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Post by Deleted on Mar 19, 2015 2:11:40 GMT -7
I am a christian and writing from Ontario Canada.I came upon this forum and have never used this type of media before. I would like to ask a question. Growing up I experienced no sexual, out right emotional or physical abuse. While I know now that my family had its own issues. Even with my so called normal family life, I developed an attraction for men. I was sensitive, insecure and artistic, and other boys treated me as such. I was first labelled a "fag" in grade six on the schoolyard. At the time I did not know what it meant, but have always carried this around with me.
When I was eighteen and in college, I still looked about 15. I had one encounter with a older guy who took advantage of my need for male attention. I was mortified by what I had done and made the a vow to never act on or tell anybody about my secret again.I married thinking this would fix my problem. My need to be held and affirmed by a man never left me. I had managed to remain faithful to my wife for over 20 years. Last year when my father was dying of cancer I started to chat with local men through a local chat site. One of the married men I chatted with was quite open about his desires and we discovered we knew each other and were colleagues in the same field. We met a few times for coffee and eventually had an encounter. I ended the relationship soon after because of the overwhelming shame I felt. I know I need help and am confused as to where I should turn.My question to you is should I finally confess all this to my wife knowing my infidelity would hurt her terribly?I know if I had told her about my same sex attraction years ago it would have been less complicated and painful.
Kind Regards
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 19, 2015 4:17:43 GMT -7
Yes
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Post by Deleted on Mar 19, 2015 4:32:29 GMT -7
That's it? No reasons why or why not.
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 19, 2015 7:27:36 GMT -7
Linton,
Sorry about the short reply. I do have some additional input on this subject in which we run into a lot. By the way, welcome to our forum! It's pretty cool, isn't it?
As a man, I can scam myself into thinking, "What my wife doesn't know, can't hurt her."
But I've learned that nothing good can really come from withholding the truth from my wife.
Women strongly value honesty and loyalty in a relationship. Any wife, in her right mind, would alway desire the truth, no matter how painful it is to hear. Any woman that doesn't desire to hear the truth has something wrong with her.
The fact is a lie hurts my wife tremendously, a lot more than it hurts me. I don't play all the scenarios in my head about what has occured since the lie happened, but my wife does. A lie underminds her whole concept of reality.
Holding the truth for a very long time would cause my wife to believe that our relationship is based on lies. She would be furious. She may want to end it, and she would rightly be justified for her feelings. But if it were up to her, she would want to know the truth. And if I held onto the lie throughout my entire life, and no one knew until we got to heaven. She would be even more furious, and rightfully so.
I would like to justify to myself that withholding this information would benefit her because I don't want to see her hurt. But the real reason is that I don't want to face the consequences of her anger. My decision to withhold the truth is actually self-centered and unloving. So now, I'm guilty of withholding my loyalty, my honesty, and my love.
Read my accountability log. For the first month of January, I actually withheld the information from my spouse that I had recently acted out. My reasons for not telling her right away were primarily selfish and I knew it. My wife is glad I eventually told her the truth, but she would much rather prefer that I tell these things right away. And by no means, should I keep it a secret until she finds out on her own. That would be all out WW3!
If my wife withheld the truth from me, it may bother me a little. But as long as our relationship was in good standing, I would be fine. But my wife is a different story. And I shouldn't place my attributes onto her and assume that she would be okay with me not telling her. That would be placing magical qualities on my wife. My experience tells me the most women are just like her in this matter.
Linton, thanks for sharing your story here with us. I'm sorry about your pain. I hope you can find this a good place. We definitely have loads of resources among us.
Your brother in Christ,
Kevin
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2015 2:03:14 GMT -7
Kevin,
Your wife sounds very understanding and patient. I'm not sure mine would be as accommodating.
I have thought that if I purge myself of this guilt by telling her, it would be totally selfish. I may have even more regret for what I have done, not necessarily due to the emotions and strife that would occur, but because of the realization that nothing good would come of it for anyone except me. Selfishness again on my part.
These are the questions I ask myself: "Will it truly bless my wife if I tell her?" If I think I will be admired by my wife for being honest, am I fooling myself?
Sure, she may eventually thank me for being honest and say she's glad she now knows, but she may not be able to move forward and eventually forgive and trust me again. Our relationship may even end.
Do you feel that this is the risk that must be taken, that I should go ahead and tell her all? Do you see it as simply an attempt to relieve my guilt and soothe my mind?
It's impossible to know how she's going to react. This is part of my reservation in telling. A breakup would definitely cause turmoil in our home and family.
Thanks for your honest advice.
Linton
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 21, 2015 4:09:00 GMT -7
Linton,
First of all, if I was in your position, I wouldn't be so safe to assume that telling my spouse would relieve me of any guilt. After seeing the amount of pain and grief she would be expressing at the moment, I would be feeling more guilt than ever before. So much that I would question, at the moment, whether I did the right thing or not.
