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Post by Deleted on Feb 3, 2015 7:00:10 GMT -7
Hello I have not posted for two years but I come back often to read . My last post was "Waking from the Illusion" . Since my last post alot has happened about a month after my last post I found out my husband had bought a computer that he hid from me to use while away on his job he is gone for about 36 hours at a time. When I confronted him we had both been drinking and it got physical. The next day I contacted a therapist and I told him with or without you I'm getting help, he decided to join me. So we started therapy. He had to be completely transparent with his computer when he was home bringing it out so i had access to it, but we all know you can delete or use in incognito. Things have been going pretty good until about two months ago, about the time we stopped seeing our therapist because she moved about an hour away. She is set up now and we shall resume. I have had a real problem trusting him because of past behavior. Recently he stopped bring out his computer. He seems more tired, and he is all of a sudden having problems in the bedroom. When I asked him if he had been back looking at porn he got angry and blamed me. seems like old times. I also see on our home computer that he asked if you can instant message to a cell phone? Well you can with no trace. So now I'm wondering who he needs to instant message. I want to put an "All In One" key stroke logger on his computer that takes a screen shot of every button pushed. I'm torn, I want to trust him but I feel I'm blindly trusting him. I'm don't know if I should put it on or not. some advice would be nice from addicts to spouses. We will be married 30 years this year. Thanks:?
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KevinesKay
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Occupation: Balloon Artist
Interests: weight lifting, singing, playing the guitar
Days of Integrity: 1 year
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Post by KevinesKay on Feb 3, 2015 10:46:23 GMT -7
Dear shattered wife,
May you find peace and rest in the Lord soon. I don't have any feedback at this moment. The only thing on my mind right now is the compelling desire to pray for you.
God,
We pray for restoration for shatteredwife and her husband. They have endured 30 years. Praise your name. Please give them both direction and wisdom during this trying time. May you grant the husband a new burning desire to sanctify his life. Whatever it takes Lord. I know both of these believers have at least some desire to stay together and be faithful together. So Lord, we pray for your intervention in this matter.
We pray this in Jesus' name. Than you and Amen
Shatteredwife,
Please continue to share with us how things are progressing and let us know how we can help you.
And I would really like to meet your husband. Thank you.
Kevin
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Post by SandyJWE on Feb 4, 2015 3:51:03 GMT -7
Dear Shatteredwife..
I too do not have advice on installing software or not on the computer equipment. It was always amazing that once I learned to truly trust in the Lord, things were revealed to me in His time. The more I searched to find evidence because of doubt and fear the more I struggled. I was not focused on the Lord I was becoming distant from the Lord, I wasn’t thinking about Him – I wasn’t finding His comfort. I was focused on what my husband may or may not be doing. It took work to not think about what my husband was doing, and to focus on prayer and asking for comfort. The truth was always revealed to me. In God’s timing things would happen or turn up and there was no doubt what my husband did. Through prayer I found that I was ok and I was sometimes letting old habits drive me. I was feeling self-doubt, fear and those are things that are sometimes used against us to take away our focus. Once I turned my focus back on the lord, I was feeling relieved and comforted just trusting that the Lord did have my heart, my marriage in His hands. Praying for you, praying you find comfort knowing the Lord has you in His hands.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2015 6:56:05 GMT -7
I have Covenant Eyes on my main computer.
But I've heard they can easily get around that.
Hyper vigilance is a normal reaction b/c you want to feel safe in your home and your marriage. I could always tell when H was acting out b/c he'd get hyper, walk away when I was talking and had sexual anorexia or no real interest in sex with me.
I gave my hubby eight years to get his crap together and I finally had enough and we are now currently separated in our home now for going on five months. I got tired of constant relapses and him ruining holidays b/c I would find out he was doing porn again.
Focusing on the LORD is great, but I wanted my husband to KNOW he had to chose porn or me. I also found that it was easier for me to heal and focus on the LORD now we that are separated. I can feel the "old" me coming back each day.
Blaming you is wrong and the anger is a good bet he's doing it again. My hubby isn't allowed on the computer unless I'm up. I know it's got to be hard for you b/c he has to be away for work.
