any other reason than for you to recognize the gravity of the situation. God will deliver us, and help us, but ultimately it is up to us to overcome the sexual sin. When the stakes are real, your fight will become real. But the relief, and the deliverance also becomes real, too.

Struggling with homosexuality as a Christian is one of the most horrific struggles a human being can endure. There is no grey area, no neutral place. This world is quickly being swept away with homosexuality, sodomy, and unnatural uses of the human body. It is literally life and death. There is no part of homosexuality that is okay with God.

Here are some videos I highly encourage you to watch. I would demand you watch them but I do not have that authority. It is VITALLY important you understand what is happening to you in the spirit world before you can have hope of being free from your problem.

I was celibate for 16-17 years before I fell sexually with my best friend. During that time I was only "Resisting the devil" and little else. I had little to no understanding of what was going on, and why.

I am offering you the why:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=znPYH_Sg5lY

And the how:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Plx-YzNSgag&list=PL91D95754ACF205D0

Watch these videos in your spare time, when you have time alone. Use your phone, listen to them during your lunch break. When you are in your workshop. On your way to work, on your way back. But LISTEN to them. This is not being taught in hardly any churches, yet divorce among Christians is HIGHER than divorce among unbelievers.

And the number one thing God told me, "DO NOT BE AFRAID." Fear is faith in the devil. Fear will keep you in bondage until the day you die. DO not be afraid. The fear of demons and the devil is from the demons and the devil!

Finally, you are married. You married for the wrong reason, to be "Cured" of your homosexuality. But that never works, and now you have entered into a sacred binding contract to spend the rest of your life with this woman. You promised God you would never, ever leave her. She made a similar promise to you.

This is a mirror of the covenant God has with us, except we can most assuredly leave God, it is easy to do. But He will never leave us. That is a promise in the Bible: Hebrews 13:5 5 Without covetousness the behaviour, being content with the things present, for He hath said, `No, I will not leave, no, nor forsake thee,'

If Satan can undermine marriage, he can undermine society. And if society falls, war breaks out, people die by the millions, and Hell is filled with souls.

In Luke 14:6 it says: "If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, even their own life--such a person cannot be my disciple.

Which means you have to love Jesus and God SO MUCH, that you hate your mother, brother, and father in comparison.

It does mention your wife. So we are to love our wives as Jesus loves the church, but we are to love Jesus more than anything.

Ephesians 5:25 says: Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Again: Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

This is not a love that is all encompassing, but it is one of the strongest forms of love you can have for someone.

I was once told by a pastor that that kind of love is impossible. It is. But that is no excuse to give up and die. Your wife should be your everything on this earth. You are to love her with the selfless love Jesus has for us, taking all of our insults and our turning our back on Him, and always being ready to take us back in His arms when we turn back.

The Bible is, in essence, giving you permission to love someone more than anything else in this world. You married her for the wrong reason, and your motives are not right. You messed up with some guy you met, and that's bad. But don't beat yourself up over it. Do not let Satan fill you with guilt. The shame you felt was from God, because you turned your back on your birthright. You turned your back on who God made you to be (A man, to love and interface with a woman). That is shameful. You will never find fulfillment there. You may find varying degrees of sexual pleasure, but it will never last, and it won't fulfill you.

You will be left feeling empty, cold, dirty and ashamed.

Be TERRIFIED of the day when you have sex with another man and you do not feel ashamed.

I once asked some gay friends of mine years ago when I was having sex with other men, why I feel so ashamed after. They told me, "We are not supposed to talk about that!"

THAT is the kind of support the gay community offers. "Ignore it while you grow more dead inside".

The truth is you are marvelously blessed. Beyond measure! You have a wife who loves you, whom has pledged her life to you. Granted, you have been withholding a MAJOR part of who you are from her, and she does sense it. Women have to be so careful with the men they select, because they depend on us for so much. Women do not like to admit it, but it's true.

They are easily hurt, and easily scarred by us.

Your homosexual trist WILL hurt her. It WILL scar her. And it WILL make her not trust you. How can she? You weren't just unfaithful, you were unfaithful with a MAN.

You need to turn back to God, and realize who He is: He is a God of mercy and forgiveness. But His ways are very narrow. He is not a God who just loves everyone, and everyone is going to be fine, that is unbiblical.

His way is very narrow, very tight, and if we think we can walk the broad path and enter Heaven, we are deceiving ourselves. This is not legalism, it is Gods Word! Enter the narrow way, because FEW find it!