I know of one friend that regretted telling his wife that he sexually abused their daughter simply because of the harm that it caused himself. His wife went ballistic.
Regardless of the pain, I still stand behind my position. Deceit and lies are no good.
I would also not assume that this behavior is under control. Keeping the behavior in darkness and secrecy opens up the strong chance that this will happen again. Perhaps you don't consider yourself out of control. But the things you're describing such as assuming marriage would fix the problem, or getting involved on a local chat site, meeting someone for coffee, and ultimately cheating on your spouse sound like familiar behaviors to an addict.
You brought up what we describe as a ritual. My personal rituals are shorter, such as cruising the streets, random strolling throughout town, browsing through bookstores and libraries. Meeting people via chat rooms and setting up coffee dates are examples of longer rituals. Now, this process could take years. But one thing I know for certain is that a ritual always follows it's course. It's not a question of if the next affair will happen, but rather a question of when and how much it will impact your life.
My point is that until your behavior is exposed to the light, the ritualization that eventually leads to acting out will continue. And this process will continue to spiral out of control. It will become more degenerative. It will become more difficult to keep the double life a secret. And the longer this goes on, the more chance that your wife will find this out on her own. And that's a risk I wouldn't want to bet against.
Linton, my guess that this response would be a lot to take in. That it may not be exactly what you wanted to hear. But I'm sharing out of my best intentions. Please let us know how we can best support you. Thank you for sharing. May God bless you.
KK
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2015 6:20:18 GMT -7
Kevin,
Even though I hate to admit it, you are right. I hate myself for sinking so low as to do this to my wife, all in an attempt to alleviate the pain I have had since I was a young boy. I have wanted a close male friend to open up to and share and support me through all of my struggles with my feelings of not measuring up as a man, someone who would not laugh at me or think of me as strange. I never wanted this friendship to become sexual. I just didn't know where to find a man who could understand. My church would be the last place I would look to for help. The men all seem oblivious as how to deal with anyone with masculinity deficiencies. Men with my issues are somehow not worthy to be included in the christian brotherhood.
It is very uncomfortable to be opening up confessing my most intimate sins. I guess it demonstrates just how vital it is for me to be finally heard and get this out of my head. There's no easy way for me to say this but I have a strong desire to build a serious relationship with another man, something that has always eluded me even in the relationship with my father. Men or the world of men (masculinity) for me were a measure of something I felt I could never attain. I remember the constant taunting and teasing on the way home from public school....fairy, faggot, sissy boy. The pain has never left and I have a anger towards God.
I have been married for 22 years. I do love my wife and I am not gay. What I have is a same sex attractions but they are truly unwanted. What I really want is to find a male friendship that is not superficial. Looking at the meaningful friendships in my life and although I have a few male friends, all of these relationships are superficial, or competitive. The friends I feel most comfortable with are all women, this natural inclination to gravitate towards relationships with women has been met with hostility by my wife. Here in lies my problem, I feel isolated from any meaningful friendships, I'm crippled in my skills to form any relationship with men and banned from having any female friends.
I'm blessed to have a wife with whom I share almost all of my heart, but how do I tell her that I desire more, I feel "shameful" for saying this, but I want more, and as in the bond of a deep male friendship. I may be generalizing, but men and women form very different friendships. What I'm looking for I cannot get from a woman.
It is more difficult for me to turn to other men for the intimacy of meaningful relationship. For me, as a survivor of childhood bullying and verbal abuse in which my abusers were male, my issues are more complicated. I've struggled with revealing my thoughts and emotions to other men, but none seemed to understand. How could I ever express this to my wife when I don't even understand my own feelings.
This is my conundrum, if I ever told my wife of my infidelity I would need some type of support network which I do not have because I do not have any intimate (christian) male friends. I cannot seem to form the friendships I need because of my issues and because of my issues I sought out an inappropriate relationship.
Does anybody understand me?
Linton
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 25, 2015 3:11:59 GMT -7
Hey Linton,
First, I want to thank you for sharing your story and pain with us. That's taking courage. Good work.
Perhaps I don't relate to you in many aspects, but know what it's like to feel a void in my life. Lack of close male friends is a common attribute of most of us sex addicts here on the forum. Building friendships with other men has not been an easy task, but the progress I've achieved in this area has been very rewarding.
This forum has been an great resource for me to lean on. Despite what previous posters have shared, I'm a firm believer and example that we at Blazing Grace have everything we need to offer support and help to others through their process of restoration. You are not an exception. In fact, I would be honored to consider you my friend. And I look forward to supporting you and encouraging you to grow and recover. And once you muster up the courage to share your pain with your wife, please come to us so that we can help hold you up and offer you strength and support through prayer.
But furthermore, placing any expectation on my wife or my friends to fill a "void" often leads to disappointment. The Lord is showing me that through my relationship with Him, He can help me get through that.