You can install eblaster on his puter and it's completely stealth. I've never used it myself, but it's about 100 bucks.
I have boundaries that I set up in order to feel safe and one was no using a computer unless I was up. Another, is that he has to attend a support group once a week and get a sponsor which he's done. SAA was horrible but he's enjoyed Celebrate Recovery b/c it's Christian based.
I hope this post helps. I'll pray for you. Trust your gut. I'm glad he was willing to go to a therapist. Is he/she trained in the trauma aspect of SA? My therapist blew his porn addiction off and told me to, "just get over the." I was so hurt and mad.
Have you read the book, "Your sexually addicted spouse?"
That really helped me and I refer to it often.
I will pray for both of you.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2015 7:59:02 GMT -7
Kevin I just wanted to thank you for your prayers, I know we can use all the prayers and help we can get. Being married for almost 30 years and dealing with porn for the last 17 plus years has really taken its toll. Thanks you again god bless
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2015 8:05:45 GMT -7
Sandy I wanted to thank you for your prayers. I do trust in God but I don't have much trust in my husband at this point. I'm tired of being blindsided, I just want to know the truth and I cannot count on my husband to tell me the truth. Thank You for keeping us in your prayers
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2015 8:26:29 GMT -7
Homeschooler3 I wanted to thank you for your reply. I have not used covenant eyes but have heard you can get around that. I had put "all in one" keylogger on my home computer about two years ago. It works great there is no getting around that he doesn't even know it is on there. He doesn't dare look at porn while he is at home. It takes a screen shot of every button pushed. It also covers any chats or skye or instant messages. I'm struggling with trusting him with his computer while gone. I have learned to trust my gut it is usually correct and the hairs on my neck are standing up. I have read "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse". and I guess its time to take a look at it again. The Therapist we are seeing is very good. She is a Family & Marriage therapist she has training in SA and PTSD. He came home from work last night after being gone for about 30 hours acting more lovey than normal makes we wonder what he is up to. Thanks for listening and for your prayers.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2015 12:19:35 GMT -7
You're welcome! And I'm glad you've found a good therapist. I have no one to talk too where I live. I mean, I talk to my mom, but it's hard for her to understand some of what I feel.
I understand you not trusting him with his puter while he's gone.
Would you feel better putting something on his work puter w/o his knowledge? Does he really need that puter for work while he's gone?
We have been married 18 years and my H has had a porn problem for 11. We had such a good marriage and were so much in love........then we bought a computer and got the internet.
I have big time trust issues with my H too. They leave you feeling so hollow inside and when he hugs me, I feel nothing anymore for him.
I'm at the age where I should be enjoying my teenagers and having more free time, instead, I have to deal with this crap.
When I separated with my H 2 days before my 42nd birthday last year (I can't even count the number of holidays he's ruined. The first time I caught him doing porn was Christmas time in 2006.) he started smothering me with love and hugs. It felt fake and I felt smothered. I had to ask him to give me some breathing room. I just felt manipulated or what's called love bombing. I just didn't feel real.
That really must have hurt you when you realized he bought a computer w/o your knowledge. My oldest was buying broken phones at the thrift store, fixing them and then selling them on ebay for a good profit.
Then all of a sudden, he and all my kids had Iphones that were only used for internet use since we don't have a cell phone anymore. I got really upset b/c these phones were passed around to the kids w/o discussing it with me. Then, come to find out, he would go into stores and say he lost his phone and they would give him phones from the lost and found. My youngest told me that she felt bad b/c dad had them lie and say they got them at the thrift store. So first, he had my kids lie to me. Then, he found another way to look at porn. He lied and told me it was for the audio Bible, Christian music and an alarm at work. Then he admitted he was using it for porn when my oldest was in the psych ward last year b/c she text-ed a friend she was going to kill herself. Then he got the phone back again and did it again. And to top it off, he got on our ROKU account that we use for Netflix and looked up porn on Youtube in our bed. I woke up to him watching it right in front of me and it's not the first time that has happened. That's when I told him to get out of our bed. He's sleeping in the spare room and I'm not making anymore promises about anything. Just takin' it a day at at time.