Your soul, and your heart are more valuable than all of the riches that exist in the world. It is filth and dung in comparison to your value. Do not throw yourself away on vile passions that leave you so empty and broken inside. God is not going to magically just fix you. God tells us to get rid of our sexual immorality. He cannot move our hand from the mouse and force us to stop looking at porn. We must make the decision, and we must endure the agony of temptation before we can be free from it. God will take care of the spiritual part if we are faithful.

Lastly, do this. Ask God for wisdom. Not just in general, but ask Him for insight into the heart of your wife, and for empathy towards her. Ask Him to soften your heart towards her. And Him to soften her heart as well.

James 1: 15: and if any of you do lack wisdom, let him ask from God, who is giving to all liberally, and not reproaching, and it shall be given to him;

We need to be wise to remain on the narrow path. We need id badly! God does not say, "Well, you know, you cut that guy off in traffic today so I am not going to give you the wisdom you asked for. You know, I just don't like you very much right now!" NO!!! God NEVER says that!

He is ACHING to heap wisdom on you my friend!

So ASK HIM. If you do not ask Him for it you will be forever dwelling in darkness.

Further, ask God to break ANY curses that are on you. Period. He will do it. God told me once to ask Him to break off curses that were on me because of a place I was living. I balked with God for weeks and refused to do it. When I finally did, the curses were lifted, I was given new insight, and a new mind. Right away!

So ask my friend. Ask you will receive: Matthew 7:7 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

God will begin to repair the damage done to your gentle, sweet psyche when you were a child, rejected by your father on whatever level. You have such a warm, wonderful heart. You are a beautiful person! You have so much value! I would hug you!

As He does, allow your heart to be softened to your wife. It is a very difficult, very scary process, because God is making you VULNERABLE. Without vulnerability, you will forever remain closed off to her, and it will create resentment between you. Do not allow the devil to win. Do not resist what God will begin to do once you ask Him for help, wisdom, and healing.

Watch those videos above, and re watch them. I watch them for days. Know your enemy, because he has thousands of years of experience over your few decades. But God has given us dominion over them. Remember, Jesus is subject over everything.

1 Corinthians 15:17: For he "has put everything under his feet." Now when it says that "everything" has been put under him, it is clear that this does not include God himself, who put everything under Christ.

We have authority as believers. The only time we surrender that authority is when we listen to Satan, and obey him, and give up our power, and surrender to fear. God did not give us a spirit of fear!

2 Timothy 1:7 for God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind;

Do NOT allow Satan to make you wallow in your sexual sins! Phillipians 3:13:  brethren, I do not reckon myself to have laid hold; and one thing -- the things behind indeed forgetting, and to the things before stretching forth --

Forget about what happened. It will only drag you down and make you feel like a failure. You are NOT a failure. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, pray off all curses on you, and keep going.

Turn back to God, and rest in Him and His healing.

And finally, forgive my long reply! I have been through so much! I was SEVERELY tempted last night! Do not ever think you are some how beyond temptation! Watch, and be vigilant! I am right here if you want to talk. I love you, brother, be strong!

Jake and Nik,

Great posts and I wholeheartedly agree with both of them.

Jake, you understand what he's been through and your insight was great. Thanks for the verses you posted.


The first though in my mind is that 50% of homosexual men have AIDS. If you continue down this path, what if you had sex with your wife after you have another encounter?

My hubby started with Celebrate Recovery and he wanted me to go and I balked saying they wouldn't be able to help me. But when I did the prayer call with the lady who is associated with BG, she highly recommended CR for me too. So I went for my first time on Thursday and we were late for the meetings, but that worked out great b/c we had a private talk with the guy who runs the meetings. He was arrested for DL a certain kind of porn and he and his wife were able to repair their marriage and make a stronger one than ever before. She is going to be my sponsor too b/c I need a friend who has been through what I have been through.

CR is for addictions of all types. And it's nationwide. Perhaps you could find a group like that in your area? I was really impressed with the open honesty of the people in my group that I met. There wasn't this just smiling faces that I see and our church which make me sick. My kids go more than we do b/c hubby doesn't really like the preaching and the pastor was extremely rude to him. I doubt he would even be able to help my H. We might just go to that church on Sundays and Wed. night we'll go to our CR meeting. This day is when they peel away the onion layers of pain for both of us. There are four books that we'll go through.

We are separated in our home for going on six months now b/c he wouldn't quit porn and it's been 8 years since I caught him.