Lord Jesus, please help Linton through this tough process. Let him draw his strength from you. Give him favor. And I pray that his wife will receive him and his confession with an open heart. Repair and restore their marriage which you have blessed. We ask and receive this is Jesus' name. Thank you and Amen.
Linton,
I do feel compelled to ask you,
On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your personal relationship with God?
We want to know how we can encourage you to draw closer to Him.
Thank you, Linton. Believe or not, you're sharing and story is very encouraging. Welcome to the team!
Your friend and brother in Christ,
KK
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Post by Deleted on Mar 25, 2015 21:54:27 GMT -7
Linton,
I would think you also need a counselor who specialized in sexual abuse.
My prayers will be with you!
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Post by Deleted on Mar 25, 2015 21:56:52 GMT -7
My husband was molested by a female relative when he was about 5. It was only one time, but it affected his whole life. He didn't even tell me until we were married for over 10 years b/c of the shame he felt.
This person first kidnapped him, dragged him 1000 miles across the country and then molested him. She died in a mental institution.
I find that most of the men/women who have dealt with SA have been molested.
I thought I'd just share my hubby's testimony with ya. He's had a problem with porn for 11 years.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2015 6:55:09 GMT -7
Hi Kevin,
Thanks for your prayers and your offer of friendship.
On a scale of 1 to 10 I would you rate my personal relationship with God a "3".
I feel dead inside, worthless and somewhat hopeless. I have felt like this since I was a kid. I know that I truly need God and at the same time I feel extremely angry at God. Will these feelings ever go away?
What I am really want from God is healing, acceptance, love, a sense of brotherhood and peace in my soul. this is what I really have been seeking. Before I could ever tell my wife, I think that I would like to confess this to one of the elders or pastors at my church. I just have to overcome this fear of rejection and ridicule.
Facing the fact that I have unwanted homosexual feelings is painful, especially because my feelings conflict with my values and beliefs. I feel caught between the conflicting choice of meeting my deep need for male love or being true to my values, beliefs and suppress my honest need for male love and connection. Either way, I've I lose out.
I never chose to have homosexual feelings. So I can't just choose not to have them. I can't just seem to wish or will them away.
It's never really been about sex for me at all. My need for male love is, for me a deep need from childhood that was never fulfilled, as in my father's affirmation, feeling part of group or the feeling of being "one of the guys."
What I really need is to some how fulfill this God given need for brotherly love, for male bonding, acceptance and affirmation. Unfortunately I don't think I will be able to find through on line forum like this.
thanks For listening to me and for all of your advice.
Linton
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2015 7:11:01 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Mar 26, 2015 7:11:04 GMT -7
Thank you for your kind advice and I know I do need to see a counselor. ]I just wanted to clarify That I am not a victim of sexual abuse but was victimized by constant childhood bullying and verbal abuse in which my abusers were male.Although I can't even imagine the traumatic pain and emotional wounding a man who endured sexual abuse as a child goes through. I feel that even though I was never sexually abused. I too have some deep emotional wounding that has also caused lasting scars that need to be looked at and analysed.
Thank you for your prayers. You are a very understanding wife.
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wiltingiris
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Post by wiltingiris on Mar 26, 2015 14:30:19 GMT -7
Hi this is kevinskay's wife  just letting you know since I assumed you knew and pm'd you. Hope we hear from you soon. God bless! |
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KevinesKay
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Post by KevinesKay on Mar 26, 2015 16:58:32 GMT -7
Hey Linton,
I think we're on to something. As I said before, having no close male friends in our lives is a common problem among us. But I have to let you know something. I've made some good strides in developing many guy friends in my life. I force myself into making phone calls each night to stay connected. It's good for me, but doesn't always feel good. For me, I found out that the missing friendship "VOID" is never going to be met by other people. But only through God.
You made an honest search within yourself and rated your relationship with God a "3".
For me, I hold myself accountable to everyone here to practicing a consistent quiet time with the Lord. I spend the morning reading my Bible, praying, and worshiping God with my guitar and my voice. If I miss the morning, I'll make it up later, but it makes the day more difficult. Talking with my Christian brothers in the Lord each night or going to church also has benefits. So if you ask me, I believe I'm standing at a solid "8"
I used to go about this all wrong. I would attempt to clean myself up first before coming to God. But that never works. God wants me to prioritize my relationship with Him above all things. Even when I feel undeserving, I know I need to come to Him. There's no other way. Only then, I can stand against what life has to throw me. When I'm in the spirit, I'm truly ready. Otherwise, I standing on my own flesh, and my flesh is very weak.
So my question for you is...
What tangible things could you do in your life starting today to move that needle closer to a "10"?
That would be a good start.
Thanks for sharing Linton. Your showing some good courage. Keep it up!
Your brother in Christ,
KK
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just letting you know since I assumed you knew and pm'd you. Hope we hear from you soon. God bless!