So here I am 42 years old and I feel like I've wasted so much of my life dealing with this.
You sound like you have your eyes wide open and that's good! I am proud of you! And it's good that you speak up when you're hurt. I used to hold so much of the pain and until I exploded in anger. Now, I've learned to say I need to vent and we'll get in the car and go for a drive so the kids don't get upset.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 4, 2015 13:16:34 GMT -7
Shattered Wife,
I hate to admit it but us guys when we are captive to porn or other sexual sin can destroy not only ourselves but those around us without even realizing it. When your husband is in real recovery he'll be very open about all his actions and efforts and temptations with you. This doesn't sound like what you are experiencing. You are right to be wary and reading the symptoms of porn use. The fact he can recover is the good and hopeful news, but the road may be rocky for a time until he is determined to fight this sin. He needs to be in a group, he needs accountability partners, he needs to read the bible regularly (daily), he needs to read good biblically based recovery books. In short, if he isn't broken and contrite before God, ready to do the work needed to fight and change he probably won't change or it won't last. I keep recommending Setting Captives Free for him and all addicts to join as an on-line and free 60-day course on purity. It works for many men but I must admit here it is not 100% but I am not sure anything can boast that. I am a recovered sex addict myself and now enjoying three years of freedom and joy in Christ. I currently lead a purity group for men in my church for over two years now and have seen great victory and honestly, have seen some defeats also. Each individual victory is worth all the effort alone.
I am so pleased to see the responses from others such as KevinesKay, Homeschooler3, SandyJWE. You know you have support and help here. I am not a technical expert but I can tell you sometimes a call to Covenant Eyes can help get through some glitches - just tell them your concerns and issues - they may be able to help. My last thought for you is to have a conversation with your husband telling him your concerns and you want ways to prove or verify his computer use. Being stealthy may have short terms benefits but it has chances to backfire. Now is as good as anytime to insist on openness and transparency for long term benefits in your relationship.
Just keep in mind that God can do more than we ask or imagine as we are told in Ephesians 3:20 "[God]...is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us." We will all keep praying for you.
Blessings,Nikanor
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Post by SandyJWE on Feb 5, 2015 1:13:11 GMT -7
Nikanor - your comment is very true and thank you for sharing from a husband's perspective. My husband was lost and was destroying everything around him, himself, his family and his job was even at risk. He found a support group and they held him accountable. He said the hardest thing was being transparent. No more lying, no more justification. It was amazing to watch. The road is rocky. But so many on here are testimonials that it can be beat with God involved. Praying for everyone here.. Thanks for the reminder how strong this is and how hard it is for all, Stand strong in faith....
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2015 4:42:31 GMT -7
Hi homeschooler3 thanks again for your feed back. I also don't have anyone to talk with other than the therapist which we have not seen in about two months. Yes I would feel better know that I had a logger on his work computer. Your question "does he really need it for work" that answer is no. He used it as an excuse to get the computer otherwise that would have made it mandatory for everyone to have one. Yes it really made me mad and hurt me so deeply that he would sneak and buy it without my knowledge and I know he bought it for the porn. I wouldn't even know today if I had not received an email saying that you for your purchase of your new laptop. That's how I found out and I went crazy all over him. The next day we were in therapy. He is sussposed to transparent with his computer but he has not been for the last two months. If doesn't really matter if he brings it out he can delete what ever he wants or use the incongnito window. My eyes are wide open sometimes I can't stand it, it consumes me. Last week he took me out for dinner and said "happy anniversary" and I said anniversary what anniversary he said it was 31 years ago tonight that we met. I wished him a happy anniversary and right after that his head spun around and I turned to look at what got his attention so fast and of course it was a young woman about 23 years old beautiful and really nice body. And I just sat there thinking Ya happy anniversary, it was hard to even look at him Thanks again and if you need someone to talk to I will be here. God Bless  |
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2015 5:33:10 GMT -7