LORD, I pray you will pull down the stronghold in Lintons life and give him the strength he needs to have victory. Please give him wisdom on how/when to tell his wife. I also pray for a counselor or a recovery group for him as well.

I live in Richmond, VA and we were able to find a CR goup. hopefully, there will be one in your area. The pastor was so nice to my H. He even came up and put his hand on shoulder and said some nice things. His opened up his church for these meetings and I think he his a blazing grace church myself in that he is getting to the heart of these issues and not just pastoring a church who is behind the times.

My friends,

It was not my intention to lead anyone astray or give bad advice.  My information does have some logic to it, and I was answering the best way I knew how.

Here is an excerpt of what one member, named Praise6, mentioned to Billyeah on November 9, 2005 as a response to his “Wife Issues” thread after he admitted that his wife was not aware of his use of pornography.


The thing is wives know something is wrong.  We feel it.  It eats at us and what is the first thing to go...sex.
You say you don't want to put this on her, but you already have.
By not telling her you rob her of being supportive and loving you.  
By not telling her, you are keeping a sexual secret from her, which is damaging.
By not telling her you still have the option of acting out.   


In addition, another member, named Captivated, added an additional response to Billyeah's thread on the same date.  She wrote:

Billyeah,
Praise6 is so right on with what she's saying.  Please reconsider.  I do appreciate your honesty with us about her not knowing though.
In my situation, I knew my husband's father had porn in the home and that my husband had been exposed to it when growing up BUT....and this was big, I never realized EXACTLY what this meant.  I was naive and only thought it meant he'd seen a few pictures....I never realized the gravity of it.....the frequency....the stories he'd read...the masturbation habit.....the pull.  A few years ago, God shed light on this for us and on how it had and still does affect our marriage in major ways.  Now, three years ago, my husband had the opportunity to come clean with me AND with our counselor about everything, but he did not.  He let us believe the masturbation habit had ceased 5 years into our marriage and that he'd never looked at porn since marrying me.  He'd lied.  He allowed his fears over my reactions to cripple him rather than trusting in the truths of the Bible that light shed on darkness exposes things and brings freedom.  Recently, God allowed him to get caught/exposed and now I'm not only dealing with the obvious betrayal issues, but also with wondering about the extent of his lies.  He's said it's only been porn, but he lied so believably to me before, how can I believe this is all it's been now......how do I trust he's been where he says he's been when he gets home late, etc......?  It's very difficult to heal when you don't truly know you can believe your spouse about what it is that's happened.  So, the flip side of this is that confession is always better for the partner than exposure because it builds the trust that our spouse did not WANT to lie to us anymore.  Obviously, she senses something, as I did.  The best and fastest path to recovery for both of you here is the way of truth and honesty.  Like mike has said, there are very few cases where he believes it may be best to withhold information.....and it does not sound like this is one of them.  I will pray for God to guide you here....He is bigger than all of this!
Blessings,captivated


In addition, I have been reading Mike's articles on Wives and Marriages.  And as suggested by other members, I've read them again.  And I plan to read them yet again.

Mike Genung mentioned in his article, “The Destructive Force of Adultery”

When I asked John if he thought I should tell Michelle, his words sank all hope: “You have to tell her, or there will never be true intimacy in your marriage again; the person you committed adultery with will always be between the two of you.”Then I asked him how long it took his marriage to heal: “Years,” he said. My mouth dropped. “Years???” I said in disbelief. “Years??? I thought surely you were going to say a few weeks or maybe even months, but years??!!”“Yes, years” John repeated firmly. “The old marriage you had is dead and you have to build a new one. This is going to take a lot of time and effort on your part; you’ve got to kill her with kindness and win her all over again.”



Mike Genung also mentioned in his article, “Healing a Marriage Broken from Adultery, Porn, and Sexual Sin”


My opinion is that the large majority of those who have committed adultery (I’m talking 95% here) should reveal the truth to their spouse so the marriage can be healed.The times when adultery shouldn’t be revealed, I believe, are extremely rare. Some examples might be if a wife has gone through a stressful time, perhaps with a loss of a parent, or if they were dealing with some sort of trauma such as childhood sexual abuse or rape. To tell her when she was broken already would border on abuse. This doesn’t necessarily mean that the spouse should never be told, but that telling her at the present time may not be wise.



My friends, I do sincerely apologize for giving any wrong or bad advice to anyone here on this forum.  Please understand that I have the best intentions.  