Nikanor,Thank You so much for your response it really helps to hear from addicts in recovery and three years of freedom that is great. I feel you are right about him, if he was in real recovery he would be open an honest with me and he is not. I wish I could tell him I want proof but I know it will blow into a big fight. I don't dare tell him I want proof of his computer use unless we were in the therapist office where I have her to back me up. I'm not sure what you mean when you said that if I put the logger on his computer it could back fire. Can you tell me what you mean? I'm really torn about this, I want to be able to trust him but he has given me nothing to go on. Has not come to me once when he has fallen and I know he has fallen, who knows he may have never stopped. He doesn't know that I have been here for the last 10 years on blazingrace. He is a man that believes in god but we are not active in church we go several times a year because I want to go, he has never said lets go to church. Kevin said he would like to meet my husband here but my husband I am convinced he feels he doesn't have a porn addiction, and he can stop by himself. Well we all know that is not true. I think he goes in spurts but I don't know for sure. I look forward to hearing from you again. Thanks shatteredwife
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2015 3:50:08 GMT -7
Shatteredwife,
I meant only to be open with your husband about checking his computer and not installing programs without his knowledge. If he wants to stop and restore relationship then he must be open and willing to be transparent and to share his recovery process. Sharing feelings is difficult for guys but we men need to realize that we destroyed trust and need to rebuild it - that takes time, effort, and transparency. A lot of pain and fear must be shared and we don't have much for role models or support. We also need to be patient because we often want to fix things quickly and get past the screw ups and not dwell on them because our spirits sink when we dwell on our big mistakes. Unfortunately, we men need to wait and listen to our wives and keep working on restoration for a long while. If we truly understand and believe the Gospel message then we will be patient and let the constant reminders of our sin keep our hearts in check and teach us to lean all the more into our Lord's embrace of forgiveness.
I hope this helps some.
Nikanor
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2015 7:25:14 GMT -7
Nikanor,Thank you for getting back to me. I really appreciate having feed back from someone who is going through this. I do agree with you that it would be best to be honest and open with him. Two years ago when we started therapy my husband agreed he would let me know if he was having problems with temptation or the urge or actual porn use he would come to me. Well in two years he has not come to me once. I know he has been active off and on, when I ask him if he has been watching porn when I knew something is up he admitted to it when I ask him why he didn't come and talk to me it would just say "I felt guilty enough". I don't know how we c an build trust when I don't feel he is being honest. I don't know what I am going to do yet. If I'm not prying to much are you or have you been married. If so has this caused problems in your marriage. Thanks again Shatteredwife
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2015 13:31:50 GMT -7
Shatteredwife,Yes, I am married and my porn use cost me my job and career and very difficult confession to my wife which was the second time in our marriage that porn was an issue. I hit the bottom of my barrel during that confession and turned to God in a final plea for help. I spent almost three years fixing myself and my issues and relationship with God. Now I am working on fixing my relationship with my wife and by God's grace she has stuck around not getting much from me except stopping with the porn until now. I have lots of trust to rebuild and earn. Your husband has to come to face reality and hard truths that everything must come into the light. There can't be anymore secrecy, just one more looks, secret stashes, etc.
I would dare say that every guy caught in the trap of habitual porn wants to quit but can't. It takes serious dedicated work and he needs to get right with the Lord first. Without God in the equation the chances of permanent freedom are questionable. There is help out there for him to overcome this bondage. Whether it is Setting Captives Free, or a local church group that specializes in purity, or some other group I don't know as each man is different and will find success in different ways.
You may have to have a conversation with him in which you tell him that the bottom line is that truth needs to be disclosed and told. This doesn't mean he has to give details necessarily but he has to be truthful in seeking help, refraining from porn, masturbation or any other sexual sin. If there is no honesty there can't be restoration - he needs to agree with that.
Just remember, he will be fighting shame and guilt big time. This will drive him to initially not want to reveal truth or to be honest. But, he needs to accept that honestly is critical and he has to find a safe way to deal with that. Groups (on-line or in person) often give guys their first glimpse that they are not alone in this sin and it surprises many of them. Even finding one person (other than you) to confide in will be a monumental step. Do you think he has anyone he can confide in that would understand his struggle and urge him to seek the Lord and help?
Please keep the questions coming and never hesitate to reach out with any concern or problem or any confusion.
I am praying for you and him and that he finds help and you find peace and comfort.
Nikanor
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