And I still believe that my insight, in general, has merit.  What I'm hearing from others is that this circumstance would fall in the extremely rare category where it would not be a good idea to tell the spouse.  If Mike could reinforce that, it would be helpful.

But I still believe, Linton, that eventually, she needs to know the truth as painful as it will be to hear.  Perhaps telling the truth in doses would be helpful.  And Nikanor and JakeW gave some good advice about gathering support and knowledge before bringing the truth to her.  Good, Biblical resources about your condition are not always easy to find.  I wouldn't be so quick to trust the insight of just any church or counselor.  I know of few resources outside of BG that would be able to address this.
But I do believe that among us we have incredible knowledge and insight to be able to allow the Lord to carry us through any burden.  

Thank you, Linton.  


And thank you to JakeW, Nikanor, and HS3 for all of your insight.

KK

We understand! Sometimes we have to take a break just to process.

Hope all went well at your men's retreat!

I'll be praying for ya'll.

Condensed

The reason why I said for him not to tell her YET is because so much is simply not known about homosexuality, by the vast majority of people.

Telling your wife you had sex with another man may be taken with more hardship than just about any other thing you can tell her.

She may ask him, "Why did you do it?"

What can he tell her?

Simply put, he needs to understand what forces are at work here. He needs to understand from a psychological, spiritual, physical, and soul perspective what is going on.

He needs to understand the treasure he holds, which is his wife's heart. He needs to seek God for the right time to tell her, will full understanding, with wisdom, with knowledge, or he's just going to sound like a blubbering child who got his hand stuck in the cookie jar.

The more he knows about his sin, the better he is going to be at explaining it to her, and how he can remedy it, and the better his chances are going to be that she will choose to stay with him.

Homosexuality is a deep betrayal for a woman to hear about, and rest assured, it will cut her deep when she finds out. He needs to be ready to explain what is going on, as it definitely sounds like he definitely needs more understanding and wisdom.

Yes, his relationship and his marriage could very well hinge on his ability to explain things to her. It is the single most aberration a person can be cursed with. It destroys the root of masculinity, of how we interact with our fellow man, how we relate to our fellow man, our emotional structure, our psychological structure, our very deepest and most tender desires, our wants, our passions, our hopes, our futures, and destroys who God originally intended us to be.

I mean no offense, and I would not tell anyone not to try and help struggling homosexual identified people, but unless you have suffered under homosexual temptations and know what it is like, struggled with the confusion, with your identity at your core, it really is not as simple as, "You must tell her right away."

The other side of the coin is, if you do not tell her, your marriage will wither and die, and you will find yourself drawn even more so to men, as the tender bond you once shared with your wife in the sacred matrimonial covenant withers in your hearts and dies. You are damning your marriage by not telling her. You may be taking a huge risk by telling her, but you must.

All I am trying to tell you is to get educated. I am here, willing to talk to you, to give you my experiences, my understanding. Watch the video on rejection and realize how the devil and his demons work. The Western church has utterly failed to address the demonic element in people's lives, and this has given Satan carte blanche access to people's souls, unhindered.

We treat the sin, not the iniquity, and wonder why half of all pastors have porn addictions.

Why more than half of all married Christians will divorce.

I will also tell you it is NOT okay to have same-sex attractions. Many Christians will tell you it is, (Just don't act on them, they say) but the Bible says that if you look at someone to lust after them, you are committing adultery in your heart. Further, you are allowing a grave sin to remain in your heart, that you are not allowing yourself to fight at all costs to you.

And fight with every ounce of strength you absolutely must. This is life and death.

As I said before, being a Christian who has the curse of homosexuality on them is a horrific struggle, one of the worst a person can endure. I believe the only thing worse is the desire to harm or involve yourself with children sexually.

To address your wife, Linton, an understanding into her heart is absolutely necessary.

This is going to sound mean, but I hope God absolutely breaks your heart over what you did. I hope you weep, your face buried, over the damage you did to your wife's trust. She is not just some woman, she is your wife. I hope the pain God gives you that was in her heart is reflected deeply in your own, and I hope the agony you feel is not soon forgotten.

The point brought up by homeschooler3 is a very good one. About HIV. Did you know that 75% of new STD cases reported to the CDC are from homosexual identified men? 60% of new HIV cases are also from homosexual identified men.

This fact caused me to take a step back from the temptations I was experiencing. I hope it does for you, too, Linton.

Also, this is a great article on the truths of gay sex: www.porn-free.org/pdf/Gay_Sex_Health_Risks.pdf

The damage done by homoerotic intercourse is not only physical, but mental, spiritual, and physiological. It twists and distorts everything God designed as Holy between a man and a woman, a mirror of the love we have in Jesus.

How would you feel if you discovered you had contracted HIV, and had given it to your wife? You essentially just killed her. Damned her to a horrific, long drawn out, agonizing death, all because you fooled around with another guy. The woman you pledged to love, to have, to hold, you yourself just murdered.

I am being harsh for a reason. A very good reason. Coddling rarely does anybody any good, and if I can say anything about my own struggles with homosexuality, and resisting temptations that go beyond what heterosexual people can comprehend, is that some times only the prospect of the terror of eternal damnation can stop what would be the process that would lead effortlessly, joyfully, into sin.

Linton, if your wife senses a genuine change of heart in you, if you tell her your history, if you get her to understand what you have been suffering with, you stand a chance of her sticking with you through this.

But be warned. If she does stick with you, that is a special, strong, and courageous woman, to be sure. It is NOT a feel good card to let your guard down! No, in fact, your guard must be put doubly up!

You are looking at nights of resisting temptation, while your body shakes and sweats over what you want more than life, what you want more than her, and what you want even more than God.

Simultaneously, with your genuine repentence and turning back to God, seeking Him, willing to do the things you do not want to do, and not do the things you want to do, you are also looking at God revealing the most precious parts of a woman;s heart to you. Parts of her that wise men have sought for centuries and not come close to understanding.

As God removes the curse of homosexuality from you, based on your willingness to turn from your sin, to suffer the agony of being in Gods Will and resist temptation, God will begin to heal you, restore you, un cross the wires in your heart that are crossed and twisted, thanks to demonic hosts and their strongholds.

The knowledge of the beauty and completion your wife gives you will make you the happiest man who has ever lived, as you nurture, cherish, and love her with Ephesians 5:25 love.

Imagine how you will feel when God gives you special understanding of her gentle feminine heart, wisdom about her past and who she is, and the beauty of how she so totally completes your earthly life.

There is hope for you. More hope than you ever thought possible. More beauty to be discovered, to be mined out of a mine like precious nuggets of gold, and bright, clear diamonds, pulled out of dark rock.

Seek God, seek His Face, seek His Will! Seek His Understanding and Wisdom my friend. Without it you will be slapping your wife in the face with the knowledge of what you have done.

However, if you come to her with a repentent heart, genuinely crushed, and not only this, but with full desire to make it right with her, to genuinely change at all costs to you, with full understanding of your curse, your problems, your issues, equipped with the armor of God to fight the good fight, you will have a chance to begin to win her over.

My best advice for you is to gain that knowledge, grow close to your wife whom you pledged your life to. Grow in tenderness with her, in Holy Spirit empathy, nurturing her, loving her, getting an understanding, and when God tells you to tell her, you do so. You sit her down, you tell her your past, you tell her the why, you share your suffering with her, and you make her understand.

If she does not understand you might as well just walk up to her and strike her in the face, then walk away and hope for the best.

So you make the first move. YOU understand your situation so you can explain it to her, the best you can. I will be praying for you, and for her.

It wouldn't hurt to begin asking God not only for wisdom in her heart, but for understanding, and especially asking God for mercy for you, and for the softening of her heart. Yes, ask God for each of these things. Just ask!

I went to a mens conference on the weekend. Feelings of inferiority and not measuring up to the other men were overwhelming at times. I kept thinking I'd rather be cleaning my garage. I feel unloved by God and want to turn to porn to make this pain go away. It's like I feel isolated and nobody cares.

I want to share this with you.

Lust begins in phases. Often the first phase is, a part of you that is under the control of the devil says one moment,

"I can have sex today." Whether you are married, single, having an affair, or have never dated, this though pops into your mind. Even though it is often completely untrue.

It progresses to, "I want to have sex today." Then, "I can achieve an orgasm through masturbation and satisfy that."

As we have often found, that leaves us ten times more empty than we were before.

If we can "see" when our minds first trick us into believing, "I can have sex today." and turn it off, it often never progresses.

Watch your thoughts, taking every thought into the captivity of Jesus Christ, and find when that thought first strikes. Nail it to the cross and go on with your day.

You will find Satan continually keeps bringing it up, but if you can keep it at bay, you will not progress to stronger temptation and find yourself looking up porn.

Yes, this is an excruciatingly difficult process, but the reward is a kicked porn addiction, if you can keep it up long enough.